After tossing and turning I finally fell into a sleep that was far from restful. I opened my eyes in what seemed like thirty minutes later from a dreamless sleep. It was still dark out and there was no clock for me to check the time. A year had passed since my mom had shared the secret of who I really was. So much had changed; so much had stayed the same. Amara and I remained the only Mothers to be found. The search for our parents and my mom’s family proved just as challenging. Emily visited some, but she still looked for Fredrick and Sveva.
Like so many other mornings I sat on my bed and missed my angel. I could be called a lot of things; a quitter was never going to be one of them. I was never going to accept Lucius words but I had been able to master fake indifference towards him when we were together.
In the weeks after our arrival my mood became dark and I was withdrawn. I’d spend most of my time in my room. When I did come out I hardly spoke. Mom and Lucius were like a trick coin, the same on both sides. They both wanted the same thing, but for two very different reasons. In the end, it had been my mom that changed my attitude. I remembered the weekend like it was yesterday. I’d been in my room for the entire weekend; my mom came in to remind me that having such a great responsibility also meant I would have to make sacrifices too.
“The circumstance of your existence will rule your life. There will come a time that the weight of the world will rest solely on your shoulders.”
I sat next to her dry eyed, waiting for her to leave. The last thing I wanted was a lecture.
“I don’t understand why it would deny me love.”
I regretted the words as soon as they were out of my mouth. Of course I was loved. Her mother loved me; both of them; my birth and guardian mothers. A whole world of people loved me according to everything I’d been told in the last year. But there were moments when I felt utterly alone.
“I’m sorry that you hurt Wila.”
I’d sat for hours thinking. I’d listened to the prophecy but not heard it. That night I realized just what it meant. But understanding brought me no comfort. The next morning, I saw the world differently. By month’s end I was as regal as I had always thought my mother to be.
There were changes in Lucius too. The human behaviors that he’d adopted since his banishment disappeared. Sariel had come with a group of angels that would stay. I didn’t know if it was the increase in angelic presence that changed him or if he wanted to show them he was still one of them. Either way, there were no more mix signals. The stoic expression on his face was identical to the others that now patrolled and guarded us. He still escorted me everywhere and touched me. He’d placed his hand on the small of my back, on my upper arm or occasionally took my elbow. His touch was like fire on my skin.
There were times when I thought the façade would come crashing down around me. The pull that always started somewhere in the middle of me would spread to my limbs. Plenty of nights I lay in bed keeping the tears at bay by pure force of will. But I endured. I’d lie perfectly still and remember my mother’s words. With great responsibility came great sacrifice. My mistake tonight was that I moved.
I knew Lucius wouldn’t be asleep. I hadn’t seen him sleep since we met. No longer able to fight the urge to be near him I decided to find him. I dressed quickly and gently opened the door to my room, nervous about sneaking out of the house. I’d never done anything like it before but I was determined to see it through. Besides, I wasn’t the same person; I had no intentions on professing love. I just wanted to see Lucius.
I made it down the hall, stopping every time I thought I heard something. After an imaginary self- congratulatory pat on the back for making it to the front door unnoticed, I opened the door and almost screamed. Lucius was standing right outside the door. I should have known.
“Do you ever sleep?” I asked after I could form words around my labored breathing.
“Of course I do. I just don’t require much.”
Closing the door at a rate of one centimeter per minute I turned to the person I’d come in search of. Over the last year, one of the things that made the new me possible was we were never alone. I don’t know if it was a decision we’d made independently or if my mom had something to do with it. But it worked. Standing on the darken doorstep of my house suddenly seemed liked playing with fire. Since my skin already felt inflamed I rolled with it.
“I came to see if you would like to go for a walk?”
“I don’t think Ruth would approve.” Lucius said but moved to let me pass him.
“No. I suspect you’re right about that. But at least I’ll be safe.”
Expecting him to take my elbow or put his hand on my back, I was shocked when he took my hand, placing it in the crook of his arm. We walked out of the yard at a nice leisurely pace, like it was a Sunday afternoon and not in the middle of the night. The houses were all dark. The street lamps lit the way on our midnight stroll.
