I was afraid this would happen. That’s one of the reasons why I didn’t want to tell Zoe in the first place, but I’m glad I got it out of the way. I feel less alone in all this.
A few minutes later, I walk in to my gray office. I check my emails and go about my day. Ted pops his head into my office. He’s wearing a smiley face tie today.
His eyes are wide. He stares at me for a second.
“Wow!”
“Wow?”
“Your hair.”
“Oh.”
“I think it looks great.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I never pictured you as a blonde, but it works.”
“Thanks.”
“By the way, how’s that report coming?”
I hesitate. For once, I haven’t gotten an early start on something work-related. There’s been so much going on that it completely slipped my mind. I flash a big smile.
“I’ll have it ready by tomorrow.”
“We need it by the end of the day.”
“I know, Ted. I’ll see what I can do.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. Totally fine.”
“Okie dokie. Me and a couple of the guys are getting takeout from the diner. I don’t even know why I’m bothering to ask you but …”
“Actually, I’d love some.”
“Seriously? You didn’t pack your lunch today?”
“Nope.”
“Just email Tim what you want. He’s heading over there at about 12:30.”
“Thanks.”
He walks out, and I stare at my laptop screen. For the first time in forever I don’t feel like working. It’s not like I was ever crazy about this job, but I’m sure that I’m the most efficient employee ever to walk through these doors. I pride myself on that.
But everything is different now. Who gives a fuck about quality control reports, when I’m dying of some difficult-to-pronounce disease? And, on top of that, I’m kind of falling for a sexy motorcycle dude who has fucked me more times than I can count, and I still don’t know his last name.
I’m starting to get a little paranoid though. I didn’t hear from Angelo at all yesterday. That’s a first. We usually always keep in touch, even if it’s just a quick text. Has he lost interest already?
That was quick, but, for all I know, that could be a record for him. What if he’s just one of those guys who goes through women like Kleenex. That’s a gross thought.
Just then, my phone buzzes. A new text. It’s from Angelo. Yay!
Hey, sorry I missed you yesterday. I was so busy.
Busy doing what? Should I ask? Maybe I don’t want to know the answer. He could have been out on a date with another woman, and driving her crazy with that amazing cock of his.
And would I be hurt? Hell yeah! But it’s not like I have the right to be. We’re not exclusive. We’re not anything, really. I guess I’ll go with option number two—sweet, blissful ignorance.
Hey.
It sucks when I have to work on Sundays. I couldn’t get out of it.
I sigh. Relieved. I get so carried away sometimes. The man was working! I need to stop getting worked up over meaningless shit. Sometime between now and me ending up in a coma, I’ll figure it out.
Do you have to work THIS weekend?
No.
Are you asking me out?
Yes! Let’s skydive!
I’m all in.
Actually, I was just kidding. But why not?
Cool.
Did I just ask him to skydive with me? That’s so random. But it seems like that’s exactly what I’m in the mood for.
***
On Saturday morning, I’m riding on the back of Angelo’s motorcycle. He pulls into the parking lot of a private air-strip. I was going to go to take us to Skydive World but Angelo said he knew a guy. My heart is beating fast. I already regret it. But it’s too late to back out. So far, the only thing I know about skydiving is that it isn’t cheap. Skydive World online was pure extortion.
Everything happens pretty quickly. There’s a guy with a crew cut blabbing about safety. Safety? It’s almost laughable. We’re jumping out of a fucking plane! Angelo doesn’t seem concerned in the least, he seems to be friends with them or something. Me? I’m considering a change of underwear.
And up we go. We’re in the airplane now. Angelo and I are with two skydive instructors. His partner is a woman with freckles. My partner is Mr. Crew Cut.
As we gain altitude, my fear rises. But I doubt I’ll pee on myself because I went a few minutes ago. Now, it’s up for debate if something comes out of the other end.
It’s loud. I can’t hear much. I hold Angelo’s hand. This was a terrible idea. Why couldn’t we just go for a quiet walk in the park? And just like that, Angelo and his partner take the plunge.
Then, Crew Cut turns to me.
“Ready?”
Hell no! But let’s get this over with. I slowly nod. We’re harnessed together so if I die, he’ll die, too. Here goes! We walk to the ledge.
I look out. The ground seems a million miles away. My heart is pounding. I’m probably about to faint. Instinctively, I close my eyes before taking the plunge.
I scream, as the wind hits my face. I’m sure my skin is stretched back like a cartoon character. I feel like I’m flying. This is actually kind of fun. Okay, if I die, at least it will be exciting.
We’re surrounded by blue skies and fluffy white clouds. We’re easily going over 100 miles per hour. This is wild! Our chute ejects. I look down and see that Angelo and his partner have landed safely. Now it’s our turn.
Crew Cut is a pro. We touch the ground, and I feel both relieved and amazed. Angelo gives me the thumbs up. I still can’t believe I did this. Me! Cathy Andrews, just went skydiving! What’s next?
After we change out of our gear, Angelo and I grab some water.
“Did you like it?”
“I thought I was going to hyperventilate, but it was fun. What did you think?”
