In his mind Charlie had two distinct jobs and he took a pride in both of them.
On the one hand he was an auxiliary Police officer and he would report for work at the front counter most days to be assigned a task.
‘What I got to do today?’
The front office Pc would usually deploy him to the seafront to check the beach huts, a task he would carry out faithfully. Charlie knew most of the officers by name, they indulged him and he became somewhat of a mascot. To the people of the town he was a harmless (if verbally toxic) little character who added an element of fun to their daily lives. Charlie’s other job was that of “Bus driver” and although his bus was imaginary he took his duties very seriously. Woe betide anyone who impeded his progress or did not take cognisance of his authority as a Police Auxiliary.
In order to be appropriately dressed for work Charlie would wear an old dark blue Police peaked hat which had been given to him by one of the lads (minus the chequered band) and he made this double up for both roles.
Charlie, on any given day, would walk several miles following his chosen occupations. He would provide the necessary sound effects for the bus himself as he negotiated the pavements in the town centre, Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
He was nothing if not professional and he would take the utmost care as he reversed through Woolworth’s…Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep………..Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Errrrrrrrrrrrrr.
There were three Magistrates sitting at court on the day, the Chairwoman being Lady Rebecca Levene. Also present were the Clerk of the Court, various solicitors, members of the Press and the Probation Service. There were a few members of the public who had attended in support of a young man who was about to be sentenced for shoplifting.
The Court room was hushed as the Magistrates read the necessary Social Enquiry Reports.
In the distance came…..Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Errrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Benny knew, instantly, who it was and he could see the smiles starting to spread across the faces of the Magistrates who clearly did also……Errrrrrrrrrrrrr, it got closer, somebody at the back of the room started to giggle………..Errrrrrrrrrrrrrr………..Lady Levene looked up and Benny could see that she was struggling to maintain her composure.
Errrrrrrrrrrrrrr………………………………….. Charlie was making his way through the yard………….Errrrrrrrrrrrrrr, ‘Fucking!’ ‘Fuck!’ ‘Fucking!’ ‘Fuck!’ ‘Fucking!’ ‘Fuck!’ Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr………‘Fucking!’ ‘Fuck!’ ‘Fucking!’ ‘Fuck!’ Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr………………………
The room erupted in laughter and the Magistrates were trying hard to retain their dignity and not fall off of their seats. Charlie continued his progress ‘Fucking!’ ‘Fuck!’ ‘Fucking!’ ‘Fuck!’ Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Through tears of laughter Lady Levene declared, ‘I think that we had better adjourn for ten minutes to consider this case.’
‘Court Stand!’ announced the Usher in a high pitched voice.
The Magistrates left for the sanctuary of their Retiring room. Even though the door was slammed shut behind them those remaining in the court were sure that they could hear the sound of giggling.
Chapter 7 – A few holes.
On one particular Saturday afternoon during the CID Attachment, Benny attended a reported Sudden Death in the company of Detective Sergeant Terry Connor.
The CID had been requested to attend by the patrol officer who had been first on the scene as the cause of death was “Unexplained” and the attendant circumstances were somewhat unusual.
The Scene was the garden of a cottage located in a nearby village. The elderly man who had lived in the cottage had apparently fallen and drowned in the well.
On arrival they were met by a Police Constable who led them to the rear garden where they were shown the body of Mr Ernie Pearson, who lay under a red ambulance blanket on the lawn. Mr Pearson was about 70 years old and a large man of about 16 stones in weight. He was wearing a white shirt and grey trousers which had clip on braces attached to them. His clothing was saturated with water.
The uniformed constable on his initial attendance, had been shown to the back garden by a lady neighbour who had indicated Mr Pearson submerged in the well and motionless. He had called for the Fire Service and on their arrival he had left them to set about the task of retrieving the body while he returned to his vehicle to call Control on his radio.
On returning to the rear of the property the constable saw that the Firemen had managed to get Mr Pearson out of the well. They said that they had administered “mouth to mouth” but that they could not revive him. The constable was shortly to be joined by an Ambulance Crew who took the same view. Both the Fire and Ambulance officers had departed the scene before the arrival of the CID.
Benny started by making enquiries with Marjory Hopkins, the neighbour who had made the initial report. She told him that Ernie Pearson had lived alone following the death of his wife several years previously and that when she and her husband first took up residence 15 years ago, they had had a good relationship with him. However, he had in recent months suffered from dementia and he had become very erratic in his behaviour. She explained that during the war Mr Pearson was captured in Singapore and that he had been a Prisoner of War which had left him with a mental condition. Recently he had taken to shouting and swearing at aircraft as they were passing overhead. He was convinced that it was still wartime and that they were all Japanese.
Mrs Hopkins told Benny that earlier in the afternoon she was sitting outside on her patio when she had become aware of someone in Ernie’s garden. Her view had been restricted by the dividing fence but she had recognised the sound of the wooden cover being dragged from the top of the well. She then heard a shout followed by the sound of splashing water and this had prompted her to take a look over the fence.
