by Karen Deen
I’ll never fall into this trap again. I need to stay in my own world, just using Xavier as my sounding board. That way no one gets hurt. That way I’m not opening my heart up to be crushed. I knew my life was set up the way it was before Lilly and her big ideas for a reason. It was a damn good reason too. I can’t do relationships. I can never let myself be so vulnerable again. It makes me lose my edge that I need to survive, but most of all because it hurts too fucking much.
“I swear you have the best shower. I have brothers that build so many apartments, yet when they renovated mine, my shower is so crap. I need to have words with them about that. Be careful you might have me here showering every day.” She giggles as she cuddles into my side, slipping her hands around my waist as I serve up her eggs and bacon. Not my usual spectacular job but it’ll do. I just need her to eat now so I can get this over with.
I grin down at her and kiss her on the forehead and get her to sit at the counter. While she was in the shower, I collected everything in my room and put it in her bag and placed it at the front door. I know once she eats and this all comes out, she’s going to want to kill me. I don’t expect it’s going to be pretty.
We eat in silence. Complete silence. I’ve turned off the music because I can’t listen after that song. It’s just too raw.
As I’m clearing the plates, placing them in the sink, I feel Lilly behind me. Her hands on my back.
“Kane, are you okay? Did I do something wrong?” There’s a quaver in her voice
Fuck.
“Lilly, we need to talk.” I turn and hug her as tight as I can. Taking every last second I can get. I lift her head and lean down kissing her, pouring everything I have into this one last kiss. As I pull away, she looks at me confused. Walking her to the couch, I sit beside her and take both her hands in mine.
“Kane, you’re scaring me,” she whispers. It’s like she’s too frightened to say it out loud.
I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. I can’t put this off any longer.
“Lilly, when we started this arrangement, we made rules for both our sakes.” The look on her face tells me she’s already panicking.
“We agreed that there would be no feelings, no awkwardness and when it was time to move on that we had to tell the other person face to face.” She gasps, trying to hold it together. I feel her trying to pull her hands out of mine. I grip hard even though I should be letting go. I just can’t yet.
“That we would then both walk away friends, no questions asked.” Pausing, I just don’t know how to say it. I look down, trying to find some magic strength on the floor. Don’t be such a pussy and just rip the band-aid off. It’s better for her. Don’t drag it out.
“The time has come that we both need to move on. We can’t do this anymore. I’m ending it. You need to see other people.”
I can hardly bear to look at her shocked face. I can see the hurt in her eyes. The water pooling ready to escape down her cheeks. A few times her mouth moves to say something and then she closes it again.
“I’m sorry, Red, I didn’t mean for it to go this far, to fall this far,” I softly confess.
“Don’t!” she yells. “Don’t you call me that! You just took that right away. No, don’t you dare ever call me that again.” She reefs her hands from mine and is up pacing the room now. I want to go to her and comfort her, but I know I can’t. I need to let her go. I need to let her hate me because it will be easier for her now. It won’t hurt as much.
“What the fuck was last night then? Your last good fuck before you throw me to the curb? You fucking asshole. I fucking cuffed myself naked to your fucking bed because I thought it would mean something. What the actual fuck, Kane!” I stand now trying to touch her, but she pulls away.
“It meant more than you know, Lilly. I will always treasure last night. I told you in the beginning, I can’t do relationships in this job. It’s not fair to you. I’m getting too far in. I need to walk away.” My head drops, I can’t watch the tears pouring down her face.
“I thought we were past that. I thought you felt it too. Obviously not. Thanks for the fucks, buddy. Have a great life.” She storms to the bedroom looking for her bag and then sees it at the front door.
“Wow, real classy, Kane.” Opening the door, she turns to look at me one last time and whispers, “I thought I was more than a fuck buddy. I stupidly thought we were falling in love.” With that, she slams the door and is gone.
“I fell in love with you, Red, from day one. I’ll never stop loving you,” I say to the back of the door where she walked away. I sag on to the couch and shock myself as the tears fall down my cheeks.
I just pushed away the only woman I will ever love.
The only woman who cares enough to love me.
It’s the way it’s got to be.
Because of how much I love her, it’s the only way it can be.
I’ll miss my Lilly and my Red.
Fuck, this love shit bloody hurts.
More than I ever imagined possible.
Being shot might have been a whole lot easier.
Lilly
I can hardly see the numbers in the elevator. My brain is trying to remember the number of Xavier’s floor.
Shit, what if they aren’t here?
I can’t breathe.
I just bend over trying to suck in the air. What the hell just happened?
The elevator doors open, and I run down the hall to Xavier’s door, banging like a crazy woman. That’s because I am. Please, god, let Lesh be here. I need her.
“Shit, Lilly. What happened?” Xavier says as I fall into his arms as soon as the door opens. His shoulders sag like he just worked out what’s going on. I’m sure he knows about Kane and me. “It’s okay, hun, it’ll all be okay. Come on.” He pulls me inside and walks me to the couch as Lesh comes staggering out of the bedroom, robe wrapped around her.
“Sorry,” I sob into his shoulder.
