by Liz Eeles
I cover my face with my hands and listen to the ticking of the clock on the mantelpiece. The clock was left to me by my parents, who never really got on with Malcolm. They made an effort but he was always too busy to spend much time with them and always seemed slightly distant when he did.
When I look up, Malcolm has resumed his pacing, up and down in front of me.
‘Go on, then, what else do you want to say?’ he says, puffing out air like he’s giving birth. ‘You’d better get it all out.’
‘She’s so young, Malcolm. You’re old enough to be her dad, for goodness’ sake. And she works here. Were you so desperate you had to hit on the staff?’
‘I wasn’t desperate,’ says Malcolm, jutting out his bottom lip. ‘I’m sorry, Flora. I really am. But, at the end of the day, it’s your fault.’
He stops pacing as my mouth drops open.
‘What on earth are you talking about? How can you kissing Marina be my fault? I didn’t force you to stand there with your hand on her backside and your tongue down her throat.’
‘There’s no need to be unpleasant, Flora.’ Malcolm runs his hands through his dyed hair until it’s standing up on end. ‘It’s that damn bookshop and café of yours. You’re there all the time and, even when you’re home, you talk about nothing else. It’s all books and coffee, this, and Callie and Honeyford, that.’
‘That’s not fair, Malcolm. You bang on endlessly about the restaurant.’
‘That’s different. The restaurant is my career. The bookshop and café are your…’
‘My what?’ I say, standing up and daring him to finish his sentence.
Malcolm’s mouth turns down at the corners. ‘Your hobby, Flora. And a damned expensive hobby at that.’
‘Hobby?’ Ooh, I’ve gone all high-pitched again, and Malcolm takes a step back. ‘I’m working fifty hours a week to get my business on a good footing. You work at least that many hours here in the restaurant, and I don’t complain.’
‘Because it’s a different thing entirely. Look, I’m not trying to say my work is more important than yours. Not really. But it’s hardly a career, is it – selling books and coffee in a tiddly little town where the locals are weird. You belong here, with me. Not with them.’
‘The people in Honeyford are not weird.’
‘Really? What about that old bloke who ties himself to stuff?’
I should never have told him about Stanley’s protest which involved chaining himself to a tree he wanted to save from being axed.
Malcolm rubs his stomach as though he’s been punched. ‘And what about that nervous goth girl who scuttles about in the café?’
‘Are you referring to Becca? She suffers from anxiety but she’s come on leaps and bounds since she started working in The Cosy Kettle. She’s brilliant and kind, and I couldn’t cope without her.’
Picking up my glass, I take a huge swig of gin and wonder why we’re talking about my job, rather than Malcolm’s infidelity. He’s always been rather good at manipulating situations to his advantage. He’s always been rather good at manipulating me, I realise, as the small tremors I’ve been feeling recently start building into a swell.
‘So what are you going to do now?’ asks Malcolm in the truculent voice he uses on the rare occasions when he’s unsure of himself.
It’s a fair question but I don’t know the answer. Not yet. What do people do when the person they trust and rely on most in the world turns out to be deceiving them, and everything suddenly becomes shaky and unreal?
‘First, I need you to tell me exactly what’s been going on.’
I pull my shoulders back because the truth is going to hurt. Though not as much as the ‘truth’ I’ll make up if Malcolm doesn’t fill in the blanks. I’m already imagining Marina rubbing her lithe young body along my husband’s as she whispers ‘Malcy’ in his ear.
Malcolm sighs and tugs his shirt away from his damp armpits. ‘It’s the age-old story, Flora. I felt neglected and Marina took advantage of the situation and threw herself at me.’
‘Marina took advantage of you?’
‘Sort of.’ Malcolm has the good grace to look embarrassed. ‘OK, I was flattered when she flirted with me and I let things get out of hand. I admit that I made a mistake and I’m sorry, Flora. I really am. But, let’s face it, this could turn out to be a good thing – a wake-up call that brings us closer together.’
He moves towards me and places his hand on my arm. His fingers are hot and clammy on my bare skin.
