“Must have been the TV.” Yep, must have been the TV. That sounds legit, right?
Myles’ eyes darted past me to the black screen on my wall, but he didn’t call me out. He let it go. Which was exactly what I needed to do with the whole Justin situation. The entire reason for that terrible confrontation was to put Justin in the past and Myles in the present and that was exactly what I was going to do. Move forward. Like out the door. Away from my thoughts.
Myles took my hand in his as we walked to his car. I anticipated giddiness, or butterflies, or some other overtly stereotypical reaction to holding hands with, wait for it, my boyfriend. But instead, it equated to more of an out of body experience. My former self was standing on the sidelines watching the new version, acting in a movie, playing a role for which, I was struggling to get into character.
My palm was sweating while wrapped in his, leaving my mind to bounce between my focusing on my horrible acting and praying that Myles wouldn’t notice there was a pool forming between our palms. When it came time to break apart at his car, I pulled my hand back too quickly, relieved for the space. Myles focused on my hand for a moment before he opened my door, watching me slide onto the leather seat. I tried to be discreet as I wiped the drenched skin of my hand on the pant leg of my skinny jeans.
“Do you care which movie we watch?” Myles broke the silence, pressing the ignition button of his car. “There are a few playing around the same time, so we have some options.”
“Comedy or horror.” I answered without hesitation. “Anything but romance.” The further from the possibility of a public make-out session the better. Myles was mature enough to know better, but I’m not one for banking on someone else’s prerogatives. Snorting or screaming, either activity would deter lip-locking in the theatre. There would be time for kissing later, behind closed doors. I may be new and openminded, but without a doubt, PDA and I would never be close friends.
Fifteen minutes and the equivalent of a car payment later, we were seated in the plushy seats in the theatre, loaded up with popcorn, drinks, and candy. Myles had picked a comedy loaded with well-known actors, ones who were a million times better at acting than I was. Pretending to be someone else wasn’t part of who I was, but it’s exactly how I felt in my new role.
The strangest part of the whole thing was that I wanted the role. It’s one I have been thinking about for a while. I spent months toying with the idea of changing my ways. But being there, making a go of it, I feel like an imposter. No matter how many times I remind myself that I’m worthy of being in a relationship, it’s hard to move past the image of myself imprinted on my soul. That I’m never going to be the other half of a couple. I was battling with the deepest part of my personality and once I managed to destroy the old me, who the hell was I going to be? And more importantly, would I survive?
The man sitting beside me would probably bolt if he had the slightest clue of what was going on in my head after only being an official couple for a few days. This stage of self-discovery was impossible to avoid though. Transitions don’t come without pain. He wouldn’t understand. Myles wasn’t like me. He was attractive, smart, nice, and had his life together, the essentials for a reformed girl like yours truly. I should be content, except my annoying internal voice won’t shut up, accusing me of taking the step with the wrong person. It was time for my conscience to take a back seat. My old self wouldn’t have the power to hold me back and disrupt my progress. It was part of the growth process, that my past habits would fight tooth and nail to keep me from becoming someone better.
Myles was oblivious of the battle raging on inside my head, the broken record of the reasons I shouldn’t be sitting next to him. He tucked my body into his side and ran his fingers up and down my forearm. Focusing on the simplicity of his touch, I pulled myself back to the present. Being held was strange, especially being touched in a non-sexual way. Strange but nice. Almost overwhelmingly so. There was something so comforting, more personal, in his touch. Different than with Justin. Justin’s touch wasn’t personal, it was pure intensity. Fuck, what a mess I’d become, unable to handle the most basic aspect of a relationship without overreacting.
When the lights brightened and the credits rolled, I recalled little from the movie. I couldn’t even tell you if I laughed in the right spots. My brain was busy playing tug of war instead of paying attention to the screen. No matter how many times I tried to bring myself back to the present, how many tricks I played on my mind to reel it in, I had failed more often than not. Justin, self-doubt, and confusion clouded my brain.