“Remember when we first arrived?” I asked, breaking the comfortable silence. I laughed thinking of Amara bossing Lucius around, taking over one of his bedrooms and turning it into a closet.
“Amara?” Lucius said, reading my mind.
The cool breeze made me wish for a jacket, but wasn’t so cold that I wanted to turn around.
“I have to say, you are handling all this very well Wila, you’ve gone through a lot in the last year.”
“I was just thinking about that tonight, before I came out to find you.”
I didn’t elaborate. I was glad I’d decided to go to him when it was so torturous to be away. I was surprised how relaxed I was. I was aware of the hand that was placed lightly on top of mine and for the first time, it didn’t feel like the world conspired against me and I was destined to live my life alone. I breathed a sigh of relief at the absence of the crazed hormonal teenage emotions that had gripped me when I first met him. There was still something there, but I had grown up. Now we were two friends just taking a walk. It was nice.
“Happy Birthday Wila,” Lucius said in a low voice.
I would have missed it if it hadn’t been in the middle of the night and all was quiet. I smiled at him as he looked at me. I was surprised that he knew.
“Thank you.” I said and squeezed his arm a little as we continued our walk.
We came to the end of the street and turned into a park. We didn’t speak, just enjoyed each other’s company. I gathered the courage to actually touch Lucius’s face. Something I wanted to do since I first laid eyes on him. When I raised my hand he caught it. There was a second when I panicked; Lucius had found peace in the new me. The look in his eyes stopped the apology that was forming on her lips. He slowly raised my hand to his lips and kissed it, first the inside of my wrist and then my palm before bringing it to his face and resting it on his cheek. Lucius closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. I felt like he had waited to receive this touch for as long as I had wanted to give it.
“I love you Wila.”
The whispered words were so unexpected that I jerked my hand back. The feelings that I had for him hadn’t changed but I had. I understood responsibility, I understood purpose. What I didn’t understand was why now. Now, that I had finally gotten to a point where I could tolerate his touch without falling to pieces. He opened his eyes and met my perplexed and confused ones. Lucius leaned over and kissed my forehead. It was such a sweet gentle show of affection, with his lips still resting on my forehead I knew we had been made to love each other.
“How is this possible?” Lucius said in a low voice. He pulled me into his arms and put his chin on the top of my head, “I traveled the world several times over looking for you, lived lifetimes with the thought of you in my heart.”
I stayed silent in his arms. I didn’t care about the why or the how. I’d thought I was alone in my fight. His declaration of love freed me. I could have sat there a thousand years happy in his arms.
“I’ve never known a love like this. I knew the first time I saw in you the store. I could feel it then and whe
n I touched you…”
“It was the same for me. I didn’t want to leave you and now when I’m away from you I feel like I’m not whole, a little hollow.”
“To be away from you physically pains me,” he said. I knew he was fishing. He wondered if it was the same for me. I nodded and I felt his body tensed.
“You are the Queen Mother and here you are being protected by someone who can’t protect you. The thought of someone hurting you haunts me.”
I pulled away to look at him. I’d worried about him too. I hadn’t forgotten what Sariel said that day at Emily’s. Lucius would choose death to protect me. The thought had been unsettling then and now I was filled with a new kind of terror.
“What can I do?” I asked.
“It would be better if we could be in the same house.” Lucius said.
We both were silent, thinking of how my mom was going to take Lucius moving into the house with us. My mother’s attitude had improved tremendously but why wouldn’t it? I hadn’t pined over Lucius in months.
When we approached the house we could see that someone was up. We had been away for a while but it was three in the morning, still too early for anyone to be up. I didn’t bother with a stealth reentry. Mom was sitting in an armchair and she looked dangerously calm. She never took her eyes from us as Lucius and I made our way to the couch. I sat on the end, between them, ready to extinguish the fire that was smoldering between my love and my mother.
“I would like to move in Ruth.”
Even ready to stand firm when I had the chance to speak to her about the new living arrangements, I was shocked by his straight forward approach.
“Is that a fact Lucius?” My mom’s reply was calm and the fact that she had not said yes or no right away made me nervous.
