by DoctorHepa
The first thing I noticed was that the sleeping rooms—there were only five available—now cost money to rent. Ten gold a night, which was nothing. Between Donut and I, we now had almost ten grand in gold. The food cost money as well, but it appeared to be equally inexpensive.
I kept my eye on the red dots to see if they would follow us into the alley. If they knew we were in here, we’d have a problem. They didn’t appear to have seen where we’d gone.
I moved to the counter to order a drink. I needed one bad.
Thwum.
Mordecai teleported into the room, standing just to the side of the main bar. He stood with his pants down to his knees, eyes closed. “Now ladies,” he said, his voice slurring heavily. “One at a time. Grannie first. There’s plenty of Mordecai to…” He trailed off. He opened an eye, looking upon us.
“My good sir, I must ask you sheath your sword immediately!” the Bopca cried. “This is a family establishment!”
I glanced over at the gnome. His name was Gordo.
Mordecai quickly pulled up his pants. He was still in his tuxedo, but the tie and jacket were gone. His barbed tail got caught on the edge of his belt, and he couldn’t pull them up all the way. He awkwardly fed the tail through the pants and fastened himself. He stood there, swaying. I could smell the alcohol wafting off of him.
It’d been twenty minutes since we left him. Twenty minutes.
“You weren’t supposed to go to a saferoom for a couple more hours,” Mordecai said. He wagged his finger. “If this is going to work, you need to listen to your manager.”
Mordecai stumbled and held out his hands, balancing like he was standing on a surfboard. “Where did those two girls and their grandma go?”
Then he vomited on the floor, sat in it, and passed out.
Gordo leaned over the counter and made a face. “This is your manager?”
“Yep,” I said.
He shook his head sadly. “You two are so dead.”
“Yep,” I said.
A note from DoctorHepa
Happy weekend! Who's ready to party it up? Oh, wait... In a world without the plague, I would be at Norwescon right now probably getting more blitzed than Mordecai. Next chapter in a few days.
Chapter 52
Mongo had risen to level three and almost doubled in size. He was going to be a very bright and colorful monster when he was done growing. His pink-hued feathers grew longer and thicker along his little arms, mixing in with a line of deep-red feathers. His tail also grew longer, making him appear more dinosaur-like and less like poultry. The skin around his eyes took in a bluish tone. His beak had widened and grown larger, too. A nose chomp from him now could do serious damage.
“They grow up so fast,” Donut said sadly. “He’s too big to sit on my back now.”
“Pretty soon you’re going to be able to sit on his back,” I said. I knew the real version of these things on earth weren’t as big as they were in the movies, but I could tell already that the game was growing Mongo toward a more cinematic, crowd-pleasing size.
While Mordecai snored loudly in a pile of his own vomit, Donut and I opened our boxes. We each had a Silver Earth box. We also both received a couple random achievements. I had no additional loot boxes, but Donut had a gold pet box she hadn’t yet opened. The most notable new achievement was for stumbling upon our first quest.
New achievement! It’s Elementary, My Dear Crawler!
And you thought all you had to do was bonk monsters on the head.
You’ve received a quest! Puzzles and intrigue and mysteries, oh my! If you want to survive in this world, you’re going to need to be more than just a pretty, sword-swinging barbarian. Some quests require brute strength, yes, but sometimes you also gotta use your noggin.
Reward: We don’t want you getting bored. That’s your prize.
That was interesting. If there was some sort of mystery involved, I wondered if it required us actually talking to people. If that was the case, Donut’s astronomical Charisma was going to be valuable.
Donut opened up her earth box and gasped.
She’d received three items. Two were unopened boxes that appeared to be from Amazon.com: a scented candle and a large-sized cat tree with multiple scratching posts and platforms and a round cat hammock. It was larger and fancier than the one she’d had in our apartment. I would have to put it together myself. The candle smelled like “Sea Breeze” but smelled nothing like the sea.
