“I just think it’s for the best. I knew better from the beginning, even asked him to add what amounted to a no fraternization clause into my work contract.”
Deacon snapped his fingers. “Why didn’t I think of that?” He asked aloud. Then he laughed. “Oh yeah, because no one ever adheres to those things and the only way they’re useful is if you want to prove something happened so you can get rid of a troublesome employee. I find them distasteful because I don’t want to be in anyone’s bedroom business any more than I’m already forced to when stupid musicians make ridiculous decisions that end up being a problem for everyone.”
I cringed at the thought he saw me as someone’s stupid decision. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled.
“Don’t be. We all saw this coming.” That felt a little like a slap to me. “Not the fallout, Melanie, but we all saw the attraction between the two of you. It’s hard to miss. It’s just damn unfortunate that this world,” he raised his hands to indicate the rock star world we were currently embedded in, “skews people’s vision. I hope you keep that in mind, moving forward. What he thought he saw, it’s something that he’s used to from the people in this industry and those who live on the sidelines of it.” I started to speak, but he refused to let me. “I know, it’s not an excuse but just like I’m sure you have baggage that dictates how you react to situations at this stage in your life, so does Gabe.”
There was nothing else I could do but nod my head in agreement. He wasn’t wrong. That didn’t mean jumping back into something with a man who was still hung up on his ex and who would aim to hurt someone first, rather than understand, was going to happen. “The schedule will be very helpful,” was all I managed.
“I’m going to be away, working with some other assholes who can’t seem to get their shit together. Ev is taking over while I’m gone. If you need anything, you see her. I promise you, she’ll take your back if anyone is bothering you. She’s been there before and knows exactly how it feels to get hit with both the negatives and positives of dating a musician.” Deacon winked at me then. “Now, get out of here before my appointment shows up. I’m fairly certain you don’t want to be here for that one.”
“Thanks,” I told him as I scurried out and took the straightest line back to the busses that I could with my head down and earbuds in. They weren’t actually connected to my cell phone. I simply didn’t mind doing whatever it took to avoid having to talk to people just yet. Unfortunately, that didn’t quite work out. Just before I hopped on the bus, a hand reached out and grabbed hold of my arm, near my elbow.
“Mel, we need to talk. I’m sorry,” he started to say before I ripped my arm away from him. Gabe looked like absolute shit. His eyes were red-rimmed, he still hadn’t shaved this morning, and I was pretty sure he was still wearing last night’s clothes which smelled like a brewery exploded all over them. “Please, let me apologize,” he begged.
“Unless you’re bleeding to death, I don’t want you near me right now.” That was all I could manage before I ran up the bus steps and closed the door behind me. I turned to the driver who was readying us to take off for the day. “If there’s a way to lock him out, please do that.”
“Gabe’s in the shitter, huh?” I glared at the man for a moment.
“I guess you’re the only one who didn’t hear about all the drama.”
He chuckled. “Honey, drama is the fuel that keeps this circus on turning wheels from stop to stop.”
“That’s not very comforting.”
He gave an indifferent heft of his shoulder to match the expression on his face. “Doesn’t make it any less true.”
I guess that was part of what was left for me to learn in life. Just because I didn’t want something to be true, didn’t mean that it wouldn’t end up crushing my life. No. That happened once before. I wasn’t going to allow another man to dictate my happiness. Things needed to change, and while I might be stuck on this bus and tour for another few months, there were things that I could throw myself into, learn, and come out the better for. It just so happened that one of those things was now out of the question, for good.
17 – Band-Aids & Bullet Holes
Two weeks. Nine shows. I only managed to catch a few quick glimpses of Mel before she’d disappear from sight again. It was like she knew my schedule better than I did and more importantly, how to avoid me as a result.
There had to be a way to get her to talk to me again, so that I could explain. I laughed at myself then. Explain what? How the fuck was I supposed to explain away my rash response, or the fact that the worst case scenario is the one I pinned on her to cause that reaction in the first place. Mel was different.
“Is it another ‘I spotted Mel’ so I’m going to be a little bitch day? Or are you finally going to put that brain of yours to work and come up with a plan to win her back?”
“John, how the hell do I even start to do that?”
“Well, what have you done so far?”
I just stared at the man who had been my best friend for almost twenty years. The answer was embarrassing. Nothing. I’d done absolutely nothing beyond sulking about it. After she shot me down, I’d just gone on with life, defeated. John shook his head at me.
“You would think that you learned your lesson with Kendra,” he told me.
“Keep your damn voice down,” I hissed at the asshole. “She’s the reason I ended up down this rabbit hole too.”
“Nah, your dumb-ass mouth, and lying to your son, is the reason you ended up here.”
“I didn’t lie to him.”
“Didn’t you?”
That was when I really started paying attention to what John was saying. It wasn’t the first time he tried to have this particular conversation with me, but for some reason, my mind – or maybe my heart – was ready to accept what he had been trying to convey to me for years. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Look, I’m not saying Kendra isn’t an absolute doll. We’ve all met her now. She’s an amazing woman, and maybe in another life, things could have worked out for the two of you. The fact is, they didn’t. I know you guys both thought you were in love, but let’s think it through. If you truly loved her, with every piece of you, would you have walked away for a chance at fame?”
