by Alexa Land
“I can’t even imagine you growing up out here in the country. You’re just so—”
“Genteel?” I flashed him a big smile.
He grinned at me and said, “I was going to say cosmopolitan.”
“I like to think of myself as the ultimate self-made man. I became who I am by choice, not because of my upbringing.”
“I love the fact that you and your parents are so close, even though you couldn’t be more different.”
“I just adore them. Neither one has a cruel bone in their body, and I never had to wonder if I was loved. They just put it all out there.” I glanced at him and added, “I know they’re a lot to take if you’re not used to them. Thanks for being a good sport about all their eccentricities.”
“I like them, actually a lot more than I expected. It’s great that they’re so accepting of your sexuality, especially given where they’re from. They didn’t even bat an eye at the fact that you just brought a man home. They also were nice enough not to mention the fact that I look like I’m older than both of them.”
“You do not,” I said. “All three of you could pass for thirty.”
“Which is weird in their case, since that’s almost how old their son is.”
“Yeah, they’ve never looked or acted their age.”
Lorie glanced at me and asked, “Have you ever wished they were different?”
“I did when I was little,” I admitted. “All I wanted was to blend in, and they just don’t. But when I got older, I realized I had two choices when it came to my parents. I could be mortified and try to distance myself from them, or I could accept them, just like they’ve always accepted me. I went with the latter. Although I’d be lying if I said they didn’t drive me nuts sometimes.”
“Of course they do. All families are like that, to some degree or another.”
A few minutes later, we rounded a curve in the dirt road, and I smiled and said, “This is what I wanted to show you. It was my very favorite place when I was a kid.”
I’d brought him to an old wooden bridge over a slow-moving river. My timing was perfect, because the sun was just beginning to set, and the sky and water were golden. “I spent so much time here when I was growing up,” I said, as I sat down on the side of the bridge with my feet hanging over the edge. It was only about six feet to the shallow river below, so it didn’t matter that there was no railing.
Lorenzo sat down beside me and said, “This is just beautiful.”
“It’s more than that. It’s also magical.” I took the flat, round rocks out of my pocket, remnants of when the river was wide and wild and able to grind stones smooth. I also took out the piece of chalk I’d gotten from my parents’ kitchen drawer, and I said, “I don’t usually consider myself a religious person, but I feel like I’m close to something bigger than myself when I’m out here. I guess in a lot of ways, this is my church.”
“Not to change the subject,” Lorenzo said, “but I’m taking you camping this summer, even though you’ve always claimed to hate it.”
“I do hate it.”
“I promise I’ll make it fun.”
“I’ll consider it. Now pay attention, because I’m about to let you in on one of the most profound secrets in the universe. This is how I survived being bullied every day when I was a kid, by learning to let go, in a very tangible way.”
I picked up a rock and said, “Here’s how it works. You write the name of whoever hurt you, like this.” I wrote ‘Avery Bowen’ on the smooth stone with the chalk. “Then what you need to do is throw the stone as far as you can. Make sure it lands in the river. I decided that was important at some point. Anyway, the key here is intention. You’re not just throwing a rock, you’re choosing to let go of pain.”
“Okay. Anything else?”
“Before you throw it, tell it all the ways that person hurt you.” I cupped the rock between both hands and whispered to it, “You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.” I met Lorie’s gaze and said, “This last part is most important of all. Before you throw the rock, you have to forgive the person who hurt you, and you have to really mean it. That’s where the real power lies.”
I stood up and said, “I forgive you, Avery, and I’m sorry you’re so unhappy.” Then I threw the rock, and it landed with a splash in the river.
Lorenzo got up too and asked, “Do you feel any different?”
“I do. That had been weighing on me, but now I feel lighter. What happened in the past can only hurt me if I let it, and this is basically my way of saying that’s enough now.”
He stared out at the river for a while, and then he picked up a stone and the chalk. He wrote his mom’s name and forgave her for letting her prejudice come between them, and he threw it into the water.
I thought we’d be done after that, but he picked up a second stone. He just held it for a few moments, and then he wrote Javier’s name. When he lightly ran a fingertip along the stone’s edge, it almost seemed like a caress. He whispered, “I forgive you for cheating on me and breaking my heart.” After a pause, he added, “I also forgive you for dying and leaving me all alone.” That last part took me by surprise.
He tilted the stone and kissed the top of it. It reminded me of kissing the crown of someone’s head. Then he threw it as far as he could. It landed with a splash, way down the river. He stared after it for a while, and when he turned to me, there were tears in his eyes. I wrapped my arms around him, and he whispered, “Thank you. That was long overdue.”
We left the bridge hand-in-hand. The chalk and the rest of the stones I’d gathered stayed behind, for anyone else who might need them.
Even though it was still early when we got back to the house, I stuck my head into the living room and told my parents, “We’re pretty tired, so we’re going to bed. See you in the morning.”
My mom called, “Did you remember to pack condoms, Willie? If not, don’t worry. Your dad and I picked some up for you at the Walmart when we went into Shreveport last week.”
