by MJ Sparks
“Torian aka Tori”
June 11, 1999
Torian sighed and rolled her eyes and thought to herself how uninspiring graduation had been. The class valedictorian chanted time to go out and conquer the world. But who was he talking about she wondered, because people from around there didn’t leave and in their town there was nothing to conquer. She considered the small town she lived in, a graveyard of dreams. It was the place where dreams rotted and decayed away after a slow and drawn out death. So to the people sitting in the gym crying that night, that was what they should all be crying about, she laughed to herself. They were acting like they’d never see one another again, but reunions around there occurred every weekend. All you needed to do was just go to the club, a softball game, or church. Nobody leaves, Torian thought shaking her head. She personally couldn’t wait for high school to be over. In the last two weeks her own mother hadn’t said a word to her and in true Torian fashion, she gladly returned the favor, doubly by not even giving her so much as a glance. And to make matters worse, her mom had to work during her graduation so she didn’t even show up for that. Of course her mom could have requested off for the occasion, but that was just not how they rolled.
She looked around at all the crybabies at her graduation and thought what a bunch of brats. They just didn’t know how lucky they were. Most of them had their whole families on-site with balloons and cards. And those cards had money in them. The only card she got was from her ride, her recruiter. And all that was inside of it were things that cost money, a list of what she would need while in Basic:
Toothbrush - got
Toothbrush tray - don’t got
Deodorant - got
Toothpaste or powder - don’t got
Bras/sport bras - don’t got
Shower shoes - don’t got
Stationary supplies – don’t need
Most of it was normal stuff, but she needed to get some shower shoes, a toothbrush holder, and some toothpaste. That’s not much, but the problem was, she had no money to get it. Her mom and she weren’t even speaking, so there was no way she could ask for money. There was only one way for her to get what she needed. And she didn’t like doing it, but felt she had no choice but to go on a mission she had shamefully gone on several times in her life. Through the woods and over to the general store, she went.
As she headed towards the woods, she thought about how her mother always used to tell her to “stay out of the woods cause a lady name Mona who stayed next door, got snake bit before”. Torian shrugged to herself thinking, she wasn’t even in the woods when she got bit. She ran outside to get the clothes off of the clothes line real quick when it was about to rain, and crossed right over the snake on her way down the steps. It wasn't until she was running back in, did the snake strike at her, catching her dead on the ankle. Torian recalled what her scream sounded like that day; to her it sounded like death, if there was such a sound. People from neighboring trailers ran out in a frenzy to help her. Buck, the area hustler put her in his car and they left out before the ambulance even made it into town. Ultimately Mona survived, so it wasn’t that big of a deal, Torian thought optimistically making her way through the woods.
She felt sure that she could spot a snake, sight unseen through its scent anyway. Her grandma always told her you could smell snakes, so she was keeping her nostrils peeled for the peculiar aroma of old cucumbers and onions, as that was the scent of snakes as described to her by her grandma.
Through the bush framed opening she could see the side parking lot reserved for employees. She spotted only one car and felt relieved after recognizing that it was Marla’s, one of the few kinder of the bunch that worked there. Torian knew that if she was busy she’d be on the register, decreasing her chances of being caught executing her mini-heist. She wasn't stealing for fortune or anything, she had some basic needs and no cash so she felt justified as she entered into the store as the custom chimer sounded off alerting Marla to her presence.
“Hey Tori”, Marla yelled.
And Tori frightfully jerked, as she’d hoped to sneak in and avoid another one of Marla’s incessant chat sessions. Marla loved to talk about anything and nothing at the same time. At forty-three years old with no husband and no kids and as far as Torian was concerned no business of her own, Marla was a bit of a gossip, a horrible one in fact. The store cashed checks and was also a utility bill payment spot, so she knew everybody’s business; like if someone with no kids came in with WIC vouchers, Marla was the first to spread news that they were expecting, and if someone was bouncing checks, then that automatically meant they were on that stuff. Ms. Marla was serving high tea well before noon, afternoon, late night, on all days except Sunday when she rested.
