Chapter 4
People who drop valuables in the toilet
I heard a man dropped 500 dollars in cash and equipment down Old Flushy. That’s right, down the drain where the water runs foul there’s 500 dollars in cash and electronic equipment. It’s sitting there for anyone who wants to dive in after it (although it’s probably disintegrated by now) The poor fool had to decide whether or not to be a man and use his hand (according to the old saying). Essentially he decided to let it go and be a better man for his loss. He made the right choice, but is still a fool for losing the stuff in the first place. I mean, how do you do something like that. Did he have it in his hands then go, “oops”? Or did it fall out of his pockets and hop in the water? Anyways, some people were less
lucky.
However, a girl, who was a friend of my friend Dave was not so lucky. She
did the same thing and reached in to get them. Poor her. It turned out that the stuff she
made the great sacrifice to reach in for was electrically fried from the water. It was a total waste. Whoa, now your thinking, “gross I would sadly let it go”. Again this is what our society has degenerated to. I agree she should have, but she was a “genius” quote unquote. This person wasted their effort grabbing stuff to get well….stuff. Aren’t you glad I have spies to tell me about things like this? As she realized she grabbed her electronics and they were ruined she shouted “Fools!” loudly enough to wake the dead, or at least some students who were sleeping in class. It really was a waste too since she was quite lovely as Dave tells it. Oh well at that point I start making fun of Dave for having a crush on a girl who is obviously a research subject, and a fool. Which is funny since I have seen some pretty smart engineering students, in fact some are my new friends here in Alabama. I don’t think they did such things. I guess she cheated her way through. So to her ,we present the moron award (insert singing and lyrics here). Ha ha so then I go home and Dave tells me that another person did something stupid and it turns out it was the same person who reached in, they were having really bad luck that day. I accused Dave of doing the same thing but he claims (yeah right) that all he dropped is toilet paper. Sure dude we believe you. I kept after him about it and he admits to dropping his house key once but more about that later. It’ll be a side splitter though I promise. O.k. o.k. these two gay guys bug him but that’s all for now. Then some guy drops his car keys in a sewer at FAU. Now this guy is richer than the law should allow but got dang it he is a fool. He lost his keys to a Rolls Royce damn it. Now he tried to reach into the sewer because there was a grate through which he could see the keys but he over did it and fell in, he shouted “oh shit” as he tumbled down, bam! Piss and stuff land all over his five thousand dollar suit. It was horrible, I mean the guy walked out badly needing a bath and gallons of cologne.
He never smelled so bad in his life, I think, or looked so bad. He walked through the streets wearing all that when he got out. He got in his car and tried to cruise for chicks. He got some, but man they were ugly and were going to take whatever they could get. Apparently he was too and went riding around with muck all over his clothes and hair, and he got some on the girls. It was hilarious I actually got a picture of this brazen fool joyriding. His father saw him drive up and said oh no not again (I interviewed him after the sighting of his foolery.) His father was worse off than he was though, foolish wise, but that belongs in a separate book. His father didn’t even need to ask to realize the situation exactly.
So his son, whose name was Garreth Jackson, comes in to clean up as he realizes man I reek. So he tells the girls to wait there and they say, “Damn man, we need to wash up too after your stank ass got slop on us! We’ll come with you.” I was like “damn man why can’t I get girls to do that with me?” Oh wait, I can I said. However, I wouldn’t, well not like that anyways. He did it once before I guess. So he goes in the shower with the two girls and shouts, “Oh shit!” again because he forgot the condoms. So the fool says, “ahhh who cares.” and has sex with them anyways. He becomes a father at the age of 19 of course. His father is pissed but it’s ok because the guy has a job at his dad’s factory. He then drops out of college to take care of the children he has from 2 different women. So he finished college about a year after I did, although for him it took a little longer, 6 years he said. So I laughed at this and said well at least you’re not a complete waste of flesh. He responded by giving me more reasons to write about him in a book of fools. I leave and he winds up slipping on a banana peel cracking his head open on the sidewalk. I heard he checked out that night. I went to the funeral services and threw rotten tomatoes and other fruits at the casket because I figured it would be the way he wanted to be remembered.
