“I'm not going to let you die,” Athena repeated. “And I'm not going to let you die,” Tobin replied.
They sat together, hand in hand, looking up at the trees. Nearly all of the leaves were shed, laying on the ground, occasionally being stirred by the breeze. The branches were skeletal looking, gray and bare. In the past, Athena hadn't been bothered by the winter forest. It was still beautiful to her, any time of year, but now... now it looked sad. All of the color was drained, not just from the forest she held so dear, but from her entire kingdom. Galbar was a sad shell of its former self.
And her friend, Tobin, was a shell of his former self. Gone was his crooked smile and loud laugh. Even his sandy blond hair looked white, and his tan skin had paled significantly. He was a ghost.
“We're going to save each other,” Athena said.
“When did you become an optimist?” Tobin asked. He was joking, but it didn't sound like that.
“When I looked at Edgehill and thought, 'I don't want to contribute to this misery.'”
“I like your optimism,” Tobin said. “Too bad I still want to run away.”
“Tobin, I wish we could run away, I really do, but we can't just pretend Galbar doesn't need us. This kingdom is our home, we can't abandon it.”
Tobin looked slightly hurt, letting go of Athena's hand as if she had rejected him. But he quickly recovered, taking it again and leaning against her.
Guilt swelled in Athena's heart, but it was stupid. She wasn't guilty. She was going to save Tobin's life. She was going to save her kingdom. She smiled at Tobin, as genuinely as she was capable of. “Let's talk about something nice now.”
Chapter 4
That evening, after spending hours with Tobin, Athena limped to Faramond's house. She had almost forgotten about the dagger concealed in her cloak. Tobin made her forget about one set of problems, replacing it with another.
She seemed to have a constant headache now. There were too many things on her mind. Too many burdens to bear. But her burdens wouldn't be getting any lighter. Not anytime soon.
When Athena trudged into Faramond's house, forlorn and tired, Faramond handed her a glass of liquid. She raised an eyebrow.
“It's water,” Faramond said.
“I wish it weren't.” Athena downed the water, not feeling any better. Not even the slightest bit better. Her headache was getting heavier. Her feet were starting to throb. And her mind kept breaking more and more, almost all of her sanity gone.
“Shall we train?” Faramond asked.
“Why am I so tired? I was used to it before, hardly getting any sleep, but now I can't take it. I want to pass out every moment. I can hardly stand up. It's like my mind is overloaded and at some point, it's just going to burst. I'm going to burst, Faramond. I'm just going more and more mad.”
Faramond poured something into Athena's glass. “You think alcohol will make everything better? Here.” He waited for her to drink it. She didn't. She set the glass down and fell into Faramond's chair, closing her eyes.
“Don't drown your problems in alcohol, Athena. No good will come of it. Fears must be faced. Problems must be overcome.”
“How will I defeat the Shadow and King Landgrave? How can I end this so that Tobin comes home?”
Faramond walked over to his cot and bent down to reach underneath it. He withdrew a long case. Unclasping it, he revealed a sword. It was shiny and sharper than the dagger. Athena could see her reflection it. She saw the ghost of herself. “Once you've mastered the dagger, you can start training with this. You're already familiar with a bow, correct? From hunting?”
“From what little game there is around here, I do well enough with a bow.”
“If you can hit a bird, you can hit a man.”
Athena tried to picture herself killing a human. It was unthinkable. And yet, that was what she was training for. She was training for war. Blood would be shed. It was absolutely terrifying, but it was inevitable. Athena would not come out of this unscathed. The scars would always be there, mental and physical.
“I feel sick,” Athena said suddenly.
“About killing?”
Athena slowly nodded. She stared at the sword and felt the dagger in her pocket. These weapons would be used to kill. I can't avoid it. I can't avoid anything.
“Every soldier has to come to terms with killing. It isn't easy.”
“Is anything easy, Faramond? You keep telling me everything is going to be hard, but I'll be okay and get through it. But for once, can't something be easy?”
“I'm not the one who decides that, Athena. That's up to you.”
“Right, I can just decide to be okay. I can decide that I'm fine with killing people. I'm fine with Tobin leaving. I'm fine with spies looking for me. I'm fine with saving the entire kingdom!”
“Athena, you have to stay calm. Let's skip the weapon stuff for now. Would you like to learn how to meditate? It can be a way of relieving all of your pain, even if it's only for a little while.”
“I don't want a temporary escape, Faramond! I want everything to be normal again!”
“That's not going to happen!” Faramond suddenly yelled. He'd never raised his voice like that. He always sounded calm, collected, content. He was angry. Tired of Athena complaining. Tired of her moping about.
“I'm sorry,” Athena said quietly.
“I didn't mean to yell,” Faramond replied. “You just need to try, Athena. You need to try to get through everything. Try to make it easier on yourself. I don't expect you to be happy. I don't expect you to be excited about fighting a war. But I expect you to cooperate. Over time, it will get better. Maybe not much, but a little bit is better than nothing.”
“Okay,” Athena whispered. She drew her dagger. “Teach me how to use this.”
