by Zoey Gong
“My lady!” Suyin bows, bending down on her knees. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”
It takes a moment for my breath to come back to me and my heart to stop racing enough for me to speak.
“Su— Suyin?” I can hardly believe what I am seeing. For a fleeting moment, I wonder if she is a ghost.
“Yes,” she says, standing, her hands folded tightly in front of her. “It’s me.”
I blink a few times. “What…what are you doing here?”
She climbs over the log. “I came to be with you, my lady.”
“What? Why?”
“I…I missed you,” she says sheepishly.
I shake my head, my mouth still agape. Questions run through my head, all crashing together. Why is she here? How is she here? Why was she hiding? Should I send her away? Has something terrible happened?
Suyin nervously chews on her lower lip, waiting for my response. But I cannot speak. Above all the questions, all the doubts, is such a sense of relief at seeing my maid, my friend, I can only cry. I drop my basket and quickly walk to Suyin, grabbing her and pulling her into my arms. I burst into tears as she hugs me back. I did not realize just how lonely I had been until this moment.
There is so much to say, so much I need to ask, but all that can wait. For now, I hold my friend in my arms and cry until there are no tears left.
2
I wipe the tears from my cheeks. “What are you doing here?”
“I…I couldn’t stay there,” she says, somewhat shamefaced.
“Why? What’s happened? The emperor…” I can’t bring myself to ask the question most on my mind.
“He’s alive…barely,” she says. “The doctors don’t know how he has managed to hold on for so long. His wounds have healed somewhat, at least on the outside. But as soon as he heals from one infection, another follows. He is in constant pain. He hasn’t left his bed. Prince Honghui has been standing in as the emperor in all but name.”
At the mention of Honghui, I have to sit on a nearby log. I have not allowed myself to think of him. At least, I have tried to stop myself from doing so. But late at night, when the only noise is the chirrup of crickets and the hooting of owls, I can think of nothing else.
“What is wrong?” Suyin asks, kneeling by me and taking my hand.
I shake my head. “Nothing. Just…memories…” I can see the prince’s face clearly in my mind. The worry across his brow. The darkness under his eyes from not sleeping. The strain of ruling—a burden that should never have been his—weighing heavily on his shoulders. Even from far away, and even though I have not seen him in so long, I know how he must suffer.
I clear my throat and the memories away as I stand to resume my search for mushrooms. I pull Suyin up to walk next to me, arm in arm, through the woods.
“So, why are you here?” I ask again. “Something must have happened to drive you away.”
“It’s the dowager empress,” she says as we walk together. “She has become intolerable. The emperor has been too ill to choose a new empress. Even if he did, I don’t think any of the ladies would have the strength to take her rightful place as head of the harem. Fenfeng rules over all of us, and she never lets us forget it.”
“What did she do to you?”
“I was demoted to kitchen maid, scrubbing pots,” she says, her nose wrinkling. “And worse. Any disdainful job she could think of, I was ordered to do it.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “But why come here? I gave you plenty of money. You could return home.”
“My parents would never allow me to desert my post so shamefully. The only honorable way I could leave service would be through marriage. And I don’t think Fenfeng was interested in finding me a husband any time soon. And if she did…” She shudders. “I can’t imagine who her choice would be. Certainly a butcher or a gravedigger.”
I nod. Butchers occupy a strange place in society. They do hard, necessary work. But having to kill and spill blood… The very thought makes me ill. Even if such a man earns an honest wage, to be promised in marriage to a butcher is a great indignity for any woman.
“Your parents are sure to learn of your actions,” I say. “When Fenfeng notices you are gone, she will send messengers to them to find you.”
“And they will honestly be able to say that they have no idea where I am. Eventually, when Fenfeng has forgotten me, I will tell my parents that I have dedicated myself to Heaven. They will be disappointed, of course, but I will send them the money you gave me. I am sure that the amount will be enough to earn their forgiveness.”
“I am glad to have you here,” I say. “But it will be up to Tao Fashi whether or not you can stay with us.”
“If she does not allow me to stay in the abbey, then I will live here in the woods. I’ll not leave you.”
I try to smile but cannot without tears forming again. “And what of Jinhai?” I ask. “Has he fared any better?”
“No,” she says sadly. “But as a eunuch, he cannot leave the palace. If he were caught, he would immediately be put to death. I stayed as long as I did for him. We were a team. But he eventually insisted I go. No sense us both being miserable, he said.”
I come upon a large cluster of mushrooms and bend down to pick them. Suyin helps me. “I wish there was something I could do for him.”
“I do not think there is,” Suyin says. “Even if Fenfeng were to die, you do not exist. I don’t know who would be the head of the harem then. Yanmei, I suppose. She has not been in the harem the longest, but she is the highest-ranking of the emperor’s ladies. I suppose she should be serving as the empress now, but Fenfeng will not allow it.”
“Poor Yanmei.” Yanmei had been a dear friend to me. I had meant to do her a great honor by promoting her. But I fear I have put her directly in Fenfeng’s path instead.
We stand up and I brush my dirty hands on my plain robe. Suyin smirks. “Is that how you dress every day?”
