by BJ Harvey
Despite trying everything to talk Millen out of going ahead with the wedding without telling him the biggest reason, last night—the night before his wedding to Lana—I realized that I couldn’t stand beside him in good conscience and let him make the worst decision of his life. I couldn’t let his family go through that, especially since Mrs. Ross was living on borrowed time, her cancer having returned, this time with a devastating prognosis.
Fast forward to now, and I’m on my couch, nursing a black eye and a bruised jaw, and of all the people in the world, it was Ash who took my back and drove me home after one of the most humiliating, humbling, and near friendship-destroying moments of my life.
Despite knowing she had returned from Europe, today was the first time we’d seen each other in almost four years. Despite our unresolved history and everything else going on around us, she got me out of there after Millen knocked me on my ass not once, but twice. He had every right to—hell, I even stood up so he could land another punch. That doesn’t help me now though. By doing the right thing, I’ve blown everyone’s worlds apart—most of all, mine.
“You want a beer? Whiskey? Xanax?” she asks from beside me, handing me some Tylenol and a big glass of water before moving away to sit at the opposite end of the couch. I take the pills and down half the drink, returning it to the table and leaning back.
I turn my head her way, no doubt looking like the loser I feel: an ice pack on my face, a headache care of Millen’s right fist and a hangover doing a number on me. Then there’s the fact I’m six months away from sharing a child with Lana.
Resting my cheek in my hand, I take my first good look at her. She hasn’t changed. If anything, she looks even better than my best memory of her. Her hair is a little longer, her body curvier, her eyes more knowing, and, going by her last question, she definitely hasn’t lost her sass.
“I need to wake up from this nightmare and find out this isn’t really my life.”
“Well, I did peg you for a man-whore the first time I met you,” she says, slouching back into the cushions and crossing her long, tanned legs in front of her, drawing my attention to them.
“Eyes up here, Peters. That libido of yours has caused enough trouble today, don’t ya think?”
I grumble and scrub my face in my hands, wincing when I hit a particularly tender spot. “You look good, Ash. I haven’t seen you in a while; I’m looking for changes.”
“We all change eventually, Drew. Sometimes we have to run away to truly find ourselves.”
We stare at one another, and it’s as if neither of us wants to break away. Then again, that’s probably wishful thinking on my part. A lot can change in four years. I’m even more of a mess than what I was back then, and now I have added baggage on the way. Something I’m still trying to wrap my head around.
“Enough of my pity party—tell me about you. What have you been up to?” I sound okay, but her soft gaze and wry smile tell me she knows I’m trying to change the subject. Thankfully, she lets it slide.
“You know, this and that.” Her smile widens, and I swear it’s as contagious as it always was. In all the ways she’s changed, she’s still the same Ash, but I’m not letting my mind go there. It can’t, especially now. “Besides, Millen’s probably kept you updated.”
“Occasionally he would, but it’s not Ashley Ross’s highlight reel. I want your version of events. It’ll take my mind off things.” I feel like I’m trying too hard but also not trying hard enough. I can’t decide if I’m coming or going, whether I’m right way up or wrong way down. My head is such a mess, and I know in the next few days, weeks, and definitely months, there are going to have to be some decisions made—adult, grown-up decisions—but tonight, I want to not think about anything. I just want to be.
For the next hour, Ash distracts me with tales of what she calls her “European adventure.” She’s so animated and unburdened, her face relaxed and the picture of contentment as she talks. For the first time ever, I feel relieved that things turned out the way they did between us. Had she not finally let me go, she may never have had those experiences, and looking at her now, I can see they’ve shaped her into the woman she is today, a better version of someone I always thought was pretty fucking perfect already.
It’s once she’s finished her story that the weight of the last few years away from her threatens to drag me under. I may have hit rock-bottom today, and there’s a huge anchor sitting on my chest trying to keep me there. “I’m drowning, Ash.”
