But after the lake party? After the lake party, I spent all night thinking about the pattern of his hands running up and down my ribcage and the warmth of his shoulder beneath my head. It was the night that changed us. How badly I wanted that magic again.
Too bad it was a frigid November evening. No one was going to be wrapped in a towel down at the dock tonight. We stood in Willow’s living room, red solo cups in our hands as we looked out across the nearly frozen lake.
“I feel like I’ve been here before,” remarked Gray, with a subtle nudge to the ribs.
“That was a good night,” I said, looking up at him through a heavy fringe of dark lashes.
Gray took a long drink of the concoction in his cup. “Parts of it were better than others,” he said, a smile playing at the corner of his lips. “I could do without the part where I lost to Simon and Freddy.”
“Tied,” I corrected.
“It’s the same thing,” said Gray, still every bit as stubborn about it as he had been that night. “But you know,” he continued. “If it weren’t for that race I never would have beat my PR.”
My forehead creased as I tried to understand what he meant. After the deal with the notebook, we hadn’t trained together. I assumed having more time for his own training and less time focusing on mine had made the difference. But maybe I was wrong.
“Swimming in open water was so much harder than the pool. That first time I jumped in the pool after the party felt like I was flying, not swimming.”
I nodded, trying to relate to feeling anything other than exercise while swimming. “So, I started training in the lake behind Simon’s house. The harder I worked to swim against the waves the easier the pool felt. I never would have tried that in Encinitas,” said Gray, his expression far off and thoughtful.
I wanted to make a sassy remark about all the other new and exciting things he could learn if he just stayed in Minnesota, but it still felt like we were on shifting ground. I was afraid that all it would take was me saying one wrong thing to convince him that everything I wrote in that notebook was more important to me than the very real things I felt whenever I looked at him.
“Hey,” said Willow, “I was wondering if I could borrow Addy for a second?”
I gave Gray a quick help-me look, but he was already wandering off to where Simon stood awkwardly in the corner. You would think that after three years of swim team he would be better at socializing with the team, but that wasn’t really Simon. He was a nerd who just happened to be good at a sport. His kind were few and far between. I was glad Gray had connected with him and not a total douche canoe like Freddy.
Speaking of douche canoes, Willow was still standing in front of me, only there was something different about her. Her usual power stance was replaced by a shy, slightly hunched posture, one hand clasping the other elbow, her face unreadable.
“So…” I started, hoping the nervous look wasn’t all just a clever rue for an unexpected public shanking.
“I haven’t been very nice to you,” she said, then stopped as if there was no further explanation needed.
“I noticed?” I answered, my voice raising at the end like a question.
“And I’m sorry,” she mumbled, looking everywhere but at me.
I didn’t know what to say. Was this even the same girl I had spent the last three months at practice with? The chick who hugged everyone but me after every medley race.
“Thanks?” I replied, again my response was more of a question than a statement.
“Ugh,” groaned Willow dropping her hand from her elbow. “I’m doing a terrible job at this.”
I laughed, I couldn’t help it. For once, Willow was right.
“You’re not supposed to laugh!” she cried, snickering a little herself.
I let out a deep sigh. “Oh, Willow, it’s okay, you can’t be good at everything. If you want, I could give you some tips on sucking.”
Willow smiled, wide, and genuine, “I’m glad you joined the team, Addy. Even if you were awful and made us forfeit the first meet.”
I raised one eyebrow. “You’re getting worse.”
“You know what I mean!” she said, wrapping an arm around my shoulder in an awkward half-hug that made me absolutely positive we would never be real friends.
“I do,” I answered.
It only took about four seconds for things to feel real uncomfortable. “This has been...something,” I said, pulling back. “But I need to go find Gray and….”
“Do anything but stand here and talk to me?” she laughed.
“Right!” I answered.
Willow pointed out the window to a dark speck making his way down the front lawn toward the lake.
“I’d grab a blanket from the basket on the porch,” she suggested before leaving me to mingle with the rest of the partygoers.
Come on magic, I thought. Do your thing before it’s too late.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Gray
“What are your plans for the rest of the year?” Simon asked, attempting to make small talk while I tried to overhear everything Willow was saying to Addy. If it was anything like what she’d been saying to her all season, I was going to interject and make this party real awkward, real fast.
“Umm...just focus on school, I guess. I don’t play any other sports if that’s what you’re wondering.”
“Yeah, me neither,” he said.