Tori spoke back finally, waving at her and flashing what would be read to the outside world as an unassuming innocent smile. She counted her blessings that no other employees were in doing inventory or anything else that might have disrupted her plans. While making her way around the store as always, lamenting feelings of anguish nearly crippled her as she mentally ran down her strategy of how to secure what she needed without getting caught. She had become a pro at swiping and again it wasn’t because she was a rotten crook, she told herself. She had needs that her mother didn’t care to see were fulfilled, like when her cycle came on. Her mother never bought her any pads or tampons, she just kind of stocked them whenever or for herself and Tori just used them, but when she was in need, most of the time they weren’t speaking, so how could she dare ask for money to get what she needed. Stealing always seemed the more logical route to Tori, who had calculated her moves and started executing in her normal fashion before Nell, Lakeya and Meek-Meek, three seniors from class of 1999 stumbled into her path.
Snarls, giggles and side-eyes ensued as Torian made her way around the troublesome trio.
They commenced to doing what they were known for and that was talk trash, until Tori snapped back to the aisle that they were on and scared them to death. Their trash talking ceased, at least temporarily and Torian waited for their departure to get back on her mission.
The toothbrush holders were right in Marla’s peripheral so Tori couldn’t be seen picking one up or Marla would be asking her twenty one questions about it when she left. Not even out of suspicion rooted in malice, just because Marla was just nosy that way and Tori wanted to avoid that. So she waited until Marla was occupied with a customer, which also meant she was occupied in talking before she went in and grabbed the holder, a toothbrush and some toothpaste. Tori always wore big baggy clothes in general but especially to get her “werk”. She’d pair the loose pants with some tight stretch shorts or leggings and stuff everything down into the tight gear. Normally she was in and out, super breezy and not sweating it, but somehow the added tension of knowing that if she got caught this final time she’d be arrested and her chances of going to basic training and the Air Force would be gone. Wouldn’t that be so tragically ironic, she thought to herself and began heavily perspiring just at the thought of it.
She had secured almost everything off of the hygiene aisle from tooth care to deodorant. She sat in back telling herself, Think, think, think, what else is on the list that I need. She was coming up empty so she sought out to find an aisle to do her stuffing. The store was kind of packed though, and it was someone on every aisle. She kept surveying, scoping out a good place where she could get all the stuff in her pants.
When s
he finally found a clear spot on the underwear aisle, like a pro she played it cool and acted as if she were looking at stuff, so no one could tell. As she looked around for clearance, her eyes landed on the sports bras, so she was thankful that she’d stopped on that aisle. She grabbed a few of those and then looked on the outside of both sides of the aisle to make sure nobody was coming. She turned to the left after peeking around the aisle and stuffed everything in quickly with her back turned to the main corridor to all of the aisles.
“What are you doing”, a male voice questioned from right behind her.
Her feet were frozen. She couldn’t turn around. Damn it it’s the manager, she thought. I didn’t see his car outside, he must’ve just arrived. I wanted to get out of my mama's house but not like this. I'm going to jail. She felt her tear ducts revving up. She couldn’t believe what was happening. “Bye-bye Air Force”, she mouthed to herself. And hello jail, because that is exactly where she will be sitting when her recruiter comes in the morning, she was so sure of it. She wanted to run so bad, but her feet seemed frozen with fear.
The sound of the unidentified male’s voice frightened her once more, questioning, “Tori, what you doing, what’s wrong with you?”
A few words into his questions and she realized that she recognized the voice. It was Junior, her neighbor’s grandson. She turned around to face him and he was looking at her with a devilish grin. She couldn’t figure out if he saw anything or not. The suspense was absolutely killing her until he spoke.
“I followed you through the bushes”, he announced. “I was spying on you”, he said holding his hands up like they were binoculars around his eyes.
Suddenly she felt herself changing colors. She was red with embarrassment, but played him off saying, “Boy will you go head on somewhere.”
