by DoctorHepa
The show ended with Lucia Mar’s transformation. Her two rottweilers, as non-sapient pets, did not get the opportunity to change, so they remained dogs.
Lucia chose one of the oddest, most fucked-up races I’d seen so far.
“What the hell, kid,” I said, watching the show, completely aghast at her choice. “Why?”
A Lajabless, it was called.
She’d grown from her young, street-kid appearance to a full-grown adult woman. As the 3D image spun, her face altered, from that of a great beauty to a skull-faced monstrosity. The announcer explained that she would spend half the day as a beautiful woman and the other half as lady Skeletor. While she was in her woman form, her magic ability was doubled. Spells cost half as much, but her strength was cut in half. While she was sporting her dia de holy shit face, it was the opposite. Spells cost more, but she was twice as strong.
She also now walked with a limp. No more running on walls for her. Her right leg, and just her right leg, had transformed from a human limb to that of a hairy goat, complete with a cloven hoof.
As she emerged from the guildhall, clomping her new leg, even her two dogs looked freaked out by the transformation.
“She looks like she smells really bad,” Donut said.
“That race seems like a terrible idea,” I said.
“Maybe,” said Mordecai. “But she’s likely the most powerful crawler in this game. There’s probably a slew of hidden benefits in that racial choice that makes it worth it.”
And then was her class choice. Again, I couldn’t see what the details were. Just the name.
It was a triple class. A cleric, magic-user, warrior combo called a Black Inquisitor General.
“Wow,” I said. “And I thought that kid was a scary mo-fo before.”
The show ended, and a moment later the announcement came.
Welcome, again, Crawlers to the third floor!
There are still a few stragglers working on their class and race choices, and that’s okay. The vast majority of you are out and about and just starting to learn about the wonders of the Over City. We welcome you to a Dungeon Crawler World tradition.
You all have made some wondrous and unique choices. Of the just under 700,000 crawlers who’ve made a decision, we have seen almost 40,000 different class choices. Can you believe that? That is a record, and we are very proud to see such diversity.
A couple announcements regarding this third floor. While the bathroom penalties have been removed, we want to remind the crawlers that restrooms still populate this floor. In the villages you may find restrooms in any pub and in some shops. In the ruins, the toilets are just as prevalent as they were on the higher floors. Please do not force us to backtrack.
We are already seeing much interest in the sponsorship program. And while the program doesn’t officially get underway until the fourth floor, potential sponsors now have the ability to put in early bids. So remember to be as entertaining as possible!
Finally, many of you are discovering new abilities and spells and wish to try them out. We urge you to do so. But this is just a general warning that any attempts of violence against non-combatant npcs should be avoided. While this practice is technically not against the rules, the Borant corporation wishes to keep the citizenry as safe as possible. As a result, we have adjusted the experience counter for citizens down to zero. In addition, city guards have been given a slight boost in stats.
That’s all for now. Get out there and kill, kill, kill!
“What’s with the warning about the NPCs?” I asked.
“Who knows,” Mordecai said.
We spent some time talking about the day and some of the things Signet had said. She’d mentioned that Grimaldi had turned into something called a “Vine,” which led to a long, yawn-inducing conversation about plants and parasites and mind control. Mordecai counted on his fingers, giving me and Donut a long list of ways to deal with each kind of plant-based monster. This, apparently, was a subject of great interest to Mordecai.
“Now go rent a room and get some sleep,” he eventually said as he handed back the pile of potions. He’d been showing us how to combine certain potions to make them more potent and work more quickly. “I want you two up early. Tomorrow is going to be a big day.”
“What’re we doing?” Donut asked.
“Oh, it’s going to be amazing,” Mordecai said. “It’s going to be a day for the history books. It’ll be the first time you two do exactly what I tell you to do.”
A note from DoctorHepa
Happy Wednesday! I hope ya'll are staying safe. Here in Washington State, we still don't know when/how we'll open back up. How's it going where you are?