‘I thought we were close already,’ I say, pulling my arm away. ‘You’ve been deceiving me, Malcolm, and that’s the hardest thing to take. The lying has to stop if our relationship has any chance of surviving this, so I need you to be completely straight with me now.’ I draw in a deep breath and swallow loudly. ‘Have you and Marina slept together?’
‘Absolutely not,’ he says, shaking his head vigorously. ‘I’ve been a fool, Flora, but I would never betray you like that. You have to believe me. I got fed up with not seeing so much of you and I was weak and kissed Marina a couple of times. But you’re the only woman for me. You must know that.’
He tilts his head to one side and opens his eyes wide, like he does when he’s trying to be sincere. And I so want to believe him. I want to believe that throwing away two decades of shared history over a few foolish kisses would be ridiculous. My life has been intertwined with his for so long, I’ve forgotten what me minus Malcolm is like.
He was almost a decade older than me when we first met in a nightclub that had sticky carpets and a faint aroma of vomit. He was confident and ambitious, while I was shy and insecure, and he completely bowled me over. We fell in love quickly and I went straight from my parents’ house to Malcolm’s; we were married a couple of years later. I’m forty-two years old now, and I’ve never lived on my own. Is that a bit pathetic?
‘Come on, Flora. What do you think?’ urges Malcolm.
‘I don’t know what to think about any of this. I feel so shocked and hurt.’
When my anger evaporates and tears start dribbling down my cheeks, Malcolm steps forward and puts his arm around me. He smells of sweat but I bury my head in his chest anyway and sob. He feels so solid and familiar and safe. As my sobs turn into shallow gasps, a hair on his shirt is sucked into my mouth. Urgh. When I pull it from my lips, it’s long, blonde and twisted like a corkscrew.
‘How am I supposed to trust you, Malcolm?’ I break away from him and drop the hair, which spirals down onto the rug.
‘I’ve told you the absolute truth,’ he insists. ‘It was just a stupid kiss. That’s all. I promise. You’re the only woman for me, Flora.’
His eyes meet mine, imploring me to believe him. I usually end up doing what Malcolm wants, partly because I can’t be bothered to argue and partly because I don’t normally mind. But, this time, I walk past him into the bedroom without a word and shut the door. I need time to think.
It’s only when I’m sitting on the bed that I realise my hands are shaking. I lie back against the pillows and try not to look at the wedding photo in a polished wooden frame on my bedside table. Malcolm promised to love and honour me, not a twenty-something blonde who was probably still in nappies on my wedding day.
I try to empty my mind and get some perspective, but images of Malcolm and Marina keep coming. His big hands on her tiny waist; her head against his chest; his mouth latched onto hers as though he’s sucking the life force out of her. Love, honour and betray. Reaching out my hand, I give the back of the photo frame a hefty whack and it falls, face down, with a clatter.
Malcolm’s obviously in the wrong. He’s a big fat cheat. But am I also at fault, for taking on the shop and café against his advice? I close my eyes and bite down hard on my bottom lip. Was I kidding myself when I thought I could have something in my life that was my own?
In the end, I must have fallen asleep because, when I open my eyes, dark shadows are tracked across the bedroom floor and the background hum of rush-hour traffic
has disappeared. Beneath me I can hear the sounds of a busy kitchen – saucepans banging on the hob, the metallic ring of knives falling onto tiles, and the urgent tones of our highly strung chef, Pierre.
For one blissful moment, I think the last couple of hours were a dream and everything’s as it should be. Malcolm’s downstairs in the restaurant, all handsome and efficient in his suit, and I’ll join him in a moment to help with anything that’s needed. But then I spot our wedding photo, face down, and reality hits me in the heart. I feel horribly sick, as though the betrayal has solidified into a lump in my stomach. Pushing myself up on the bed, I pile the pillows behind me, and take slow, deep breaths.
Life was good in Yorkshire, where we ran a city restaurant for several years. Well, Malcolm ran it and I helped out in the evenings after the daytime office job I took on to boost our income. We felt a part of the community and I had friends I could go out with to the pub or cinema.
