But the curse couldn't find its target because Loudspeaker had again cravenly fled. The curse searched diligently, refusing to quit until it had accomplished its mission. Hydrogen had forgotten to put a dissipation into it again. There had just been too much on his mind, and that detail slipped through the cracks, as it were.
Thus came to be the Region of Earth, where the ground continually moved and mountains spewed their intestinal lava out randomly. It was not exactly Xanth's nicest place.
Hydrogen shook his head. "I'm having some trouble getting the hang of this heavy magic," he confessed.
Meanwhile Loudspeaker had moved north again, and used more Words to dominate fire-breathing dragons, salamanders, and other hot creatures. He fashioned a castle of burning Words, and surrounded it with a ring of fiery language. Once more, he seemed to be securely ensconced.
But Hydrogen refused to quit He brought his group up to the edge of the territory. "Loudspeaker!" he called. "Now, you quit destroying the environment like this, or I’ll blast you out!"
His only answer was a fiery Word from a dragon. The tongue of flame licked against the hasty shield and heated it until it melted. The men had to drop it before their fingers got burned.
"So that's the way it is!" Hydrogen said, annoyed. "Well, I’ll just fight fire with fire!"
Then his group fired a curse so hot it set the neighboring air on fire and blazed across the sky until it seared into the castle and blasted it to flaming fragments. The very sky caught on fire, and it flickered forever after, called the aurora. A forest on the ground burst into a flame so fierce that it was never possible to put it out.
But once more the target was missing. Loudspeaker, in cravenly anti-hero fashion, had sneaked out leaving his unfortunate assistants to bear the brunt of the fire curse. The fire looked and looked, burning everything it encountered, but the evil Magician just wasn't there. So why hadn't Hydrogen put a time limit on the curse: "I really thought we had him, this time," he said sheepishly.
In this manner came to exist the Region of Fire, where flames were eternal and only creatures of flame could survive for any length of time. Fireflies and spitfires loved it but few ordinary people or creatures resided there.
"I guess I'm just not much of a hero," Hydrogen confessed woefully.
Meanwhile Loudspeaker had moved north again, into the veriest heart of Unknown Xanth, thinking no one would find him there. He settled by a nice lake, and compelled the poor fish to serve him, and water nymphs had to disport themselves for his satisfaction. Around his water works a monstrous water dragon curled, ready to chomp anyone who intruded. Water fowl kept sharp eyes out for the approach of any hostile forces. It seemed that no one could bother Loudspeaker here.
But Hydrogen had not learned how to quit. He brought his group to the verge of the lake and sent loyal Bee to investigate. Bee was always on call, and always finished her task before starting another. She swam quietly through the lake and observed its formidable array of defenses. “This will be a very wet undertaking," she reported.
So Hydrogen came up to the lake and called, "Loudspeaker, now you get out of here and become a nice model citizen, or I'll wash you out!"
His only answer was a great splat of bilge water that almost drowned his group. Then the water dragon and water fowl oriented on him and massed for an attack.
"Well, then, it will be a water war," Hydrogen said wetly. His group pumped out a curse so wet that it would have drowned the sun if it had struck that orb. Fortunately the sun had the sense to stay well away from it The curse went splat on the water works, and washed everything into the lake. It filled the lake to heaping, and then piled up into a mountain whose crest foamed angrily, looking for its target.
But Loudspeaker was gone again. The water searched all over, washing a deep depression into the land, but could not find him. So it made a liquid shrug and settled into flatness, overflowing into the west where it formed the Half-Baked Bog, and into the east where it drained off into the Sane Jaunts River, and it was done. Because— surprise!—this time Hydrogen had remembered to put a time limit on the curse.
Thus came to be the Water Wing, a passive region where men and creatures could reside and interbreed. It was a rather pleasant place, overall, and soon developed a nice community of merfolk who had consideration for the local environment and always welcomed visitors.