“That’s okay, Drew because I’m here to hold you up. We may not have worked out, but you’re always going to be important to me. I have a feeling we’ll need each other in the coming months. I want to help you get through it all—mom, Lana, Millen. . .
I study her for a few moments, my lips tipping up into a small smile. “You’re different.”
“I’m still the same, just a little older, a bit wiser, and a hell of a lot less ignorant to the world around me.”
It’s not the way I wanted to have her, but maybe this is how it was always meant to be. Friends—as close as friends can be without crossing that line.
It’s a concept that’s gonna take me a while to get my head around, but as long as I get time, I’ll take whatever she’s willing to give me. I’ll be the best damn friend she’s ever had because God knows I need work in that department.
Millen and Kenzie spend two weeks at the lake house to get away from everyone and everything, and to reconnect. Kenzie and even Gaby keep in contact with me, checking in every few days, with Kenzie trying her hardest to reassure me that although it may take some time, she believes that Millen will come around.
In the meantime, I work on repairing my relationship with Mr. and Mrs. Ross, Ash having my back every step of the way. I even reach out to my father and his family to reconnect after years of keeping them at a distance.
The day after Millen gets back from his non-honeymoon, he sends me a text asking me to his apartment.
From the moment he opens the door to me, he’s defensive. When I walk into the living area to find Kenzie there too, at least some of my trepidation dissipates although I’m still tense, something which seems to be a constant state these days.
We sit opposite each other, neither of us saying anything, the low hum of a baseball game on the TV the only sound. With a sigh, Kenzie stands and looks first at me, then Millen. “If I have to play mediator here, I will, but now is not the time to not talk. Millen, baby, I love you, and Drew,” she says, turning her attention to me, “you’ve been an idiot, but I care about you too. For once, this whole thing has nothing to do with me—”
“No, it has everything to do with you.” Millen’s narrow eyes pin me in place, his tight shoulders and clenched jaw reminding me that this is not going to be a cakewalk.
“It does, and I’m sorry. I’ll keep saying I’m sorry till you tell me to fuck off, or you finally believe me,” I say without hesitation.
“Fuck off,” he says without missing a beat, making Kenzie gasp.
“Millen,” she warns. “This family has some hard times ahead, and both of you need to somehow put this behind you because your mom needs everyone in her corner.”
“I almost lost you because of him.”
“No, you almost lost me because of Lana. Let’s not forget who instigated this entire mess. It was Lana who orchestrated everything. Drew just put himself in a position where she could take advantage and use him as a means to an end.”
I’m not comfortable with Kenzie defending me
“I’m going to walk down to get some food for all of us. You”—she points my way—“and you,” she says to Millen, “don’t start pummeling each other. I need you two to talk this out and somehow find a way to get along. Nina is going to need all of us around her in the coming months.” She’s family to all of us.” She looks straight at me again, her eyes soft. “And we all know—some more than others—that those close to us are the ones who can hurt us the most.” She returns her attenti
on to Millen. “You’ve been friends for far too many years to give Lana fucking Mason the satisfaction of breaking you up.”
Millen’s shoulders ease a little, but I can tell he’s still on edge. Kenzie leans down, bracing her hands on his arms, kissing him hard and fast before straightening and moving toward the door.
“Behave, you two. I don’t want to have to call Ash for backup.” I don’t react. I don’t know what Kenz knows about my history with Ash; I hope that it’s nothing. How ironic is it that I spent years worried that I’d lose Millen because of my relationship with his sister, and now we’re having a stand-off, not knowing whether we can get past my indiscretion with his ex?
When the door closes behind Kenzie, awkward silence stretches between Millen and me. The air is thick with tension and disappointment. Deciding I need to break the ice somehow, I get up and walk toward the kitchen, breathing a sigh of relief when I find two IPAs in the fridge. After grabbing them, I return to the couches and hold one out to my best friend. I don’t realize I’m holding my breath until he takes it from me, unscrews the lid, and takes a long pull from the bottle, his eyes pinned on me the entire time.