He just stood there smiling at her, making her uneasy about what he’d possibly seen and what he may tell given the opportunity, so she decided use a voice with force, shouting, “Move boy!”
And he moved to the side but kept up with his hands on his eyes as if to say that he was still watching her. Her departure was imminent at the point; she wanted to try to recap her list but decided against it.
If I forgot something then it’s just going to be forgotten, she thought making her way out of the store. It seemed like with every step and stride she took, the toothbrush holder was shimmying its way down her leg, and doing a helluva a job scratching her on its way. With her mission accomplished and freedom in sight, she made her way to the door. Easy breezy, it appeared until Marla stopped her as she pushed the door open.
“Hey Tori, how you doing?”
“Fine”, Torian answered, hoping her brief one word answer would match their conversation.
“You a high school graduate now ain’t you girl”, Marla said smiling with her snuff stained teeth.
“Yes ma’am”, Torian answered, still with no hope or intention on elaborating.
“Well you know Sharon quit don’t ya? I know you been askin’ for a job here for forever.”
“Oh yea,” Tori said trying to tie up the conversation and end it. “Ok I’ll get an application later”, she said taking a couple of steps out. The toothbrush holder was practically at the bottom of her leg.
“Wayment”, Marla said tossing her dull, greasy, brown hair back, “I got the application right here.” She went ruffling through papers at the cash register in search of it.
Torian was trying to think of a good way to tell her that she was not interested any more. She was going into the Air Force tomorrow, plus this toothbrush holder box was sitting at the top of her ankle.
“Where did that thang go? I set it up here for you, cause I figured you would come in here and walk around like you always do. I always wanted to ask you, why you do that?”
Her words sounded like gibberish to Torian. She couldn’t focus on anything but the toothbrush holder threatening to fall out the bottom of her pants and the sports bras that had made their way to her knees. “Huh”, Torian managed to utter, despite her frazzled state.
“Why you like walking around in here? You been waiting for them to say they gone hire you huh?”
“Oh yea”, Torian conceded, but only because she was anxious to get out.
“Okay girl, look like you gone have to come back later. I can’t find it. I must’ve left it back in the office. I can’t go back there now and get it though, ‘cause girl these little kids ‘round here be stealing all the time.”
And Torian gave a mock look of surprise and then shook her head, like it was so tragic that the awful kids steal before smoothly easing on out of the door.
She was cheesing super hard, and celebrating her victory. She darted to the side of the building and ran like a mad woman through the woods. She was so thankful that she would never have to do that again in life. She’d made it out and starting tomorrow she’d have a job and would never have to use her sticky finger tactics again. She slowed down from sprinting to a slow walk once she was sure she had total clearance. She pulled out the list and read it off and realized that she’d forgotten to get shower shoes. She stood in the woods contemplating going back, but what would be her explanation to Marla. She cursed herself for forgetting, and decided that going home would be best. But while standing there an unmistakable aroma crossed her nose. It was a musky scent paired with the smell of watermelon. She took a long drawn out breath in through her nose and realized that it had to be the scent her grandma told her about. So she took off running hard, sure that a snake was in her midst. Her feet pounded the brush and sand in pursuit of the open dirt road of head.
When she cleared the woods and made it to the road where all of the trailers were, she was completely out of breath. She wondered how in the heck she would make it thru basic training as out of shape as she was. She was quite thin, but she definitely wasn’t healthy in the sense of being conditioned to run the timed mile runs that her recruiter warned her about. Still tickled and excited about it all, she continued down the dirt road smiling until her eyes landed on her own front yard. Trouble was waiting for her when she got there.
She could see from the distance, a raggedy blue and white Cutlass parked out front. It was her mom’s boyfriend, Victor’s raggedy hoopty. The car like him, was a piece of junk, in Tori’s opinion. The C in the back was rusted and some of the other letters were missing, at least one of the S’s. And the electric windows were rigged because they’d stay down otherwise and the driver side door, forget about getting out of it. Victor had to resort to sliding over to the passenger side to get out.