Meanwhile Loudspeaker had set up operations to the north. This was a desolate region where no one cared to go, and the truth was that Loudspeaker wasn't too keen on it either, but he was running out of options. Since Hydrogen had pursued him to all the nice regions, he had to try a nasty one. Maybe then he would be left alone long enough to build up his army and magic and conquer Xanth in style. Because this was his fell ambition: to make all the land slave to his merest whim. Even if his whim wasn't nice. He was collecting a band of whims who would do whatever he wished, and whatever no one else wished. He had even found a cute female whimsy to entertain his off-hours.
Hydrogen was a slow learner, as was shown by the time it took him to learn to put limits on his curses. But in time he did get there. So this time, considering that Loudspeaker always retreated before the solid (or liquid) curse could score, he put Bee on the job of cutting off the escape. In fact this time she would even make the challenging call. Hydrogen had a secret reason for this.
So Bee went around to the north, then stood at the edge of the ugly place and called out the challenge. "Loudspeaker, quit this funny business and give up your bad magic, or I will curse you into irrelevance!"
Her only answer was a whimsical blob of garbage that went splat against her shield. So Bee called Hydrogen and told him about it and he swore a medium oath that he would this tune blow the enemy into sheer nothingness. He readied his group's worst curse, an awful Nothing bomb.
Loudspeaker, thinking that the charge would be from the north, tried to sneak back south to hide in the nice lake of the Water Wing. But this was where Hydrogen was. Now Hydrogen bombed him. The Nothing curse exploded, forming a tremendous dome of chaos that destroyed everything in its range, then sank down through the ground in a singular fashion, and was never heard from again. In fact, nothing else that entered that singularity ever returned, because Nothing had made its ultimate home here.
Thus came to be the Void, the home of nothing. Around its edge was an event horizon, where normal events stopped and became nothing. Only largely imaginary creatures like the night mares could enter the Void and return.
This time Loudspeaker had not escaped. Even his memory was gone, so that only a few storytellers knew he had ever existed. He was now nothing, and Hydrogen's job was done.
Now Hydrogen considered. He realized that a great deal of damage had been done by this momentous campaign against evil. All of the battles had done damage to central Xanth. He wanted to see that never again would there be havoc wrought by an air attack, earth encounter, fire fight, water war, or void violation. It would be better if the secret of modifying magic talents were lost, so that no other person could make himself into an evil Magician.
As it happened, Hydrogen was now the last of the original Modified Magicians. So he sent the other members of his group back to Gateway Castle, except for Bee on Call, then settled in the Water Wing, and devoted the rest of his life to developing the talent of keeping a secret. Finally he perfected it, and invoked it, and forever after no one in Xanth was able to rediscover the secret of modifying talents. Hydrogen's last great enchantment had made it impossible.
Hydrogen married Bee, of course, and their descendants became the merfolk of the Water Whig. They had to marry humans and fish in alternate generations, to maintain their status as merpeople. The Curse Friends remained a close-knit group with weak individual talents, all of them related to cursing, and became great actors. The villages around Lake Ogre-Chobee were always glad when one of their troupes arrived, because their plays were always superb.
Thus it was a regular circuit of the lake. In time no on
e remembered that the Talent Research Group had even existed, or that for fifteen years there had been havoc in central Xanth while things were being put to rights. For more than two and a half centuries Xanth was reasonably quiet, until the onset of the Eighth Wave.
"But that is another story," Morris concluded.
Jenny opened her eyes. The ancient scenery of Xanth faded away with its heroic deeds and misdeeds. She was back in the present, with the nice merfamily. She was no longer Bee on Call, but Jenny Elf. However, she now knew a good deal more about Xanth than she had.
"Now we know the background," Cyrus said. "It was a stroke of fortune for my father when the Siren arrived here, because then he could marry her instead of a fish. Now I would like to do something similar."
Jenny saw Kim freeze. As Hydrogen, Kim had become a reasonably bold if error-prone hero. Now she was just a girl who remained error-prone, or perhaps error-supine. What was she going to do?
"Which brings me to my question for you, Kim," Cyrus said. "This is something which perhaps only you can do for me, but which is supremely important to me. It concerns my marriage."
"I — I — " Kim managed to say, before her voice freaked out and fled. Jenny's voice had already done so. Morris and the Siren looked on benignly.