Chapter 55
Time to level Collapse: 6 days, 23 hours.
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I awakened to find a long message from Brandon just hovering in my field of vision. I put it aside for the moment while I let myself wake up. As usual, Donut had insisted we share a room. But instead of sleeping on my neck, she slept upon her newly-erected cat tree, which barely fit in the room. It’d taken me the better part of an hour to put it together using the paper instructions and provided Allen wrench. It seemed so surreal, so ridiculous to be completing such a mundane task in the middle of all this. But the tree was light, and we’d be able to store it and bring it out each night. While Donut slept on the top platform, Mongo curled up at the bottom. I also lit the cheap candle for her. It filled the small, rented room with the scent of home.
I watched Donut for a bit, and I could tell what she was doing. She wasn’t really asleep. She was just closing her eyes and pretending that she was back home in her favorite spot. After some time, I blew out the candle and went to sleep myself. When I woke up, Donut was back in her usual place on my neck, and Mongo had jumped onto my legs, sinking the whole bed in.
We’d also purchased a room for Mordecai, though when I wandered out to get breakfast, he was passed out at a round table with a still-full glass of something that smelled like mead. Gordo the Bopca was also passed out at the table, snoring so loud it sounded like a chainsaw.
“Gordo, wake up! Wake up immediately!” Donut cried as we entered the main room. “I need my breakfast, and you need to brush me!”
“Hold yer horses ye blowhard,” Gordo said, sitting up. He wiped the drool off his face. He shook his head and mumbled something under his breath. “I need to freshen up a bit, and I’ll get you fed, don’t you worry. And you can brush yourself, princess.”
“Well I never,” Donut said, looking appalled. She looked up at me expectantly. “Carl, do something.”
“Mordecai teach you the finger-breaking trick?” I asked, sliding into a chair next to the still-asleep incubus.
“Finger breaking? No. He made me a potion,” Gordo said. The short gnome stood and wiped himself off. “I told him I didn’t quite feel myself since you two arrived, and he offered to mix me a draft using a few things behind my bar. Something that’ll allow me to regain my dignity.” He glared at Donut. “It’s not right, taking advantage of me kind nature like that.”
“This is an outrage!” Donut said as Gordo disappeared into the back. “Mordecai, I wish to speak with you. Wake up!”
“Where am I?” Mordecai said, sitting up. He looked about wildly. He settled when his eyes met mine. “Oh,” he said. The incubus smelled like the floor of a biker’s bar. I got up to change seats, but Mordecai grabbed my arm, preventing me from moving.
“Do you always drink this much?” I said. “Why is it we’re just seeing this now?”
“You’re my manager, Mordecai,” Donut said. “Why are you turning the help against me? Now who’s going to brush my hair!”
Mordecai: Listen up both of you. Don’t say anything out loud. I had to make him a potion that would knock him out so I could go into his kitchens and find the newsletter.
Carl: Newsletter?
Mordecai: Yes. B
opcas and shopkeepers don’t have access to the feed, so they get a physical newsletter delivered after each recap episode. Once he passed out, I went into the back so I could read the brief. I also stole a few items for potions. I don’t have an inventory like you do, so take this.
He pulled several items from his pockets and handed them to me under the table. I pulled them into my inventory without looking. Almost all of them were loose herbs.
Carl: Holy shit, Mordecai. Is that cheating?
Mordecai: Managers only have one rule. We can’t engage in direct battle with mobs. Everything else is fair game.
Donut: YOU ARE LIKE A SPY. I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T BETRAY ME.
Carl: So, did you learn anything?
Mordecai: Yes. The brief is regional, and it warned of a potential major battle event happening in this area today or tonight. If they’re taking the time to warn the Bopcas about it, then it’s a big deal. It’s likely related to your elite friend. So you two need to eat your breakfast and hightail it to that town, and never come back this way. No dawdling.
