“I need to see,” I exhaled, knowing it was time to face myself at last. “Pull the sheet off of the mirror, J,” I asked and he moved back, frowning at me before nodding in agreement.
Rogue’s fingers wound between mine as I took hold of my crutch and heaved myself to my feet. She didn’t help me, she knew I didn’t want that, but she held onto me the whole time like she was ready for if I tripped. She was a tiny little thing and I’d probably crush her if I fell on her, but I didn’t bother to tell her that because I knew she’d never listen anyway.
I gripped the crutch with one hand and Rogue with the other as I made my way to the mirror as JJ took hold of the sheet.
“Do it,” I growled and he ripped it off.
Rogue’s fingers tightened on mine as I stepped forward and a sharp lump rose in my throat. My chest and arms were a mess of scars and the burn on my shoulder was now reduced to mottled reddened skin. But none of that compared to the vicious X through my right eye and I pulled my hand free of Rogue’s as I raised my fingers up to brush them along the mark. It didn’t hurt so much anymore, but the skin was still tender and slightly red, my eyelid not opening fully with the lingering swelling.
I turned around, glancing over my shoulder to take in the damage to my back. Slashes were torn through my tattoo of Sunset Cove, scars intersecting it, ruining the artwork. Rogue reached out to run her fingertips along the scars and I shrank from her touch, not looking at her. Somehow seeing it for myself made me feel even more self-conscious about it all. I was hideous. My body wasn’t mine anymore, it was tainted by Shawn and there was nothing that would ever fix it.
I gripped my crutch and moved away from them, heading into the en suite and pushing the door shut behind me as my breaths came unevenly. I slumped against the door, lowering myself down to sit on the cool tiles as something in my chest cracked.
“Ace,” Rogue called through the door. “Don’t shut us out. You know we don’t care about the scars.”
“Bullshit,” I hissed. “I wanna be alone.”
“Ace,” JJ said gently. “Just let us in.”
“Get out of here!” I roared, bashing my fist back against the door, despising the pity in their voices.
Quiet fell and a while later the sound of their footsteps retreated from the room. I was alone. And I sure as shit had better get used to that because one day soon I’d be leaving them for good, and the only life that awaited me beyond this town was a lonely one.
I tried not to let myself think about that too much, but right now that fate was staring at me and I couldn’t ignore it.
My father’s voice worked its way through my head, but now it had a new lilt to it, like Shawn was there too. And there was nothing I could do to escape them.
***
I refused to hear the lies Rogue and JJ tried to feed me about how I ‘didn’t look that bad’ and how my scars made me look like a ‘hot badass Bond villain.’ I didn’t live in a fantasy world these days; I knew the reality I was facing. Beyond these walls, I was gonna frighten kids in the street, and people would find me disgusting, terrifying. They’d skirt the sidewalk so they didn’t have to come near me. I wasn’t vain exactly, but I’d always looked after my appearance, and now that part of me was officially gone, it felt like I’d lost something I’d never really appreciated having until now.
I mean it didn’t exactly matter when I analysed it. When I was with Shawn, I’d have paid any price to have some time with my family again and I supposed I’d gotten my wish. So whatever life awaited me beyond these short weeks was gonna have to be good enough, because every moment I got with them was worth the shit storm that was coming after.
It was evening, the sky outside coloured in pastel streaks of pinks and oranges. Sometimes it was hard to believe so much pain lived in this beautiful town; if it leaked from the people living here, the sky would be deepest black and it would always be raining.
The scent of dinner carried from downstairs and I tried to hear what they were all saying between their laughter, but I could only catch the odd word. Sometimes I thought I heard my name, but I wasn’t sure if I imagined it or not.
I hobbled back and forth across the room with one crutch, the pain in my broken leg not anything like it had once been. And as great as that fucking felt, it was tainted by the impending doom that came along with it. Soon, my leg would be healed, the doctor would cut the cast off and that would be it. Fox would send me away and I’d never step a foot inside this house again.
