by L. B. Dunbar
“I don’t know how to make it work,” I admit, falling to my ass on the steps and placing my hands over my face.
“Look, man. I am no advice expert on relationships, but you and Evie, you’ve got something. I see it lingering and scraping to happen. Either grab on tight or cut it loose. Something’s got to give. You can’t run here when she’s pissed you off, and she can’t feel like you’re pushing her out. Compromise. I don’t even know what that means, but that’s what people tell me makes it work.”
I’m hearing him, but it’s not sinking in yet.
“Where is she?” I ask, and Justice shakes his head.
“Not yet, brother. You need to sort your shit before you see her.”
“You know Tabby’s kid is not mine,” I tell him, willing him to understand it isn’t humanly possible to be mine.
“I know. Just . . . take a breath, yeah? Give Evie the night to wrap her head around this day and that scene.”
The groundbreaking. She was coming apart, and I could see it across the lot. My family was hovering over her, but it wasn’t enough. I should have been next to her. I should have sucked up my pride and my stubbornness and just been there. She hadn’t asked anything of me in six years, but a yearly phone call and a divorce.
Is she finally done with me? Is it really over for us? I don’t even know where those papers are.
“Why are you protecting her?” I ask, staring up at my friend. I trust him with my life because he saved mine, but I don’t understand his dedication to my wife.
“I might know a thing or two about being pushed away, and it’s hard to come back, especially if you’re kicked over and over again.” Justice tips his chin at me as if dismissing me and stalks back to the main room. I stare at the front door for a minute and then make a decision.
+ + +
Arriving home, I find an empty house, and it hits me hard. I’m alone. These walls have been a barrier to keep me in, and I need to be let out. It’s too quiet in here. The silence is deafening, but I sit still on the couch and absorb the dull sensation around me.
Michael isn’t here.
Evie’s words cycle through my thoughts. He hasn’t been here for a long time, and I’ve known it. I thought if I left his room alone, I’d feel his presence when all I’ve felt is loneliness. I thought if I left this house, I’d be leaving him behind, but I’m not. I’ve left myself behind. Six years gone, and I’ve missed my wife as much as I’ve missed my child.
She’s been standing before me, telling me over and over again how she’s been waiting on me to bring her back, and as much as we’ve said I love you, I’m not showing her enough.
Our dates have been fun and easy, but when it comes to the hard stuff, I’ve backed up. Again.
I lean forward, placing my head in my hands, elbows on my knees, and I listen to the silence around me. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want Evie’s soft smile, and sweet kisses, and us fucking on the kitchen counter, but not this countertop. Not this house. We need to start fresh, and I sit here most of the night thinking of how to start.
Silver slips his head onto my lap, tucking it under my arm, and I absentmindedly reach down and scratch behind his ears.
“What am I gonna do, boy?” I ask, and his eyes shift.
“I just want her back,” I mutter, and his head lifts. He looks off toward the staircase and yelps. I stare in the direction of his gaze and take a deep breath.
In the early hours of the morning, I head to Michael’s room.
30
Borrowed Time
[Evie]
“I’m so embarrassed,” I say to Letty, who hands me a glass of wine. “And I’m so sorry about this.”
“Do not apologize. We’re happy to have you,” Letty tells me. After Justice took me for a ride, and I not so eloquently got sick on the side of the road, he brought me to Giant’s cabin. How he knew how to get here, I don’t know.
“Thought it best if she’s someplace where he can’t find her yet. Take some time to cool off and get his head straight,” Justice told Giant, who met us in his yard.
Giant seemed to agree, and Letty came right for me. “I was so worried about you. That was quite a scene.”
It was. And like I’ve said, I’m so embarrassed.
After Letty shuffled me into their house, she made me take a long shower. I cried my final tears for James Harrington, and then took a long-needed nap. Eventually, I told them everything.
Now, it’s just Letty and me.
“What are you thinking?” she asks.
“I want to believe it isn’t true, but the shock was like . . . wham! . . . straight to my heart.” I flatten my palm over my chest. “I couldn’t give him more than one baby and thinking he was going to have one with someone else, that just hurts.”
Letty smiles. “I know the feeling. I wanted a child so badly, but my fiancé didn’t. Then he fucked my sister, and he wasn’t my fiancé anymore.”
“Oh my God, that’s awful.”
“I know. I decided to adopt.” Letty shrugs. “It isn’t the same as carrying a child, but it’s still wonderful. What’re nine months when I have his whole life ahead of me now?” She isn’t wrong, but I think of Michael. You never know how short life can be.
“I feel like there’s something more here. Something deeper happening,” Letty says, and I look up at her from the bed where they’re letting me sleep for the night. Their cabin has plans to be expanded as they want to live here instead of Giant’s house, but the renovation hasn’t started yet. I’m in the loft, an area above the one bedroom and kitchen below. I have two queen-size beds on the floor, and that’s it. No walls. No other furniture fits up here. I sit with my legs crossed and hold the wine glass in my hand.
“I don’t know if I can trust him. Trust him not to walk away or push me away. He was upset the other night, not angry, just upset that I wanted to go to the groundbreaking, and he rode off without . . .” Kissing me.