“Wila’s safety is of the utmost importance. As I am Wila’s guardian it only makes sense that I am in a place to protect her. I cannot do this from a house away and I love her.”
The last part made me laugh out loud. This was going from bad to worst and fast. I watched entranced, unable to speak.
“Do you now?” Her words were slow, as if she was pondering their meaning.
“Yes and she loves me as well.”
I thought the words would make my mom hit the roof. I did love him but everything was suddenly moving very fast.
“And so your answer to this is for me to let you move in?”
“No, I think I’ve adequately argued why I should be here. The last part is simply fact. It has no bearing on the first part. I simply wanted to be honest with you as one of her guardians.”
Through gritted teeth Mom tried and failed to control her anger. “Make no mistake; I am Wila’s only guardian. I may not be an angel but I am more than capable of keeping her safe. I have for the last seventeen years.”
Mom stood up, and I while an ordinary person would have found her six foot frame intimidating, Lucius did not. He raised his head from his seated position and continued to look at her as if she was standing to wish him a good night.
“I will take Amara and Wila away if I have to. We were all doing perfectly fine before you found us. For all I know your presence alone is putting us in more danger. Azriel knows you. He doesn’t know me.” She was almost yelling as she towered above a seated Lucius. He still looked as calm as ever, which probably fueled her anger.
“I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t let you take Amara,” I finally spoke. My mom looked at me in shocked disbelief. I could see the hurt in her eyes. My mother, who had given up everyone she knew and loved for me.
“I have always done what you asked with no questions. You have given up everything to make sure I was safe. You kept your word to my birth mother and honored her in every way imaginable. But I am tired of running.”
I sat there between my two loves with my voice strong and true, surprised that this strength came from me alone. I stood to face my mother.
“No one can take away what you’ve done. I trust you completely but I trust Lucius too. Do you think it will be as easy as you packing me up and leaving? He will follow me and I will always fight to be by his side.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said dismissing my words. She walked around the couch to leave the room.
Lucius stood up but I silenced him by putting my hand on his chest. “The decision has been made.” I called out after my mom.
“Yes? And who made the decision?” She asked as she turned back to face me.
The look in her eyes would have scared me a year earlier but I was no longer the girl that had been brought to the small town a year before. I was never going to be that person again.
“I did.”
She turned without saying another word and went to her room. Lucius took my hand and we sat back on the couch. I let out a slow shaky breath as he took me in his arms. Still feeling brave from taking on the wrath of my mom and winning I climbed into his lap. I’d expected him to protest but he didn’t. He cradled me in his arms as I dozed off listening to his heartbeat.
I woke up surprised that I was in my bed. I was fully dressed and a blanket covered me. Sitting on the edge of my bed I thought about last night. Lucius loved me. I hugged myself thinking about it. Then I remembered the argument with my mom. I opened the door and almost ran into Lucius. My heart started to beat faster at the sight of him. The frown from worry I had smoothed. I smiled. Nothing was as bad as it seemed with him by my side. There was no way this was wrong or false. My mom would have to see that… right?
The familiar, comforting smells of breakfast greeted us: coffee, pancakes, eggs and bacon. Amara was in the kitchen eating and she had company. Sarah was there. I walked into the room, headed for the pitcher of orange juice on the counter and Amara smiled at me around a mouth full of food.
“Good morning Sarah. You didn’t have to do all this.” I said.
“I don’t mind. It’s nice cooking for more than just one person.”
“Well thank you for doing it.” I said passing the plate I’d made to Lucius. “Eat” I instructed.
I couldn’t do anything about him sleeping but he’d eat. Lucius took the plate from my hand and sat at the island. I made a second plate and sat at the table in front of Amara.
“So, Ruth’s pretty mad at you,” she said wasting no time. I would have been surprised if she had not known. Mom had been pretty loud last night.
“I know.”
I was worried about her. She’d never gone anywhere and not told me where she was going. I was about to ask Amara if she had maybe told her where she had gone when she came in. She looked in the kitchen and walked past us without speaking. Lucius got up and stopped long enough to put a reassuring hand on my shoulder before following her.
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