He died the way he lived. Then there are certain people from Rochester, New York. Dave, in fact is from Rochester, New York. I have bothered him numerous times about being a quote unquote genius. He claims to be a true genius though. I’m not convinced of this I say. This place is home to the quote “genius” unquote as he says.
One man, a plumber went to a house call and got his arm stuck in a drain. He dropped a wrench in and couldn’t get himself out. He then shouted fucking fools! when he realized he was stuck. I almost died from hearing this. Needless to say he was fired as the fire department had to use the Jaws of Life to get him out. He was visibly upset, especially when the firefighter asked him, “where did you learn to plumb, in the sink?” I agree with that, I mean that is the only thing that makes sense there. The guys then cut the toilet out which really got him in trouble. The homeowner decided to sue the plumbing company, and won a million dollar lawsuit.
The company wanted to kill the idiot plumber, who I felt kind of sad for. He founded his own plumbing company out of his house, which was a disaster. His wife called him an idiot and went to visit her mother for a few weeks. He went to visit his father for a few to go fishing in the mountains. He left the business in Dave’s hands, who tried to give it to me, I was like I’m not touching this one, no way. No I am just kidding, the guy wouldn’t be that dumb, or would he… ha ha you’ll never know. One day he comes back and the business he started is run into the ground, literally. His house was ruined and man was he pissed off, he was also pissed on, by one of the plumbers he hired. The man had won the lottery so he decided to piss on the boss. He decided however to be the oddball that would keep his job. So when he did that the other guys he worked with all wanted to beat him down.
Of course he decided against going back to work and got himself a personal trainer so that he would not resemble a plumber anymore. He of course was too stupid to follow the instructor’s instructions. Ha ha, he’s that stupid. I would try to help the poor guy but I can’t. Dave might be able to, but he would lose his patience faster than me. Eventually it turns out that the trainer was able to get him to slightly less resemble a plumber. In fact, the plumber, well the former plumber was doing really good , but one day he slipped on one of his doughnuts, shouted “oh fudge” and had a squat bar fall on him and a guy who was bench pressing. Well if they weren’t both seriously injured I think the bench press guy would have tried to kill him. The plumber had 225 on the rack. The bench press guy had 315 on the rack. Dave saw what had happened and said oh *%$#@$! Call the cops! So they take the guys away in ambulances and the plumber decides to give up weight training. He does however, while he recovers, eat doughnuts all day everyday he was in traction it seemed. His leg was broken and he couldn’t go back to plumbing. He had a high school education, so what did he do? He became a cop. Somehow he managed to pass all his physical and mental requirements (he probably bribed the senior officers). So now he is probably riding around in NYC eating doughnuts and pretending he’s still a plumber. I heard he robbed a Drippy Dream shop in Rochester and got caught by actual robbers looking to make a name for themselves. Dave told me the guy got caught and they made him quit the force and be a part of their heists so he couldn’t squeal on them. I asked him how he knows this and he says he was d
oing research for this book long before I was.
Unfortunately it turns out this plumber/cop/crook wound up cutting his time in a criminal career short. He got carted away by the real police when he ended up shooting himself in the butt. Yeah he put his gun in his back pocket and sat down to eat pizza in the middle of a heist. Of course the gun went off and he ran around like an idiot. He confessed too which was a testament to his endless foolery. It wasn’t so much that he confessed to the robbery that makes him so much the fool, but what he did after robbing the bank and how he shot himself. So he then says to Dave, “I woke up and found out I’m going to
get shot hahaha.” Well someone should have shot him, he’s not just a fool, he is a menace
to the entire society. I heard from Dave that the guy got 20 years for the last heist he was in but got 3 life sentences overall.
Then, there was the guy on the track field. Many years ago, at least five, some guy, also from Rochester, ran around a track and at some point his pants, boxers, and all fell to the ground. He stopped running unaware he was naked and said, “Damn it suddenly got cold out here.” What a doofus. A lot of girls were watching him. I laughed when I heard this one. It was funny, but not a riot like the guy driving into a ditch and babbling boobs over and over again. He stopped running to pull his pants up, but it was too late, everyone had seen the goods, or the bads depending on how you looked at it. He was kind of chubby due to his love of anything fried, including donuts and pizza. One would ask why he was even out there in the first place. Well, his school made him do it, more or less. It was a graduation requirement at his high school. So he was running and he had on baggy jeans like prison guys wear. Man, those guys need belts. In my opinion, guys who wear that are idiots if they run while wearing them. So then the coach comes over to see what the hell happened and she does it too.