“Why was he upset?”
“He doesn’t want the building in Michael’s name. I think he thinks it will be too much of a reminder. Like our son has a building in his name because he isn’t here.”
“That’s understandable.”
“But the decision to name the community center wasn’t up to us. Sure, we might have stopped it if we’d known sooner, or perhaps if we had more time to grapple with the idea, we could have accepted it. It’s just been a lot, and he’s just so . . . stubborn. And I’m tired, Letty. I’m just tired of being on the outside of him and his life.” I shrug. “But he won’t let me in.”
“I understand that completely,” Letty says. “James is scared. He’s scared if he lets you get too close, he’ll hurt you again. He’ll lose you, and this time, it will be out of his control. Before, he told you to leave him, but if something else gets in the way to take you away, well, that’s different.”
“He should want to hold tighter, not give up.”
“I agree,” Letty says. “But the same goes for you. He pushed you away, and you walked, and I totally understand why you did it. Love takes a fight, Evie. You have to fight for him if you want him back.”
“But when do I accept that I’m down for the count.”
Letty puts a hand on my knee. “I don’t know. Maybe when you accept you can live without him, more than you can’t live with him.” She’s teasing but maybe not. “I’m convinced he loves you. He gave such a compelling explanation for wanting that outpost. It was so romantic that he wanted a night there with you.”
“What was James’s argument?” I laugh without humor.
“He wanted his wife back.”
I stare at her. “That’s it.”
“That’s it,” she says. “Isn’t that enough?”
In many ways, it was.
+ + +
The next morning, I wake early to the sound of a dog emphatically barking and raised voices somewhere outside. I scramble from the bed in a large T-shirt of Giant’s that Letty let me wear and c
limb down the ladder leading to the loft. Yanking open the front door, I stumble onto the low porch and find Giant and James arguing with one another.
“I just want to see my wife,” James grunts, lifting his hand for his head and pacing in a small circle before facing his brother again. His eyes lift over his brother’s shoulder, and he sees me standing on the porch.
“Evie.” His voice cracks as he steps forward, but Giant stops him with a large paw on James’s chest. James glances from the hand on him to his brother’s face.
“Please, man. Let me go to her.” His tone begs, and I take a long look at his edgy face. He’s so broken at this moment, almost as much as when we lost our son, but not quite the same. This is a man on the edge of losing everything. His eyes are wide while his cheeks are shallow. He’s biting the inside, causing his jaw to clench. His hands form fists at his side. He’s holding it all in when he wants to push at his brother.
“James,” I call out, and he shifts his gaze from his brother to me. I’ve crossed my arms and hitched my hip, staring at him. “Come here.”
It’s said like a disappointed mother to her petulant child, but still, it’s a command. Giant mutters something, and James nods without an answer. Slowly, I watch James approach the low porch. It’s only two steps up, but I stand near the edge, and I point to where I want James to walk. Right in front of me. His eyes don’t leave my face, and I’m grateful he doesn’t start talking, yammering with apologies and explanations. I just need one minute. When he’s standing directly before me, a head lower than me because of the porch height, I open my arms.
For a second, his brows lift, and then he falls forward, his forehead resting on my sternum as I wrap my arms around his head. I hold him to me, and his fingers come to my sides, curling into the soft material of Giant’s tee. He’s tugging at it, pulling me forward as he presses his head near my breasts. Slowly, his fingers unfurl, and he wraps his arms around my waist, holding me tight against him. I stroke my hand over his hair, lowering to kiss the top of him. He shudders under me, and I just drink in this minute.
“It’s not mine,” he mutters without mentioning woman or child.
“I know.”
His head shoots up, and he looks at me. I expect him to be angry that we’ve fought for nothing, but instead, his expression remains broken.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t even know when or where the picture was taken, but it’s old, and it’s over. I’ll leave the club if it brings you back to me.”
It’s quite a statement, but I don’t want him to give up his new friends. I think Justice has been good for him, moving into the role of big brother and protector, like Giant once was.
“I don’t need you to give up things for me. I need you.”
It’s that simple, like Letty said. I’ve needed him for years, and I feel like he’s just within my grasp again. We just need to reach out for each other.
“Peach, let me take you somewhere. I swear, it’s the last thing I’ll ask for. Just . . . I need to go there, and I want you to go with me.”
I swallow. It’s a hard proposition. He wasn’t there for me at the groundbreaking, but then again, he was. He showed, and he held me. We did it together even though it was hard leading up to it and difficult afterward. When it came to being there because of Michael, we were there for each other.
“I don’t have anything with me for a hike.” I’d worn a dress to the ceremony and wore the same thing here yesterday.
“I brought some old things from the house and picked up a few things from the rental.” I didn’t even want to know how he got in the rental. “Please, Evie. I swear it’s the last thing I’ll ask.”
“You haven’t asked for much,” I remind him. He asked me to leave, and then he never asked for anything more.
“Do you want me to ask you to come back to me? I’m asking. Do you want me to ask you to love me? I’m not above begging. I want us, Evie. I want us.” His voice cracks, and his lids lower. His head falls to my chest again, and he grips the edges of the shirt.