Down here in the Cotswolds, I’ve been so busy I’ve not had time to make many friends. There’s Callie, of course, who I ‘inherited’ when I took over the bookshop. She’d already been working there for a couple of years and proved to be a total godsend. I couldn’t have sorted out the shop or set up the café without her. But she’s younger than me and we don’t have enough shared history to be the kind of friends who share their lives, warts and all. In any case, she’s loved up with Noah, her old boyfriend who’s moved back into town, and my woes might burst her happy bubble.
Hey, Callie, you think your romance will last forever, but just you wait. Look at me, over forty, heading for perimenopausal, and cast aside in favour of a younger model.
Honestly, I’ve never felt this alone. Not even when I spent birthdays on my tod because staff shortages in the restaurant meant Malcolm had to work at the last minute and cancel our plans.
I pick up the wedding photo and run my finger over the couple smiling back at me. Malcolm looks suave and assured, standing on the steps of the register office in his blue suit, but I look slightly self-conscious in my knee-length white dress. Mum and Dad were hoping I’d marry in church and I wouldn’t have minded, but Malcolm said a register office would do just as well. He was already saving money to open his own restaurant and baulked at the extra expense of a church wedding, even though Mum and Dad said they’d cover what they could.
What would my parents think of my marriage going up in flames over a couple of stupid kisses? Would they blame me for getting above myself and thinking I could run my own business?
I stretch and pad into the empty flat. The restaurant comes first with Malcolm so he’ll be down there right now, working side by side with Marina and hopefully fighting off her rabid advances.
It’s the betrayal of trust that hurts the most.
I wander into the bathroom with its matching basins and pat cold water on my puffy eyes. Have I let myself go? Is that why my husband is kissing a younger woman in the cold room?
I stare at my pale face in the mirror and sigh. I’m not a raving beauty – I’ve never been pretty-pretty like Marina – but my violet eyes and black hair mean I’m striking. I rub my hands over my face and brush my hair with hard, brisk strokes. I look as though I’m recovering from a nasty bout of flu, but I need to go downstairs and sort out this mess.
The restaurant isn’t busy, Mondays rarely are, though business is picking up as long summer days draw more tourists to beautiful Oxford. Three couples are eating, placed near the window so we look busier than we are. And two women in short skirts are drinking cocktails at the bar and laughing at a joke. But there’s no sign of Malcolm. Or Marina.
When I walk past the bar, Johnny stops pouring vodka into a sugar-rimmed glass and gives me a sympathetic smile.
Oh God. They all know.
I quicken my pace and scoot through the kitchen, which is blessedly quiet this evening. Pierre throws regular hissy fits about… well, everything. He reckons it’s because he’s a brilliant creative luminary, while I reckon it’s because he’s a spoiled drama queen. But his cooking is to die for so we put up with his volcanic eruptions.
Tonight, he’s quietly pan-frying fish while Freddie, in the corner, is prepping another mountain of veg. Malcolm is nowhere to be seen, but the door to the back yard is slightly ajar and I can hear the low murmur of voices.
As I get closer, I realise that one of the voices is Malcolm’s. Is it wrong to eavesdrop on your husband? It can’t be worse than snogging a girl young enough to be your daughter behind your wife’s back. I creep to the door and peep through the crack. Malcolm is outside, puffing on a cigarette though I thought he’d given up smoking ages ago. I’m beginning to think I don’t know my husband very well at all.
‘You’ve just got to keep your head down for a while,’ says Malcolm, before taking another drag on his cigarette. The tip of it burns red in the courtyard gloom.
‘How can I keep out of sight when I work here?’ says Marina, stepping out of the shadows. ‘Are you ashamed of me, Malcy?’
‘Of course not. It’s just that Flora’s upset right now and it’s best to let things settle down. She’s had a shock.’
‘Why did she come home so early?’ whines Marina. ‘Do you think she suspected something and came back early on purpose? I told you I lost an earring yesterday but you just ignored me. Flora probably found it under the bed and put two and two together.’
Malcolm’s reply is drowned out by blood pulsing in my ears: he lied to me. Malcolm and Marina have slept together. And worse than that – if anything can be worse than your husband cheating on you and then brazenly lying to your face about it – they did it in our bed. The bed I slept in last night.
