Finally, the last pervert to go in my book is an old man named Fred. He is about 75 years old (or young) he says. I last saw him trying to grab a gorgeous blonde woman’s boobs. She didn’t put up with that very well, but realized he’s old so he’s going to die soon anyways. I heard he died with those boobs in one hand, and a beer in the other. He was quite entertaining, but such a perverted old man. I mean he had to be with over a thousand women in his heyday. I heard some male college students bought him hookers once a month just to see the reaction from hookers when the old guy showed up. The hookers were understandably grossed out, until they see he’s got a lot of experience and money, and also Viagra. It is estimated he was with over 200 hookers, many of whom were prank calls by the college guys. He lived his final days like a rock star. I went to the old guy’s funeral and said well he’s chasing women in that great whorehouse in the sky, or the other place.
The other place is more likely, but I like to think God has a sense of humor and novelty. So the next day I find Fred’s granddaughter on Fred’s phone playing prank calls to NASA. She and a friend were leading a double life, good students who lived for the church lifestyle by the sight of others. However, when no one was watching, they listened to loud rock music, smoked all kinds of drugs, had sex with literally anyone with enough balls or desire to do so, and pranked certain places.
They called the Boca News and went live on the air pretending to be the mayor of Boca Raton. It was great. They totally believed her and she told them that the Hurricane Wilma was coming straight for Boca, which she didn’t know was true. People flipped out everywhere (people in groups are the stupidest of all) Then it happens, and people think she’s a psychic. I ,of course, know she’s just screwing around like she was screwing around in bed with me and her girlfriends haha. Well my next book is also going to be fools part two and also about how to get a date with any girl you want despite being ugly, loser like, out of shape, stupid, lazy, and broke. It is true you can, and it’ll be proven. I mean I can do it so anyone can. You can’t without the book so buy it haha. Nah, I will prove anyone can do it. In any case, she continues blasting loud rock music from her car drinking and driving (which is serious don’t do things like that or you’ll spill more than your beer, that by the way is a stupid slogan.)
She also smokes and flies every morning it seemed. So one day she smokes and flies to the point of winding up in the pool nearly drowning. Her roommates pull her out and have to decide to let her die or give her CPR (they were girls) Of course, Dave (lucky bastard) happens to be on the scene, and later on the air. He gives her CPR and she comes to and insists he give her the Heimlich too, while naked. I just say thank God I wasn’t there and I’m glad you had a good time Dave, who was rolling on the floor laughing.
Two guys cause a riot at KFC. Two guys walk into KFC and order some food. They are surrounded by people as it’s a busy day there. Well apparently they are lovers, and they were making out there. The people start puking on the floors, throwing food at the guys, spilling their drinks and saying oh my god. In their surprise, they wind up wrecking the place. All of the rioting people were given the idiot stamp by Dave. I just sat back and laughed, until I realized this was caused by prejudice which was alive in 2005 and still is today unfortunately. I then watched the riot and felt bad for the two men who were then run out of the restaurant. People started throwing chicken and biscuits at them, some mashed potatoes too. They tried to lock them in the stocks, but the town didn’t have them anymore.
They eventually became hooligans at FAU much in the way me and Dave had become hooligans at FAU. Haha just kidding me and Dave were hooligans in a much different way than these guys. They tried making this book, but instead became part of this book. A few weeks later these guys started harassing Dave! They wanted him to become …. gay! Well obviously Dave wasn’t having any of this. They asked him to be part of a 3 way. I laughed because he was just so embarrassed. The worst is Dave claimed these dudes tried to follow him home. It was awful. He says it’s not safe to eat anywhere so I’m gonna get my food and go to H-O-M-E and spelled it out for the illiterate.
He says for those of you who can’t read that’s home. Many of the college students tried, but could not follow his logic. The students tried again and again. Finally, he said damn it you guys, how did you get into college? He eventually shouted you guys are all FOOLS! The gay guys followed him there too. Dave claims he also dropped his key someplace. Uh oh this is bad. We used to pretend to be news people, and make fun of the hooligans for bothering Dave, and being a nuisance to other people. The news stories always ended badly for those guys. They deserved it since they were morons. I didn’t care that they were gay and neither did Dave. I mean no one here has hate for the gay, just the stupid. Actually I don’t hate the stupid they are just annoying in a few cases. Mostly they’re funny. Dave was usually just a guy off the street telling what he saw. Sometimes he was the reporter, but this was rare. Eventually ,the two guys realized Dave is not gay in the least, Dave actually had about 20 different girlfriends in his last year at FAU. Sure Dave, we believe you haha. Seriously, the two guys eventually broke up too, one started dating lots of girls, and married a gorgeous one. The other got his pants caught in a lawn mower and died, haha just kidding. He became a bartender in downtown Boca and frequented KFC. He put a sign up that said when not to go to KFC. Good for them. I say they both ended up happy, and leaving my friend alone. I should have called this chapter when not to go to KFC. Seriously I saw these two at it again prior to their happy ending.