Now, she is a teacher who came right from college so all the guys are staring when she does it. They thankfully ignore the moron who was trying to run around the track. So the guy sees this and shouts donuts! This was because he spilled his donuts while running around the track. His eyes bugged out of his head though. He flipped out of course. He kept running though , so he could get his hands on the woman, or so he thought. What a fool, he tripped over his donuts and landed flat on his face. Dave ran by when the story took place and took what was left of the guy’s food and started eating it. He picked the guy up though so he could keep running. It was hilarious. The poor guy, I am sorry to say did not get to touch that sweet ass, but at least he made an A in P.E. from trying to run faster. Dave, however, did get to put his hands on her.
It became a huge scandal at the school he said. He also stopped eating donuts and pizza eventually and became a stupid jock. He was one of those guys who got better looking and lost the ability to conceptualize up and down. Nah he couldn’t be that bad, but he came to FAU with Dave so I got to see firsthand how bad it was. It was worse actually. So it turns out he got to go there on a football scholarship. The guy still said donuts when something unexpected happened like his pants falling down or him slipping in his junk food. How he got to be a football player I will never know. I am glad I took advice from a very wise person who advised me not to be a part of that. Football players are such fools I have heard, no wait that was basketball players. One of my sociology professors, Dr. Evans, stated that one of his students got a 12 on an exam. 12! I couldn’t conceptualize that kind of thing. What’s wrong with these people. Dave came in that day and said duh Joe these athletes are fools!
It’s true when you hang out with idiots you become one. All the athletes did was socialize with each other and talk about sports. They never cracked the books open for fear of looking like a nerd. It’s better to be a nerd than a fool. Doesn’t that scare them? It
would scare me. And football players, don’t get me started on them. College football
players, around one third are fathers. Fathers! They shouldn’t even consider that sort of thing until they are out of college. However, many of them have kids for some sort of welfare thing I heard. It’s absolutely mind boggling how stupid these people are. It gets worse, I’m sure, but I don’t have the evidence yet. But rest assured I will follow these idiots until I find something foolish that they’ve done. News flash, it turns out the guy who got 12 on the exam was a men’s basketball player for Florida Atlantic University. I laughed uncontrollably over that, and Dr. Evan’s asked me why I was laughing. I responded by saying got dang man it’s a 12. He asks again why that is funny. I say because these guys are fools!
Ahhh Rochester is always good for a laugh. I heard another man in Rochester, a firefighter, almost burned the firehouse down. He was branded a quote unquote genius. Dave had a hell of a time explaining that one to me. I was hysterical hearing it. I mean a fireman doing that? That would be like a cop who murdered other cops or blew up the station. Of course he was fired from his post, I mean this guy was like pointless to have there in the first place. Who does these things, and why do they do them? The
answers will be revealed … shortly. Dave goes to tell me the short answer, because
they’re idiots.
The truth behind it is that these people have no common sense. I mean the guy was found grilling steak in the firehouse and misused gasoline, the paper said. Who in their right mind uses equipment without knowing how to use it right? Far too many people if you ask me. As it was he set himself on fire too. What a fool. The next day he starts working as a construction worker. I see him working on something at FAU. My mind wanders to all the worst case scenarios that could occur. He does one, because he doesn’t know how to use the equipment. The poor guy, whose name is Harry Dickler, by the way, is a klutz. He wrecked some of the project he was working on, and nearly killed himself, the foreman and other workers.