"Therefore I must ask you, Kim," Cyrus continued grandly, "whether you will allow me to travel with you until I find a suitable mermaid elsewhere in Xanth to marry? For you see I am not used to traveling beyond the Water Wing, and fear I would encounter mischief if I did so alone. You are the first human traveler to pass this way in some time. As my father says, you seem to be the right young woman for this purpose, because you are not of Xanth and so there is no impropriety in our keeping company for a time. We merfolk are highly conscious of the proprieties, perhaps because we derive from the playacting Curse Friends. With a man there would have been no problem, of course, but it may be a long time before a traveling man passes this way."
Kim looked as if about to faint with relief, perhaps tinged with a dab of disappointment. Jenny emulated Bee on Call and stepped into the breach. She found her voice, where it had been cowering under her chair. "Kim will be happy to have you travel with us," she said. "Until you find a suitable mermaid to marry."
Kim scrambled to find her own voice, but it was just out of reach. So she nodded her head vigorously, smiling. There were tears in her eyes.
"Excellent!" Cyrus said heartily. "This is a great relief to me."
At last Kim recovered her voice. "Me too!" she squeaked.
"We are so glad this has worked out," the Siren said. "Now you must rest here for the night, so as to be fresh for the morrow."
Kim and Jenny were glad to agree.
Chapter 7
BLACK WAVE
Nada glared at Com Pewter. "Aren't you proud of yourself," she said severely. "You tricked my Player into coming here with that shortcut, and herded him into your cave, and used your superior knowledge of Xanth to defeat him in the riddle contest, so now he's out"
EXACTLY, the screen printed smugly.
“Thereby making me a failure as a Companion. I hope you're satisfied."
I AM.
"Oh, you're impossible!"
I AM AN EVIL MACHINE. HO HO HO!
"I liked you better when you were a nice machine."
I WAS NICE ONLY BECAUSE LACUNA TRICKED ME INTO RECOMPILING. NOW IN THE GAME I GET TO BE EVIL AGAIN. BUT YOU ARE WELCOME TO ASSUME YOUR LUSCIOUS SERPENTINE FORM AND CURL AROUND MY HARDWARE ANYTIME, NAGA CREATURE.
"Well, Dug will come back into the game, despite you, you crock of capacitors."
THEN HE WILL HAVE TO MEET ME AGAIN AND DEFEAT ME IN A HARDER GAME THAN BEFORE. I WILL HAVE THE SINISTER PLEASURE OF DUMPING HIM AGAIN. SO YOU HAD BETTER SHOW HIM YOUR PANTIES WHILE YOU HAVE THE CHANCE, PRINCESS.
"You unspeakable cad!" she cried, outraged.
YOU'RE LOVELY WHEN ANGRY.
Nada snapped her fingers. Professor Grossclout appeared. He was an imposing old demon, complete with fangs and tail. "This annoying machine is insulting me!" she said.
Grossclout frowned. This made his natural grimace even more formidable. "You come to this position with a head full of mush, and you complain because your charge washed out?"
Nada suffered an instant of absolute unholy Any. Then she realized that the Professor was baiting her, as he did with those he hoped might someday improve. It was actually almost a compliment "I hope to do better next time," she said bravely.
A peculiar expression fought to cross die demon's face, but lost Nada realized that it was a smile, which would have been in alien territory had it emerged. "Maybe, just maybe, if you succeed, you will become a creature worth knowing," he grudged. Then, to Pewter "Carry on, evil machine."
THANK YOU, Pewter replied, obviously thrilled with the compliment
Grossclout twitched a little finger negligently. Suddenly Nada was back in the Companions dugout, with Grundy Golem, me Demoness Metria, Goody Goblin, Horace Centaur, Marrow Bones, and a new one, Vida Vila.
"What happened to Jenny Elf?" Nada asked.
"She was chosen to be Kim Mundane's Companion," Grundy said.
“Oh. So Vida came in to replace her in the roster."
“No. Vida replaced you."
"But I'm still here," Nada protested, confused.