“Okay,” I whisper, my heart breaking all over again for this man, but this time it’s different. It’s breaking for him, not because of him.
“Quiet that dog,” I say as I realize that Silver has been running around the house and yipping each time he passes James and me. “Letty and Finn are still sleeping.”
“Silver,” James snaps, leaning back from me. “Stop.” The dog acquiesces, and James heads to the truck for my things. Giant walks up to the porch where I wait.
“You sure about him, Evie?”
“I want to be,” I say, offering him a sad smile. Giant nods, and James returns to the porch.
+ + +
We drove to the old ranger station, and from there, we walk. I notice James’s attire for the first time. He’s wearing old jeans, ripped at one knee, and a Henley shirt with a quilted flannel shirt over it. His old hiking boots are on his feet, and he looks like the James I remember. Nothing wrong with all black T-shirts, tight dark jeans, and motorcycle boots, but this is him. He’s in his element walking through the woods, looking up and around him.
He brought me my old boots as well and found me a pair of jeans at the rental house along with a sweater and a lightweight jacket. We walk in silence for a large part of our trip. James holds my hand, ignoring my sweaty palms. His pace is always faster than mine, but he stays slow, taking our time. Silver bounds around us, running ahead and then coming back. He yips and barks on occasion, but he’s equally in his element as well.
“Before we reach the ridge, I have a few things I think I should say.”
I don’t respond. I suppose I have things to say as well.
“I’m sorry for all the drama. I meant what I said. I can pull out of the club.”
“I don’t want you to do that.” James needs friends, and he’s found them in men like Justice and Bear.
“I don’t want to talk about Tabby. Justice is handling it. He thinks everything is linked to Rusty. Can we just be done with that?”
I nod to agree. It doesn’t make sense why she’d say it’s James’s baby, but it’s not, and it’s over. I have to believe what he tells me. He’s not a liar, and he’s always held fast and true to that about himself.
“And I’ve decided to sell the house.”
“What?” I stop walking a second, and James stops to face me, but his eyes don’t look up. “Why?”
“You were right. It’s too much for me. I’ve let it keep me prisoner, not only to Michael but also to you. Being there made me feel like you weren’t completely gone, but it was never right. You should have been there physically, not just memories among the furniture.”
I squeeze his hand, and his head lifts but turns to look off in the distance.
“I also cleaned out Michael’s room.” His jaw clenches. I know it was difficult for him to do such a thing.
“I could have helped you,” I offer, torn between the fact he did something without me again and knowing he needed to do this on his own.
“I know, but I had to do this for me.” I understood. I’d already taken with me what I had wanted when I left.
“What did you do with his things?”
“Boxed up some stuff. Made a pile to donate. I’ll rehang pictures and such in a new house.” He looks back at me. “I’m hoping it will be our new house.”
I stare up at him.
“Evie, I want you to move back in with me, or me with you. I just want us together. Dating’s fun, and I promise we’ll do more of it. Creative things.” His mouth slowly tips up as he recalls our ice cream outing, but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “But I need you day to day. The good and the bad ones. And nights too.”
“Nights too,” I whisper, and I nod to agree. “I’ve missed you.”
His lids lower a second, and he swallows hard. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.”
“I want to kiss you, but not yet.” His smile grows a little bit more, and he turns away, continuing to lea
d me forward.
“Just so we’re clear, it would be okay to kiss me,” I tease.
“Oh, I’m gonna kiss you, Peach. Just want to do it somewhere special.” His hand squeezes mine as we walk forward.
It’s about a mile up from the outpost, straight up to the ridge. I feel my heart racing the closer we get. I’ve never been back here once Michael had the accident, but James came here often. I remind myself I’m doing this for him. He wants to bring me here for some reason.
We break free of the trees to find an array of flat boulders, jutting out from the mountain and over the valley below. My palms sweat. My heart hammers.
“Not too close,” I whisper, and James stops. Silver beat us here, but he’s circling the rocks, coming close to the edge and then hopping back to us.
“Right here is good.” We still, and James drops my sweaty hand. He swipes a hand down his face and looks off in the distance. I want to see what he sees, but I don’t. My imagination has the best of me, and I’m envisioning things I didn’t see. I close my eyes, hoping not to go there, but then I have to open them because it’s too much.
“I brought Mom, buddy,” he whispers, and then Silver barks. I flinch, too overwhelmed by James’s words and the echo of the dog’s bark. My body trembles, and I can’t breathe. It’s a beautiful setting. A glorious day with mild temps and a soft breeze, but I cannot catch my breath. My ribs feel like they are caving in, clawing at my insides. My back aches, pressure squeezing like a vise wraps around me.
Silver is frantically pacing around us, brushing at our shins and calves, and I don’t know why but it’s bothering me. I feel like he’s pushing me.
“Silver, stop,” I snap, spinning in a circle as if chasing my own tail. James has stepped forward, drawing closer to the edge. My fear of heights is catching up to me, and my entire body trembles.
“James,” I choke, my voice too quiet for him to hear at his back. The dog walks to him and sits at his side a second.