The one who became a playboy was called Robert. The other was called Ernest. Well these two had one last adventure. They had sex in the KFC food. Oh what a mess they made. Fried chicken be damned, there was pieces of it all over the place. Another riot occurred, but this was a full on war against the two. Mashed potatoes were everywhere and corn was flung at them. The mayor was up in arms, and they were out of control. Of course, the Health Department had to close the place down and they were fired. Robert and Ernest worked at KFC it turned out, and they hated it, so they decided to make it more interesting. Of course, without jobs they soon lost their apartment and ended up as hobos. Bert became a drunk for a while and Ernie started doing weed. Eventually, the two realized they were fools.
So then they calm down and become normal guys, sort of. I forgot to mention that they find Dave’s key and follow him around. He noticed and thought Good God they’re stalking me again. So they go to his H-O-M-E and enter it. He says damn it a guy is not safe from these homos even at H-O-M-E. Again for the illiterate that’s HOME, haha. Most of the college students didn’t get that, so he spelled it again and pronounced it at the interview. Of course, when they broke in he said damn it guys, what do you idiots want. He almost kicked their asses at that point. I didn’t blame him, he says I don’t care that you’re gay fine be gay. Don’t break in and enter other people’s houses, of course he is shouting this, but who wouldn’t. I mean I would be pissed if 2 guys broke into my home, even if it was just to hang out, but these guys wanted sex from a guy who they knew was a lady lover. Dave orders them out and threatens to do serious damage to their faces if they don’t leave and never come back.
I thought damn Dave is pissed. But again these two idiots kept bugging him. So they leave and go bother me. I say don’t even try I have a girlfriend. I am going to get married to her. I do not cheat with men or women, so do not waste your breath. I then leave Dave’s place laughing because they’re such idiots. I didn’t have a girlfriend at the time, but they didn’t know that. The next day I find out that they were bugging Dave at school. Of course, I have had enough of their tomfoolery. I tell them that they need to stop bothering people. They aren’t too happy, and Dave warns me to get away from those guys or you’ll end up like being an idiot.
So I tell them to go to college so they can stop being idiots. Dave flips out and says damn it all (the last chapter is on that). Unfortunately, they end up being college students at FAU and they gradua
te with degrees in being fools, haha just kidding. Bert becomes an engineering major and gets a great construction job. Ernest decides to be a personal trainer and flunks out of college at first, but he eventually is given a second chance. Bert supports him, so he can get his grades up to a 2.0 and pass. In any case, they’re so focused on their own buffoonery that they stop bugging Dave.
So we celebrate by going to a strip club. Dave goes in and spends his father’s money on strippers. I see a guy blow a hundred bucks on drinks. Dave blew five thousand on strippers he said. I asked him where the hell he got five thousand just to screw around with. He claimed his father gave it to him for a birthday gift. This was amazing since he wasn’t due a birthday for three more months. He finally admits he robbed some drunk people who were having sex with each other on the stripping stage. They were two extremely hammered men who were having a bad night trying to pick up chicks. Hey things were looking blue for me and Dave, but we just kept trying.
Dave left with a girl who was throwing money at the stage and stuffing it into the stripper’s panties. She sang I’m in love with a stripper. She had purple hair and liked Dave’s Apu impresssion. Her name was Anya she was about 5’5 weight 115. I left with a girl who had gothic red hair. Her name was Lisa, and she was loving the fact I was writing this book. She came with Anya and left with me and Dave. Dave was like hahahahahaha Joe, we’re gonna score when the girls were right next to us.
