by Amy Cecil
Chapter 30
Things are starting to look up. Ice is coming home. Sainte is leaving. Rebel is healed. Finally, we will get things back to normal and I, for one, am thrilled. The last few weeks have been awful.
Today is the day that Ice comes home. We are planning a big welcome home party and dinner for the entire club here at the house. Everyone has been pitching in getting things ready, even Sainte. Sometimes I look at him and think that maybe I didn't give him enough credit. But then I realize that it's a lot easier to be nice to him and give him the benefit of the doubt knowing that his ass will be gone soon and I won't have to deal with him anymore. Life is good.
I made homemade lasagna the other night in preparation for the party and now I am taking the pans out of the freezer so that we can get them in the oven. Hawk went to pick up Ice and they should be here any minute. I can't wait to see him. The guys have been trickling in and Emma and Ari are keeping them happy with beers and snacks. Sainte walks into the kitchen just as I'm pulling a pan from the freezer.
"Here, let me help you with that," he says as he rushes to take the heavy pan from me. His hand grazes against my own and for a brief minute, I can feel the electricity between us. It's really unnerving how he affects me. Realizing that it’s best not to give any indication of what I just felt because he would never let it go, I step away from him and allow him to place the pan into the oven.
I walk over to the sink, my back to him, and I can feel him approaching. He stands behind me and leans in against my ear. "Tell me you didn't feel that," he whispers, his breath causing featherlike touches against my skin.
I quickly step away and say, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Yeah, darling, keep denying it," he says and then turns to leave. As he walks out of the kitchen, he adds, "It's only gonna make it so much hotter when it does happen. And it's gonna happen."
Oooh, that man infuriates me. What was I saying about him being not so bad? I was so wrong! So very wrong!
The minute Ice walks back into the house, the uneasiness that I have been feeling dissipates. Hawk is back to his old self, and even the rest of the guys seem more at ease. It’s funny how one person can ground so many. It's great having him back, but the best part of Ice being back is that Sainte will be leaving. That thought alone puts me in a fantastic mood.
We all sit down for dinner and it really is just like old times. The guys are talking shit and having fun. Sainte doesn't say much, but I catch him looking at me several times and it makes me nervous. I keep telling myself over and over again that he is leaving and that I only have to deal with his smugness for a little while longer.
"So, Wednesday, we'll be leaving for New York," Hawk says.
"Oh, that's right. The Omerta," Ice replies.
"Something is brewing with our friend in New York. Michael requested backup, so Rebel and Spike are going as well," Hawk says.
Ice nods. "That works."
I'm eagerly waiting to hear what is brewing, but the conversation about New York stops. Then Sainte chimes in, "Ice, I'd like a minute with you after dinner, if you don't mind."
"We can do that. I need to talk to you too," Ice says and he almost sounds cold. Suddenly, I'm excited. Ice must have thought about what I told him and he's gonna rip this asshole a new one. Oh, to be a fly on the wall for that!
When dinner is over, the girls and I clean up and the guys head out to the pool table and game area. When we are done, we leave the kitchen just as Ice and Sainte are coming out of Ice's office. They're laughing. What the fuck? Why are they laughing?
"Hey everyone, got some good news!" Ice yells over all the talking. When everyone quiets down, he says, "We're gaining a new member. Sainte has decided to join the club and I, for one, couldn't be more pleased."
No! No, no no! No fucking way! This was not supposed to happen. Ice was supposed to kick him out. He should be packing his bags!
Hawk walks over to Sainte and pats him on the back. "Welcome, brother. So glad to see that you got smart and decided to hang with the big boys," he says and laughs. They're happy—all of them. Even Emma and Ari. What the fuck!
I watch these people that have been family to me for many years now and I feel like I don't know them anymore. Why would they let this troublemaker into our family? I don't get it. As I look around the room, I'm dumbfounded. Then I make eye contact with Sainte and I realize that he's been staring at me the whole time. I can't take any more, so I leave the party and go to my room. I can't watch this fiasco anymore.