How did he manage this? He rode on a jackhammer like an idiot and wound up spilling a bunch of oil all over the beams. It was hilarious and also scary, what if everyone were to turn out this way. It could happen, there ought to be a law that says people like this can’t have children. According to my partner in crime, Dave Chandra B.S., its genetic, stupidity is hereditary. Now for the fools who don’t know what that means, it means its passed on from parents to their children from birth. Again most of the college students didn’t know what he was talking about, so he tried to simplify it further. He drew a picture, but still some students had no idea what it was . He gave up, and in his disgust he said you fools are all going to end up like him! I shudder to think that he may be right. I hope he isn’t because I couldn’t live in a world like that. Of course the guy was fired and Dave gave up trying to educate the college students, because he says they’re all fools. So Dave shouts fools! And he walks away from the small group he was teaching. I feel sorry for Dave, he always tries to make the world a more educated place, and then these damn college fools get in the way of that. I’ m not just trying to be funny here the college students at FAU were fools when I was there and will be long after. They tend to be stupider than people who didn’t go to college and became fools. I heard the two guys who harassed Dave were from Rochester but that is another story. They may get their own book, Idiots Three. Again Dave himself was from Rochester which I gave him hell about, since some of our stories came from that same place.
Next there was a guy who managed to set himself on fire .He was doing a barbeque for his friends and accidentally spilled something that he mislabeled as booze on himself. He grabbed a match and lit the grill. It was actually lighter fluid and the flames leapt out at him. Of course like a fool he shouted gas! He ran around . To add to it he accidentally dropped the match in his trousers. He thus lit his own testicles on fire as well. Of course, this was priceless and shows stupidity at its height. He wound up in the ER. I then wound up eating most of the food at his party after seeing this. I was like well can’t let this good food go to waste. Dave and I had quite the party after that. It lasted till 4 am with beer (real beer not lighter fluid) flowing fr
eely. His friends toasted him but called him a total buffoon for lighting himself on fire. I finally passed out at 4 am, Dave passed out drunk as a skunk. Some people were still acting stupid but most had gone home or passed out as well.
Rochester is home to many quote unquote geniuses. One guy was reading a newspaper and had walked into the street, no big deal. However, he walks right into an open manhole. Of course, he shouts look out below, to the rats in the sewer. The rats, of course, vacate the area temporarily, but then a few bite him, ouch. He doesn’t die but he’s pretty badly injured. He broke his arm in 2 places and dislocated his leg. The paramedics were doing rock paper scissors to see who had to go down there this time. It was horrible because the guy stank so bad, and was hurting so much. He had been a playboy before the incident, but couldn’t get a date for a year following the incident. I wouldn’t be surprised. Who would want to be around that, the stench was bad enough but the buffoonery he made was much worse. I was slightly in shock to hear about what he did, but not as much as I used to. I was getting used to the stupidity of people.
Finally, in Boca a guy decided to go around walking the streets asking where his platoon was. This was when he walked out of his house wearing a diaper on his butt and a pacifier in his mouth. So the men in white coats came and took him to the funny farm, which is where he belonged. Dave couldn’t comprehend at first what he was seeing when they took the guy away. I couldn’t believe I was lucky enough to have seen such lunacy. I actually told him his platoon was in a bar called Tattletales, a gay bar. So because I love messing with the stupid (not the retarded, that’s just cruel) I gave him the directions for it when the men in white coats let him go. It should be noted that in fact, Dave had called the men in white coats to get him. He was like ohhohohohhho Joe this is front page news, so I gave him my cell phone to call the funny farm for pickup. So we then skip school to watch this and the cops come by telling me for the thousandth time I should be in school. I tell him look I am nearly graduating college and it’s my day off.
He didn’t believe me until I showed him my id. Apparently I’m a minor to them despite the fact I am (now) twenty-five years of age. So we go to the funny farm and laugh at the loons there, especially our favorite one, and sure enough he asks some guy in a Batman suit where his commanding officer is. I tell him I am his commanding officer and tell him to put on some pants (he was still wearing his diaper and pacifier) I also tell him to take the damn pacifier out. He doesn’t do it and I say damn it you’re a fool and leave him in his idiocy. He breaks out and follows us but Dave calls him an idiot and he walks away.