I muttered, “We’re all set, Ma, thanks,” and Lorenzo almost choked as he fought back a laugh. Then he followed me to my childhood bedroom. So did the dogs, but I told them the room was too small for all of us and made them go back to my parents.
It really was tiny. The bedroom took up one end of the original trailer, and it was so narrow that the headboard and footboard of my twin bed were pressed against opposite walls.
My parents hadn’t changed a thing after I moved out, and I hadn’t updated it since I was about sixteen. Lorie looked around and said, “Wow, this is really something.”
“I did most of this between my sophomore and junior years of high school, when I was newly committed to my acting obsession. That’s why every square inch of wall space is covered in movie posters.” I wasn’t exaggerating about it being covered. We couldn’t even see the wall or ceiling color, because the whole room was plastered top to bottom. “In case you’re wondering about some of the films on these posters, I hadn’t even seen a lot of them when I put these up. We had a tiny movie theater in town for a while, and they’d often have free posters rolled up in a can by the door. I’d grab whatever I could get my hands on, then come home and stick them on my walls, no matter what they were. There are probably five or six more layers beneath the one we’re seeing.”
“It’s an odd time capsule of movies released in, what? 2005, 2006?”
“Something like that.”
“I like it, though,” he said. “It shows a lot of passion.”
“And also, what you can do on a budget of zero dollars.”
We took off our shoes and sat at opposite ends of the small bed, facing each other. Lorenzo pretended to look serious, but then he asked, “Are we going to talk about the fact that your middle name is Delores?”
I burst out laughing and said, “I was wondering when you were going to bring that up.”
“Hey, it could have been worse.”
“How?”
“I have no idea.”
We both laughed at that. Then Lorenzo held his arms out, and I turned around and leaned against him. His held me securely and kissed the top of my head before saying, “I’m so glad you invited me to join you on this trip. I don’t think anyone could ever truly know you without understanding where you came from.”
“It means everything to me that you’re here.” He traced my forearm with his fingertip, and after a while, I said, “I hope you didn’t feel pressured to join in when we were at the river.”
“I didn’t. That was a choice I made, and it was something I should have done a long time ago. After Javier died, I was so angry at first, and I didn’t want to forgive him. I thought he didn’t deserve my forgiveness after cheating on me. But I’ve come to realize forgiving him is a gift to myself. I was the only one being hurt by carrying that pain and anger with me.”
I whispered, “It made me sad when you said you forgave him for leaving you alone.”
“His death brought up so many emotions in me. I know you’re not supposed to be mad at people for dying, but somewhere deep down, I was. It might be unfair and irrational, but that’s how I felt. It was one more thing I needed to let go of, because all that pain was rooting me in the past.”
“The symbolic gesture of throwing a stone obviously isn’t going to magically resolve all of this for you,” I said, “so I want you to know I’m willing to listen, anytime you want to talk about Javier or your relationship. He’s a part of who you are, just like this place is a part of who I am.”
“I appreciate it, and you’re right that this wasn’t a magic cure-all. But it was a step in the right direction, and that’s exactly what I needed.”
“I’m so glad it helped.”
He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and I settled into his embrace as he admitted, “I used to wonder if we were starting this relationship at the wrong time, just because we’re both in transition—your career is taking off, just as I’m finally learning to let go of the past and find my way forward. But now I realize our timing is perfect. We’re both beginning our second act, and we get to face whatever comes next together.”
There was something wonderfully reassuring about that.
We spent the next day helping my parents clean and organize their shop, and I repainted the red and white sign that hung above the door, which had faded over the years. Hopefully the improvements would help them take care of themselves a little better. I was worried about how long it’d be until I landed another acting job and could go back to sending money home on a regular schedule.
In the late afternoon, I stood behind the counter and admired the progress we’d made. Rows of tackle boxes had been dusted and nicely displayed, and colorful fishing lures hung from a new pegboard display. Across the shop, Lorenzo was washing the windows. My mom and dad had gone out to grab some pizza for dinner, and I was looking forward to seeing their reaction when they returned.
The little bell over the door jingled, and I frowned when I saw a familiar face. Jimmy Watts had been a grade ahead of me in school, and one of my many bullies. He was dumb and mean, both then and now, and when he saw me behind the register, he smirked and sauntered over.
“What a surprise. Not!” Apparently he thought it was 1992. I held his gaze steadily as he grinned at me and said, “I always knew you’d end up back here, Billy boy. You thought you were so much better than the rest of us, and that you were going to run off to Hollywood and end up rich and famous. But here you are, workin’ in your dad’s bait shop. Serves you right.”
“I never thought I was better than anyone, Jimmy. Just the opposite. I always felt like I was never good enough, but I still moved to Hollywood and tried my damnedest to reach my goals. That had nothing to do with you, or this town. It was just something I wanted for myself. But now, if you somehow think working in my family’s shop is a punishment, you couldn’t be more wrong. It’s a privilege to be here, helping my parents with a business they built from literally nothing.”