The worst part of it all was that I couldn’t even lean on my crutch to escape my thoughts. My only real vice was sex and sleeping with Myles wasn’t an option. I’d only be using him as a temporary fix. Instead, I’d work through the spiderwebs tangling through my psyche on my own. On the bright side, maybe I had a future as an actress after all. Myles was none the wiser as we left the theatre and walked across the street to a bar. He took my hand in his, I guess that’s what we do now, and led me to an empty booth, surprising me by sliding in beside me instead of across the table.
Myles strung together words, carrying the largely one-sided conversation while we waited for our drinks. He put in the effort, only expecting me to use the small section of my brain that wasn’t lost in the clusterfuck. The waitress set down our drinks when a couple walking through the door caught my attention and not in a good way.
I know what you’re thinking, but that’s not the reason my heart rate took off. Of all the people to walk through the door, aside from Justin, Luke Massey was the one I never wanted to see again.
Long story short, Luke and I used to work together, and at one point, I thought he was a great guy. Such a great guy that I encouraged Ally to date him. Luke was the biggest mistake of my life. He fell in love with Ally and her daughter and while things seemed to be going straight down the road of marriage and white picket fences, Ally’s heart had never really strayed from her daughter’s father.
Actually, I guess I have to own that shit show too since I’d been the one to buy the concert tickets that inevitably brought the estranged couple back together. My best friend, goody-two-shoes Alyse Little, turned out to have a bit of a wild streak and kind of went about things the wrong way when it came to working things out with her ex. In the process, Luke got hurt and their relationship ended in a messy explosion of betrayal and infidelity.
All would have been fine if that had been where it ended. People would have moved on. Time would have healed wounds. But Luke refused to let go of his emotions and in the end, his breakdown landed Ally in the hospital, her body sliced open only to be stitched back together. So yeah, Luke walking through the door was a thing of my nightmares. My entire body tensed.
Myles noticed the change in my posture and followed my eyes to the door. “Oh, it’s Luke and Candace.”
“You know Luke?” My question was lost on him as he called them over to our table. Luke must not have been paying attention to who was sitting with Myles, because if he did, he wouldn’t have taken a single step toward our table.
My panic grew with every stride Luke took. No amount of acting would keep my reaction at bay. The Pope could be sitting beside me, and it wouldn’t stop me from losing it on the asshole.
“Hey, Myles.” Luke greeted, outstretching his hand to shake my boyfriend’s. Luke’s date, who must be Candace, smiled our way.
“Hey, guys.” Myles turned toward me and started his introduction. “This is my girlfriend…”
“Maggie?” Luke’s eyes went wide, his face paled as he realized his mistake.
“You’ve got three seconds to leave.” I sneered with my teeth bared.
“What?” Myles was taken aback.
“Come on, Maggie. Hasn’t enough time passed?” Luke shoved his hands in his pockets and dropped his head. “I made a mistake, but that’s not who I am.”
“One.” I held up my finger, tightening my glare on him.
“Fine. I�
�ll leave.” Luke sighed in defeat, his shoulders hunching. “I know it doesn’t change anything, but I really am sorry.” Luke turned on his heels and walked away, the girl following a step behind him. She turned once and gave me a sympathetic smile. One that told me she knew. At least that was something. He wasn’t hiding what he’d done from her.
“I’m afraid to ask…” Myles started, pulling away enough to face me in the cramped booth. “… but what was that about?”
“Sorry.” And I meant it. Dramatic was not the theme I had envisioned for our night. “It’s a long story.”
“I have time to listen.” Myles’ mouth twitched, hinting at his indecision about whether my story was worth diving into when the outcome was unknown. “From what I know of you, so far anyway, I’m guessing you have a good reason for losing it on my friend.”
“You’re friends with him?” I exclaimed, my hands suddenly shaking, coming down from the adrenalin rush.
