They still didn’t know if she was in there, but Lina could tell Odge was feeling optimistic again. Everyone looked up and stared at them as they walked in.
Odge inspected each table, leaning down and staring closely at each person’s face. None of them seemed the slightest bit concerned that they were bald, apart from the cat that was staring wide-eyed at its reflection in the window.
Lina followed behind Odge, holding on tightly to the straps of her backpack and twisting them nervously. If Balding Maureen wasn’t in there, all hope would be lost.
An old woman at the back caught her attention – she was small with normal facial features and a perfectly rounded bald head. She was unremarkable in every way. Just an ordinary human, except for one thing – her eyes were mismatched. One was green, and one was brown.
‘Odge?’ her aunt said in disbelief.
‘Long story,’ Odge said. ‘What kind of food do they serve here? We’re starving.’
Lina inhaled a piece of buttery toast while Odge quickly told her aunt about everything.
The cafe was warm and dimly lit. Little lanterns hung on strings next to dusty Christmas baubles that someone had forgotten to take down. It was quiet, save for the occasional clink of spoons and the murmur of non-magical conversations. Lina leaned back in her chair and sighed. The cafe felt like a cocoon, and Aunt Maureen was the glorious bald butterfly buried inside it.
‘And then,’ Odge said, ‘we got Mrs Smith’s handbag.’
Lina shoved the last bit of toast in her mouth and slid the bag across the table.
‘I think it’s going to have what we need,’ Odge said excitedly.
Lina shook her head. ‘No – you’re what we need, Aunt Maureen.’
Aunt Maureen looked from it to Lina and smiled, a naughty glint in her eye. ‘Well, we should at least open it.’
Odge pounded the table with her fist. ‘This is why you’re my favourite aunt!’
Odge clicked the clasp and pulled the bag open dramatically.
Almost instantly, everyone in the cafe got up and charged out of the door, including the bald cat.
A putrid purple cloud hung over them.
‘Ah,’ Odge said, ‘that’s the unmistakable stench of Gutsface make-up.’
Lina felt as if she were going to faint.
Odge rifled around in the bag, pulling out a little lipstick, which she handed to Lina. It was just a normal lipstick when popped open, only it had a slight curve to navigate the long noses of the harpies.
‘Just horrible harpy make-up in here,’ Odge said. ‘And a picture of an ogre called Jonathan Whiplet-Warren-Turnip, whose house she stole.’
‘We need you to help us defeat Mrs Smith,’ Lina urged, steering the conversation back to their current crisis, ‘by balding her so we can catch and overthrow her before the gump closes!’
Aunt Maureen turned to Odge. ‘You should definitely put Lina on a flight home. She should not be coming back to Mist – many a person has been locked inside or locked out by a gump because of bad timing. You can’t predict what will happen!’
Odge turned to Lina and rolled her eyes. ‘Grown-ups.’
‘I won’t go anywhere from here apart from back through the gump,’ Lina insisted. ‘I’m not leaving until I know my friends on Mist are all right.’
Aunt Maureen took a sip of her tea, her eyes searching Lina’s face. ‘And you say you need me to bald them?’
Odge and Lina nodded enthusiastically.
‘Well, I suppose that can be arranged,’ she said. ‘I haven’t visited the Island in a long time.’
‘Why do you live in the human world?’ Lina asked.
Aunt Maureen shrugged. ‘I’ve always rather liked it. And I look human, so it’s easy to move around undetected. Most hags aren’t so lucky.’
‘Most hags are beautiful,’ Odge said wistfully.
‘And, really, this world is as varied as Mist in certain parts. There’s nowhere better than London for it, in my opinion.’
Lina did love the cafe – before the Gutsface incident, she’d heard at least four different languages being spoken. Outside, across the street, a Spanish deli dished out tortillas and tapas. And, a little further along the road, a Japanese restaurant boasted a queue of humans so long and wriggling with excitement that it looked like the restaurant had grown a tail.
Lina agreed – London was magical in its own way, with so many different languages and cultures and cuisines. It was like soaking in all the flavours of the world, all while sitting in the same spot. Vienna was similar – there were amazing friends to meet. What a luxury, she thought, to see so much so easily. She shuddered at the thought of the harpies and how they could tear the magic of a place like London to pieces, like they were doing with Mist.