My gaze never wavered from his, and he fidgeted as he tried to think of a comeback. Then Lorenzo came over to us and crossed his big arms over his chest. He towered over Jimmy, and his tight T-shirt put every muscle on full display. His voice was low and menacing as he said, “Are you planning to buy something? We have a strict no loitering policy here at Smith’s Bait and Tackle, so if you’re not a customer, I’m going to have to throw your sorry ass out of here.”
Jimmy turned and scurried out the door. Once he was gone, I smiled at my boyfriend and said, “Thanks for backing me up.”
“My protective side kicked in and I needed to do something, even though you clearly had it under control. I was impressed by how calm and cool you were.”
“That prick’s been bullying me since I was five years old. I wanted to show him he doesn’t have the power to hurt me anymore.”
“Why didn’t you tell him you’re just here temporarily, because you’re starring in a huge movie? I would have thought it’d be fun to rub his nose in it.”
“Well, for one thing, I wanted to make it clear there’s no shame in working in a shop,” I said. “But also, there’s no need to brag about the film. Every single person in this town will find out about it soon enough.”
“It’s a slow payoff for you though, since the movie won’t be out for a year.”
“Oh, they’ll find out a lot sooner than that. As soon as that interview comes out, my mom will make absolutely certain everyone in town sees it. When I was featured in that ‘hot young actors’ article several years ago, she carried it in her purse for months and stuck it in the face of every single person in town. She was so proud.”
Lorenzo smiled at me and said, “Success really is the best revenge.”
“True.”
“That reminds me, I really want to see the scrapbook your mom made for you.”
“The one that’s all blank except for the first page? Sure, I’ll find it after dinner.”
As he started to tidy up a display of fishing line, he said, “I meant to ask sooner, but do you have any other relatives in town? If so, I’d love to meet them.”
“No. My grandparents passed when I was little, and both my parents are only children. I do have a great aunt somewhere in Mississippi, but she was horrible to me when I came out, so my mom stopped talking to her.”
“It’s hard to imagine growing up without a bunch of aunts, uncles, and cousins,” he said.
“I have no idea what that’s like. All I ever knew was my little family of three.”
My parents returned with pizzas and drinks just then, and we locked up the shop and joined them out on the back porch. While the dogs begged and whined through the screen door, Lorenzo told my parents about Jimmy’s visit and said, “Mrs. Smith, you need to make sure he hears all about the movie and that upcoming interview.”
“Well now first of all, you know I told you to call me DeeDee,” she said, as she twisted the lid off a two-liter grape soda and poured us all a glass. “And you’d better believe I’ll be showing that article to Jimmy freakin’ Watts and his stuck-up mama, too. In fact, I’m thinkin’ about blowin’ it up real big and makin’ a billboard out of it.”
I chuckled and said, “You don’t have to go quite that far, Ma. I’m just happy you’ll finally have something else for your scrapbook. Speaking of which, Lorie wants to see it after dinner, if that’s okay.”
She exclaimed, “Of course it’s okay! You never want to look at it, Willie, so it’s about time I get to show it off.”
Cleanup was minimal since we ate on paper plates, but Lorie and I still took care of it. Then my mother said, “Everybody, be sure to wash your hands, and use soap! I’m gonna be spittin’ mad if anybody gets pizza grease on our family heirloom.”
As I washed my hands at the kitchen sink, I said, “You’re not really calling an empty album our family heirloom, are you?” But my mother didn’t hear me, because she’d already bustled down the hall to her bedroom.
When she returned, she said, “Bub
ba, make sure the table’s cleaned off. I worked hard on this cover and I don’t want it gettin’ messed up because somebody forgot to wipe down the crumbs from lunch.” The kitchen table had a red-and-white checked vinyl tablecloth, and my dad gave it an extra wipe with a paper towel, even though he swore it was clean.
Then my father and I sat down on either side of Lorenzo as Mama placed a huge, thick object in front of him. At some point, she’d quilted a cover for it with blue and gold ruffles and a gold fabric star with my name embroidered on it. “It’s so pretty,” I said, as I ran my hand over the cover. “When’d you do this, Ma?”
She was hovering right behind us, and she said, “About five or six years ago, I think. Go on, Lorenzo, look inside.” He carefully turned back the cover.
I’d been wrong about what was on the first page. She’d made a collage of my senior picture, the playbill from the only school play I ever did, and the pair of hand-drawn and photocopied tickets she and my dad had gotten to see the show. The next page was my very first head shot, and I grinned and said, “I looked like I was twelve years old.”
After that was the article I’d been expecting to see on page one. Lorenzo said, “Wow, look at you.” For some reason, the magazine had gone with a big, full-length photo of me, which filled a third of one of the pages. The other actors’ pictures were much smaller, which had given my mother an additional reason to brag.
As Lorenzo read the article, I turned to my mom and said, “Well, the good news is, you’ll finally have some more stuff for your album. I’m saving you everything I can get my hands on from the set, including the sign with my name on it from my trailer, if you want it. If I collect enough memorabilia, maybe the album won’t be so empty anymore.”
Lorie said, “Um, Will? This album isn’t empty at all. In fact, it’s almost full.”