She could see no-one in the garden but she could see that the wooden lid of the well had been removed and that it was lying on the grass. She had then rushed next door only to find that Ernie was submerged in the well and that he was motionless. She made an attempt to reach him but the water level was too low. Benny took a written statement from her covering the circumstances and this would be presented later at the Coroner’s Inquest.
Benny returned next door and he re-joined Terry Connor who was standing over the body chatting to Inspector Bert Marshall who had just arrived.
‘We’d better examine the body now governor, before we think about getting the undertakers to take him to the Mortuary,’ said Terry.
Terry removed the blanket and they saw that Ernie was laid on his back. Terry then examined the front of Ernie’s torso after which, together, they rolled Ernie over onto his front. What they then saw made them gasp.
There were two holes through the shirt and further inspection revealed that, correspondingly, there were two deep holes in his body, each of about one inch in diameter. These had pierced the rib cage. But there was a complete absence of blood.
‘Bloody hell governor, He’s been stabbed! Good job we found that before the body went to the Mortuary otherwise we would have been in deep shit.’
Terry Connor was silent for a few minutes. He had an important decision to make. Do we call out Scenes of Crime officers (SOCO) and a Home Office Pathologist or do we rely on just the Post Mortem result?
At this point Inspector Marshall asked the constable, ‘How did the fire brigade get the body out of the well then boy?’
‘They told me that they pulled him out by his braces sir but I didn’t see them do it because I was on the radio at the time.’
‘No. I don’t believe that. That’s Bollocks!’ said Inspector Marshall, ‘You can’t get them bloody things to stay on at the best of times.’
‘Yes guvnor, he’s certainly a big bloke and the water would have made him even heavier’ said Terry Connor.
‘You know what Terry,’ said the Inspector ’I reckon the fire brigade gaffed him and dragged him out that w
ay.’
‘What do you mean when you say that they gaffed him, governor?’ said Terry.
‘They gaffed him like a fish. I have seen them do it before when I was on the Diving Unit, callous sods. They use a bloody great pike staff with a hook on it to fish bodies out of the water.’
They considered all of the facts as they saw them including the absence of blood around the wound. They knew that this indicated that the body had been stabbed after death and added total credence to the Inspector’s hypothesis. On that basis Terry took the decision to have the body taken to the Mortuary.
Benny was dispatched immediately to the Fire Station to speak to the Station officer and to try and recover the offending implement. Luckily the relevant Fire engine had since returned to base and Benny was able to make enquiries with the crew and seize the pike staff without too much trouble.
The following day the Post Mortem was held at the District General Hospital. The Pathologist established that the death of Ernest Pearson had been caused by drowning. During the procedure Terry Connor requested that the Pathologist take the hook of the pike staff and compare it to the wounds caused to Mr Pearson’s ribcage. The hook and the wounds were found to be a physical fit. Furthermore, and more conclusively, they had indeed been inflicted after death which, as they had suspected, had accounted for the absence of blood around the wounds.
Later Benny and Terry were able to obtain supporting witness statements from the fire officers to account for the wounds to the body. These of course were taken in the presence of the Fire Brigades Union rep. The Fire officers had under the circumstances, made a judgement that Mr Pearson was beyond help and with the best of intentions they had taken a practical approach to the problem of retrieving him from the well.
Thus, the “Murder” of Ernie Pearson was solved.
Chapter 8 – Characters.
At the conclusion of his CID attachment Benny returned to patrol duties with C Shift. It had been a good month during which he had been involved in several interesting cases managing to learn quite a lot in that short space of time. It had been a valuable insight.
Benny was now sure of the fact that he wanted to be a Detective but for now he had to complete his Probationary period and gain more experience of Uniform patrol duties.
Not having passed a Police driving course at that stage Benny was mostly engaged on town centre foot patrol. Benny had undergone an assessment for a temporary driving permit which entailed a Police Driving Instructor sitting beside him while he drove for twenty minutes or so, around the District.
On arriving back in the Police Station yard the Instructor had turned to him and said, ‘Do you always drive like that?’
Benny said, rather proudly ‘Yes I do.’
‘The sooner we get you on a course the better then son. That was bloody awful.’
So it was foot patrol for the foreseeable future with the occasional stint as “Area Car Observer” which was a much coveted role as it meant being the second officer in the main response vehicle and getting to attend 999 calls.
Benny worked hard at getting to know the traders in the town and also the various characters who hung around the pubs and the amusement arcades. Many of these people had settled in Lee-over-sands having come from other parts of the country attracted by casual work on the Pier and seasonal work at the various holiday camps. Like many British seaside resorts in the 1970s Lee-over-sand’s economy was in decline. Spanish holidays were in vogue and as a result many of the guest houses in British seaside resorts were turned into bed-sit accommodation. These also attracted criminals and wasters of which there seemed to be an endless supply.
However, some of the characters were harmless eccentrics, for instance there were Mrs Kowalski and her young lover Bert. She was in her 70s (and he in his 60s) but she had been something of a beauty in her younger days. However, she still dressed to thrill, held herself well, and her hair was always immaculately tied in a French knot.