Odge chewed loudly on the final slice of toast. ‘Mist has saved many people in its lifetime – it has always been a place of refuge, a place of safety, a place of magic. And I will never let the harpies change that.’
‘Well said, my dear,’ Aunt Maureen said. ‘It is our job to make sure as many people feel welcome on Mist as possible, because that is what makes the Island a special place. The problem with creatures like Mrs Smith is they never have, and never will, understand what real magic is.’
Odge gulped down the last bit of toast. ‘That’s why the world needs hags and humans like us.’
Lina unzipped her bag to check on Ray. She noticed he was plumper in the human world, and his eyes were less pained. ‘Time to go back to Mist,’ she murmured, and she was sure he let out a little whimper. ‘The harpies will be gone soon,’ she whispered to him. ‘I promise.’
‘Let’s go,’ Odge said, standing up and flinging Mrs Smith’s handbag across the room. It hit the coffee machine and dropped into a bin.
‘I’m game,’ her aunt said. ‘And I’d like to see that sister of mine while I’m there, after the balding. How is your old mother doing? Still the wartiest?’
Odge’s eyes flashed with delight. ‘No! Netty Pruddle out-warted her!’
Aunt Maureen faux gasped. ‘She’ll hate that.’
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
THE SCHOOL
There was a stop they needed to make before returning to platform thirteen and, luckily, it was close by.
St Trilton’s School was a squat building nestled between a concrete playground and a concrete car park.
Two hags and a human with a mistmaker hidden in a backpack made their way to the front desks.
‘Would it be rude if I held my nose?’ Aunt Maureen whispered.
The air in the school was impossibly thick and filled with the smell of school dinners. It was so potent that it seemed as though there should be school dinners smeared on every wall, chair and child – the fact the smell came only from the kitchen was quite baffling to Odge.
Lina, on the other hand, was quite used to the smell, though she also found it somewhat overpowering.
‘Name?’ the receptionist asked.
‘The King and Queen of Mist, please,’ Odge said, forgetting where she was for a second and assuming the woman meant the name of who they were there to visit.
‘The … pardon?’
‘We’re here to see the lady who deep-fat-fries things and the man who washes the dishes,’ Lina said.
‘Oh, Sue and Sam,’ the receptionist said. ‘You’re … relatives?’
‘Obviously not; they’re entirely human,’ Odge said, still forgetting where she was.
The receptionist raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. She handed the three of them lanyards to wear round their necks. They had VISITOR stamped on them and also smelled of school dinners.
‘Down the hall, third right.’
Arriving at a school when an assembly is about to begin and the speaker is running late can cause all sorts of confusion.
‘Oh good – you’re here,’ a frazzled teacher said as she caught up with them in the corridor. She ushered a reluctant Odge, Lina and Aunt Maureen into the big hall. ‘It’s
right this way.’
The teacher had particularly magnificent curly hair, and Lina could see Aunt Maureen eyeballing it.
Odge obviously noticed too because she turned to her aunt and said sternly, ‘No balding.’
The crowd of kids sitting neatly with their legs crossed fell silent as the three of them entered the room. Lina tried to turn back, realizing what was happening, but the teacher pushed her on.
‘Today, children, we have a very special guest and her … friends?’ She looked to Odge for an answer.
‘She’s my friend,’ Odge said, pointing at Lina. ‘This is my aunt.’
‘This is Harriet Rusterfeld, and her friend and aunt, and they have come here today to tell you about what it’s like to work as a dentist.’
Lina put her head in her hands.
Odge stepped up on to the stage. A kid scowled at her squelchy seventeenth-century boots.
‘Sorry about the boots,’ she whispered. ‘I had really good ones, and then I had to trade them so some pearly mermaids would go on a sniffer expedition to find my aunt.’ She gestured to Aunt Maureen. ‘Found her, though, so it was worth it.’
The kids stared up at her. So did the teachers gathered at the back.
Odge smiled at the room. ‘Well … being a dentist, was it? It’s very … dentisty …’
Lina shook her head and began pointing at her mouth.