Of course they did, you idiot, says the voice in my head. Malcolm’s hardly likely to turn down the chance of getting his end away with a young woman who’s smoking hot, rather than hurtling towards hot flushes.
I stumble away from the door and through the restaurant. Johnny calls out to me from the bar but I carry on walking. The man I trusted most in the world has deceived me, and the future I saw stretching ahead of us has disappeared. But at least there’s no dithering now about what happens next.
Standing in our bedroom, with our biggest suitcase open on the bed, I start throwing things in. The last time we used this case was when we went to Venice for a second honeymoon to celebrate twenty years of marriage. How ironic that it’s now being used as our marriage ends.
In go a few changes of clothes, toiletries, make-up, a framed photo of my parents, underwear, and the box of tissues by the bed. I’m going to need those. Last of all, I pack my pyjamas. As I smooth them into the top of the case, I wonder if Malcolm lost interest in me because of them. They’re sleeveless and pretty with pale blue butterflies picked out across grey satin, but no one would describe them as sexy. When exactly, I wonder, did I decide it was too cold at night to sleep without PJs?
‘This is not your fault, Flora,’ I say out loud, closing the lid of the suitcase and snapping the locks shut with a satisfying clunk. This situation is Malcolm’s fault, rather than mine for not sleeping naked.
Hauling the case off the bed almost gives me a hernia. Wow, I thought the boxes of books delivered to the shop were heavy. This feels like a case of lead weights – it must be the shoes. I open the case, take out my trainers and ankle boots and throw them into a corner of the room. Sandals will be fine for this time of year, and who knows where I’ll be by the time autumn starts painting the leaves gold and rain clouds bunch over the hills?
When I drag the case down the stairs, it thuds on every step and takes a chunk out of the skirting board at the bottom. As I wheel it through the restaurant, which is busier now, people look up from their meals and stare at me. Marina also glances up from the bar where she’s serving a customer and her baby-blue eyes open wide.
‘Flora?’ Malcolm is suddenly at my side. ‘What are you doing?’ he hisses, giving a wide, toothy grin to everyone in the restaurant.
‘What does it look like, Malcy? I
’m leaving you.’ That came out rather loudly but I don’t care.
‘Keep your voice down!’ Malcolm follows me to the front door and almost shoves me through it into the narrow pedestrianised street that fronts the restaurant. He’s desperate to keep up appearances, even as his marriage collapses around him.
It’s a warm evening and people are sitting at tables outside the bistro a few doors down. Young couples are laughing and gazing into each other’s eyes. They think their love will last forever. Poor deluded fools.
One young woman glances up from the ice cream she’s sharing with her boyfriend and stares at me.
‘Look where you’ll end up in twenty years’ time,’ I call out, before turning my back to hide the deep blush I can feel rising up from my neck. Blimey, one emotional upset and I’ve morphed from a sensible bookseller into a woman who shouts at random strangers in the street.
‘What are you doing and what’s going on?’ says Malcolm, stepping in front of me. ‘I know you’re upset but this is totally over the top. Don’t throw away all we’ve worked for over one stupid kiss.’
‘What about the earring?’
Malcolm looks pale in the street light that’s reflecting off the restaurant window. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ he blusters.
‘Oh, I think you do, Malcolm. It was under the bed.’
‘You found an earring there?’ he splutters. ‘It must be one of yours.’
‘It’s not. It’s Marina’s.’
Malcolm’s swallow is more of a gulp. ‘There’s a good explanation.’
‘Which is?’
‘Um.’ I can almost hear the cogs in Malcolm’s stressed brain whirring. ‘Marina came up to the flat to tell me we were out of… butter and I was sitting on the bed tying my shoelaces so she came in and sat by me for a minute and that’s when her earring must have fallen out.’
If his story wasn’t so pathetic, I’d laugh. When I take a step forwards, Malcolm’s hands move to cup his genitals, as though I’m about to knee him. It hadn’t even crossed my mind, though in the circumstances…