“I walked away for a chance to offer her a better life.”
“I’ve met Kendra, dude. She had nothing to do with your decision. That girl would have lived in a studio apartment and made fliers for you with crayons and construction paper if she needed to. She would have helped get you there. You took the fast track and lost the girl as a result.”
“I planned to come back for her,” the fight in my head fled and the words were weak as I spoke them.
“Sure, you did, and when you heard she was on a date with someone else, when you saw her pregnant again a few months later, you never questioned it. Never approached her. Never wondered whose kid that was. Let’s be real here, Gabe. The younger you wasn’t ready for those responsibilities. You know what went down between Jade and me, so this isn’t just lip service. If she was that easy to give up, it probably wasn’t meant to be for you guys.” He chuckled. “Hell, she went on to have three more kids, with three more dudes. Yeah, you guys were each other’s first love, but it was easy enough for you to both move on to your new lives.”
“I don’t think I’d call what either of us went through, easy.”
“Nope, but neither of you worked really hard to get back what you thought was so miraculous.”
“It took me a long time to get over her,” I argued with literally no passion backing the sentiment.
“Nah,” he disagreed while shaking his head. “You used her, and the love you thought you lost, to keep other people at bay so you wouldn’t have to try.” He patted me on the back. “I love you like a brother, you know that, but until now, you weren’t ready to settle down that way. We all have our excuses for why we do the things we do. Kendra was your excuse, not your lifelong love. It’s about time you
came to terms with that, and while you’re at it, let your son off the hook that you think you’ve been swinging on. He and that girl of his weren’t together for long before the accident. He feels responsible for what happened to her, not love.”
“You don’t know that.” I argued.
“Yeah, I do. Somewhere deep down, you know it too. Let the kid off the hook and do that girl a favor while you’re at it. She has been trying to move on, and he won’t let her. Maybe I’m wrong, and they’ll find their way back to one another, but what if I’m right and he’s sticking it out for all the wrong reasons? Do you think either of them will be happy in a relationship built on guilt and resentment?”
“When did you become the love guru?” I asked of my friend.
He glanced down at his feet and then back up at me. “Things change and offer a little clarity. You had your regrets leading to your decisions, and I forgot to regret the stupidity of my youth. You know what went down between Jade and me all those years ago. I wasn’t ready. She was. It took us being apart, seeing her actually moving on, for me to realize what I’d had in front of me all along. Then, everything that happened afterward…”
“Are you two doing okay now, after everything that happened in the first half of the tour?”
John nodded his head and then turned to go, but before he got too far, he glanced back and offered his parting advice. “Don’t let the past keep holding you prisoner, man. Make a plan and go after the girl you were waiting for all along.”
As John left me there, sitting in the break room of the radio station where we had just done an interview a few minutes before, I pulled my phone out and started searching. I ordered the delivery and then called security so that they’d be expecting it at the venue and could get everything to Mel without any issues. It wasn’t until I got back to the venue myself that I realized the delivery had gone off without a hitch, but the flowers I’d sent had been dumped in the trash can that was sitting outside the bus for all the empty beer bottles and cans from the parking lot party the bands and road crew seemed to be throwing.
She wouldn’t even accept flowers from me? John found me, once again. This time, I was staring at the flowers being crushed by all the other rubbish. “That was the best you could do?”
“I figured it was a start.”
John handed me his freshly opened beer. “Here. You need this more than I do.” Then he walked off laughing. I caught a few pitying glances thrown my way and a few hateful ones too. Everyone loved Mel, and they thought I was a piece of shit for ever even looking at a groupie, let alone touching one. Actually, they all thought I was a fucking idiot for thinking Mel would ever be giving Lonny a blowjob in a back room at a venue. They weren’t wrong about that. I fucking hated myself for the thought. Hell, it took months of knowing we were both attracted to one another before she would even acknowledge it, let alone act on anything. I shook my head, then drained the beer in my hands, completely disgusted with myself.
Then, a song came on that hit a chord and I knew exactly what I would do the next time I caught Mel peeking out from the wings. She didn’t think I ever saw her there, but it was one of the few times these past weeks when I would catch a glimpse of her. It was also one of the only things that still gave me hope that I might change her mind. She was still watching us perform a couple nights a week.
~*~
I had my chance, the following night. As Mel stood there, trying to hide her beautiful face behind some material that draped down the side of the stage, I stopped what we were doing. “I have a little something I need to say,” I told the audience. “Not long ago, I let my stupidity and previous experience lead me to a conclusion that was completely false. In doing so, I ended up hurting someone with my actions. She won’t allow me to apologize to her, so I’m hoping she’ll hear this, and know where it’s coming from.