“Shhh, it’s okay.” I feel him pull away and Alesha wraps her arms around me, and we curl into each other on the couch as I sob. I can’t talk, I just need to let it all out.
I don’t know how long we stay there while I cry like my world has just ended. I know it’s ridiculous, but to me it’s like I lost my world that I had only just found. After sitting in silence for a while, all the tears dry up. Xavier gets me to sit up a little and places a cup of tea in my hands.
“Here, drink this, it’ll help,” he softly says.
“Unless it’s straight alcohol, then I doubt it,” I grumble.
He laughs a little. “There she is, our snarky Lilly is still in there.” Xavier hands a cup to Alesha and then leaves us to it, commenting he’s going for a run. No guesses with who.
As he goes to walk out the door, I yell to him, “Hope he trips in front of a bus.”
“Lilly,” Alesha yells. “You can’t say that,” she scolds me. “That’s awful.”
“What?” I shrug. “He’s an asshole and hopefully the Karma bus mows him down. I didn’t mean a literal bus, just the karma bus.”
Alesha gasps at me.
Xavier’s laughing. “I’ll make sure I pass on your well wishes, Lil. Now try to keep calm and no touching any knives while I’m gone.” You can always count on Xavier to bring humor to any situation.
“Yeah, whatever. Just don’t bring him back here otherwise all bets are off.”
He leaves, laughing to himself.
I turn back to Alesha and she looks at me with sisterly love. It’s just enough to start me off again.
“I love him, Lesh. I didn’t know what love was, but he showed me. I thought he loved me too. He never said it, but he didn’t need to. It was in his eyes, his touch, in everything we did. I’m so stupid. I thought I could show him he could have his job and love me too. But I’m not enough, I just wasn’t enough.” I suck in a breath between sobs. “My love just isn’t enough.” Tears still stream down my cheeks.
“He did what he told me he would do. No matter what
, he was always going to walk away. He followed the rules. I’m the one who broke them, I let feelings in. There’s no way I can be his friend. I just can’t love him this hard and ignore it to be friend-zoned.
“What am I going to do, Lesh? How am I going to survive this?”
“The same way we’ve always gotten through life. We will get through this together. You can do this. It’ll just take time and a whole lot of alcohol and chocolate. That I’m certain of. Now keep drinking that tea so I can open the first bottle. It’s going to be a long day.”
“I love you, Lesh.” I close my eyes and let the rest of the tears fall. I need to get them all out so I can work on moving on.
She squeezes me.
“Love you too, Lil.” Alesha sniffles. I guess she’s crying for me too.
23
Kane
THE BANGING ON THE door gets me jumping up from the couch where I haven’t moved since she left. She must want to tear more strips off me. I deserve everything she wants to do to me. I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop from grabbing her and holding on, though.
“Lilly, I’m sor…” My voice drifts off coming face to face with Xavier at my door.
“Nah, man. You’re lucky it’s just me. She’d be carrying a knife or a gun right now,” he says as he walks past me into my apartment.
I slowly close the door, not ready to hear whatever he’s come here to say. To tell me what an asshole I am, what a shit thing I’ve done, Alesha now hates me too, and all the other things that he’s thinking.
“Get your runners, that can’t have been easy. I’ve seen the fallout. We need to run this off. No arguing.” I stand there staring at him. Besides the woman whose heart I’ve just driven a knife through, the man standing in front of me is the only person to ever understand me. To know me deep down into my soul. Be here, when I need him and know I can’t talk but to push me to do the thing that helps me. I just walk towards him, placing my hand on his shoulder and squeeze to let him know how much I appreciate what he’s doing. Not lecturing me, not trying to make me laugh, just being here.
Lacing up my last runner, I look around my room. It was only a few hours ago Lilly was lying naked right here in my arms. How quickly life can change. I wish it could be different. I need to get out of here to clear my head. I’ve got to be fully focused by tomorrow morning. There’s no room for error in this job. Somehow, I’m going to pack my bag in the morning and walk out of here and leave Kane behind for a while. He will have to stay here with his memories of his girl. Meanwhile, Craig Johnson, my undercover persona, will be out scouring nightclubs for the scumbags who are preying on women.
“Come on, man, getting grey and old out here waiting,” Xavier calls out to me. I stand and walk on autopilot out to the living room. I know how to do this. I’ve been here before, telling my brain to block feelings out. This is no different. It just means locking down the part that thinks too much.
“Let’s do this.” He pats me on the shoulder, and we head for the door. Just before he walks out, I grab his arm. He turns back to look at me.
“Thanks.”
It’s just one word. One that carries so much meaning and emotion. Xavier nods and turns towards the elevator. Time to put one foot in front of the other. I have no other choice.
Pounding the pavement is my go-to when I’m struggling with work. It usually helps. We’ve been running for over an hour and all I can see are two visions on repeat in my head. My Red, cuffed to my bed seducing me with her siren call. Then it gets crushed by the vision of my Lilly with tears and hate closing the door as she walks away, doubting her love for me, and worse, still doubting my love for her. I slow down and stop in the middle of the path in the park. Hunching over, hands on my knees, I just close my eyes. I’m done. This isn’t going to take the pain away. Nothing will.
