The O'Ruddy: A Romance

by Stephen Crane

  CHAPTER XXIV

  "Climb down, ye thief," said the grim, slow voice again. I looked oncemore into the mouth of the blunderbuss. I decided to climb. If I hadhad my two feet square on the ground, I would have taken a turn withthis man, artillery or no artillery, to see if I could get the upperhand of him. But neither I nor any of my ancestors could ever fightwell in trees. Foliage incommodes us. We like a clear sweep for thearm, and everything on a level space, and neither man in a tree.However, a sensible man holds no long discussions with a blunderbuss.I slid to the ground, arriving in a somewhat lacerated state. Ithereupon found that the man behind the gun was evidently some kind ofkeeper or gardener. He had a sour face deeply chiselled with meanlines, but his eyes were very bright, the lighter parts of them beingsteely blue, and he rolled the pair of them from behind his awfulweapon.

  "And for whom have you mistaken me, rascal?" I cried as soon as I hadcome ungracefully to the ground and found with whom I had to deal.

  "Have mistaken ye for naught," replied the man proudly. "Ye be thethief of the French pears, ye be."

  "French pears--French--French what?" I cried.

  "Ay, ye know full well," said he, "and now ye'll just march."

  Seeing now plainly that I was in the hands of one of Lord Westport'sgardeners, who had mistaken me for some garden-thief for whom he hadbeen on the look-out, I began to expostulate very pointedly. Butalways this man stolidly faced me with the yawning mouth of theblunderbuss.

  "And now ye'll march," said he, and despite everything I marched. Imarched myself through the little door in the wall, and into thegardens of the Earl of Westport. And the infernal weapon was clampedagainst the small of my back.

  But still my luck came to me even then, like basket falling out of ablue sky. As, in obedience to my captor's orders, I rounded a bit ofshrubbery, I came face to face with Lady Mary. I stopped so abruptlythat the rim of the on-coming blunderbuss must have printed a finepink ring on my back. I lost all intelligence. I could not speak. Ionly knew that I stood before the woman I loved, while a man firmlypressed the muzzle of a deadly firearm between my shoulder-blades. Iflushed with shame, as if I really had been guilty of stealing theFrench pears.

  Lady Mary's first look upon me was one of pure astonishment. Then shequickly recognized the quaint threat expressed in the attitude of theblunderbuss.

  "Strammers," she cried, rushing forward, "what would you be doing tothe gentleman?"

  "'Tis no gentleman, your la'ship," answered the man confidently. "Hebe a low-born thief o' pears, he be."

  "Strammers!" she cried again, and wrested the blunderbuss from hishands. I will confess that my back immediately felt easier.

  "And now, sir," she said, turning to me haughtily, "you will pleasegrant me an explanation of to what my father is indebted for thisvisit to his private grounds?"

  But she knew; no fool of a gardener and a floundering Irishman couldkeep pace with the nimble wits of a real woman. I saw the pink stealover her face, and she plainly appeared not to care for an answer toher peremptory question. However, I made a grave reply which did notinvolve the main situation.

  "Madam may have noticed a certain deluded man with a bell-mouthedhowitzer," said I. "His persuasions were so pointed and emphatic thatI was induced to invade these gardens, wherein I have been sounfortunate as to disturb a lady's privacy,--a thing which only causesme the deepest regret."

  "He be a pear-thief," grumbled Strammers from a distance. "Don't yetake no word o' his, your la'ship, after me bringing 'im down from outa tree."

  "From out a tree?" said Lady Mary, and she looked at me, and I lookedat her.

  "The man is right, Lady Mary," said I significantly. "I was in a treelooking over the garden wall."

  "Strammers," said she with decision, "wait for me in the rose-garden,and speak no single word to anybody until I see you again. You havemade a great mistake."

  The man obediently retired, after saluting me with an air of slightlydubious apology. He was not yet convinced that I had not been afterhis wretched French pears.

  But with the withdrawal of this Strammers Lady Mary's manner changed.She became frightened and backed away from me, still holding thegardener's blunderbuss.

  "O sir," she cried in a beautiful agitation, "I beg of you to leave atonce. Oh, please!"

  But here I saw it was necessary to treat the subject in a bold Irishway.

  "I'll not leave, Lady Mary," I answered. "I was brought here by force,and only force can make me withdraw."

  A glimmer of a smile came to her face, and she raised the blunderbuss,pointing it full at my breast. The mouth was still the width of awater-jug, and in the fair inexperienced hands of Lady Mary it waslike to go off at any moment and blow a hole in me as big as aplatter.

  "Charming mistress," said I, "shoot!"

  For answer she suddenly flung the weapon to the grass, and, buryingher face in her hands, began to weep. "I'm afraid it's l-l-loaded,"she sobbed out.

  In an instant I was upon my knees at her side and had taken her hand.Her fingers resisted little, but she turned away her head.

  "Lady Mary," said I softly, "I'm a poor devil of an Irish adventurer,but--I love you! I love you so that if I was dead you could bid merise! I am a worthless fellow; I have no money, and my estate you canhardly see for the mortgages and trouble upon it; I am no fine suitor,but I love you more than them all; I do, upon my life!"

  "Here approaches Strammers in quest of his blunderbuss," she answeredcalmly. "Perhaps we had better give it to him."