‘It’s to do with FACES!’ Odge cried, as if she were playing charades.
Lina opened her mouth and pointed inside.
‘And the inside of mouths? Yeulch.’
The kids giggled nervously.
Lina titled her head back, and Aunt Maureen pretended to drill into her teeth.
Odge scrunched up her face. Of all the topics it could have been, dentistry was one of the worst. On Mist, everyone fixed teeth problems with the help of a witch, and they were called Teeth Fixers – or, more officially, the Maggot Teeth Twelve, which didn’t sound like ‘dentist’ at all.
‘My job as a dentist is to waggle my finger in someone’s mouth and –’
Aunt Maureen did a pulling-teeth motion. ‘And dance badly, using only my upper body?’ The kids erupted into hysterical laughter, apparently thinking she was joking. It must have been a nice surprise for them – a funny dentist.
‘It’s a human job – think the Maggot Teeth Twelve,’ Odge’s aunt whispered.
‘Ah!’ Odge cried, a finger raised in the air. ‘You learn something new every day!’
She cleared her throat, and the kids fell silent.
‘I can tell you exactly about my job. I am a dentist, and what dentists do is, when you have a hole in your tooth, or perhaps if one has fallen out completely, we rub a gunk on it and see if it grows back. Sometimes you can pay extra and get an entirely new tooth that’s been donated to the Corporation of Tooth Fair—’ She stopped, not wanting to say fairies in case that blew her cover.
Lina slapped her hand to her head.
‘Fair … headed dentists,’ Odge finished.
The school teachers were looking at her as if she were mad.
‘And that’s all there is to it,’ Odge said, clasping her hands together and bowing. ‘Oh! And I have a blue molar … see!’
The kids began clawing their way to the front to get a better view, tumbling over each other like potatoes rolling out of a bag.
‘It’s Odge Gribble!’ came a cry from the back.
Lina looked up to see a woman with deep-fat-fried hair and a man covered in bubbles.
Odge’s jaw hit the floor. ‘Your Royal Highnesses,’ she whispered, bowing grandly.
Aunt Maureen did the same.
‘And that,’ Lina cried, ‘is the end of our show! Comedy with Dentists will be touring the country starting from tomorrow. I hope you enjoyed the preview!’
‘What on earth is going on?’ a teacher hissed. ‘Sarah, I said a dentist, not a comedy dentist show.’
The teacher called Sarah turned beetroot-red, trying to gather the words to explain herself, but she was interrupted by the kids, who got to their feet and clapped loudly.
‘Thank you, miss!’ they called in unison over to the teacher called Sarah.
‘That was much better than we expected!’ squeaked a particularly delighted-looking girl at the front.
Lina, Odge and Aunt Maureen took their chance and ran off to get the King and Queen.
‘Pack up your deep-fat fryer and your soap,’ Odge said with a curtsy. ‘This is a rescue mission!’
Lina smiled. ‘We’re taking you back to Mist.’
CHAPTER NINETEEN
THE BALDING
Mrs Smith had assigned Miss Witherspoon and Miss Brown the important mission of guarding the gump at platform thirteen. If Odge and Lina were going to attempt to return, she was going to make sure there was someone there to stop them. She’d fired the harpy who had been guarding the gump tunnel before, furious that she had let them through in the first place. Of course, that harpy was positive she hadn’t seen them – but, then again, she hadn’t looked inside the trolls’ beards. The old harpy was sent to help shout at the hags doing the troll mansion renovations, and Miss Witherspoon and Miss Brown took her place. Miss Brown guarded the entrance to the gump, and Miss Witherspoon lay in wait in the tunnel.
Ernie Hobbs gobbled down three tuna baguettes while Miss Brown looked up at him, completely disgusted. He deliberately let out a loud belch because he knew she’d hate it.
Luckily, Lina spotted Miss Brown before they got too close.
‘There she is, the harpy – she’s waiting for us.’
‘She looks distracted by Ernie Hobbs’s baguette eating,’ Odge whispered, ducking behind some suitcases. ‘We just need to get close enough to bald her. The royals will stay here – Aunt Maureen, Lina and I will go, and we’ll let you know when the coast is clear.’