He comes back five minutes later claiming the Martians are coming to take him home. I try to find them but Dave says, “Come on Joe there are no Martians, he is just nuts.” So I tell the guy to go call the cops to tell them about this and they call for the men in white coats to pick the guy up. However, they refuse saying he’s too nuts to be in their hospitals. So the cops just laugh at him and let him loose in the streets. Now mind you, this is one of those college students that Dave tried to educate previously, but he smoked too much dope and became one. So the guy tried to drive away in a police cruiser. (He plays too much Driver, a video game for playstation) Unfortunately, someone put a bomb in that cruiser and it went sky high as did the college fool.
He crashed down to earth and said I ‘m ok and passed out. Me and Dave decided to have more fun with him, tying him up with ropes and chains then carting him off to a mental hospital/emergency room. We bust in wearing surgical masks and shouting doctor we have to operate. Then we tell him no were kidding, but it was funny. This was after he got patched up by the emergency room for his physical wounds. The doctor shouts damn college kids after we leave, and then he says fools! So we forgot that we left the guy in the E.R. Anyways, we leave the funny farm (Dave followed the men in white coats to the funny farm). We then throw a party because we have witnessed a great act of stupidity, by a man who was judged later to be legally insane. We then howl (laugh hysterically) all the way back to FAU for our final exams the next day and graduate.
Of course, I have the time of my life during all this as I showed up at my graduation drunker than ever. Dave showed up stewed to the gills, and obviously reeking of pot. We tried to score with the chicks and we did get buzzed drinking in celebration. We had our whole lives ahead of us unlike many of the college fools who Dave and I tried to make smarter. Also there were a lot of non-college educated fools who we tried to help, but they were lost causes. Fools! I love them.
Then there was a guy who wanted to buy stock in Mars real estate. I was like he wants to buy a house on Mars. So me and Dave pretend we are realtors and we sell him a mansion on Mars. Of course the guy gave us a fake check so we cancel his house on
Mars. He then decides to make a deal with the devil. I decide, Dave this is too good to pass up. We flip a coin to see who gets to pretend to be the devil. Dave wins, but he wasn’t
convincing me he was devilish enough so he lets me try. I convince him I really am Satan, so I go to the guy and say hey you as loud as I can. I’m the devil and I heard you want to make a deal with me. The guy nearly faints because he thinks he is in hell after smoking too many funny cigarettes. Dave knows what that means, he was smoking a few funny cigarettes on the bus a few times, or got on looking like he had. So the guy decides to sell his soul to me for a lot of money. I say here sign this contract which my lawyer will review and I’ll give you money. I ended up giving him a box of Monopoly money after he signed his soul to me. He later decided it wasn’t a fair trade and demanded his soul back. I however showed him the contract that Dave reviewed and it showed it was legal.
He complained about the fake money but it said in the contract that it would be fake money, this is exactly what he signed for. Well he didn’t like it but this is why you shouldn’t smoke and fly or drink and drive. You don’t know what you’ll do , this has been a public service announcement by one half of the idiocy police. Well he threatened to take me to court and indeed he tried, but they threw the case out, laughing at him. Well actually they just laughed at him and booted him out of the courthouse, telling him not to sign contracts while impaired.
He tried to sue me again while I was in full devil regalia. The court laughably took this up seriously and named a case Lucifer a.k.a the Devil vs. Jonathan Jones. They actually took his case seriously and said your deal with the devil is legally binding due to the contract Mr. Chandra (Dave) reviewed. The court ordered him to pay lawyer fees and determined the person’s soul now belonged to me and was free to do whatever I wished with it. I decided to try to sell it on eBay but no one would buy it after I said how I got it. So I kept it and later traded it for sex from a crack whore. He decided who cares if I am going to hell I might as well do it with style. I agreed but eventually gave it back to him, after all this was supposed to be a prank.
He tried to sell his soul to the devil again, but this time while sober. I then trick him again, then inform him his soul is now property of my dog Kringle, to which he is alarmed greatly. Now I didn’t think there was a guy who could top this but there was, a guy who claimed he Was God/ Jesus. He went around condemning people and trying to cast fire and brimstone. He tried to smite me and Dave , calling us sinners and heathens because I told him to go to hell. I told him if he’s God he could jump off a building and not hurt himself. So he jumped off the nearest one of course and broke his arm. I laughed at him and then called for the FAU medical team.