“I loved it. Wanna go again?”
“Today?”
“I’m down if you are.”
I laugh. “Are you serious, Angelo?”
“There’s one thing I’m serious about …”
He kisses me and wraps his arm around my waist. It’s electric. I’m still literally high off of the skydive and now this. It’s way too much stimulation for one day.
I pull away from him and look deep into his hazel eyes. This man is beyond amazing. I’m truly at a loss for words.
“What are you thinking?”
I shrug.
“Tell me.”
I wish I could say that I think I’m falling for him. But that would be a big mistake. For one thing, he might not feel that way about me. And even worse, what if he does? That would complicate what’s left of my short life.
“Nothing …”
“Don’t try to pull that nothing on me.”
I smile and shake my head.
“Really. I wasn’t thinking anything except …”
“Except what?”
“Are you hungry?”
“That’s what you’ve been building up to ask me?”
I nod.
“Sure. Where do you wanna go?”
“Let’s just stop at the first place we see.”
“You’re so damn adventurous. I love it.”
“Let me qualify that … the first place that’s not fast food or Golden Corral.”
He laughs as we walk back to his bike. “You’re too good for the $9.99 buffet?”
“I didn’t say that… Fuck it. Yes! I am too good for the $9.99 buffet, and so are you.”
“You sure you don’t wanna look on your phone for a place? I don’t really know anything around here.”
“Just ride, baby! We’ll find something.”
“Worst case … we’ll hit White Castle.”
I cut my eyes at him. He smiles as we hop onto his motorcycle. As we ride down the street, I’m exhilarated.
This is the most fun I’ve had in my life. And Angelo is a big reason why.
But that’s not the complete picture. I feel myself letting go of the old ways that defined me. I used to find such comfort in routines and structure. Now, that I see what it’s like to walk on the other side, I realize that Zoe was right. There was a whole world I was missing out on.
It was fear that kept me so confined. If you don’t take risks, you never have to make an ass of yourself. And vulnerability has never come easily for me.
But understanding mortality changed me so much. I don’t think about anything the same way. And that probably has to do with what the disease is doing to my brain. I feel different because I am different.
There will be more changes to come. I try not to dwell on that. I just want to take it one moment at a time. This is all new for me. I used to plan out my meals and snacks two months in advance!
There’s a restaurant in the distance. It’s called Edna’s Kitchen. Seems like the sort of place that’s been around since vinyl records were all the rage.
Angelo parks in the lot. We climb off his bike. I have finally mastered the art of taking off my helmet. I hand it to him.
“Hopefully the food is decent.”
“I’m getting good vibes from this place.”
“Good vibes?”
I smile at him. He’s starting to talk like Zoe now.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“There you go again.”
“It’s nothing. Really.”
He holds the door for me as we walk inside. I love that about Angelo. He fucks my brains out, but he’s still a gentleman. The perfect combination. I will enjoy this ride as long as it lasts.
This place has checkered, tiled floors and a jukebox. There are a few old men sitting at the counter, drinking coffee. They look like they’re affixed to the furniture.
A middle-aged woman with big hair comes out of the kitchen with a coffee pot. She waves at us.
“Grab a seat anywhere you like, and I’ll be right with you.”
Angelo takes me by the hand, and we head to a booth by the window. The menus are already there inside of a metal holder. I pick mine up and turn through the pages. Greasy. Fried. Smothered. Oh yeah!
“I bet they even put gravy on the salad here.”
“You’re ordering salad?”
“Don’t know yet. You?”
“Can’t go wrong with steak.”
“True.”
The waitress walks over to us.
“Can I get you folks started with something to drink?”
“Water is fine.”
“You got any beer on tap?”
“Sorry, sweetheart. We don’t serve alcohol. Working on that license though.”
“Alright then iced tea.”
She nods.
“I think I’ll have an iced tea, too.”
“Okay. You ready to order yet?”
“How’s the chicken salad?”
Angelo looks at me as if to say, Really?
“It’s fine, if you like salad. Most folks don’t come here for the salad though.”
“I’m just kidding. Let me try the alligator sandwich.”
“Sure thing. And for you?”
Angelo’s gives me a sly look. “You’re really going to eat that?”
“Why not?”
The waitress nods.
“It’s mighty tasty. The owner is from New Orleans. It’s sort of a specialty down there, so he added it to the menu.”
“Oh.”
“You wanna try that?”
“No thanks. I’ll have the steak. Medium rare.”
“Okay. One steak and one alligator sandwich, coming right up.”
She walks back to behind the counter. Angelo stares at me.
“Alligator sandwich. Wow.”
“I felt like trying something different.”
“You know what?”
“What’s that?”
“You amaze me, Cathy.”
“Because I’m about to eat swamp food?”
“No. It’s everything about you. Everything. From the first night we met until now.”
“Everything in a bad way?”
He laughs. “I’m so used to women holding back. You’re so … real. You just put it all out there. You walked up to me and asked me to take you home. You didn’t even know who I was.”
I look around, slightly embarrassed, hoping these busy bodies didn’t hear that. But fuck it. What difference does it make? I’m sure anybody in here would ask Angelo to take them home!