I brushed my fingers along the wall as I tried to use the crutch less, partly in case I fell and partly just to feel the cool rivets of the wall beneath my fingertips. Technically, I wasn’t supposed to be putting any weight on my bad leg, but also technically I didn’t entirely give a shit if I prolonged my recovery period a little.
Being aware of having to leave this place soon sure as fuck didn’t make it any easier. Knowing I’d have to say goodbye to them all again made me start to drown in so much anxiety, I was sure I’d spiral if I leaned into it. So mostly I tried not to think about it. I just lived moment to moment, sucking out the good in each one and wishing it could last.
As my hair was so long now, I’d started styling it to one side, trying to cover up my bad eye. Rogue always put the eyepatch out on my nightstand every morning and I picked it up and shoved it back in the drawer every time. I wasn’t gonna wear an eyepatch like a fucking pirate. I’d look like a goddamn idiot.
Footsteps sounded upstairs and a beat later, the door pushed open and I was surprised to find Fox walking into the room with a bowl of pasta in his hand and some green juice in the other. He’d been feeding me like a damn deity, everything organic and fresh and fucking delicious. Once when Rogue and JJ had been out, I’d woken up from a nap and opened the door to find Fox fast asleep there with a look of absolute exhaustion about him. I didn’t like to think I was keeping him up at night; it probably drove him insane knowing a traitor was back under his roof.
He placed the food down on my nightstand and looked me up and down as I leaned against the arm of a chair by the window as I fought a wince against a shoot of pain in my shin.
“How’s the leg?” he asked in a low mutter.
“Getting there,” I said with an awkward twitch of my lips.
“Your dad called,” he revealed.
I blew out a breath through my nose. “Wow, it only took him two weeks to pretend he gives a shit that I’m alive. Or did he not even bother to put on a farce?”
Fox didn’t smile, taking a step toward me before seeming to think better of it and folding his arms instead. “He was asking for a pay out from you actually, said he’d bought a plot for a headstone next to your momma’s and he couldn’t get the money refunded, so you owed him the cost of it.”
Bitterness coated my insides at his words. Shouldn’t’ve hurt. Still did. “I’m surprised he even bought me one.”
“He didn’t,” Fox said darkly. “I checked out his claims, but it was all bullshit. He even forged a receipt and sent it over to me, but knowing your daddy I dug a little deeper just to see if he really did have any decency in him. But he doesn’t.”
“Well that ain’t news,” I muttered. “I’m surprised he even tried his luck. He must be up to his neck in debt if he’s working that hard to scam me outa a few hundred dollars. So did you tell him to get fucked?”
“No,” he said with mischief in his eyes. “I told him you’ll be leaving the money in his mailbox at midnight.”
I frowned, opening my mouth to ask if he actually expected me to pay up when he went on.
“I paid off a couple of kids to give him a visit at that exact time after I filled their pockets with firecrackers and made them promise they’d get creative.”
A laugh fell from my lungs, one of the first in a damn long time and Fox cracked a grin. My laughter soon died away and I dropped my gaze, looking down at my leg with a frown working itself into my brow. “Looks like I’m turning into him, aren’t I? Dodgy leg, long
hair, and everyone thinks I’m an asshole. I just need the wooden cane, the empty shithole of a house and the yellow teeth to finish off the look.”
“Ace,” Fox sighed, shaking his head at me, his eyes burning with unspoken words and if I wasn’t totally fucking deluded…regret. His throat worked then he dropped his gaze and strode to the door, but before he could leave, I forced out a thanks for the food and he glanced back at me with a tightness to his expression. Something passed between us in the silence, it felt like an apology but I wasn’t sure if it was mine or his. Then he was gone and the door swung closed. I automatically moved after him, hobbling along with my crutch as I went and cursing as I my leg started to ache. It was not happy with my how much time I’d spent on my feet today. I made it to the door, my pulse wild as I checked it was unlocked and a heavy breath of relief left me.
I ate my food and sat on the bed in the quiet, straining my ears to hear the others downstairs but their voices weren’t carrying to me now. I hated when I couldn’t hear them. Icy fingers started to creep beneath my skin, finding my heart and squeezing it tight. I focused on the room around me, reminding myself I was home, in a space I knew as well as the back of my hand. But somehow that wasn’t helping today. Trapped in Shawn’s prison, I’d felt an eerie kind of calm, a disregard for my life. But outside of it, I realised he’d damaged me deep down, in a way I couldn’t heal from. The kind of damage my father had left on me, where no one could see it.