That night, Athena's nightmares enveloped her, as if they were trying to drown her. She woke up in a cold sweat, panicking. She wondered if her mind could adapt, once and for all. After years and years of enduring the same thing, wouldn't her brain decide it wasn't real? That the nightmares were only nightmares? She had coped for a long time. At one point, she thought the nightmares would eventually go away forever. But now they were only strengthening. The Shadow was creeping closer.
When dawn finally arrived, Athena had to drag herself from bed. Faramond was downstairs, sitting with his arm's folded in the living room. “Did you knock?” Athena asked.
“How often do you bother knocking on my door?” Faramond answered coolly. “Eat something.”
“I don't have much of an appetite,” Athena said.
“Soldiers must stay healthy. You're practically a skeleton.”
“All we have is bread. And we're running out of supplies.”
“Take any kind of sustenance you can get.”
Athena nibbled on a stale slice of bread, eying the decreasing sacks of flour. Any day now, there would be none left. Everybody would become a skeleton.
“Did you practice what I showed you last night?” Faramond asked.
Athena drew her dagger, pointing it at Faramond's throat. “I practiced for three hours last night. And then I tried to sleep. As you can see, I failed to sleep.” She gestured towards the dark circles under her eyes and her gaunt, sunken face.
“Soldiers need sufficient rest.”
“Well, Faramond, if you'd like to teach me how to stop nightmares, I'll get plenty of rest.”
Faramond sighed. “Let's continue practicing with the dagger.”
That afternoon was Tobin's last afternoon in Edgehill. Athena walked all the way to his farm, ignoring the occasional throbbing in her feet. She was limping more quickly now though she figured she couldn't be healing all that well with her severe lack of rest.
When Tobin answered the door, Athena flung her arms around him. They said nothing to each other. Athena could see Tobin's mother standing behind him, face ruddy from crying. There were only a few goodbyes left. Only a few hours left. When Athena took Tobin's hand, she didn't let go until they w
ere in the town square.
Tobin was dressed in his military uniform, standing tall and straight, though Athena could see that underneath the facade, Tobin was miserable. His face was blank, expressionless. He stood at attention towards his superiors. A short speech was given by an official, something about honor. The few people standing in the square looked grave. Only the official smiled, pretending he wasn't sending an innocent man to death.
“Tobin, are you ready to serve your king?”
“I am,” Tobin said. Even his voice was emotionless. He was doing all he could to not break. Athena knew he wanted to punch the official and all of the superiors. She knew he wanted to escape right now and never come back. But his fists were balled, knuckles white. He was containing himself, staying as calm as possible.
“Well then, say your goodbyes, soldier,” The official said, stepping down from his podium. Tobin went to Athena first, holding to her more tightly than ever before.
“I love you,” he whispered.
Athena remembered when he had first said those words. He'd been unsure of what they meant at the time. He knew what they meant now. He loved her, he was in love with her. And the fact that he was leaving, most likely never to be with her again, was heart wrenching.
“I love you too,” Athena said to him. She smiled through her tears. “We're going to see each other again. We're going to be together, Tobin.”
He didn't believe her. The anguished expression on his face said everything. He believed this would be the last time they'd ever be together. He would never see her again because he thought he was marching straight to death.
I'm going to save you, Tobin. You're not going to die. I would never allow it. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I lost you.
“We will see each other again,” Athena said. “This isn't goodbye.”
Chapter 5
When Tobin let go, it was as if a part of Athena was stolen. She could feel the ghost of his heart beating against hers, and his breath against her skin. She could still see the absolute sorrow on his face. It would be forever etched in her memory. It would be a new nightmare.
Athena could hardly bear to look at Tobin's family. Whatever she was feeling couldn't compare to what his mother was feeling. The pain the poor woman was going through was amplified far more than Athena's.
When she finally managed to look at the heartbreaking scene, all of Athena's strings snapped. Her heart dropped. Tobin's two younger sisters were sobbing. The youngest was only seven. If Tobin ever came back, would the girl remember him? Would she even recognize her own father? She was so small, so fragile. She could break easily. And once she was broken, she could never be repaired.
The little girl held onto her brother's hand, staring at him with pools of tears in her eyes. “Don't go, Toby,” she said in a tiny voice. “Please don't go.”
Tobin squeezed her hand tightly and hugged her. “It's going to be okay.” But he was looking at his sister the same way he had just looked at Athena. He didn't believe it would be okay. He didn't believe he would ever see any of them again.
His other sister was nearly fourteen. She was taller than the other, but not by much. She still looked young, too young. The food shortage was affecting her. Perhaps she would never grow up properly. Perhaps she would perish from starvation. With bony arms, she hugged her brother. He wiped tears away from her gaunt face, telling her the same thing he told his youngest sister.
“It's not going to be okay,” she said. “Mara-”
“It's not going to be okay, Tobin! It's not!” Mara yelled. “You're going to die and so are we!”
Tobin looked taken aback. He tried to take Mara's hand, but she yanked away and then turned, not looking at him. Tobin's expression was one of heartbreak, but he said nothing. He simply looked at his mother.