“Not close friends, but enough that we end up at the same place at the same time occasionally.”
“He used to date my best friend.” I started, praying that he’d already heard the story and didn’t need a recap.
“Oh, right. I remember that now. Ally, right?”
“Yes, Ally.” I took a shallow sip of my drink, setting it down to play with the condensation on the outside of the glass. “When things ended between them, it was messy.”
“I think I remember my sister talking about this.” Myles reached out and touched my leg, a gesture to let me know their story didn’t matter when it came to the two of us. “She cheated on him. Or at least that’s what the story is.”
“Technically, that part’s true but it was complicated. Ally didn’t really handle things well when it came to ending things with Luke, but I don’t want you to think badly of her. It was a weird situation and she was doing her best to manage it.” I would defend her to the death when it came to her choices, even if they weren’t right in the eyes of society. “But that has nothing to do with why I hate Luke. After they split, Luke pushed her down a set of stairs outside of a club. Ally ended up in the hospital with like a billion stitches.” I left out the part where I was the one who left Ally alone in the club, without the security guards that Tim had assigned to her. If not for me, it wouldn’t have happened. If not for me, Justin and I never would have happened in the hospital that night. God, why is Ally even friends with me? How come I hadn’t realized what a terrible friend I had been? All the negative moments in her life, I could link them back to me. My bad decisions brought her so much pain. What a wake-up call! I needed to be better. To do better.
“Shit. No, I hadn’t heard that. I guess it makes sense that part was omitted. No one is going to go around telling people they put their ex in the hospital.” Myles squeezed my leg and leaned over to place a reassuring kiss on my lips. “Thank you for telling me. That makes it easy to cut him out of my life.”
“You don’t have to…” But the truth was, he did if we were going to stand a chance. He seemed to know as well as I did, that if he remained friends with someone I despised, it wouldn’t work between us. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Myles pressed his lips to mine a second time. “Now that we’re on the same page, let’s enjoy the rest of our evening.”
***
The weeks passed by, uneventfully. Texts from Justin were replaced with phone calls from Myles. Weekend trips to watch the guys perform were replaced by dates with Myles. Our relationship was moving forward. Sex had come and gone and while it was part of our weekends, sleepovers included, it was benign, just another part of our relationship. The first time was disappointing, bland, and not much to write home about. As much as I hated to admit that Justin was right, he was where the bedroom was concerned. The chances of Myles ever making me feel the way Justin did were slim to none. Not that it was Myles’ fault. Justin had practiced and perfected his game, whereas Myles was vanilla and predictable.
Aside from the standard routine of Myles and work, there had been some excitement in my life thanks to Sarah and Ian. Ian had popped the question and the two weren’t waiting long to tie the knot. Finally, a happy outcome and a perfect new beginning for two of my favorite people. If anyone deserved a lifetime filled with love and possibility, it was the two of them. The icing on the proverbial cake was Sarah’s invitation to be part of their wedding party. Little old me was going to be a bridesmaid for someone other than my pathetic mother. Planning bachelorettes and bridal showers was a positive spin on a task I had grown to hate as a child. Not to mention weekends filled with friends and fun would be nice after giving up the wildlife to stay home with Myles.
In the world of Hazed, yes, I still creeped via social media, not much had changed. A new guitarist had played with them a few times. The same guy from the video Sarah had shown the guys months ago and that Justin has been talking about on the phone. His name and photos were plastered on every social media platform.
As for Justin, he still played a leading role in my daydreams, but it was getting easier. Especially since I filled any gaps in my schedule with Myles. And that was why I’m once again holed up in my apartment for the weekend with my boyfriend, instead of hopping on a plane to visit Ally or tagging along with Sarah to watch a concert or two.
“So, how close would you say you are with Hazed?” Myles asked out of the blue, as we sat on my sofa watching a movie.
“Why?” I was skeptical, unsure of where he was going with his question and slightly paranoid that he had found out about my time with Justin.