The noise in my head grew to a roar and I fisted my hair, clenched my jaw and tried to fight away the dark with nothing but sheer will. It was a part of me now though, it ran in my blood. And whenever it claimed me from here on out, I was going to be torn apart by it. By my father, Shawn, myself. We were all the masters of my ruin and I was the product of that destruction.
A soft voice called to me that cast a ray of sunlight through the dark. Her hands fell on my face, her thumbs scoring along my cheeks.
“Chase, look at me,” she demanded as my heart beat a furious tune and I managed to do as she asked.
I found myself staring at the most mesmerising creature I’d ever seen and the darkness within me started to recede, the voices quietening until I could only hear my frantic breaths and feel a burning, desperate hunger in me for this girl. A girl I’d once blamed for every bad thing in my life. But I’d been the culprit all along.
“Sorry,” I said, but it came out on a heavy breath that had been locked in my lungs and her expression said she didn’t catch it.
“You okay, man?” JJ asked from somewhere close by and I nodded as Rogue’s hands slipped from my face.
“I’m fine,” I muttered, shame washing over me at them finding me in the middle of a fucking meltdown.
I tugged at my hair, pulling it over the ravaged side of my face and Rogue frowned, reaching out to try and move it away again, but I caught her wrist in a vice like grip, a snarl on my lips.
“Don’t,” I warned.
Her lips parted and tension coursed through the air dividing us, speaking of the anger that had lived between us before Shawn had taken me. I was well beyond blaming her for my problems now, but I doubted she’d forgiven me for leaving her on that ferry. Which made two of us. But having a frank discussion about that now seemed pretty pointless when I was going to be leaving this place forever soon. What could be said anyway? She’d seen my true colours and she didn’t like the palette. I didn’t like it either, but if we started getting into all of my regrets and the things I’d rather change about myself, we’d be stuck here writing the list for a century.
JJ moved to kneel on the bed, peeling my fingers off of Rogue’s wrist and they shared a glance like they were communicating something telepathically between each other. She nodded ever so slightly and I frowned.
“Rogue wants to cut your hair and give you a shave, brother,” JJ told me, but there was a glint of some wicked thought in his eyes which I didn’t understand.
“I’m good,” I murmured. “It helps hide the scars.”
“That’s the point,” Rogue chimed in. “I like your scars much more than I like the hobo look. You’re giving Carnival Bill a run for his money at this point.” I recalled the homeless guy who lived on Carnival Hill with his wayward long hair and mad look in his eyes. Gah.
I clucked my tongue in dismissal. I was like the Hunchback of Notre Dame now, and I’d head off to live in my belltower just as soon as I was forced to leave Harlequin House. It looked like I’d be living on a steady diet of hookers if I ever wanted to fuck again too. But even as I thought of being with some random girl, I shuddered, my skin prickling all over. I didn’t want any girl’s hands on me but the one right in front of me, so I guessed me and my right hand were gonna be dating for the foreseeable future. Great.
I hadn’t gotten off at all for months now, but it wasn’t like there’d been much to turn me on during the torture sessions at the Rosewood Manor, and now that I was back home, I was under watch twenty-four seven so I had to own my morning glory like a man whenever Rogue slept next to me and ignore the raised eyebrow I got from JJ whenever he noticed.
“Don’t lie to me,” I bit at Rogue. “I can handle the truth, you know? I don’t need to be molly coddled over this. I’m not a child.”
“Then stop pouting like one,” Rogue sniped back, flicking me between the eyes. God, this woman.
“She’s right, man.” JJ pushed a hand into my hair and I stiffened as he smoothed it away from my face. “You think this is gonna turn girls off? Scars are a kink to a lot of hot chicks.”
I glanced at Rogue, unable to help wondering if she was the kind of girl who liked that. But this wasn’t just a few battle scars on my chest, this was something she had to look at all the time. Though it wasn’t like I could lay any claim on Rogue anyway, so why did I even give a shit?