The third item was a potion. An Earth Hobby Potion. I read the description.
Earth Hobby Potion.
Per subsection 1256-C of the Indigenous Species Protection Act, this particular reward is required by the Syndicate Government to be awarded to all Crawlers who have chosen a domestic class.
Taking this potion is optional, however it may not be sold or transferred to other Crawlers or entities.
Upon drinking this, you will immediately obtain a Level Three skill ability in a unique, Earth-based hobby. The benefit is chosen at random, however you will not receive a skill that you currently have.
Gods, I hate it when the lawyers make me put their crap into the descriptions. Don’t you? Anyway, this could be something useful like Parkour or Jui-jitsu, or you could get fucked and receive some useless crap like Stamp Collecting or Kombucha Brewing. Don’t get your hopes up. The fact your planet was filled with so many boring assholes with inane, ridiculous hobbies tips the scales way out of your favor.
I laughed. Why would something like this be required? What would be the purpose? Was it some bureaucratic attempt at preserving Earth culture? It didn’t make sense, yet at the same time it reminded me of some bullshit the military would enact.
In the gold pet box, Donut received a black, magical collar for Mongo that placed his orange dot on the map wherever he was. He screamed and tried to rip it off, but after a few admonishments from Donut, he relented and stopped scratching at it.
In a dark corner of the saferoom stood a mailbox, and Donut went to retrieve her spellbook. She pulled it out. “This sounds positively delicious,” she said. She glowed as she applied the book to herself.
“I swear to god, Donut,” I said. “You better have read the description first.”
“Oh, relax, Carl. Watch.” She waved her paw, and Mongo, who was currently running in circles around the prone form of Mordecai, suddenly split into three. Now there were three of them running in circles. One of the forms squeaked in concern, jumped up on the counter and started growling at the other two forms. A moment later, the other two also jumped on the table. The first one cried out in fear and ran, running to hide behind Donut. The other two looked at one another then jumped down and resumed circling Mordecai like a pair of sharks.
“Please tell me that’s an illusion,” I said. The two new Mongos were physically mirror images, but they weren’t moving like exact duplicates. Each one seemed to have a mind of its own.
“They’re real!” Donut said, “Isn’t it great? They only last for a minute! It’s an expensive spell, too. It costs 26 points.”
Sure enough, the two little dinosaurs stopped running after a moment. They looked at each other, and then they fell apart, revealing little gears and servos and electric parts. The clockwork pieces disappeared in a puff of smoke a moment later.
“It’s called Clockwork Triplicate. Isn’t it great! I can only cast it on pets and minions though. So no clockwork Carl.”
The real Mongo squeaked with concern at the two little black piles of ash on the floor.
“That is a good spell. You’ll want to practice with that one. You’ve grown a decent catalog,” I said, looking over her spell list.
Donut’s spells currently were
Heal – Level 1 (Max)
Torch – Level 10
Magic Missile – Level 9
Puddle Jumper – Level 3
Second Chance – Level 5
Heal Critter – Level 1
Clockwork Triplicate – Level 1
I hadn’t
realized her Torch spell had risen to level 10. She usually turned it on as soon as we left a saferoom, and it followed just above us for most of the day. She’d been adjusting the brightness on the fly when we were attempting to be stealthy, but I hadn’t thought about it. Most of the halls on the second floor had come with ambient lighting anyway.
“Will you put my tree together?” Donut asked. “And maybe light my candle? Miss Beatrice used to light candles.”
“Just a minute,” I said. I had a quick memory of Donut walking too close to a line of candles, and of Bea flipping out. She was always paranoid about the cat catching on fire, yet she had a million candles all over the apartment.
I still had my own Earth box to open, which I did now. Like Donut’s, mine contained two random items and a Hobby potion.
The first item was a small cactus plant in a clay pot. The short, squat cactus was only about three inches tall and was covered in yellow spikes. The pot still had a price tag on it. $3.99. It’d come from a Home Depot.