My bandmates had no clue what the fuck I was doing. We hadn’t rehearsed this, at all, so I jumped in without any backup and started playing The Reason, by Hoobastank. I refused to write songs of regret about Mel the way that I had about Kendra in my early years. It seemed like a bad omen now, so instead, I used some lyrics I thought might convey what I needed her to know. It wasn’t necessarily a perfect fit, but then again, parking lot party musical inspiration rarely fit perfectly. I was mid-way through the song before I had the nerve to glance back over to where she had been hiding in the wings. It was just in time to see her walking away with shoulders slumped.
How was it possible that I kept fucking this up so badly? Two days after that failed attempt to apologize, I left a letter for her on the bus. Dusty Rose was back after a couple of weeks hiatus, so I figured she would return to their bus instead of the one she was on with some of the other crew. Unfortunately, later that evening, I found the unopened envelope in the trashcan of my dressing room. John was with me when I pulled it out.
“Damn dude, when she said she didn’t want to see or hear from you unless you were bleeding to death, I guess she really meant it.” Then he grinned at me like a kid who just found out today was Christmas, in July, and it was time to open presents. “Maybe, it’s about time you started bleeding for her?”
I just stared at my friend, wondering what kind of drugs he was on. He continued laughing at his own joke while I continued to think he was crazy, until I didn’t. It was John’s turn to look at me as though I were the unbalanced one when I ripped the envelope open and swiped the written pages across the side of my finger. Blood welled, almost instantly.
“I wasn’t being serious,” John managed to get out, despite his jaw seeming not to be able to close. “That’s insane. You know that right?”
I just shrugged my shoulders. “Mel is our medical professional. She can’t turn me away this time.”
“Good luck with that,” he called to me as I left the dressing room to head to the spot where I’d seen the road crew toting Mel’s supply bag.
She wasn’t there, but there was a roadie stationed with the bag, walkie in hand. “You on Mel duty?” I asked. He nodded his head while also narrowing his eyes at me. Yeah, she had the whole crew on her side. Good for her, she deserved to have their loyalty, since I showed her that I certainly hadn’t earned it. I held up my bleeding finger and told him that I needed medical attention. The asshole actually reached into the bag and attempted to hand me a band aid. I tipped my head to the side and gave him the look. The one that let him know she’d have many more wounds to treat – on both of us – if he didn’t get her here.
“Fine,” he huffed and then requested Mel return to medical to treat someone. She showed up, nearly out of breath from running here, it seemed.
“What’s going on, Mike?” She asked the kid who smirked and pointed to me.
“Someone has a boo-boo that needs treatment.” Really, fucker? I would remember that, later. For now, I just turned and pouted as I held my hand up for Mel to see the blood that had already started to clot. Damn it. She rolled her eyes at me as she stepped forward to take a look anyway. Seeing that Mike still held the band aid in his hand, she snatched it up, ripped the paper off and then the sticker backing before slapping it firmly on my wound.
“There you go.” She stepped back quickly, tucking her hair behind her ears so it wasn’t in her face. “Honestly, half the crew has come down with the flu or something, so if that’s all I was called away for, then you need to learn to suck it up and quit whining.” Mike couldn’t seem to control the laughter at my expense while Mel just turned to head back in the direction she had come from.
“She’s something else,” Mike muttered, clearly in awe of the woman as she strolled away as if she hadn’t a care in the world.
“Yeah, she is. So, quit eye-fucking her, asshole.”
Mike laughed again. “Man, she’s like a sister to me.” He turned a glare my way. “You need to make that shit right,” he warned.
“I’ve been trying. She won’t accept my apology, or even listen to one.”
He scoffed at me. “
She doesn’t have to accept your apology. After seeing this pathetic display, I kind of understand why.” He fucking laughed at me again. “Maybe you should try candy and flowers instead of crybaby papercuts.”
“Asshole! I sent her some fucking flowers. She threw them away. I wrote her a note, which she also tossed in the trash – unread. I sang her a song. She said she didn’t want to see me unless I was bleeding to death,” I admitted.
“So, you thought a papercut would get you enough facetime to what? Stare at her? You didn’t even really say anything. You let her tell you off and walk away.” He shook his head. “Up your game and use your words, man. You’re a songwriter. There has to be some game in that noggin of yours, right?”
I was going to be 38 years old in a few months, and honestly still had no clue how to handle women, especially the ones who were mad at me. John’s summation of my life came back to haunt me then. He was right. I’d never really tried with Kendra. I’d never given any effort to any of the women I’d been with since. The hard truth of that was none of them inspired me to want to do those things, step it up, and make sure that they kept coming back. Mel though, I’d do just about anything to have her smile at me again. To hear her laugh. To feel her next to me. Fuck!
Unfortunately, there was no time to formulate a new plan because trouble walked backstage in the form of Wen’s wife and she had Alyssa in tow behind her. This couldn’t be good. The fact that Dusty Rose had to come back for the rest of the tour had most likely, finally, made the rounds and got back to Janet. “Where is he?” She shouted the moment she saw me standing there in the hall, yelling at Mike. She hadn’t see me yet, but when she did, all that anger was redirected toward me.
Revived Page 18