  I sprang to my feet, and, sure enough, the thick-headed ninepin of agardener was nearing us.

  "Don't ye trust 'im, your la'ship!" he cried. "I caught 'im in a tree,I did, and he be a bad lot!"

  Lady Mary quelled him, and he at once went away with his blunderbuss,still muttering his many doubts. But still one cannot drop a lovedeclaration and pick it up again with the facility of a tailorresuming his work on a waistcoat. One can't say: "Where was I? How farhad I gone before this miserable interruption came?" In a word I foundmysef stammering and stuttering and wasting moments too precious forwords.

  "Lady Mary--" I began. "Lady Mary--I love you, Lady Mary! Lady Mary--"

  It was impossible for me to depart from this rigmarole and express themany things with which my heart was full. It was a maddeningtongue-tie. The moments seemed for me the crisis of my existence, andyet I could only say, "Lady Mary, I love you!" I know that in manycases this statement has seemed to be sufficient, but as a matter offact I was full of things to say, and it was plain to me that I waslosing everything through the fact that my silly tongue clung to theroof of my mouth.

  I do not know how long the agony endured, but at any rate it was endedby a thunderous hammering upon the little door in the garden-wall. Ahigh Irish voice could be heard:

  "And if ye be not leaving him out immediately, we will be coming overthe wall if it is ten thousand feet high, ye murdering rogues."

  Lady Mary turned deadly pale. "Oh, we are lost," she cried.

  I saw at once that the interview was ended. If I remained doughtily Iremained stupidly. I could come back some other day. I clutched LadyMary's hand and kissed it. Then I ran for the door in the garden wall.In a moment I was out, and I heard her frantically bolting the doorbehind me.

  I confronted Paddy and Jem. Jem had in his hands a brace of pistolswhich he was waving determinedly. Paddy was wetting his palms andresolutely swinging a club. But when they saw me their ferocity gaveway to an outburst of affectionate emotion. I had to assert all mymastership to keep Paddy from singing. He would sing. Sure, if theyhad never heard an Irish song it was time they did.

  "Paddy," said I, "my troubles are on me. I wish to be thinking. Remainquiet."

  Presently we reached the little inn, and from there the little DoctorChord flew out like a hawk at a sparrow.

  "I thought you were dead," he shouted wildly. "I thought you weredead."

  "No," said I, "I am not dead, but I am very thirsty." And, althought
hey were murmuring this thing and that thing, I would have no wordwith them until I was led to the parlour of the inn and given a glass.

  "Now," said I, "I penetrated to the garden and afterwards I came awayand I can say no more."

  The little Doctor was very happy and proud.

  "When I saw the man with the blunderbuss," he recounted, "I saidboldly: 'Sirrah, remove that weapon! Exclude it from the scene!Eliminate it from the situation!' But his behaviour was extraordinary.He trained the weapon in such a manner that I myself was in danger ofbeing eliminated from the situation. I instantly concluded that Iwould be of more benefit to the cause if I temporarily abandoned thevicinity and withdrew to a place where the climatic conditions weremore favourable to prolonged terms of human existence."

  "I saw you abandoning the vicinity," said I, "and I am free to declarethat I never saw a vicinity abandoned with more spirit and finish."

  "I thank you for your appreciation," said the Doctor simply. Then heleaned to my ear and whispered, barring his words from Jem and Paddy,who stood respectfully near our chairs. "And the main object of theexpedition?" he asked. "Was there heavy firing and the beating down ofdoors? And I hope you took occasion to slay the hideous monster whoflourished the blunderbuss? Imagine my excitement after I hadsuccessfully abandoned the vicinity! I was trembling with anxiety foryou. Still, I could adopt no steps which would not involve suchopportunities for instant destruction that the thought of them broughtto mind the most horrible ideas. I pictured myself lying butchered,blown to atoms by a gardener's blunderbuss. Then the spirit ofself-sacrifice arose in me, and, as you know, I sent your two servantsto your rescue."

  The little man was looking through the window at this moment. Suddenlyhe started back, flinging up his hands.

  "My soul, he is again upon us," he cried.

  I hastily followed his glance, and saw the man Strammers makingpeaceful way toward the inn. Apparently he was going to the taproomfor an early pint. The Doctor flurried and dove until I checked him infear that he would stand on his head in the fireplace.

  "No," said I, "calm yourself. There will be no blunderbusses. On theother hand, I see here a great chance for a master-stroke. Be quietnow, and try to hold yourself in a chair and see me deal with thesituation. When it comes to a thing like this, it is all child's playfor me. Paddy," said I. "Jem," said I, "there is a gardener in thetaproom. Go and become his warm friends. You know what I mean. Atuppence here and there won't matter. But, of course, always treat himwith the profound consideration which is due to so distinguished agardener."

  They understood me at once and grinned. But even then I was struckwith their peculiar reasons for understanding at once. Jem Bottlesunderstood at once because he had been a highwayman; Paddy understoodat once because he was an Irishman. One had been all his life a rogue;the other had been born on an intelligent island. And so theycomprehended me with equal facility.

  They departed on their errand, and when I turned I found myself in theclutches of a maddened Doctor Chord.

  "Monster," he screamed, "you have ordered him to be killed!"

  "Whist," said I, "it would never do to order him to be killed. He istoo valuable."