Of course he almost loses us the girls, but I wind up saving our chances. I tell them he meant in the book, we were going to score big. Of course, they fall for it and we score big outside the book too, if you get what I mean. Well we had a great night, unlike most of the fools who wasted money and blew a thousand bucks on playboy calls that night. Yeah before me Dave and the girls left for the night, I saw some idiot throws two grand away on a phone call to Playboy. He was on the phone for the whole day he said. Well that takes the cake, Dave decides to cut the call short and I mean literally cut the call. He cuts the phone wire and runs like hell. I take off too but almost forget the girl I leave with. We all celebrate the night going well with some KFC . Dave of course lets me go through the drive through window, as we don’t want any drama tonight. Of course, we end up with way too much food for us to eat and end up donating the excesses to some guy who was living in a trash can. The guy claimed he lived in a trash can because his hero on Sesame Street, Oscar the grouch did. I couldn’t believe this, and called for the men in white coats to pick this guy up. Of course he was pissed, but eventually he went back to normal because they determined a
man is not crazy just because he lives in a garbage can. However, he could be arrested for it, which he was. He got a life sentence too because he was convicted of all sorts of things. He had warrants for living in trash cans in all of the United States. No seriously, he had a long rap sheet, it was longer than your leg. Of course me and Dave hear about this and wonder what our country is coming to when a man is given a life sentence for living in a garbage can.
The next day we go back to KFC and the two guys who were bugging Dave were eating there not causing a scene at all. Then I noticed both had girlfriends so they were double dating. I was in shock and awe, and asked them if they were the same guys who were bothering Dave earlier that week. They said yes and we sat down and had a friendly meal together.
The next chapter is ….. Fools I just decided to lump an assorted bunch of stupidness into the next chapter. My friend Dave and I noticed that the man with the suitcase had in fact done it again, but by now we were used to his stupidity. However,what we weren’t used to was the fact that he slipped and almost fell into the gutter/ He slipped on a banana peel someone thought it would be funny to watch someone slip on. Apparently they hoped to hit pay dirt by cracking some homeless bums head opened. They almost got them. It seems the suitcase man has had his run of bad luck. He lost his job because of the suitcase incident getting to the office, his wife left him saying John you’re such an idiot and he almost lost his house. Well I promptly called him a fool for letting people know of his stupidity. Then I went to hang out with Bret and one of his friends. On New Year’s Eve 2004, his friend Joe (not me) comes to hang out with him high as a kite. That’s bad but not the worst he did that night. He then while I’m warning him not to do it, sticks his hand in the oven. He doesn’t yell, he just puts his hand under some water. What a fool. He then proceeds to try to play Bret’s guitar, but cant and proceeds to try to ruin the guitar. Bret comes in and almost beats the hell out of Joe. I just stand back and laugh as this is a hilarious scene of idiocy. He and Joe go at it and I watch eating a pop tart and listening to music. It was great to see such great friends getting along so well. It was a great night, but eventually it had to end, well at least I had to go home, so I jog and then after a major distraction, I catch a bus.
Next, is a scene I never thought I would see. A guy was pissing in a public place. He pissed on a cop by mistake. It was a big mistake. He tried to run, but could not because he tripped over the police cruiser which he had been keying while the cop was stuffing his face with donuts. The cop caught him, and beat the hell out of him for resisting arrest. Nah, just kidding, he did sit on the guy which was worse than if he had actually beaten the hell out of him, this police officer was 300lbs or more. By the way, this happened while I was on my way home from the New Year’s party at Bret’s place. After seeing this I throw a pop tart at the offending person. The cop cuts the cheese, I catch a whiff while I ‘m on the bus back to my house and it’s not pretty. I go home and recap the night’s events and laugh my butt off. I call Dave the next day to tell him what happened, and he almost dies laughing.
Another fool was a guy who got off on the wrong bus and ended up fifty miles away from where he needed to go. Some poor sap wanted to go to the Coral Square Mall and ended up in Boca Raton. He had to take the number 2 bus and took the 34, which I was on going to school. He just followed me without a word, assuming I was skipping school to go hang out with friends. I was a little weirded out by this, but I said no big deal when he told me. He ended up trying to take a cab there from Boca, which cost a lot of money. He didn’t have it either, so then the driver tried to beat it out of him. He ran away and then went in the mall.
It turned out he was trying to meet a fourteen year old girl there for sex. Of course, it was mall security that was setting up a sting for him, and of course they caught the idiot. He tried to run and they caught him. He got life. I was there at his trial too, when the judge slammed the gavel, me and Dave went to celebrate. As it was, we raised hell in the courtroom. The man tried to get me to represent him. I refused saying he couldn’t pay for a cab, let alone my legal services, which mind you I do not have a law degree I actually stamped the word idiot on his head while he was being led away. I had asked the judge for permission for this one. The judge handed me his own personal marker and stamp to do this.