So ridiculous she thought. Uggh, his car means one or two things: He is here or worse him and mama here. Either way, my nerves are doomed.
After making her way to the yard and up the steps, she stormed right in and ignored him sitting on the couch with Viv, her little sister watching TV like he owned the house.
“Where you been young lady”, he asked Tori as if he had a right. He knew how Torian hated it when he tried to talk to her like he had some kind of authority over her, like he was her daddy. But he did it anyway because he loved seeing her get worked up about it.
&nb
sp; She knew what the deal was and knew he was trying to spark a reaction out of her so she decided against giving him what he wanted and walked right past him, slamming the door to the room she shared with Viv.
“See with your little nasty attitude! I was gone give you some money for your graduation present, but you so mean and stubborn you make nobody wanna do nothing for you. Come on out here and apologize and I will give you this fifty dollars.”
Did he say fifty dollars Torian thought and sprung up off of her bed. She’d grabbed the door knob to her room to exit until Victor continued talking.
“Yea ya mama told me not to give you nothing, so let this be our little secret. But everybody deserve to get something for graduating, that’s a big deal. We got our problems and all, but I am proud of you for that. Ya know ya mama and me been together a while and ya know I kinda feel..like…like you my child too.”
And after hearing his words, Torian released the grip she’d held on the knob. I am not like his child. I hate him and he hates me and that’s how that goes, damn him and those fifty dollars, she scuffed while retreating back on her bed. Her sensibility began weighing in though and she realized that she did need some money to get shower shoes, but then she punched her pillow and said, “Forget him and those shower shoes. I would rather get gangrene and athlete’s foot than take anything from his slimy ass.”
Victor had caused more than enough trouble throughout her lifetime and she’d never give him the opportunity to do it again. Her mind went back to when she first met him. One day her mother had him over for dinner. You know, so he could meet the kid and kind of bring the family together. She remembered all the hard work her mother put into the meal and all the trouble she went through. She peeled potatoes making mashed potatoes from scratch, she fried pork chops and smothered them in gravy and then she cooked English peas, drowned in butter along with homemade dinner rolls. She even bought a new plate set to commemorate the day. It was a set of four, that included plates, saucers, bowls, and coffee cups. Each plate was white in color with pink and green dancing flowers that intertwined and circled the perimeter of each plate. Torian knew that meant he was special because for the most part all of their plates had come by way of handouts or to go plates wrapped in foil from her grandmother and aunt’s houses.
As dinner got under way, the affair hardly went as planned by her mother. The potatoes were lumpy along with the gravy she’d made, the peas had scorched and were therefore fried somewhat after crusting over, and the rolls turned out semi-blackened in more than a few spots. And to add injury to insult, Torian had the audacity to act like she didn’t want the food, giving her mother a scapegoat to take her frustrations out on. Torian looked up and whined to her mother, I don’t like my pork chops this way. And you would have thought she had thrown a four letter word her mother’s way. Her razor sharp eyes felt as though they’d cut her from across the table, so Torian nibbled at her food out of fear and intimidation, but barely said a word. When Victor left, Torian’s mom spun her around so fast and called her a little bitch. And at the tender age of nine years old, it was decided for her that she was a bitch and from that moment on, she was, towards her mother, towards Victor, towards most anyone else, because they were all so horrible to her, she’d felt.
But that wasn’t the only reason she hated Victor; she hated him because he was a dopehead and she’d tried to warn her mother after seeing him and the neighborhood d-boy slicing off rocks and sticking them in with weed, making primos on the very special plates that her mother had bought for his special dinner ironically years before. Torian told her mother about it, and her mother confronted Victor who adamantly denied putting in the crack and saying that the weed was herbal and not dope he insisted. And every since that beef, the two of them stayed at odds about one thing or another. And Torian’s mom always took his side because after all Torian was a bitch. She had ways just like her no good daddy her mom always reminded her, she even had his charcoal black eyes his mother loathed.