Later, when I am sure that everyone has left, I proceed downstairs. I need something to drink, and even wine isn't gonna cut it. I walk over to the bar and pour myself some bourbon. I've never had bourbon before, but Ice drinks it all the time. How bad can it be? Besides, I need something strong. Pouring my first shot, I down it. Holy shit! I can't fucking breath! My throat is on fire and I feel like I am going to self-combust. How can he drink this stuff? But instead of backing down and not having any more, I pour myself a second one. The burn isn't so bad the second time around. And just like that, my years of sobriety just went down the drain. Well fuck, a girl can only take so much.
"Don't you think you've had enough?" Sainte says behind me.
Doesn't this guy ever sleep? "What do you want, Sainte?" I'm annoyed.
"Well, I thought that was obvious," he replies.
"Well surprise, Mr. Confident, I don't want you!" I spit.
"You know what, Honey? You're blind. You are so dead-set on hating me that you neglect to see how perfect I am for you."
"Ha! Hawk is perfect for me. You don't know what you're talking about."
"I know you better than you know yourself. Hawk is safe. He's honorable, steadfast, and strong. Who wouldn't love him? But he lacks the one thing I can give you."
"Oh, and what's that?"
"Unbridled passion. I can light that fire in you that you crave, but are too afraid to go after." He takes a step closer, wrapping his arm around my waist he pulls me against him. "All teasing and kidding aside, Honey, I'm what you need. Deep down, even though you are afraid to admit it, I'm the one you want."
I try to push him away, but his grip on me is tight and I'm not strong enough to break free. "I'm not afraid of anything, Sainte. You're delusional."
"Ok, fair enough. Then let's test my theory out." He pauses, waiting for me to respond, but I don't. I'm listening so I can show him he's wrong. "You let me kiss you. You give in to the kiss, no holding back. If, when the kiss is over, you can honestly say that you don't want me, I'll leave you alone. And to sweeten the deal, I'll even leave the MC." He pauses again, then adds, "But if you can't, then I'm staying … and you and I are going to see where this goes."
Knowing how much I hate him, I quickly agree. I stand there waiting for him to kiss me, and when he doesn't I look at him with confusion. "What? You afraid now?"
"Oh, hell no, darling. I'm planning. This may very well be the last time I kiss you and I'm gonna make sure it's a good one."
"Oh my God, you are really something."
He doesn't answer but begins to back me against the wall. His eyes never leave my own and his stare is so intense I feel as if I am mesmerized. When I hit the wall, he takes my arms and raises them above my head, pinning them there with his right hand. He then takes his left hand and trails it down the center of my body. I begin to squirm. He moves in and tenderly kisses behind my ear and trails kisses down my neck. He moves to my mouth and hovers there briefly, then takes my lips, slowly and passionately at first and then increasing with urgency as he devours my mouth. I can't fight him. I don't want to fight him. I can't deny that he kisses unlike any man I've known and he makes me hungry for more. His tongue begins to dance with mine as he drinks from me, greedily. When he breaks away, I'm breathless, and my lips are swollen and bruised.
He steps backs and says, "Looks like I'm staying," and walks away. I stand there shakily for a few minutes; my legs have turned into rubber bands. How could on
e kiss take so much out of me? When I turn to head back toward the stairs, I find Hawk standing in the hallway. Fuck!
"Hawk! I didn't know you were there."
"Obviously," he says and turns to leave.
"Hawk, wait! Let me explain," I call after him.
"I can't talk to you right now. I'm going home. We'll talk in the morning."
"But …"
"I can't." He turns toward the door and leaves without a glance back toward me.
Oh God, what have I done?
Chapter 31
Hawk has been weird since the other night. He refused to talk to me the next morning as he promised. I've tried to talk to him several times after that, but he keeps brushing me off. I know he's pissed and hurt and frankly, I can't blame him. I know what I did was wrong on so many levels. I'm just hoping that once he lets me explain, he'll understand.
