by Vi Carter
“Are you okay?” Sweat gathers at the nape of my neck .Flushing the toilet, I get up off the floor. “Yeah, just a second.” I respond to Una. What was she doing in my room?
Facing the mirror, I wash my face only to have my stomach lift again. I make it to the toilet and get sick two more times before my stomach finally settles. I listen but can’t hear anyone in my room. Washing my face again and brushing my teeth, I leave the bathroom.
“Are you okay?” Una is sitting on my bed.
“Yeah. I just ate something funny.”
“Every morning?”
The blood drains from my face. “Please Una.”
She holds up her hands and gets off the bed. “Svetlana, I’m here to help you. You can trust me.”
Trust. What a powerful word. It was something that had the power to destroy people. But right now I had no one else. My vision blurs, but I swallow down the tears.
“I think I might be pregnant.” Which was crazy. I didn’t know it could happen after only a few times.
She’s nodding like she already got that. I hadn’t noticed she was holding anything until she steps towards me.
“I keep a few in my bathroom just in case.”
I take the pregnancy test from Una and hate the shake that has entered my hands.
“You won’t…”
She cuts me off. “I won’t say a word to anyone.”
“Are you scared?” She asks.
I give a shaky laugh. “Terrified.” The funny thing was, I wasn’t terrified to have a kid, being a mother would mean the world to me, and having Liam’s baby made me love him even more. But I wasn’t sure how he would react. We didn’t know each other very long, and I had never thought about getting pregnant.
“Do you want some privacy or I can stay?” Una flicks her gaze to the pregnancy test.
“I’m good. Thank you.”
“If you need me, I’m here.” Una turns to leave and fear grips me.
“Maybe stay.”
She smiles as she returns to the bed and sits down. It’s awkward when I go to the toilet and pee on the stick. I’m not sure if I should sit in here and wait or go out to Una. It says it can take up to five minutes. It’s only been a few seconds and already I can’t stay calm. I open the bathroom door and Una stands up.
“I’m still waiting,” I tell her and she sits back down.
“Do you have family?” She asks.
“No. It’s just me and my uncle.”
The thoughts of him frightened me even more now. “If he found out he would kill all of us.”
Una pales. “He’s really dangerous.” She whispers.
I nod. “He will want me back.” I’m shaking my head. “He won’t stop.” I’m talking out loud as I sit down on the bed beside Una. “If I’m pregnant.” I touch my stomach and stand up abruptly, the thoughts of what he would do has me going to the bathroom. I left the test on the rim of the sink. Picking it up my stomach lunges and I half laugh, half cry as I hold on to the sink.
“Well?” Una sounds breathless as she stands behind me.
I hand her the test and she stares at it before she glances at me.
“Congratulations.” She hands me the test but doesn’t smile.
I stare down at the result window. I was pregnant.
Una steps out of the bathroom and I look up at her in confusion.
“You won’t say anything.”
She pauses at my bedroom door. “You have my word I won’t.” But something in her eyes is telling me a different story, one I have no idea how to decipher.
I hide the test at the back of the bathroom cupboard. I can’t stop the onslaught of emotions I feel as I make my way to my lessons. One part of me feels like I’m walking on clouds, yet the other feels like it’s dodging trip wires.
“Svetlana.” Sam greets me with a warm smile.
I try to stay focused, but it’s hard when my mind continues to wander to what’s growing inside me. I had no idea how Liam would take it or when I should tell him. He had so much going on, I didn’t think now was the right time.
The door opens to the study and my stomach twists as Liam steps in. He’s wearing a gray suit and he looks amazing. I smile at him, but worry still lingers.
“Please continue.” he instructs before unbuttoning his suit jacket and sitting down. He does this sometimes, just sits through my lessons and watches me. It’s distracting as hell, but I normally love it. Today however, I fear he will see my nerves.
“You seem distracted.” I kick myself. I had forgotten about Sam.