Vida laughed. "I replaced you, then Jenny was taken, now you have returned, so maybe now I'm replacing Jenny. Do you mind?"
Nada had to laugh too. "No, of course not I was just surprised by the change. I shouldn't have been."
"How was it?" Goody asked politely.
"It was awkward, at first because Dug was trying to express crude male interest in me."
Vida smiled. "It comes with the territory," she said, inhaling. She was of course one of Xanth's loveliest creatures. Nada realized that had she been in the lineup, Dug well might have chosen her instead of Nada.
NOW HEAR THIS, Professor Grossclout's voice blared. IT IS TIME FOR THE SELECTION OF THE FALSE COMPANION.
Oh, that, she had forgotten. She sat up straight so as Dot to betray any reaction, along with me others.
THE SELECTION IS—NOW.
YOU.
Nada was too petrified to jump. The lot had fallen on her! She was now the False Companion. Oh, disaster.
But she had to play it out, because part of her role was to conceal it from others. That way no other participant in the game could tell her Player to beware of her. She had to keep it secret, acting exactly like a Fair Companion… until she found the perfect chance to send him into ignominious loss.
She gazed around, pretending not to know who it was, and saw the others doing the same. Except with them it was not pretense. Then she shrugged, as if realizing she would never know. The others did the same, looking relieved. So she made herself look relieved too. Oh, how she hated this! A role of ultimate deception—it just wasn't princessly.
“Look out—here comes a Player," Metria said, peering out the window, exactly as before. Nada wondered whether she had been the False Companion last time; she would have enjoyed it, being forever mischievous.
They sat straight in their seats, ready for consideration. Nada gazed out the one-way screen.
And froze. It was Dug, of course, re-entering the game. And she knew exactly whom he would choose. Because he knew her, and liked her, and trusted her.
This time she was required to betray his trust. Oh, woe!
Another voice sounded in her head. You will receive further instructions. You will obey them implicitly, without imposing your own judgment on their merit.
Yes, she responded unhappily. Could she possibly hide behind one of the others, so that Dug would think she wasn't available this time?
"Hi! I'm Grundy Golem. I'm from—"
"Sure thing, Grundy," Dug said amicably. "Let's cut it short, okay? I'm a retread."
Maybe, just for variety, he would choose one of the others. Such as Vida, who was even lovelier than Nada, because she could chang
e her form to match her mood. Maybe Metria, who would take him exactly as far as her mischievous impulse went, possibly even flashing a naughty glimpse of her panties at him before vanishing in smoke. Maybe even a male, so he wouldn't have any problem crossing the river.
"I'll take Nada," Dug said, as she had really known he would. He had sealed his fate, the innocent fool! He had forgotten that a new game meant a new False Companion, who could even be the last game's Fair Companion.
She stood and stepped through the window. "Hello, Dug," she said, according to the formula. "I will try to be a good Companion for you." It was a lie; she would pretend to be a Fair Companion, awaiting the chance to mess him up worse. The False Companion was not supposed to do any ill early, because she might only betray her nature without washing out her Player, giving him the clue how to handle her. She had to wait until late in the game, when he had his best chance to win—and make him lose instead. So that it would be much more difficult for him to re-enter the game and win. Because the hazards grew more formidable as progress was made, and any hazard that defeated a Player had to be overcome in the next game, when it would be worse. That was to discourage Players from deliberately washing out, so as to get a better layout next time.
"It's great to be back with you," he said gladly. "I've already refocused my eyes, and in a moment I should be all the way back inside the game." Indeed, as he spoke he was becoming more sharply defined, and his screen was fading. He had caught on well, and wanted to believe in the magic, so was doing it.
"I am glad to be your Companion again," she lied. Oh, how she wished he had not chosen her this time! But she was stuck for her revised role. If he asked her whether anything had changed, she would have to lie. If she gave herself away, or tried to wash him out early so as to get out of the False assignment with minimal damage, she would be in trouble herself. Professor Grossclout would know, and disallow it. So she couldn't arrange to accidentally show him her panties or anything like that. Not that she would, of course; it wasn't princessly.
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