We're leaving for New York today. I really want to stay home, but Emma has really pushed for me to go. I'm not comfortable going without talking to Hawk first, so I’ll make a point to do that before we get on the road.
Everything is packed. We're only staying a few days, so Ice has instructed all of us to pack light as we're taking the bikes. Luckily for us girls, Hawk, Ice, and Rebel have luggage racks for their bikes. I assume I am still riding with Hawk.
About an hour before we're scheduled to leave, Hawk and Spike show up and begin taking bags out to the bikes. When they are done, I say to Hawk, "Before we leave, can we talk?"
"Honey, not now."
He turns to walk away and I grab his arm. "Nope, not gonna work. We're talking before I get on that bike with you." He looks down at my hand on his arm and I say, "Surely you can spare me a few minutes."
He shakes his head in disgust and says, "Fine." I tug on his arm to follow me and we proceed up the stairs to my room. Once we're behind closed doors he says, "Ok, talk."
"I want to talk to you about the other night."
"I figured as much."
"Look, I'm not sure what you heard or saw, but I want to make it clear that I don't want Sainte. Actually, I can't stand the asshole."
"And what about Ice?"
"We're friends."
"You seem more than friends to me. Not from him, but from you. You've spent so much time over the last couple of weeks worrying about him and Emma, as if you had a vested interest on whether their relationship succeeded or failed."
"The only vested interest I have is that I thought Emma was cheating on him."
"That's what you keep telling yourself, but that isn't the case, is it? You still have feelings for him, and you need to deal with those feelings."
"I'm not in love with him, not the way you think. You don't get it—he saved me. He gave me a home, a job, and a fucking family. I feel as if I owe him, or that we have some sort of bond, he and I."
“The only bond you have with him is friendship and you need to accept that. You spend too much time worrying about his life, his relationship with Emma, and her relationship with Sainte. It's a fucking triangle and there is no room for me in it. And frankly, I'm tired of watching it.”
He sits down on the bed and begins to rub at his temples. I sit down next to him and take his hand. "Hawk, I don't want either of them. I want you."
He looks over to me and I can see a sadness in his eyes. "Because I'm safe?"
“You say that as if it is a bad thing.”
“Isn’t it?” he says sadly.
"No, it’s not."
"You know what I think?"
"No, I don't, but whatever it is, you're wrong."
He laughs. "You don't know what you want. You've been in love with Ice for so long, you don't know how to love someone else. And then Sainte comes along with all his charms and you just don't know how to handle him. So you get defensive with him and use hate to push him away. Hate is a very strong emotion. I believe he scares you and so yes, you gravitate to me because I am safe. But I don't want to be safe. I want the woman I love to look at me with fire and passion in her eyes. I want her to look at me the way you look at him. I want a woman who will kiss me as passionately as you kissed Sainte the other night."
"So you saw the kiss?"
"Yes, I did, and it made me realize that you and I will never have that passion. I love ya, but maybe because you're safe for me too."
"So we're not even going to give us a chance and see where this goes?"
He shakes his head. "We're not. I know in my heart that it would be a waste of time. After watching you and Sainte the other night, I truly believe he is the man for you."
"But I hate him." I hear what Hawk is saying and I want to show him that he's wrong, but something inside is screaming at me that he is dead on.
"If you kiss all the men you hate like that, maybe I should make you hate me," he says ruefully.
“I could never hate you.” I pause and say, “Maybe if we try harder?”
“Sweetheart, love doesn’t require us to try harder. Love is passion. It’s all-consuming and I won’t settle for anything less.”
He's breaking my heart, but he's right. The passion between us is not there, not like it was with Ice and definitely not like it is with Sainte. Hawk is my best friend, my safe haven and he knows me so well, sometimes better than myself. That last thing I want to do is hurt him, but I've already done that.