“Yeah. I didn’t sleep so well,” I tell him.
“You didn’t?” This comes from Liam, who stares at me.
“No.” I wasn’t sure what else to say.
“Our lesson is over soon but I’m sure this once, that it is okay to finish a bit earlier.” He’s looking at Liam, asking his permission. Liam must give a nod of approval as Sam starts to gather up his books.
“Get some sleep.” He tells me before leaving. Once the door closes I can sense Liam’s eyes on me.
“You want to tell me what kept you awake last night?”
I can’t face him. “Nothing.”
He’s moving and I close my eyes as he rests his hands on my shoulders gently.
I reach back and place my hands over his strong ones. My heart beats faster and I feel the want to tell him burn a pathway inside me. My hands automatically want to reach for my stomach, but I keep them on Liam’s.
“Do you want to talk about Holic?” His question throws me as he releases my shoulders, my hands slide down into my lap. I focus on him as he walks around the table and sits down so he’s facing me. My heart skips a beat when he’s eyes bore into mine, prodding, curious and unsure.
“He’s dead. What more is there to say.”
Liam nods. “My thoughts exactly.” Why did I feel disappointed in his answer? His brows furrow and it’s an unusual expression on Liam who always seemed so put together, so controlled and untouchable, I was starting to learn he was none of those things and I loved that about him.
“But.. that is my thoughts on it. I don’t believe that it’s yours.” He’s trying to piece together a puzzle. It’s like he knows it’s not meant to sit in the box, that you are meant to make it up. He’s a child learning to deal with not just emotions but understanding other people’s. Right now, holding back my thoughts on Holic wasn’t an option. I wanted to show him that he was right, that this is deeper, even if I didn’t want to talk about Holic.
“You’re right.”
His eyes look a lot brighter at my response. So I continue. “Holic was home. That might sound dysfunctional.” I glance down at my hands and a small laugh falls from my lips. “It is dysfunctional but even his cruelty was home.” I nod as I swallow down the tears. “He loved me in his own warped way, and my uncle did that to him. He made him that way.” My lip trembles and I swallow again. Liam hasn’t as much as blinked, and I have no idea what he is thinking.
“I always hoped that I would never become like them, you know?” I swallow again and exhale as my eyes burn. The truth is rooted into my soul and I wish I could uproot it. “I’m not proud of what I’ve done.” Tears fall and with them some of the pain. “I’ve become them.”
Liam shakes his head. “You did what you needed to do to survive.”
He didn’t understand. “I enjoyed it, Liam,” I confess.
“A part of me wishes you hadn’t killed him either.” His words are like a slap in the face and I flinch back.
“So I could have torn him apart, from limb to limb.” His anger that he had held back through this conversation is there like something tangible in the room. It’s fascinating watching him trying to reel it in. It’s a glimpse of the darkness inside him, and I hate how much more I want to see. He scares me when he’s like this, but I know he would never hurt me.
Liam stands up and comes around to me. Looking up into his eyes, my stomach squeezes and I think of the baby. Was it
a tiny dot? Did it know that it’s mother and father were here in the room? Would I raise it at home in the Czech amongst the lush green grass or would it be here with the O’Reagans?
Liam reaches out a hand and I take it as he helps me out of the chair. “I want you to feel safe here with me.”
His words have a smile growing on my face. It’s like him saying he loves me. The fact he wants me to feel safe with him, it really was a big step for Liam.
“I do.” I rise up on the tip of my toes and plant a kiss on his lips. “I always feel safe with you, Liam.” I kiss him again, he hasn’t closed his eyes and neither have I. It’s there on the tip of my tongue to tell him I love him.
“I don’t think you are safe with me.” I place a kiss on his jaw line. I inhale sharply as he places his hands on my hips, the heat of his hands burning my flesh.
“Why is that, Svetlana?” My name on his lips has my stomach twisting.
“I want you,” I say and my heart beats a little faster.