“There’s a new guy who’s played with them a couple of times. I would love to interview them about him and whether he’s becoming a permanent part of the band. It would be amazing if they were adding a fourth member and I was the one to break the story. Not to mention it would be a great article for the paper. You know, something to liven it up and put my name on the map.” He shrugged as if his request was self-explanatory. “Do you think you could ask them if they’d be interested? Maybe, I could tag along with when you go to the next concert.”
What next concert? I’d avoided them since things ended between Justin and me. For one, I didn’t want to tempt the beast and two, I was nervous about how things would go between us. Not enough time had passed for me to feel confident it would be okay. At least not from my end. “Um, I wouldn’t be comfortable asking them that.”
“Oh. Do you think maybe your friend, Ally, could ask them? I could always just send an email with a list of questions or a phone call would work.” Myles straightened a bit, determination written on his face. Maybe most people would feel like he was trying to use me to get ahead in his career, but I knew that wasn’t the case. That wasn’t how Myles worked. But he did love his job, and he was interested in writing this article.
“I don’t think they would be receptive, Myles.”
“Do they not give many interviews?”
“They do. It’s not that. It’s just, well…” Time for a sliver of honesty. “…Justin isn’t happy with me right now and I don’t think the guys would do it in a show of solidarity. Maybe someday, down the road, when he gets over his temper tantrum, but the timing just isn’t right. Sorry.”
“Justin is the tattooed one, right? The drummer?”
“Yep, that would be him.”
“And why is he mad at you?”
“It’s not really something I want to get into.”
“Well, that doesn’t make me feel all that warm and fuzzy Maggie.”
“We’ve hooked up a few times.” Or a few dozen times. I wasn’t counting, so who knew the actual number. “And when you and I started dating, I told him about it. He wasn’t overly pleased that I was the one to call it quits. That’s usually his thing. He’s just cranky about it. He’ll get over it.”
“You two were dating?”
I burst out laughing. “Definitely not! He doesn’t date and neither did I. Not before you. It was purely physical. Nothing more. His ego’s just bruised
.”
“I can understand that. Not that I like it, but oh well. I guess I’ll have to scrap that story and come up with something different.” Myles leaned into me wrapping his arms around my body. “Got any ideas?”
“Hmmm…” I hummed, pressing my lips to his. “What about an article on the average length of sexual encounters?”
“Are you hinting at something, babe?” Myles chuckled, before kissing me again.
“We can be the test subjects. I’ll start the timer.” I laughed, reaching for my phone on the end table. I fidgeted with the apps, finding the clock and setting the stopwatch. “On your mark, get set, go.”
***
Ally had formed a planning committee for Sarah’s bachelorette shortly after the two announced their engagement. A three-member committee, with only one of the members living near the city where the whole thing was going down. So, as the voluntold head of the committee, my job was to do the legwork before Ally and Sarah’s friend Olivia, arrived. Lucky for me, Ally was handling the costs and Olivia, who we’d yet to meet, had been full of awesome suggestions for Sarah’s last fling before the ring.
Given that Sarah’s soon-to-be husband was a tad bit on the famous side, the hardest part had been figuring out the venue and activities. Thanks to a suggestion from Myles’ sister Katie, I booked a lodge that housed twenty people and was located on a ranch that offered trail rides, a large swimming pool, spa, and catering. There was more than enough space for the eight girls Sarah had invited, and the smaller crowd would make for a more relaxed weekend. I planned corny themed games complete with prizes and everything.
I’d even drove into the city, stocking up on decorations and a vast selection of penis themed cups and straws. Try explaining those bags piled in the backseat of your car when you’re pulled over for speeding… awkward! For both myself and the officer.
The other girls would be arriving a day before the party to help put the finishing touches on the details, but for the most part, the heavy lifting was done, and I was beyond proud of myself for finishing everything on my own. The extra day together would also give us a chance to meet Olivia.
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