The royal pair stood smiling at passing humans who swerved to avoid them. It must have been a strange sight, seeing a man soaked from head to toe and a woman with deep-fried hair standing in the middle of King’s Cross station on a normal afternoon.
Odge led the way, weaving and ducking behind people until they got close to platform thirteen. Lina could feel Ray shifting uneasily in her backpack.
‘It’ll be all right,’ Lina whispered, reaching a hand back and patting her bag. That seemed to settle him.
Mrs Partridge was the first to spot them, her mouth falling open slightly as she did. ‘I just need to … check on some coats,’ she mumbled to herself before flying off fast to where they were hiding behind a billboard.
‘I’m so sorry, girls,’ Mrs Partridge said, her eyes close to tears. ‘Ernie sent the harpies to Borough Market to distract them – we had no idea you were headed there too.’
Lina had a sudden flash of inspiration. ‘Wait – they think Ernie was being honest with them, but really he couldn’t have known we were going there. But they don’t know that?’
‘No,’ Mrs Partridge said with a sigh. ‘They think he’s on their side.’ She looked over angrily at Miss Brown. ‘They’re waiting for you.’
‘They?’ Odge said. ‘All four of them?’
Mrs Partridge shook her near-invisible head, making some of her grey curls fall loose and dangle over Lina’s face. ‘Miss Brown is guarding the entrance; Miss Witherspoon is in the tunnel. The other two have already headed back to the mountains. They’re planning a big party to celebrate the closing of the gump.’
‘Well, this is perfect,’ Odge said. ‘We can pick them off more easily when they’re split up.’
‘Odge,’ Mrs Partridge said, sounding aghast. ‘You must not attempt anything silly. You’re just a young girl, and we don’t need any more ghosts around here – at the rate Ernie’s going, we wouldn’t even have food to feed you.’
Lina and the others looked over to see him devouring a floating cluster of chips. Miss Brown had her eyes fixed on him, her mouth ajar in disgusted admiration.
Mrs Partridge spotted the King and Quee
n. ‘The royals!’ she spluttered. ‘What … what are they doing here?’
‘We collected them,’ Lina explained. ‘We couldn’t leave them and have the gump close. Ben wouldn’t see them for nine whole years. We’re bringing them home.’
‘How close do you need to be to bald her?’ Odge asked her aunt.
‘Close,’ she said. ‘Within touching distance.’
Lina took off the coat she’d been wearing since they had grabbed it from the harpies in Borough Market. ‘Wear this. She’ll wonder how you got it, and you can get close while she questions you, and then we’ll run up behind you and grab her once she’s bald!’
Odge nodded, clearly impressed. ‘There’s a problem, though. What if she recognizes you as a Gribble – she may attack. You are related to me after all.’
Lina looked over at Ernie Hobbs. ‘But the harpies now trust Ernie … Mrs Partridge, do you think you can get a message to him without Miss Brown hearing you?’
Aunt Maureen approached slowly, crouched, with her hands in the air. It would’ve been a funny sight had the humans noticed, but they were distracted by the royal couple, and many had stopped to take pictures of them, believing it to be some kind of eccentric performance piece.
It didn’t take long for Miss Brown to spot Aunt Maureen.
‘STOP!’ she screeched.
Aunt Maureen froze on the spot.
‘WHO ARE YOU?’ Miss Brown demanded, squinting hard. ‘THAT’S OUR STOLEN COAT.’
Aunt Maureen didn’t say a word.
‘Wait for it …’ Odge whispered excitedly.
‘I KNOW THAT FACE,’ Miss Brown spat. ‘IT’S A GRIBBLE.’
‘She’s on our side,’ Ernie Hobbs said in a flat voice, as if he were reading from a piece of paper. ‘She hates Odge Gribble as much as the rest of us!’
‘Impossible,’ Miss Brown said as she clawed her way closer. ‘Gribbles are never to be trusted. Now, which one are you?’
Lina peeked up from behind the pile of suitcases shielding her, her legs shaking.
‘She’s the Gribble who gave away Odge’s hiding place in Borough Market,’ Ernie Hobbs said. ‘That’s how I knew.’
Beyond Platform 13 Page 10