The second item was a shrink-wrapped set of small paperback books.
“Oh wow,” I said, turning the pack over in my hands. It was a collection of Louis L'Amour books. Westerns. My dad had an entire shelf of them. As a kid, I’d sneak one here and there and read the entire book in one night, hiding under the covers with a flashlight. This was a pack of 18 books, all from the same series. The Sackett Family Saga. I hadn’t read any of these. I put the books into my inventory. My hands were shaking, I realized, and I wasn’t sure why.
I examined the cactus, wondering what to do with it, why they’d chosen this to give to me. Both of Donut’s gifts had been deliberate. A candle to remind her of home and a cat tree for comfort.
I sighed, putting the plant into my inventory.
“So, you want to get a new hobby?” I asked. I didn’t have high hopes it would be anything good.
“Okay,” Donut said. Her entire body glowed for a moment. She made a face.
“Scutelliphily,” she said a moment later, pronouncing it slowly. “I don’t… I don’t even know what that means. I’m a scutelliphile. That sounds obscene. How can I have a skill in something and not know what it is? This makes no sense. What a waste.”
I chuckled. “I don’t know what to tell you, Donut. It warned us the skill would be something stupid.”
I put the potion in my hotlist and clicked it. A warmth spread through me.
You have gained a skill!
You are now Level 3 in the Cesta Punta skill.
That was it. There was no other explanation.
“Cesta Punta?” I said. Was that a martial art? I looked at my hands. I didn’t feel any different.
“So was your potion worthless, too?” Donut asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe.” Donut was right. It was stupid and pointless if we didn’t know what it was.
“It’s likely the art of cracking nuts with your toes,” Donut said. She turned to the bopca. “Gordo, darling. Get me some walnuts. We need to experiment.” She laughed.
“Of course. Right away, your majesty,” he said. He scurried into the back kitchen.
This guy was even more subservient than they usually were. Her Charisma had rocketed up to 70. Mordecai had said while that number seemed crazy high, on the lower floors we were going to see and need much higher numbers than that just to keep our heads above water. With only three points per level, we needed to fight for potions and items and bonuses and everything we could to make those stats soar.
Since it was one of the few spells that worked inside of a saferoom, I made Donut cast her new Clockwork Triplicate spell over and over. It currently took Donut about 20 seconds to regenerate a single mana point. Mongo quickly got used to having two clockwork friends suddenly emerging out of nowhere. He now squeaked with joy when they appeared, and he ran up to them. The other two also jumped up and down with excitement, and the three would tussle, rolling over each other, knocking over chairs and pouncing and jumping on tables. The tooltips over their heads didn’t indicate which one was the real deal. I’d quickly lose track of the real Mongo until the two eventually fell apart. Mongo would peep sadly when this happened and would run up to Donut and start screaming, hopping up and down demanding that she bring them back.
“I don’t think I’m gaining experience in the spell,” Donut eventually said. “It should’ve gone up to level two by now.”
“Hmm. Maybe it doesn’t count in saferooms.” I looked over at the snoring form of Mordecai. “It’d be nice if we had someone to ask,” I said loudly. I’d tried to wake him earlier, but he was out cold.
“Should we move him so he’s not in a pile of his own vomit?” Donut asked.
“Probably,” I said. “But I don’t want to touch him again.” When I tried waking him the first time, his tail had risen ominously, like a cobra. “The last thing we need is some weird incubus spell activating and your manager getting put in a time out. Besides, something tells me this isn’t his first rodeo.”
I really didn’t feel like putting together Donut’s cat tree just yet, and I told her I would do it later tonight. So instead, while Donut played with Mongo and his clones, I spent some time fiddling with explosives.
I needed to be doing this at a Sapper’s table, which would stop the dynamite from degrading and would supposedly offer more ways to work with the stuff. I had an idea, but I quickly gave up on it for now. I had that new Bomb Surgeon skill, and even though it was only level one, I could sense how useful it would be. I could feel the depth of the blasting cap in my dynamite sticks. I could feel how close a piece of dynamite was to prematurely going off without having to consult the description.