“And then, we hung out, and you went skinny dipping with me. Hell, we just went skydiving. I’ve never met anyone who’s more alive than you.”
I struggle to keep it together. Alive? If he only knew how far off base he was. I wish to God this place served alcohol. I need a tequila right now.
“And you make me feel alive, Cathy. Whenever I get a text or a call from you, it just makes my whole day better. I know we just met, and it might be too soon for this conversation.”
If I wasn’t months away from certain death, I would love where this is going. But I just can’t right now. I swallow the tears in my throat.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that … I could see a future with you. We’re not in junior high, so I’m not gonna say something corny like, ‘Let’s go steady,’ but …”
“Angelo, excuse me. I need to make a quick phone call.”
He frowns as I stand up and walk away from the table. A tear falls the moment I have my back to him. I hurry outside and fumble with my phone. I know he can see me. He probably thinks I’m bat-shit crazy. It might be true.
I pretend to make a call. I talk into the receiver. My voice shakes because I’m all emotional. A couple walks into the restaurant. The woman makes eye contact with me.
“You okay?”
I nod and turn my back on her. I take a deep breath and come to the conclusion … that I have to end things with Angelo tonight. Whatever this is cannot continue under any circumstances.
I know I’m not strong enough to tell him the truth about my condition. I barely made it through that conversation with my best friend. And I don’t want him to feel sorry for me. There’s nothing desirable about pity.
It wouldn’t be fair for him to stand by and watch me slip away. But then again, none of this shit is fair. We have to stop seeing each other. Damn, I’m going to miss everything about him. His hazel eyes. His conversations. His kisses. The way he feels inside me. But I have to remind myself that it’s for the best.
I gather my composure and walk back into the restaurant. Our iced teas are on the table. Angelo studies my face.
“Everything okay?”
“Actually, it’s not. I need to go.”
“Right now?”
“I’m sorry. I can call an Uber.”
“No way. I’ll take you home.”
“Just stay and enjoy the food. I’ll be fine. It’s sort of an emergency.”
Chapter Fourteen
It’s Monday. I’m awake before the alarm as usual but for a very different reason. I didn’t sleep at all last night. I just keep replaying that awkward goodbye to Angelo in my head. It was an absolute disaster. Of course he wasn’t going to just let me leave like that…and with an Uber. The combination of bullshit I came up with in the end must’ve frustrated him so much, by the end he probably just said “fuck it, go.” I can’t even remember half of what I said.
Oh, and, speaking of my head, the migraine is back. I really could use some scotch, but I probably shouldn’t drink and drive, and I definitely shouldn’t drink and write quality control manuals.
I take a deep breath and get out of bed. The sun is out. The gorgeous weather seems to be mocking me. I don’t get it. Why couldn’t I have met Angelo years ago?
But then again, there’s no way it ever would have happened. I was too guarded back then. Angelo claims I’m the most adventurous woman he’s ever met. The old me woul
d have been invisible in his eyes. Those gorgeous hazel eyes …
I miss him so much. It was so weird the way we parted ways, but I had to do it. I can tell he’s getting as attached to me, and I can’t deny that I’m getting attached to him! This is something I never planned on.
I kind of wish he would have given me the wrong number. Then I wouldn’t be so miserable right now. And he’s not making it easy to walk away at all.
He texted me five times and called twice since we last saw each other at the restaurant. It’s so hard to ignore Angelo. I’m dying to reach out and tell him how I feel.
But that’s the only thing I need to focus on now. Dying. I am literally dying. And I refuse to pull Angelo into a world that is fast becoming a sappy Lifetime movie. But I know for certain this one won’t have a happy ending.
I head to the kitchen and start the coffee maker. Then, I pour myself a glass of water and take my meds. The sun is so bright that it’s blinding. I squint my eyes as I stand by the window.
Across the street is an elderly couple walking their dog. They have gray hair. The dog has gray hair. All three of them look old enough to remember when a loaf of bread was a nickel.
The sight of it brings me to the verge of tears. I know I will never grow old with anyone. I won’t even grow old. It’s time for me to live in the real world and stop chasing these fantasies, though, and that includes Angelo.
I should block him on my cell phone, but I just can’t bring myself to do that. Maybe I’ll ask Zoe to do it for me. Any good friend would. Right?
I pour myself a big cup of coffee. With each sip, I actually feel my energy slipping away. I want to crawl back into bed and spend the whole day crying over Angelo.
But no. I shall take my ass to work. Let me be productive again. I’ll welcome any distraction. And I will spend the entire day not paying attention to my phone. I’ll silence it, so I won’t hear his calls or texts, if he even bothers to try to contact me again.
For all I know he might have blocked me by now. I wouldn’t blame him. I know he has to think that I’m very bizarre. Perhaps on the borderline of being mentally unstable. He might be right.
I take a shower and put on my suit. I head outside to my car and immediately start sweating. It’s a sauna out here. I turn on the AC and the radio, as I drive to work.
Dieting Makes Cathy Crazy Page 11