Bret will be occurring several times in this book, he’s my favorite fool. Nah he’s not a fool, but he’s funny. His current run of foolishness includes being a paperboy. Haha I think he should have been a farmer instead. It pays better and probably would get him free food. He would have stunk like a horse, however and would be getting higher than a kite if he took that job, which would end in him getting fired. Oh well he’s seriously considering doing that for the moment. I think he should, I mean he’s already part horse haha just kidding Bret. Seriously he’d make a good farmer. However, he would make a better pirate than anything else. He loves booze, babes, and booty. (the money booty not the sexual type) Well actually, he likes both. Actually any guy would make a good pirate if they can stand the alcohol, personally I can’t do it. As of late, I told him to go college so he can learn guitar, which he loves more than anything. I keep telling him to go to college, which eventually he might do, or he might end up being a buffoon, it depends on a lot of things.
Then on my college graduation day, a friend of mine decides to show up at work about three and a
half hours too late. I was amazed, and said what the heck dude, and he says I was high. Brian was always getting high it seemed. He was late a lot and eventually got written up for it. In fact, he may have been fired for it, but that got changed I think. So he asks if the boss is there, I tell him yes Monica is there, he looks worried and I leave somewhat amused, but also worried. I was hoping Brian wouldn’t get fired, and indeed he wasn’t for the time being. However, this genius has done this many times, and eventually I think it caught up to him. He’s kind of bad with money and almost never works on time, what happens then?
Well I am sure you can guess what happens next. One time he told me he was five hundred dollars in the hole. At least four hundred of that was on his cell phone. When he tells me this I crack up, then he cracks up. The night he told me that, he was wilding out and taking cash out of his account saying holy shit Joe I’m overdrawn. He seemed half in disbelief and also like he was giddy for it. I was laughing my ass off because this guy was so bad with money. It was horrible. I mean I try to be his friend and look what I let him do to himself. He had offered to buy something for me earlier too, which amused me. It was Halloween of last year when I was wandering the town with this poor fool.
Nah just kidding Brian’s not a fool, he just acts like one. So we keep walking and he decides he wants to run so that he won’t be late getting home. So I say ok, since I used to be and still am, a great runner. He stops after about thirty seconds. I say dude what are you doing. I also point out that we could have taken the bus from the mall a lot earlier, but he insists on walking even though he was going to be late most likely. He said his uncle charges him for every minute after 11 he came in, which he was late by about 15 minutes that night, about the time where he gets locked out. He stopped to talk to a pair of girls and then some people at Panera Bread, he was just wilding out the whole night. Then when we were about 20 minutes away he decides to stop and take a rest. I told him to keep going, but he really needed the rest he said. So I say ok dude don’t get locked out though and rest with him.
He says something about the trees giving him soup, at this point I think he’s a bit nuts, so later we pass by the library and sure enough he gets soup out of some bushes, apparently he stashed it there earlier. So he offers me some, and we think it would be cool to hang out in this construction site by the charter school in Coral Springs, but we don’t do it because I think some stuff would fall on us or something. Brian almost gets us jumped by some gang members earlier that night. I say hey dude your going get us jumped .He says what I am telling him is nonsense, and then he sees the guys were as he says, rap people. They were not just rap people, they were gang members it appeared. He gets their attention and I think holy shit Brian we are going to die, as there were about a dozen guys and even my strength wasn’t enough to handle that many people, despite what my friends might tell me. So I pull Brian away saying you know those are gang members right? He has the look of like oh man what have I gotten myself into. This was after we were going to the movies to check out girls. Of course he decided to go back to prove something, but it turns out I was right in not wanting to go back to the mall. So later on that week he and I meet up with Brittani (sp?) a gorgeous girl we met at the mall who I haven’t seen in forever. She’s awesome, but more on that some other time. We leave to hang out with her and her boyfriend, when I hear that Brian and I feel down. However, we go off to get fucking high and of course I feel a bit buzzed. Brian’s acting like a total fool though. I said dude you’re so gone. I was laughing, but not totally wasted. I always get away with stuff like that.
I went home and no one noticed, although maybe that is because I act so stupid no one can tell something is really wrong with me. It is great being me. I could get baked at work and no one would know, or care because they can’t tell. I would never do it though because I don’t like that stuff. Drugs would make me more of a mental mess. I need my brain for when I am in college again. I’m going back for criminology most likely, since it is short and also useful if I go into police work. It would be funny, because I would probably not have to show up for school, which was a good thing for me. In any case, Brian went home toasted to the skin.. I felt pretty bad because I never wanted to smoke again.
Fools Page 12