I have to chuckle. Even Suyin, in her servant’s robe and after traveling for days, if not weeks, looks more like a lady than I do.
“Well, it is easy to dress myself.”
“You won’t have to do that anymore,” Suyin says. “I can help you.”
“No,” I say firmly. “There are no servants or masters here. We all serve only the goddess. In a strange way, I feel honored to dress this way. I did not realize how much I missed living a simple life.”
Suyin cocks her head curiously. “What do you mean?”
I feel my cheeks go hot at my blunder. Even Suyin never knew the truth of my identity. Even now, she thinks I was raised as the daughter of a military commander and a noblewoman. I was never going to tell her. But now…I suppose I don’t have a choice.
I chuckle uneasily and slip my arm through hers. “Come,” I say, leading her back to the abbey. “We have much to talk about.”
At the end of my story, Suyin puts her cup down on the low tea table that sits between us and is silent. She opens her mouth to speak, then closes it again. I see several expressions cross her face. Confusion, sadness, and even anger. Her silence unnerves me, and I am oddly relieved that I still did not reveal the full extent of my secrets to her. I did not tell her of my love affair with Prince Honghui. That is something I think I must take to my grave.
“Please, say something,” I beg. I reach across the table to take her hands, but she slides them away, putting them in her lap. Tears fill my eyes, but I do my best to hold them back. I have no right to be hurt by her reaction. I was the one who wronged her, who lied to her all this time.
“You were the empress,” she finally says softly. “The empress of China. Wife of the emperor. But you…you are not even Manchu.”
“I know,” I say.
“I had more right to your position than you did,” she says, her voice growing louder, sharper. “And yet I served you! Dressed you, bathed you, cleaned your chamber pot.”
“I never wanted any of that!” I say. “I never wanted to be chosen.”
“All the greater the insult!” she says in a huff, crossing her arms.
“Suyin, I’m sorry,” I say. “But what else could I have done? Tell me.”
“You should have never taken Mingxia’s offer,” she says.
“I know,” I say. “But my family was starving. I know you come from a poor family, but your father still had a good position. A reliable income. You never went to bed hungry, did you?”
Her anger softens a little. “No,” she admits. “I suppose I can’t fault you for wanting to help your family. I’ve sent almost all of my money home too. My father hasn’t left his position yet, but he will. He’s bought a house with a bit of farmland around it. He says that once the first harvest comes in, he’ll be able to earn enough money to only work for himself.”
There is a stabbing pain in my heart and I nod. How I hope my father also used his money wisely. I wish I had been able to contact him. I would have sent them so much more after I was made empress. Enough that Father wouldn’t even need a farm to support him and my sisters. He could just live on the money I sent him and never have to worry for anything.
“I am happy for him,” I say. “I never wanted to help myself, only others.”
Suyin scrutinizes my face for a moment, as if she is looking for more lies. I don’t think she sees any because in this, I am being wholly truthful.
“At least I now know why you were so generous compared to the other ladies. I was grateful, of course, but it seemed so strange to me. For a long time, I didn’t send the money to my father or spend an ounce of it. I hid it away, always afraid you were going to change your mind and ask for it back.”
“You didn’t trust me?” I ask, surprised. Not that I was worthy of trust, but I never thought she suspected me of any deceit.
She shrugs. “I don’t know. It was just…a feeling. A feeling that something about you wasn’t quite right. You were just so…strange. Especially for a lady.”
“You have good instincts,” I say. “You were right not to trust me. I was lying. I was deceiving you, and everyone else. There was no malice in it. It was I who lived in constant fear. But you couldn’t have known that, known that my intentions were good.”
Suyin gives a small nod and goes quiet again. She picks up her now cold teacup and sips at it. Neither of us says anything for a long time.
“Are you…still angry with me?” I finally dare to ask. I am not sure I want to hear the answer, but the silence gnaws at me.
“No,” Suyin says with a defeated sigh. “I wish I were, but I’m not. I am more hurt, I think. Hurt that you never told me the truth. That you never trusted me enough to tell me the truth after all we went through. I guess if I never came here, I would never have known.”
I have to nod in agreement. “I wish I’d had enough courage to tell you sooner. You and Jinhai.”
“Poor Jinhai,” Suyin says, shaking her head. “He’ll never know, I suppose.”
“Maybe I could write to him,” I say.
“You can write?” she asks.
“Not very well,” I have to admit. “But the sisters here have been so gracious to me. I’ve learned a lot since coming here.”
“And do they know the truth?” she asks.
I shake my head. “No, not even Tao Fashi. Even here, so far away from the Forbidden City, I am afraid of my secret coming to light. I don’t want to put anyone here in danger.”
“Well, you should not write to Jinhai,” Suyin says. “Anyone could intercept the letter. I think you are right to still be cautious. Even though the emperor banished you, erased you, no one has really forgotten you. If your true identity were discovered, it might anger people.”
“Exactly,” I say. “Thank you for understanding.”