So instead of dynamite, I moved my examination to my stash of goblin smoke bombs. The apple-sized bombs were just a bit too big for my slingshot, and their design didn’t really allow me to break them down. I wondered if I should switch to a sling. Frustrated, I put it all away.
I had a lot of random chemicals and a load of black powder, but with my limited knowledge in chemistry, I didn’t have the correct combination of items to make what was in my head. I needed to seek out a store that sold explosive supplies, or better yet, find a village of hobgoblins and raid their stash. It seemed they had higher quality stuff than the goblins.
We were supposed to make our way to that larger settlement before it got dark, but I made the executive decision to stay in the area and explore. I wasn’t certain when night would descend, but we still had several hours before the next recap episode.
The plan was to go out there and sneak around the edges of this supposed circus. We would try not to poke too hard. Not until we knew exactly what we were dealing with.
“Come on Donut,” I said. “Let’s go clown hunting.”
* * *
The first thing we noticed when we edged our way outside was the group of three X’s on the map. These were crawlers, and they’d fallen not too far from where we encountered the lemurs.
“Ah, damnit,” I said. I remembered what Zev had said about not joining up with any of the other crawlers in the area, and I suddenly felt guilty for not going to seek them out. I’d been so overwhelmed with all the newness of this floor, I hadn’t really thought about it. I regretted that now.
We carefully approached the area, walking through the thin alley. Mongo stopped and sniffed the air. He let out a low growl.
“Stop,” I whispered. I searched the minimap, but I didn’t see any mobs.
Mongo was looking straight up. I followed the path of his gaze, and I finally saw it. A skull-headed lemur lounged on the edge of the roof. It hadn’t noticed us yet.
The moment I saw him, his dot appeared on my map. These things had some sort of stealth ability. He was overlooking the street with the dead crawlers, his back to us. A trap. I could only see one lemur, but I had no doubt there were more.
“Back,” I said. “Let’s go in this building and sneak up on him.”
These buildings were nothing but the
bare shells of old houses. None had doors or windows, just the holes where they used to be. We backtracked and peered inside.
We crouched by the entrance. Mongo was being good and remained silent.
The second floor and the roof both were made of nothing but beams of rotting wood, all surrounded by the stone bricks of the house. We could see the lemur from here, sitting idly on the edge of the roof. There were no stairs or easy way for me to get up there.
“Want me to take him out?” Donut asked.
“We need to do it silently,” I said. My slingshot would only piss it off. Donut’s magic missile could be a little loud.
“Be quiet, Mongo, and watch how Mommy does this.”
“Wait. Goddamnit, Donut,” I hissed.
But before I could protest further, Donut leaped into the air and landed on a second-floor beam. She crossed the roof, walking low. Huh, I thought. She’d managed to be a lot more quiet than I thought she could be considering her…
She jumped to the center ceiling beam, landing right behind the lemur.
Even from here I could hear the little charm on her collar jingle as she landed on the roof. In this silence, it was as loud as a damn church bell. Her backside armor also clinked loudly onto the beam.
Mongo, deciding he wanted in on the fun, screeched loudly.
The lemur turned, looking over his shoulder just as Donut pounced.
She somehow managed not to fall off the edge and into the street below. She slashed savagely at the creature, and he crumpled over, falling into the building, bouncing off one of the second-floor beams and cracking into the ground. Mongo rushed forward and pounced, landing hard on the not-yet-dead lemur. He ripped savagely at the furry monster’s stomach, unzipping him like he’d been trained. Mongo squeaked and shoved his head into the lemur’s now-open belly.
Holy shit, I thought, rushing forward.
Donut jumped down and sat next to her kill, looking triumphant.
“We’re gonna need to do something about that bell of yours if you want to be stealthy,” I said. “You’re too fragile to do stuff like that without planning it out.”