She had heard the statement, “Stop looking at me with those damn eyes” so much that she thought it was pathetic. It wasn’t like she could change her eyes or rent out special eyes just for looking at her mother. She found her mother to be completely ridiculous most times as if it were her fault that she got her eyes from a man she’d obviously had sex with, only to turn around and hate after the fact. Was it her fault that her mom had sex remorse; Torian would constantly ask herself rhetorically during their many arguments. The answer of course was no, but her mother sure blamed Torian like it was. The last time she just flat out let her mom know how she felt and she added in colorful adjectives and other expletives to get her point across. And her mother’s response was a smooth hard slap to the face. That seemed to mute the both of them because they hadn’t spoken since. Her mother resorted to fussing around or about Torian, but had completely stopped talking directly to her. So, Torian was dead set on leaving for the Air Force and not even telling her mom.
And almost as if on cue with her thoughts, she heard her mom come in on a typical tirade that she was so famously known for. And of course the sole recipient of said rampages was Torian and Torian only.
From the other side of the wall Torian heard her shouting. “Damn, I am tired of this grown ass bitch sitting in my house all day that don’t do nothing! She could at least wash the fucking dishes. But do she do that? Naw. She sittin’ her high yella ass around all day watching damn tv in the air conditioner running up my got damn light bill!”
Pressing her ear to the wood paneled trailer wall, Torian listened and heard dishes clamoring and water running.
She thought to herself it could only be a couple of dishes tops. She had cleaned the kitchen that morning. If anything was in there it'd have to be one to two cups tops that Victor or Viv must've dirtied. Torian rolled her eyes and reasoned that they should have cleaned the dishes themselves. She closed her eyes tightly, one more night she said willing them to stay closed and forcing herself into her final night of rest under her mom’s roof. She wouldn’t even have dinner she decided. She’d rather go hungry than even see her face one last time.
June 13, 1999
No goodbyes for Torian and her mother would be shared. Truthfully it pained her, but she tried to make the best of it. Her mom was working at the moment and her recruiter was due there any minute. Her little sister, Viv was outside playing with Ms. Robby’s granddaughter, so hopefully she wouldn’t mind watching Viv until their mom got home. But it wasn’t Tori’s problem anyway she decided, getting her bag and placing it on the front porch. She had put all that she owned, which wasn’t much, in one of her grandma’s old suitcases that rolled and she felt like she was all set. She wrote her mama a note and placed it on the mirror of her vanity in her bedroom. She left the dishes in the sink and smiled because she knew her mom would be pissed because the brown friends she was trying to get rid of would have a field day after she turned off the lights. She pulled the door shut and locked it and darted down the steps to Ms. Robby's.
“Knock, knock, comin’ in”, she announced while simultaneously walking into the back door of Ms. Robby’s trailer. “Hey, Ms. Robby how you doing?”
“Hey baby, I’m fine. Come on in and sit down. I forgot to give you a grad-you-ration present baby. Junior, look in my purse and get me a ten dollar bill to give to Toe-rin”, Ms. Robby said.
Ms. Robby always left out the a in the pronunciation of her name, Torian thought smiling at the kind woman. She’d never bothered to correct her because it was never a big
deal.
Junior handed Ms. Robby her purse and ran right outside, breezing right passed Torian almost knocking her down.
“Boy I done told you bout running in this house, take yo tail outside with all that”, Ms. Robby yelled behind him. “Sit on down girl and relax yo’ feet.”
Fidgeting with her hands that held the key, Torian said, “I can’t I gotta go. I came over here to ask you if Viv can stay til my momma gets off.”
“Oh yea baby she can stay, you know I don’t mind.”
“And here is my key. Can you give it to my momma, please ma’am", Torian asked and placed the key into Ms. Robby's hand.
Ms. Robby frowned and turned her mouth up at Torian. “Just where you going where you ain’t gone need yo’ key? You act like you ain’t coming back.”
“I’m not” Torian said cheery with pride.
“Well, where you going”, Ms. Robby inquired.
“My recruiter is picking me up. I’m going into the Air Force”, Torian announced her pride still on display as she spoke.