She took him into her arms like he was a child. He looked more vulnerable than ever. He looked like death. Athena couldn't hear the conversation between Tobin and his mother, but she could see that they were both crying, both suffering deeply. They would have stood there all day if not for the soldier who tapped Tobin's shoulder.
“It's time to go,” the man said, without even the slightest hint of sympathy.
Tobin clung to his mother, abandoning all composure. He had fallen apart completely. He sobbed into her shoulder. “I can't,” he repeated over and over again. “I can't.”
Athena looked away. She couldn't watch anymore. It was too much.
“Let's go, soldier!” The man grabbed Tobin, tearing him away from his family.
Athena could hear her friend wail. She could hear him kicking and screaming at the soldier. This wasn't the Tobin she knew. This was his ghost. Most of the few people in the square had long ago disappeared, either not wanting to see the sad scene, or not caring. Athena knew most of them didn't care. Edgehill didn't seem to care much about anything anymore.
Only Tobin's family, Athena's grandparents, and herself remained, waiting until Tobin was gone. He was dragged away, and as Athena looked at him one last time, she saw a broken man. She could hardly remember his crooked smile or his loud laugh. She couldn't even believe those expressions belonged to this man.
Tobin's mother walked over to Athena giving her a solemn look. She briefly hugged her before turning to trudge back to her farm. No words were exchanged between them. Athena couldn't think of anything to say. This woman had lost her husband, and now three of her sons. She was hardly alive.
Mara and Tobin's youngest sister, Elsie, sat down in the town square, not following their mother. “We're never going to see him again,” Mara said.
“Yes you will,” Athena said. She nodded at her grandparents, and they left, going back to attend to the bakery.
“Don't lie,” Mara spit. “Mum said we'd see Father again. She said we'd see our other brothers again. But we haven't. And we're never going to.”
“Yes you will,” Athena said more forcefully. She knelt down next to the two girls. “They will come back alive.”
“You're a grown-up,” Elsie whispered. “Grown-ups lie.”
That was true. Athena had figured out her whole life was a lie only a few days ago. Faramond and her grandparents had kept secrets from her forever. They were liars. She had been extremely angry. Infuriated. Admittedly, she still was. She would always be angry that her life was turned upside down. But she was no longer angry at her grandparents or Faramond. They cared about her more than anyone. They had only wanted to protect her.
“Your mother and Tobin are trying to protect you,” Athena said. “Because they love you.” A tear slipped from Mara's eye.
“They want you to be happy.” Athena touched Mara's cheek. “And they aren't lying. Your brothers and fathers will come back and everything will be okay. You have to be strong.”
“How can I be strong?” Mara asked, voice trembling.
“Think of all your good memories. Think of everything happy you've ever experienced. And create new happy memories.” Athena knew how ironic it was that she was giving advice when she was hardly sane herself, but it was too agonizing seeing these girls in such pain. Athena wanted to provide relief in any way she could.
“Look around,” Mara said. “There's nothing happy here.”
Edgehill was dark, cold, empty. Gray walls and dead weeds dotted the landscape. Bare branches hung precariously over buildings. Doors and windows were bolted. The town square, once a center of vibrant life, was a lonely ruin. As Edgehill fell, so did all of its residents. Everyone was sinking into a pit of despair with seemingly no way out.
But I'm going to save this town. I'm going to save this kingdom.
“You can help make it happy,” Athena said to Mara. “Learn to hunt, plow the fields on your farm so there will be food when your family returns. Pull these ugly weeds away. Paint the doors. Restore the town you love.”
“I'm just a girl,” Mara said.
Athena had said those very same words. “Well, 'just a girl', you can do anything you set your min
d to.”
“Another grown-up lie,” Elsie whispered.
“It's true,” Athena said. “You can both do whatever you please. You can both be strong.” Elsie's face lit up slightly. “Are you telling the truth?”
“I am.”
Mara scoffed. “No, Elsie, she's lying. We can't do anything. We're going to die just like Father. Just like Tobin.”
Elsie began to cry.
Athena hugged the little girl. “I am telling you the truth. Be strong, Elsie.”
And I have to be strong too. For Tobin's sake, for your sake, for the kingdom's sake.
“Thank you,” Elsie said, sniffling. “I want to be strong like you, Athena.”
Mara rolled her eyes, but she gently took Elsie's hands. “We'd better go home and help Mum.” She looked at Athena once, giving her a tiny nod. Giving her acknowledgment. “Bye, Athena.”
Athena waved at them. They were both frail, both starving. They needed to help themselves before they could help the town. But there was hardly any food left. There was hardly any light left. Athena had to bring peace. She had to defeat the King and the Shadow. She needed this family to be together again. Even if only to see Mara smile.
She couldn't succumb to grief or anger. Someday, Athena would make things right in the kingdom. Someday, her town would be restored. Someday, she'd be with Tobin again. She'd see his crooked smile once more.
Chapter 6
“Shall we train?” Faramond asked.
Athena turned, startled. She hadn't noticed Faramond standing next to her, coming up to her silently. She stared at him with wide, red-rimmed eyes. “I'm just going to go home,” she whispered.
Rise of the Shadow Page 3