“You have me.” His hand leaves my side and touches me face, his eyes roam my face and my breath hitches in my chest as his lips tug up into a half smile.
I kiss his half smile and his lips mold around mine. I’m still gentle with him as he’s healing slowly. The kiss grows deeper, his tongue demands entry that I grant. My body hums for him and I wonder if this feeling will ever leave or even fade. My body responds to Liam like it’s the first time his hands touched me. I never seem to have enough of him. His fingers flitter along the hem of my jumper and I don’t want him to hold back.
“Will we go upstairs?” I ask as his lips leave mine.
“You don’t like this room?” He asks with a straight face and I giggle, Liam smiles and I want to tell him I love him but I don’t as the door opens.
“Do you have a minute?” Shane asks and I step away from Liam trying to fix my clothes.
“Go ahead.” Liam’s response has Shane’s eyes darting to me before they settle on his brother.
“Gardai are looking for you, you need to go down to the station.”
I grip Liam’s hand like I might be able to keep him here with me.
“It’s alright. It’s only standard questions.” Liam explains. He leans in and kisses me softly on the forehead. I can almost feel Shane’s irritation and I think it’s towards me. When I look up, he’s staring at me, and now I wonder if Una lied to me and told Shane. His gaze flickers away from me.
“I’ll be back soon.” Liam releases my face and I just nod. Once he steps away from me, I fold my arms across my chest. Liam pauses at the door and looks back at me.
“Get some sleep.”
I force a smile. “I will. Be safe.”
I have the urge to run to him and kiss him, but he leaves with Shane heavy on his heels.
When he gets back, I would tell him about the baby. My hands flutter to my stomach and I can’t stop the smile that spills across my face. He will be an amazing father. I wish right now my parents were alive. What would my mother tell me right now? I had no idea what I was doing. I’d never changed a nappie or cleaned a runny nose. Fear clutches my throat and I try to loosen it by leaving the study and making my way upstairs. I needed to rest. Maybe some rest would help and when I woke up, I prayed that Liam would be back home and I would tell him that he was going to be a father.
CHAPTER TWELVE
LIAM
I don’t want to leave Svetlana. Something doesn’t feel right with her. When she spoke of Holic, my fear was that maybe some part of her loved him too. That thought, I couldn’t bear.
“You will take care of her,” I speak to Shane, as I climb into my car. Once I’m seated, I look up at him.
“Of course.” He didn’t seem to like her, but I didn’t care about that. All I needed to know was that he would keep her safe. “Like you would with Una,” I state.
His eyes widened slightly. “For you, yes.”
That’s all I needed to hear. I close the door and reverse out of Shane’s garage.
***
“Peter,” I greet my solicitor as we make our way into Navan Gardaí station.
“My advice is the same as always. Try not to respond.” Peter’s advice is said as we arrive at the front desk. Gardaí Weldon is there, ready and waiting for us. He’s nervous and it’s a reminder that I need to employ more Gardaí, ones who don’t look like they are working with the enemy.
“This way, Mr. O’ Reagan.”
I follow him to a room off the left. It’s a basic interrogation room. Peter and I sit facing the wall while Gardaí Weldon sits down across from us, the chair beside him empty. Maybe that’s why he is nervous.
“Are we waiting for someone else?” I ask.
The door opens and Gardaí Phillips arrives. His intelligent eyes meet mine.
“Gardaí Philips. It’s been a while,” I state. He doesn’t respond, as he opens his file and takes out a pen. He wasn’t on my payroll. This wasn’t going to be easy. But, at least now I understand what made Weldon so nervous.
Gardaí Philips was an Army sergeant, now he was over the Criminal Assets Investigations of Ireland, or the CALL.
“Liam O ’Reagan,” he says my name slowly, and he sports a smile that I want to wipe off his face. “It has been a while. How is your brother? The one who lost his wife?”
“Great. Thank you so much for asking. I didn’t realize that this was a personal chat, Gardaí Philips, but since it is, how is your wife and son, Luke isn’t it?”