Bert was technically her lodger. He was smartly turned out, but unfortunately, he always wore the same grey suit. They could regularly be seen walking around the town centre with Bert always a few paces behind her and usually engaged in an act of pleading.
This was a moving scene, full of pathos, which would often erupt in a full blown shouting match over nothing in particular. It was pure Burton and Taylor.
There was “The Duchess” who was also of advanced years. She was effectively a vagrant who slept rough on the lower promenade and treated the local Library as her living room. She had obviously come from good stock as she spoke with an “upper class” accent. When not luxuriating on the seafront she would go about her business in the town centre festooned with her worldly possessions in various plastic carrier bags.
For all her nobility her ladyship’s beauty regime was not the most rigorous. She was known to bathe occasionally, usually in the sea naked, and under full public gaze at the height of the summer season. She also had a disturbing habit of sunbathing on the promenade fully clothed but she would expose her genitalia to any unsuspecting male passer-by. Most people tried to ignore her but she would sometimes be the subject of complaints that were made by indignant holidaymakers at the front counter of the Police Station.
In that event, and if one was available, a female officer would be dispatched to “liaise” with “The Duchess” over her latest outrage. If there were only male officers available they would not dream of approaching her individually lest they be made the subject of some spurious allegation. She would insist that what had occurred had been purely accidental or, that she was a victim of circumstance, and always being stalked by a succession of young suitors.
The “Duchess” was clearly delusional and although some very well intentioned people would try to help her she would not accept “Charity.” She would not accept the offer of accommodation at the local night shelter nor would she entertain Social Services whom she dismissed as a bunch of interfering Left wing Socialists.
Like a seasonal bird, “The Duchess” would migrate from the Lee-over sands area as the temperature dropped in the late autumn only to return to the town in the spring.
Nobody had a clue where she went to and that was her business. What could you do with a woman like that?
Then of course there was “Hector the Hair.” The Police were well aware of him as a regular street nuisance. Hector had a problem, you see. Although only in his 30s, tall, fit and single, he was losing his hair. He was quite handsome in a rugged sort of way. He was a talented song writer and he’d had at least one of his songs recorded by a pop group in the sixties. This had reached number eight in the Hit Parade. Because he was still hankering after fame, he was very conscious of his image and his self- esteem was gradually being eroded. Like his hairline.
Hector had tried all sorts of styles. He had tried growing his hair very long at the back and at the sides which he would tease up into position to cover his embarrassment. He had tried the “comb over” a la Bobby Charlton but he decided that this did not suit him at all. So he kept it short. What he was left with had a very wide parting indeed.
Would he still be attractive to women? Did they really care if he was challenged in the hair department? What he needed was some kind of reassurance. So he asked the women who were known to him. “Am I going bald?” He would bend over and present his head for inspection and place himself at their tender mercy.
‘No darling your fine. Nothing wrong there love.’ They were too kind.
Now Hector was Psychotic, but he was not stupid and he realised that he would have to broaden his research to gain a dispassionate and unbiased opinion. He told himself that he should sit outside Pollards, which was a medium sized clothing manufacturer in the town.
‘There are lots of women in there and surely they will be kind enough to help me’. There were in fact some thirty female machinists at Pollards and they would regularly sit along the front wall at lunchtime to chat and eat their sandwiches.
On day one o
f his research project Hector hung around outside the factory arriving just after midday. The lunch bell went at 12.30pm and the girls then started streaming out of the building and they took up their positions on the wall. Hector didn’t really know them but they appeared to be a good natured bunch, chatting away happily. He started at the end of the line with a blonde women in her 50s.
‘Excuse me. I’m doing some research. Can you tell me if I’m going bald?’
‘Oh I don’t know dear. Let’s have a look.’ The woman replied. Hector assumed the position.
‘I wouldn’t like to say dear, I’m not really qualified, Lesley does hairdressing, perhaps you should ask Lesley. What do you think Mavis?’ Hector remained in position and offered his head to the next woman, Mavis.
‘A good cut can make all of the difference and maybe a nice hair massage. Lesley could sort you out with that. What do you reckon Jill?’
Hector remaining bent over, moved along the line to Jill.
‘Oh yeah, Lesley could give him the treatment alright. What do you reckon Iris?’
Hector was really encouraged by this and he could feel a miracle cure for baldness marching in his direction. He kept his head down, almost in submission, as he sought the collective advice of these wise women. He moved along the line, until finally one of the women said………..’What do you think Lesley? Can you do anything?’
Hector felt that he was in the presence of greatness as the highly esteemed Lesley descended from the wall.
Hector then felt Lesley grab his shoulders. He was then seized roughly from behind by two great hands that grabbed and squeezed the cheeks of his arse. Hector wrested himself free from his assailant’s grasp and was confronted with the sight of “Lesley”, a 6 foot long haired –male? Lesley was wearing a ladies overall, with clip on earrings, make up and stockings.
An Oik's Progress Page 4