Carl: Okay.
“Don’t forget to assign your stat points,” Mordecai said as Gordo returned with what looked like a bowl of lumpy oatmeal. He plopped two bowls on the table.
“I did last night,” I said. “I put all three points into strength.”
Donut’s magical brush appeared on the table in front of me. “You’re going to have to do it,” she said. I sighed and picked it up. I still needed to do my foot routine. While I brushed her, I pulled up the note from Brandon.
Brandon: Carl. You there, buddy? We were really happy to see you two on the recap tonight. I wanted to let you know we’re still dealing with selection. It’s slow going. None of the residents can choose human, lest they remain in their current condition, and there is a lot of pushback. The ones with cognitive issues have to pick some really weird races in order to remain viable. I’ll tell you all about it later. I stayed human. Chris and Imani did not. Most of the residents are still level one, but you would not believe the loot boxes they got for hitting the third floor without killing anything or dealing any damage. They all are getting Legendary Pacifist Boxes along with a ton of other ones. It’s ridiculous how much magical gear we now have. Some of these bastards are going to be more powerful than Imani pretty soon. Anyway, Mistress Tiatha says we’re likely pretty far from you now. I wanted to thank you again for your help. I hope we see each other again.
I sent him back a quick reply, asking him to stay safe. I contemplated telling him about Agatha, but I decided against it. I didn’t want anything to do with that, and I feared putting it in writing would be a mistake.
I wrote back, asking him if he knew what Donut’s new talent, Scutelliphily, was. Or if he knew what Cesta Punta was.
I also gave him a piece of advice, the same advice Odette had given us. If they weren’t done yet, and somebody had that manager ability, he needed to talk them into choosing it. Despite Mordecai’s raging alcoholism, I could already tell that benefit was the best chance we had at survival.
A half-hour later, Donut, Mongo, and I headed back out into the Over City ruins. The artificial sun had just risen, leaving long shadows throughout the wooden streets. Lazy wisps of smoke rose from random places throughout the city. The world smelled of sulfur and something else, something acrid, like an outboard motor that was burning too much oil. The air was cooler in the morning, though still warmer than the previous level. I took a deep breath of the smokey air. Mongo squeaked a few times, and Donut leaped to my shoulder.
I pulled up the first dungeon locator we came across to make sure I hadn’t gotten myself turned around, and we turned toward the Skyfowl settlement. We had a good 30 kilometers to go.
“Look, the blood is all gone,” Donut said as we passed a place where we’d killed a lemur the day before. Mongo had made a real mess of the body, splattering blood everywhere.
“Remember what Mordecai said? Every floor has a janitor mob. The rats, then the brindle grubs. We haven’t seen the ones for this floor yet. They might only come out at night.”
“Are we really going to do everything Mordecai says?” Donut said.
“Today we are,” I said. “He may have some issues, but he knows what he’s doing. He was right, and I was wrong yesterday. We should never have kicked up that hornet’s nest. Especially now that we know how those elites work. We need to stay as far away from those assholes as…”
You have been stunned!
You have been paralyzed!
You have been rendered Unconscious!
Why do you got to get killed? You ain’t so little as mice.
I didn’t bounce you hard.
~
My head felt as if a pickup truck had rolled over it. I groaned. Multiple, increasingly-frantic messages from Mordecai appeared in my vision. I mentally waved them away. I sat up, looking around frantically. I was in a darkened room. I’d been placed on a ratty, old couch that stank of mildew. I still had all of my equipment. My health was full.
Donut? Where’s Donut?
My chest pulled with fear. No, I don’t want to be alone.
“Donut?” I called. “Where are you?”
No answer.
Carl: Donut? Fuck, please answer me.
There was no answer. I pulled up my minimap, but I didn’t see her at all. I couldn’t see anything. But she was still there in the party menu, which meant she was alive. Only slightly relieved, I called for her again, this time louder.