It’s not much, but it’s a start. He hasn’t told me to fuck off yet—again.
“I don’t know what to say,” I mutter.
He shakes his head and expels a hard breath. “Neither do I.”
“Your fist definitely said a lot.”
“Would’ve said more if Gaby and Kenz hadn’t stepped in.”
“And I would’ve taken it,” I say matter-of-factly.
“I know. The fact you stood up for more is one of the reasons you’re still sitting here.”
“I fucked up, man.”
“Believe me, I know.”
“I didn’t mean to let her lie go on for so long.”
“How many times, Drew?” My head jerks back at the one question I really didn’t expect. “How many times did you sleep with Lana?”
“Twice. Once after I caught you and Kenz in the hallway, and once more when she called me all upset after finding out you’d gone away to the lake house.”
“Fuck. I bet her bitch friends called her from Tahoe. Kenzie and I ran into them at a restaurant there.”
“She called me in tears, asking me to come over because she didn’t want to be alone.”
“You always have been a sucker for a damsel in distress. She’s known you long enough to play on that.”
“First time, I was drunk and angry. Second time, I was an idiot.”
“There’s been a lot of that going around,” he says, leaning back into the couch. “I risked everything because of her. I nearly lost Kenz.” He takes another long draw of his beer, his eyes drifting out to the open balcony door and the city lights beyond.
“She’s always been yours. The first day I met her, I knew she was never going to be mine. Didn’t stop me hoping though.” I clear my throat. “I’m always going to have your back, Mills. I always have, and I may do dumb shit—lately, more dumb shit than others—but I’m always going to be here. I’ll spend the rest of my life proving that to you.”
“Funnily enough, I already know that. I just needed Kenz to remind me a few hundred times and to see you face-to-face. It’s written all over you, Drew.”
We sit there quietly, relief washing over me, but there’s still one question I’d love to know the answer to. “Can I ask you something?”
“Can you just ask it instead of asking if you can ask it?” he says with a smirk which soon disappears when he meets my serious expression.
“Did you mean what you said to Lana? That the baby would be better off with me?”
“You just had to bring that up, didn’t ya?” he says, flicking his bottle cap my way and shaking his head.
Twenty minutes later, I hear a key in the lock. We both turn to see a very wary Kenzie sticking just her head around the door, as if on a recon mission, before coming inside. Ash follows behind her, a cautious smile on her lips as she closes the door behind her.
“I told you they’d be watching baseball,” she says to Kenz, dropping a bag of food on the kitchen counter while Kenzie pulls out a corkscrew and a bottle of wine. I look at Millen and we both shrug, returning our attention to the game.
“The Giants are playing the Dodgers,” I explain to the TV.
“All I heard was blah, blah, blah,” Kenzie says. “But since Drew is still breathing, and Millen is not in handcuffs, I think my intervention was a success.”
As I turn my head, my eyes locking with Ashley’s, her soft reassuring gaze washes over me and I feel a small amount of peace for the first time in weeks.
It gives me hope—something I never thought I’d have again.
Something I don’t ever want to give up.
It’s almost two months’ later when Millen calls me in the middle of the day to tell me his mom has asked to see me. She’s been steadily going downhill over the last few weeks, so we’ve been staying close, all too aware the day will soon come when she loses her fight. Seeing her slowly fade away brings painful memories of my own mom’s lost fight, but Mrs. Ross has been in my life almost as long as my mother was. Knowing she sees me as one of her own children, there isn’t anywhere else I’d want to be.
A few hours later, I meet Ash at the front door of her family home, wrapping my arms around her and hugging her tight. Every time I hold her like this, she sinks into me like she needs me to stay standing, burying her face into my chest and melting into me.
Pulling back, she looks up at me, and I can’t resist the urge to lift my hands to her face and run my thumbs over her cheeks.
“You look beautifully wrecked, sweetheart,” I say.