“As it is, the people still love you. They still talk about the empress who saved the empire. The empress who saved them from starvation in the mountains. They leave offerings outside the gate and burn incense.”
My heart races and the fear that had been lingering in the back of my mind rushes forward. I almost want to flee, but where would I go?
“Is the emperor very angry about it?” I ask. “I knew that some people remembered me. They come here, to the temple, and give me gifts. I donate everything to Tao Fashi and the abbey. But I had hoped it was only a few people who thought of me. I don’t want attention.”
She waves her hand dismissively. “The emperor hardly knows what is happening in his room, much less beyond the great red walls. The dowager empress, however, it displeases her greatly. She has the guards remove the offerings daily and run off the petitioners. But they always come back the next day.”
I unsuccessfully try to stifle a chuckle. I fear the dowager, greatly, but a small part of me can’t help but be amused that my presence still lingers to vex her. Suyin giggles as well.
“Are we…on good terms again?” I ask.
“We will be,” she says. “I am still hurt, and a bit overwhelmed by everything you have told me. It will take time for the pain to heal, but I do forgive you.”
Tears of relief spring from my eyes and I put my hand to my mouth to keep from crying out loud. “Thank you,” I manage to whisper.
Suyin moves to my side of the table and wraps her arms around me. “But don’t think for a moment that I’m ever going to clean your chamber pot again.”
I bark a laugh. “I think I can live with that.”
A gong is struck, signaling that it is time for evening prayers before bed. I stand and pull Suyin up next to me.
“Come,” I say. “I must give thanks to the goddess. I have never had so much to be thankful for.”
“I never thought you were very religious,” Suyin says as we cross the courtyard together.
“I wasn’t,” I say. “But I can only credit my survival to divine intervention.”
“Perhaps the gods still have plans for you yet,” she says thoughtfully.
“I hope not,” I say. “If I could live the rest of my life here, in peace and safety, I would be content.”
3
I am so excited to have my friend with me—my friend, not my maid—that I cannot sleep. I give Suyin my bed until Tao Fashi can find a more permanent place for her and I sleep on the floor. Well, Tao Fashi said “permanent,” but I am certain she will not let Suyin stay indefinitely if she does not dedicate herself to the goddess.
But now that Suyin is with me, maybe I will find the strength to leave. I have nothing, but Suyin still has some of the money she earned with her. I know how to live frugally, so even a small amount of money could tide us over for quite some time. Perhaps…perhaps we could try to find my family.
The thought of seeing my family again, hugging my sisters, being hugged by my parents, thrills me so much, I wish we could leave right now. But it is the middle of the night, and the moon is high in the sky. I lie on my back for what seems like hours, staring at the rafters above me in the large, shared room where a dozen women sleep. They all breathe evenly, deeply, not least of all Suyin. She always was a heavy sleeper, which was why I was able to sneak out of my room and meet with Prince Honghui.
I am restless, my feet shaking, itching to move. Finally, I can stand it no longer and throw back the cover of my little pallet. I slip quietly to the door. One of the other women must be a light sleeper as she raises her head and looks toward me, though I do not think she can see who it is in the darkness of the room.
“Shh,” I whisper. “Go back to sleep.” Her head bobs and then rests back on her pillow. I open and close the door quickly so as not to wake anyone else.
The night air is a little chilly, so I wrap my robe tightly around me and shove my hands into my armpits. It only takes a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. The moon is quite bright and not blocked by trees in the wide, open courtyard. I shuffle across the bricked yard, my linen shoes growing wet with dew.
The doors to the temple are always open, so I step inside and try to shake the wet from my feet. There are braziers li
t on either side of the room, and tiny, orange dots from smoldering joss sticks seem to float in midair below the statue of the goddess. I am not surprised to see Tao Fashi kowtowing to the goddess even though it is the middle of the night. In my months here, I have found her praying at various times of the day and night. She is truly the most devout person I have ever met.
Tao Fashi sits up, her hands folded in front of her, a slight smile on her face. She bows to the goddess one last time and then looks directly at me, causing me to start a bit. I thought I had been more quiet than that.
“Come,” she says, patting the little pillow next to her. “Sit with me.”
“I did not mean to disturb you,” I say as I cross the room and fold down to my knees on the pillow.
“You did not disturb me,” she says kindly. “I was nearly finished.”
“You should return to bed,” I say. “It is late and you must be tired.”
She chuckles. “At my age, the eternal sleep looms large. There is still much for me to do and I cannot waste what little time I still have on this earth sleeping. You are young and need your rest. It is you who should be sleeping.”
I shake my head. “I tried but could not.”
“The presence of your friend warms your heart.”
“Yes. I did not realize how lonely I was, even surrounded by so many kind and generous women. “
“What will you do now?” she asks, surprising me. As a former wife of the emperor, I am supposed to spend the rest of my life here. Even though that is not the life I desire, I did not think that Tao Fashi would approve of any wish to leave.
“What do you mean? I…I am supposed to stay here.”
“And how often in your life have you done what you were supposed to do?”
I blush, unsure how to answer. Does Tao Fashi know more about me than I thought? Was she listening as I told Suyin my story?