I heard something. A screech. It was distant, but it came from another room. The moment I heard it, an orange dot appeared on my map. Mongo. Mongo was still alive.
Calm down. Take a deep breath. Think about this for a moment.
What had happened? I tried to remember. We’d been walking and talking. We’d barely just hit the main road. I hadn’t seen anything. Mongo didn’t warn us of the attack. I’d been stunned, then paralyzed, then knocked out.
The AI seemed to think I was about to die. It’d read a quote from Of Mice and Men. As a kid, I’d had to read that damn book three times in school, as a result of constantly moving around. Later as an adult, I kept a copy with me in my bunk. I’d read it over and over. It was one of my favorite books, not because I liked the story but because it felt so familiar to me, like comfort food. It was kind of a fucked-up scene for the AI to quote, but it almost felt like it was supposed to be soothing.
Carl: Mordecai, I just woke up. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know where Donut is. I don’t know where I am.
Mordecai: Oh thank the gods. Are you tied up? In a cage? In a web?
Carl: I’m on a couch. I’m not tied up, and I still have all my stuff. It’s dark in here, though. I can’t see anything.
Mordecai: Okay. I can see Donut is alive. I can’t see where she is. If you just awakened now, she’ll probably wake soon. You’ll see her on your map when she does as long as she’s not too far. Spend a few minutes looking around, gather all the info you can, and tell me what you see.
The level countdown had gone down significantly. I calculated in my head. I’d been unconscious for fifteen hours. Holy shit. It was a kick in the teeth. Even if I somehow got out of this, whatever the hell this was, I’d lost fifteen fucking hours. When every second counted, that was a serious setback.
I checked my notifications to see if there were any clues. I received three achievements. One for getting stunned, a second for getting paralyzed, and a third:
New achievement! Lazarus!
You have been hit with—and survived—an offensive spell that was higher than level 15. The fact you are not a quivering stain of meat on the dungeon floor right now is testament to your sheer luck. It’s either that or you’re banging the producer.
Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Lucky Bastard Box!
It didn’t tell me what the spell was, but the moment I read it, I was certain I knew who had cast it.
“Signet,” I said. “Are you here?”
“You
hurt my feelings,” she said, whispering in my ear. I felt a warm hand on my upper leg, between my boxers and kneepads.
“Fuck,” I said, practically jumping out of my skin. Her firm, strong hand held me firmly in place. Had she been next to me the whole time? Goosebumps crawled across me.
“You called me an asshole,” she continued. She practically bit at my ear. Her breath was hot on my neck. I tried not to shiver. She was level 60. If she wanted me dead, there would be nothing I could do about it. “You were leaving. You had promised me you would come back.”
“Where is Donut?” I said.
“She is safe. Don’t you worry. I even saved that little dinosaur of hers. Your friend is still asleep and will remain asleep.”
“I want to see her,” I said.
“Of course, of course,” Signet said. “We shall see her on the way out.”
“I’m not going anywhere without Donut,” I said.
“You will do exactly as I say,” Signet said. “I followed you and your pet this morning. I wanted to see if you would abide by your promise. You lied to me, Carl. I was tempted to just melt the both of you right then. But I can be forgiving. I have a forgiving nature. My mother was a Naiad, and she taught me that grace should always be observed, even in the face of betrayal.”
“Your mother sounds very smart,” I said. “But I will be grabbing my cat, and we will be leaving now.”
Her hand remained on my knee in the dark room. I felt her palm rustle unnaturally as something moved by just under her skin. “Like I said, your cat is asleep. My mother taught me more than just grace. She taught me magic. Heirloom magic, which is the strongest. The spell is called Water Lily. Isn’t it a beautiful name? She was a princess, once. My mother, I mean. Before the confederacy usurped the crown. I would be tsarina were I full-blooded. I told this to Grimaldi, once. He changed my name to Tsarina Signet after that.”