"He scares me, Hawk," I admit. I see that he is relieved that I finally get what he's saying.
"Baby, you are a strong woman. You are loyal to the core and you love fiercely. You can handle him."
"I'm so afraid he will destroy me."
"Remember when you came to us, how you were so afraid to face the demons of your past? You gradually overcame your fear. You've even faced Briggs. If you can handle all that, you can handle Sainte. I truly believe he is the one for you and I am telling you to give him a chance. I'll always be here for you and I'll always be your best bud. I promise."
I can't stop the tears from falling. I'm such a fool. Hawk is such a good man. He's honorable and loving, and I am letting him walk away. But I understand what he's saying. If it were me, I wouldn't want someone to love me because I was safe. I want the passion he keeps talking about. I want the all-consuming love. I had the passion with Ice, but never the love. Maybe with Sainte, I can have both.
"You are one in a million, you know that." I nudge his shoulder. "I was just thinking that I am such a fool to let you walk away."
"Darl’n', I'm not walking away. I'm letting you find what you crave. I'm smart enough to know that I'm not it. And I'm ok with that."
"And you promise you will still be my bud?"
"I promise." He takes his finger and crosses his heart and I can't help but smile at the gesture. "Now, let's get downstairs and get on the road. I'm sure Ice is champing at the bit to get out of here."
"Ok." We head for the door and I ask, "Am I still riding with you?"
"Of course. I wouldn't want it any other way."
To be continued …
Why Rescue?
Saving one dog will not change the world
But surely, for that one dog the world would change forever.
Each year, 2.7 million adoptable dogs and cats are euthanized in the United States alone, simply because too many pets come into shelters and too few people consider adoption when looking for a pet. The number of euthanized animals could be reduced dramatically if more people adopted pets instead of buying them. Next time you are looking for a furry friend, please consider adopting from a reputable rescue.
Not in the market for a pet? You can still make a difference by making a donation to a local rescue, or my rescue of choice, Wolf Spirit Sled Dog Rescue, Inc. (WSSDR).
Wolf Spirit Sled Dog Rescue, Inc. is a 501c3 non-profit rescue located in Stuart, Virginia. Officially opened in August 2013. All WSSDR animals are vetted and micro chipped prior to adoption. They work solely from donations and support from people like you and me. They accept monetary donations, items, and you can even spons
or one of their fur kids If you would like to know more about how you can help please see their donations page on their website.
wolfspiritsleddogrescue.org
Hobbes
Raw Honey Play List
Be Alright by Dean Lewis
Love of My Life by Queen
A Million Dreams by Pink
I Was Born to Love You by Queen
Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken by Pink
I Was Made for Lovin’ You by KISS
Promises in the Dark by Pat Benatar
Beautiful Trauma by Pink
Bitch by Meredith Brooks
She’s Always a Woman by Billy Joel
Whatever You Want by Pink
Acknowledgments
As always, I would like to thank my friends and family. Without their support, I never would’ve had the courage and the vision to become a writer.
I would like to thank my husband Kevin. You’ve never doubted me or my abilities. All that I am - you let me be. I love you to the moon and back!
Also, I would like to thank the members of my street team, Amy's Amazing Street Girls. You ladies rock my world and I am so honored to have you all on my side.
I’d also like to thank Maureen Goodwin, Ann Lopez and Stephanie Nix. Thank you both so much for being my BETAs on this book and all your help and promotion throughout the publishing process.
I would also like to thank Alicia Freeman and Monica Diane. Your PR abilities are amazing and I couldn’t ask for two better personal assistants. You ladies are a pleasure to work with and I could not be more grateful for all that you do for me.
And finally, I would like to thank Ellie and Carl Augsburger of Creative Digital Studios for their insightful ideas, creative cover designs, marketing materials, promotional trailer and comprehensive editing. I am blessed to have such a talented creative design and editing team. You both are top notch!
About the Author