“Oh you gone be a soldier”, Ms. Robby smiled. “Well I know they letting women in now, but they got a lot of women getting raped and all kinds of mess going on in there. You be careful girl.”
Torian grinned while speaking and said, “I will, Ms. Robby”
“Here take this, for ya present”, she said holding out the ten dollar bill. “I’m so proud of you.” She grabbed Torian’s hand and stroked it. “You aint gone wind up just pregnant and laying on your back for a check like these other girls do, you gone go get yo own life. That’s alright baby.”
Her support and being proud made Torian feel good. She knew what folks around there thought about here. She didn’t bother anyone and as anonymous as she’d tried to be, she still got whispers and under handed comments about her dad. Sometimes she would fight sometimes she wouldn’t after growing tired of fighting in the name of someone she didn’t even know.
“Beep, beep”, her recruiters horned called from outside.
She walked outside and Viv was glaring at her, just like their mother would, Torian thought as she darted up to the porch to get her bag.
“Where you going”, Viv demanded again her resemblance to their mother shone as she used a voice and tone just like their mom.
Torian rolled her eyes. Viv got on her nerves so bad, not just at that moment, but always. She talked to Torian exactly how their mother did with dissent in her voice. Torian couldn’t wait to have a room to herself and not have to bunk with Viv's little, grown, attitudinal ass.
“I’m leaving”, she finally answered.
Still with the boldness and gumption of their mother, Viv gave a grimacing glare and asked, “To go where."
It was bad enough that her voice sounded just like a voice their mama would use, but it was even worse that she was standing with her hand on her hip looking just like her. Tori's mom and sister both shared the exact same eyes, gorgeous deep brown smooth skin and a strangely thin almost none existent top lip. The bridge of Viv’s nose was more like her daddy, Victor's than their mother's wide nose though.
Torian returned a grimace equaling and challenging Viv's. “To mind my business lil girl, now mind yours", Torian barked in an attempt to silence her pesky little sister.
Viv looked up at her with sleepy sad looking eyes. Tori felt bad, so she went ahead and told her. “I’m going into the Air Force.”
“The Air Force, you mean you gone fly planes”, Jennifer, Ms. Robby’s granddaughter interjected.
“Yea, I’m gone fly planes”, Torian lied, just to get them off of her back.
“Well…. goodbye”, Tori said, grabbing Viv by her waist and pulling her close to give her a hug. Viv was totally unfazed though. She was only eight so Tori guessed that the gravity of her words were totally lost on Viv. But conversely, maybe she was truly just like their mama and genuinely didn’t care, who knows, Torian thought.
“You wanna ride bikes Jenni”, Viv asked, directing her attention to Jenny and pulling away from Tori.
“Ooh yea”, Jennifer squealed excitedly, and they jumped on their bikes and rode off.
Torian looked on and watched them briefly before hopping into the passenger seat. As the two jumped on their bikes and coasted down the hill with their puffs blowing in wind, Torian couldn’t help but feel somewhat envious of them. She kind of wished Ms. Robby had a grandkid her age. Viv and Jenni were best friends. Viv got to do all the things Tori never did. She and Jenni would spend the night with each other all the time. They fussed like cats and dogs, but would make up twenty minutes later. Even though they got on Tori's last nerve, she always thought that was cute about them. It’s not the same when you get older. Friends, associates whatever you want to call them, don’t do anything but tell your business and dog you behind your back, Torian thought while rolling the window down. At least that’s what she'd seen with every clique of friends at her high school anyway. But Viv and Jenni were buds right now, in the friend sense and the flower sense. Tori kept her gaze locked on the two daisies as they continued to ride up and down the slanted road that their trailers were off of.
She rolled the window down completely and threw her hand out in vain, because nobody was there to receive her goodbye. As they moved down the road though, the Georgia Pines answered her, waving goodbye as the wind disrupted their stillness, swaying their branches along. That would have to do it she told herself. Goodbye Georgia.