Her eyes soften for the briefest instant, and I recognize the same warring emotions she’s been struggling to hide since the night of Millen’s non-wedding. Shaking her head, she steps back and runs her fingers through her hair. It’s as if she caught herself before dropping her guard with me. Just the fact she did that has my jaw tensing, but I quickly file that away.
“How is she today?” I ask.
“It’s not good. She’s been sleeping off and on, and the nurse has had to up her morphine.” She stares at a spot on my shirt, her sapphire eyes shimmering a brilliant blue as her breath hitches. “She’s barely eating now and the doctor…”
“Come here,” I say, hugging her once more, my hand stroking her head as she quietly sobs into my shoulder. “I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere,” I murmur into her hair, loving the fact she’s in my arms despite hating the reason she’s there. “Whatever you need, whenever you need it.”
A few minutes later, she leans back. “Thank you. I guess I needed that.”
“Forever and always, Ash.” It’s the first time I’ve said those three words to her in years, and they escape my lips before I can stop them.
To her credit, she doesn’t call me out. Instead, she gifts me a small smile and steps out of my arms, holding her hand out toward mine. “Let me take you in there. She’s been waiting for you.”
I slide my palm into hers and follow her up the stairs toward her parents’ bedroom.
“I’ll leave you here. She wants to talk to you.”
I look for any sign she knows what this is about, but before I can ask, she lifts up and kisses my cheek, giving my fingers a soft squeeze then letting me go and walking away.
My heart pounds against my chest as I take a slow, deep breath and turn the handle, carefully opening the door, and walking inside.
When I see Nina, I’m taken aback at how she looks, and it hits me how far downhill she’s gone. Just last week, there was still a sparkle in her eyes. There was no missing her spirit.
Now, she looks tired. Her eyes are still the same blue as her daughter’s, but there’s a dull hue to them that wasn’t there before. Just that thought saddens me more.
“I’m not going to bite, you know…” she says, waving me over. Closing the door, I make my way across the room and take the seat
beside the bed.
Once I’m close enough, I reach out and rest my hand on top of hers, giving her a small smile as comfortable silence stretches between us.
“I’ve always wanted my children to be happy,” she says, cryptically. Not exactly what I was expecting. “Now that Millen has his Kenzie, it’s time for my other two to get their own happy ending.”
My eyes go wide, my hand instinctively squeezing her fingers. Nina’s lips tip up into a gentle smile. Is she saying what I think she’s saying?
“Yes, Andrew. I know you love my daughter, and I know she loves you. I’ve known for a long time. Probably the first Thanksgiving you spent with us.”
My mouth gapes, words escaping me. How has she known all along and never said anything?
“You can stop looking so shocked. You two may have been able to hide it from everyone else, but a mother knows these things,” she adds, tapping her nose before a coughing fit wracks her body.
I sit there, still speechless, rubbing my thumb across her hand as she slowly recovers, her breathing now more labored than before.
“You know how this is going to end, Andrew.”
“I hate that another one of my moms has to go through this,” my voice breaks. “It’s just so unfair.”
Her hand shakes violently as she lifts it up to rest her palm against my cheek. “I need you to listen to me now. My life may be shorter than I wanted it to be, but I know when I leave this world, I’m going with absolutely no regrets. I have a loving husband who adores me, two children and another I’ve claimed as my own, all who I love dearly and who I’m so proud of.” She pins me with her soft gaze. “Now, if you’ll let me, I’m going to take the liberty of imparting some motherly advice… if you’ll let me.”
I nod, the giant lump in my throat and tightness in my chest making a verbal answer impossible.
“You are a fine man, and I’ve loved watching you and Millen together over the years, but there was always something holding you back from letting yourself just be with us, and I could never work it out.” She turns her head and rests her cheek against the pillow, her gaze going to the tall window and the sun shining down on the bay. “I thought about it, and at the same time you came into our lives, my little girl was suddenly not so little anymore. She went from being frivolous and a little rebellious to being studious and focused, and for a long time I couldn’t work out what the turning point was.”