He bristles. “Darragh has been asking after him. I do recall at your last meeting you had a personal chat about it.”
Anger tightens his fist. I knew it wasn’t wise to poke at him, but I couldn’t help it. It normally was wise when it rattled some of them and they stepped away. With Gardaí Philip I could tell it was going to push him forward in his quest to destroy my family, as he had once promised.
He returns his focus back to the file.
“Holic Cerny was found dead at your premises four days ago. He had multiple stab wounds to his back. A knife with your fingerprints was found at the scene.” He’s reading what is written in front of him.
“You want to tell me what happened?”
Peter places his hand in front of me, his cue for me to remain silent.
“He broke into my home and attacked me. I acted in self-defense,” I answer.
He checks his notes. “I don’t see anything here about someone breaking and entering.”
Peter’s hand once again rests in front of me.
“The house was unlocked. But I did inform Gardai Brady about the events. Maybe your staff need to become more thorough with their work. “
Gardai Philips smiles and he closes the file. “Why don’t you tell me your fairytale of the night’s events.”
“Gardai Brady took my statement already. I suggest you go find it.” I speak to Gardai Weldon who starts to get up.
Philips stops him. “Sit down.”
When he doesn’t, Philips stares at him. “I pay your wages, not him. So sit down.” There it was, he knew he was on my payroll. Gardai Weldon sits back down.
“Please, just tell me what happened.”
Peter’s hand appears in front of me again and for the first time I’m thinking about heeding his warning to stay quiet.
“What are you charging my client with?” Peter asks.
Philips doesn’t look away from me. “I’ve got a list of crimes.”
“Ones that you can prove?” I question.
His smirk is quick, nothing more than an angry flash. “This interview is just to clear up a few formalities in your statement.”
“So you have read my statement.”
“It was three lines, so using the word statement is a stretch. What were you doing before Holic Cerny allegedly attacked you?”
“I have nothing to say.” I could have given him a million things. Eating, resting, watching tv. But now I didn’t want to cooperate.
“Mr Cerny, was a highly trained m
ember of the Czech gang run by a Mr. Novak who is in this country. Do you know anything about Mr. Novak?”
“I have nothing to say.”
He smirks again, that quick one that tells me he’s getting irritated.
“To think a highly skilled man only managed to stab you in the side, it seems so unprofessional. He doesn’t seem like a man who was inaccurate with knives.”
I just stare at Philps.
“And to think he was stabbed not once,” His fist hits the table. “Not twice.” Again it slams down, but I don’t look away or flinch. “But four times.”
Now he starts to laugh. “And to think you still haven’t been arrested. That you are walking around like you did nothing.”
I speak very calmly and slowly. “I told Gardai Brady that I acted in self-defense.”
His fist hits the table again. “Is he another one you have bought?” He’s out of his seat, leaning across the table.
“This is harassment of my client.” Peter speaks up as the door opens.
“Philips.” The man that speaks from the door I don’t recognize. He doesn’t look at me. Philips looks at him from over his shoulder and he pushes away from the table, and leaves the room with the other man.
I’m left with Gardai Weldon. “Who was that?” I ask him. He points at the door and I nod.
“He’s the head of our department. Mike Gordon.”
I nod.
“Does he outrank Philips?”
“Yes.” Weldon looks nervous now.
“I would like for you to arrange a meeting with me and Mike Gordon, I would like to discuss the harassment I’ve been receiving from certain members of the Gardaí Siochana.”
“I can do that.”
Weldon sits there looking from me to Peter.
“Now please.”
He stands up but pauses before leaving. “You know, this won’t stop Philips.”
We will see about that.
I don’t respond and he leaves.
“You need to start listening to me, Liam. When I say don’t speak…”
I cut him off. “When you say don’t speak I will consider your advice. I may not take it, Peter.”
I turn to him now and he nods in understanding of what I am saying.