I told them to be careful and to send some men in white coats because this guy thinks he is God. They said he thinks he’s God, I said yes God as in the Christian God. He went on complaining about how he died to save sinners, which was funny since he was clearly doing all the things Jesus would never do. He was talking &%$#$!@ about the *&%$#!#@ Pharasees and the religious men of two thousand years ago, and how the people of today had nothing on them. He still talked a bunch of *%$!#@!!! about today’s people though, about how instead of worshipping h
im they do drugs and have sex. He was out of his mind. He was a basket case that was funny to watch. So then he tells Dave he’s going to hell for no particular reason. I think he just likes saying that. Dave tells him he is going to the nuthouse. Dave tells him also that he’s going to hell in a great and loud voice.
So the medics come and he insists on not taking medical treatment, because he says he’s God. So then the men in white coats come and he tells them they’re going to hell. I told him yeah but you’re going to the nut house. So Dave naturally wants to follow him and I , although I am tired from staying up all night for finals, agree to go. We then see he stopped claiming he was God/Jesus and claimed he was the squirrel from a music video. Ridiculously enough, he also claimed he was the hot dog that the massage guy calls for help from. Of course, I’m helpless with laughter after hearing that. It’s insanity at its best. So in December 2003 I am watching this guy claim he’s all these fake people/animals/food. They have him there to this day I am sure. So the day after I go to the nuthouse with Dave the guy still believes he’s the hot dog from the music video. It is quiet for a month, yeah a whole month goes by until someone does something dumb, or at least something I catch. The downtime was good to review and reflect the idiocy of the year gone by. I then say its been a good year (no relation to the tire store).
Then January 2004, New Years Day rolls around. Dave tells me suitcase guy is at it again. He wound up losing his wedding ring in the sink. That wasn’t all, he tried to get it out and wound up wrecking his bathroom. He pulled the pipe open to see if it was in there. It wasn’t, it had been rushed all the way down the drain. He is being flooded by this point and doesn’t think to shut off the water. So he continues to look , probably thinking, man I am an idiot, I mean I would be if I were him. So Dave continues telling me what he heard and I cannot stop laughing. It would be funnier if I could show you. However, it’s still great example of how stupid this guy is.
Then the plumber comes in and first tries to shut off the water. No luck there. So the guy literally has to swim around in the water. What is worse is the plumber is not much brighter than the homeowner, if any. He accidentally ends up breaking the toilet pipe. So then toilet water is flowing into the room. By then, the water is almost up to the guys chest. Of course, *&%$#@!! is flowing into the room and on them. They never find the ring of course because it went down the drain, but they keep searching. They almost drown, but the plumber finally shuts off the water, although unfortunately the plumber shows his butt to the homeowner by accident. The end of the story is that the plumber is fired and a cleanup crew has to take over the guy’s house for a bit. His wife beats on him for losing the ring and not getting it back. He has to buy her a lot of expensive gifts for her to forgive him. It sucks being a moron, thankfully, I do not have to deal with that, nor does Dave.
So then Dave happens to walk by him one day on the street and shout fool! I was embarrassed and said Dave cut it out. He had on his graduation suit too, which made it all the more funny to see this. The fool had on his plumber outfit though and said &%$#@ college students. I don’t know why he was mad at us. I mean we didn’t do anything except expose his idiocy. So Dave shouts back*&^%$#@!!! Plumbers, they’re all Fools! Dave ran like hell after that and caught the bus to school. The next day it happens again and the plumber looks like he’s going to deck Dave, but he just yells *%$#@ college students and Dave yells *&%$#@ plumbers.
Eventually they both just laugh their butts off because of the absurdity of the situation. In fact they became the best of friends. Dave however realized why he said *%$#@ plumbers soon after and got disgusted of him. So Dave returns back to Florida to watch the idiocy that happens here, but he claims nothing can compare with good old Rochester. Of course I repeatedly bother him about his living in Rochester, which always makes him laugh. He insists he is a real genius, but I ‘m not so sure sometimes, like the time he dropped his keys and the gay guys got to him. They really pissed him off.
Fools Page 5