“Let me cut it,” she purred, pushing her fingers into my beard as JJ’s grip tightened in my hair. Fuck, why did it feel so good? I’d been touch starved for too fucking long in that basement. Especially of the gentle kind.
“Fine,” I gritted out, mostly because I just wanted her to keep her hands on me, and I didn’t exactly hate JJ’s being there either. I needed them close right now and I wasn’t gonna think about it beyond that, because this was all just a sweet, temporary distraction before the time I’d have to let them go again.
They both pulled away and I stared after them as JJ led Rogue out of the room, his hand sliding down onto her ass as they left. Blood was rushing hard and fast to my cock and I squeezed the base of it through my shorts to try and relieve some of the building pressure, swallowing a groan. This is pathetic.
They returned a couple of minutes later and I noticed Rogue had stripped out of her shorts so she only wore my white wifebeater with a black skull on it. She had a box of cigarettes in her grip and a smirk on her lips, and my throat tightened as my gaze trailed down to her long, tanned legs beneath my shirt. Fuck, she looked good. Her nipples showed through the white material too, puckering as JJ shifted a lock of pastel blue hair off her shoulder and laid a kiss on her neck. He had clippers and a pair of scissors in his hands which he tossed onto the bed before pulling off his own shirt and throwing it on the floor in a fucking stripper move.
“Where’s Fox?” I muttered as Rogue moved forward, taking my hand to guide me off the bed, becoming my crutch for me as I leaned on her for support.
“Out,” she said simply before directing me to a wooden chair as JJ moved it to the centre of the room.
I let go of Rogue and tried to walk straight over to it, but my leg said hell no and I cursed as I stumbled but JJ caught me, helping me onto the seat. I muttered a thanks, irritated with myself, but all my embarrassment was forgotten as Rogue swung her leg over my mine and sat in my lap.
JJ passed her the scissors and she smiled innocently at me as she started cutting my beard, letting the hair just fall between us and scatter to the floor.
JJ used his phone to connect to my Bluetooth speaker and played th
e slow version of Goodbye by Feder and Lyse as Rogue worked to shorten the mess of hair on my face. I couldn’t stop staring at her as she sat just an inch away from the bulge in my pants and I glanced at JJ as he drew closer again, wondering if he was gonna stop her sitting on me like this. He pulled Rogue’s hair over her shoulders then leaned down and shimmied up the shirt she was wearing to reveal her pink silk panties beneath where they kissed her tanned flesh.
I gave JJ a confused look, my heart beating powerfully as Rogue acted like she hadn’t noticed, her legs spreading a little wider as she pressed her tiptoes to the floor.
“Don’t let her fall, Ace,” JJ warned in a voice full of sin as he took my hand and placed it on Rogue’s lower back, before gripping her hips and shoving her forward. I swore as she landed right on my cock and my fingers automatically fisted in her shirt. Her pupils dilated and a breathy noise escaped her, making me grow even harder between her thighs.
I cleared my throat, looking over at JJ and trying to silently communicate that I was having a cocktastrophe right now, but from the smirk on his face, it looked like he knew exactly what I was dealing with.
Confused as fuck, I returned to watching Rogue as she continued cutting my beard until it was short enough to start using the clippers. JJ plugged them in then handed them to her, leaning down to kiss her neck and slide a hand up her top to play with her tits. She gasped, her hips rocking over my rock hard dick and I cursed under my breath, grabbing hold of JJ’s arm.
“What are you doing, dude?” I demanded.
He leaned back from Rogue, toying with her nipple beneath her shirt and using his other hand to hold her chin and make sure she was looking at me. She bit her lip, staring right at me as a moan rolled up from her throat and I swear I felt that noise right to the base of my cock.
“Showing you how hot you make my girl,” he said with a shrug like this was just another day in JJ land.
“What?” I hissed, figuring he’d lost his fucking mind. I wasn’t making Rogue hot, he was. And I was just a – a fucking seat.
Carnival Hill (The Harlequin Crew Book 3) Page 36