“Kane.” I hear Xavier’s voice call in the distance. Except he isn’t that far away from me. It’s happening. The walls are going up and I’m retreating to where nothing can touch me. I’ll cope this way. Time to head home and prepare for tomorrow.
“I’m done,” I grumble and turn to start for home. He knows me well enough to back off now. I’m finding my zone. Slowly but surely, turning off any register of emotion. Saying goodbye to the Kane that Lilly knows, and becoming the hard-ass policeman that I will need to be to get through this assignment.
***
Hours have ticked by and I can’t shake the feeling of uncertainty. I can’t tell if it’s the uncertainty of what I’ve done today or the nervousness I always get before I head into an undercover assignment. Either way, I’m on edge and normally I would go and punch the hell out of the bag in Xav’s gym or find a woman and have a great hard fuck. Both are so unappealing right now.
I’m lying on my bed, smelling her, seeing her vision and feeling her presence all around me. Strangely enough, it’s the only thing that is quieting my mind and bringing me peace. I hope by the next time I’m in this bedroom, the scent is still here and hasn’t left me. I wish I could bottle it.
Closing my eyes, I try to coax sleep into the room. He’s playing hard to get tonight. I’m not sure I’ll even bother trying. I’ll harness this nervous energy, ready to use tomorrow. I’ll need every part of the adrenaline I can get.
Craig Johnson, welcome aboard. Hope you’re worth the pain!
Lilly
Tomorrow my head is going to hurt, there’s no doubt. The amount of alcohol consumed today along with the lack of food, I’m definitely going to pay for it. I’ve been up hugging the bowl for the last couple of hours. I’ve managed not to vomit yet, but it’s been damn close. How did I let Alesha get me this drunk? She’s supposed to be the responsible one, yet she was leading the charge. Xavier should have supervised us. We needed someone to tell us we had enough. Not that I would have listened. I just want to forget today; come to think of it, the last few weeks.
Erase Kane from my memory.
Wait, not totally erase him.
I want to keep the good memories. Actually, all the memories except from around ten am today.
How pathetic am I? Sitting here with my head hovering over the toilet and yet I’m licking my lips thinking of Kane and his big bad wolf cock. I’m fucked in the head. Totally screwed up. I need sleep to get rid of this feeling. The feeling that I want to be sick, and the one where I want to run back to his apartment and beg him to change his mind. Like some pitiful woman.
This is not me. I’m stronger than this. He can’t break me.
I won’t let him.
Well, I won’t let him tomorrow.
He’s already proven he can totally shatter me today.
Asshole
***
“What’s that noise?” I grumble. I try to pull my pillow over my ears.
It’s so loud.
Good, it’s stopped.
Then it starts up again. “Shut up!” I yell, this time trying to open my eyes to work out what the hell is going on. “Bad idea.” I squint at the sunshine peeking in through the curtains in my bedroom. “I’m never drinking again.”
Sitting up very slowly, suddenly the noise starts screeching again. I put my hands over my ears to shield from the pain. On a normal day, this noise would be loud but on a hungover Monday morning, it’s killing me. Stumbling to my feet, I go in search of what it is.
I can hear voices and noise in my kitchen and the smell of food. Not sure my stomach is happy about that, but I’m holding it together, barely.
“Jesus, woman, I give you one job. Get your sorry hungover backside over there on the stool and let me handle this,” I hear Xavier swat Alesha on the butt as she giggles.
It all makes sense now with the noise. My smoke alarm is touchy and if Alesha is cooking toast then it’s going off at her charcoal-toasting techniques.
“Morning,” I mumble as I stagger into the kitchen. “Can we keep it down to a dull roar?”
Xavier laughs out loud. “Another sore head. Sympathy factor zero. All self-inflicted, j
ust like your sister. You should have seen me trying to get you home last night and into bed. I’m the one who needs sympathy for putting up with drunk Lilly who never stopped crying. Plus, blame Alesha for the smoke alarm. I gave her one job. Apparently, that’s too hard this morning.”
“Xavier.” I glare at him. “Shut. Up.” His constant talking is killing my head.
“Wow, you take the prize for the most hungover between you two, then. Sit your ass next to your sister. You both need to eat to soak this alcohol out of your systems before you face work.”
“Urgh,” we both groan together. “Can’t we call in sick? I know the boss. He’ll be okay,” I plead.
“Pfft, you must still be drunk. You’ve mixed up your brother with an alien if you think Grant will approve a sick day because you’re hungover. Nice try, sunshine. Now start drinking, food will be ready in a minute when I remake the toast, courtesy of drunk twin number two over there.” He pushes a mug of coffee in front of me and Alesha pushes the tablets at me for my headache.
Today already needs to be over and it has only just started.
***
“You got the story straight? We had to drop past the wedding dress shop for a quick fitting, that’s why we’re late. Right?” I look at Alesha’s face and know she’s going to screw this up. She can’t lie to save herself. Not even a little white lie.
“Never mind. You say nothing and just nod as I do the talking, okay? Do not make eye contact with Grant, otherwise you know he’ll call us out.”
“Why can’t we just tell the truth?” Alesha looks at me with her goody-two-shoes face.