I realized I didn’t know nearly as much about Simon as I probably should have by now. We hung out at nearly every practice, lunch, and a couple classes. Not surprisingly, I probably spent most of that time talking about swimming, California, or even Addy.
I noticed Simon sometimes met with some other kids after school or during lunch, not exactly the athletic type either, as much as I hated saying that.
“What about you?” I wondered. “What else do you have going on this year?”
He made a non-committal expression with a shrug of his shoulders. “Well, I am the president of the Key Club, and we’re fundraising to go to DC over the holiday break.”
How did I not know this? I was a terrible friend. “That’s pretty impressive. Sounds like fun.”
“Yeah. It’s okay…”
“Just okay?” I asked, trying to pry a little more information out of him. I was suddenly desperate to learn more about my friend, especially his life outside of the pool.
“The people in the club are fun and all, but I just don’t have an Addy there.”
“A what?” I glanced back at him, thinking maybe I’d misheard.
“I’m just saying...I’d have a lot more fun if I had what you and Addy have.”
My eyes widened as I glanced over at where Addy was still having an awkward looking conversation with Willow. “Oh we’re just...”
“Don’t say friends. Everyone on this team has been watching you two all season, and I think I speak for everyone when I say that you shouldn’t waste that much chemistry on being friends.”
Well, that is what I liked about Simon. He was direct as hell.
And in this case, he was exactly right.
I totally ruined things with Addy over my ego, and it was a waste. I missed kissing her and putting my arm around her whenever I wanted. If she wanted arm candy, then I desperately wanted to be that arm candy. At that very moment, there was nothing I wanted more than to sit on the dock again and lace my fingers through hers.
“If she looks for me…” I said to Simon, gesturing toward the lake.
He nodded in response. “I’ll send her your way.”
“Thanks.”
I disappeared out the front door, and honestly, I didn’t think anyone even noticed. They were mostly busy playing flip cup in the kitchen while another group were all laughing hysterically about something on the couch. The end of the year party with my teammates was great, but there was somewhere else I wanted to be.
Before I was outside, I noticed one of the sophomore girls walked over to Simon and started talking to him
with a big smile and a red solo cup. He smiled back and seemed to be nice enough to her, but clearly wasn’t giving her his full attention. I wasn’t sure who hurt Simon in the past, but it was clear by the way he closed up that someone had, and I was determined to hear that story before the end of the year.
The sun had set over the water of the lake again, creating the same hazy silhouette of the trees over the water. The night air was far chillier than the last time we were out here, but I was secretly hoping I’d have someone to cozy up to in a few moments. When I left, she was still talking to Willow, and I was already starting to feel like an idiot.
What if she didn’t want to forgive me for my explosive reaction to the goal book? Or she just wanted to stay friends?
It was a risk I would have to take because she just walked outside with a heavy blanket over her shoulders, and she was right on my heels.
Addy
As I followed Gray down the dock, Willow’s bulky quilt slung over one shoulder, I had to plead with myself not to turn around and go straight home. I could call Nora and Lucy, demand snacks, cue up the High Fidelity. You know, just really lean into the idea of a break up. But then I would never know. If I put it all out there and Gray rejected me, it would hurt. But, not even trying, that was a kind of hurt that would haunt.
Just a few weeks ago, we had sat exactly where he was standing now. Only then we were shivering from the excitement of the race, and that pre-kiss anticipation, that happens when you know a change is coming. I eased into the spot beside him and waited for him to make small talk, comment on the lake, anything. The silence between us was deafening.
It was like we could both feel the weight of this conversation. Like we knew it was a make or break moment and were both afraid to begin. Ten minutes ago we’d been joking back and forth like nothing had changed between us. This moment, however, was full of a kind of quiet I didn’t enjoy. It wasn’t the nice kind, the I'm so comfortable around you I don’t need to talk kind. It was that quiet you feel when both people want to say something and neither have the courage to start. When it became clear that Gray was not going to budge I sucked in a deep breath and went for it.
“I’m sorry for what I said in that book.” I kept my eyes cast over the water not wanting to see Gray’s expression as I spoke. I wasn’t sure I could take it if his face took on that cold, indifferent look he’d been wearing all week. “And I’m sorry for getting mad that you wanted to leave,” I continued. “But I had a hard time accepting that this thing we just found could be gone.”
Gray shifted his weight beside me, tempting me to look up. Was he disgusted or elated? Whatever he was, he still wasn’t talking.
“In my defense though, the arm candy bit was before I even met you.”
“But you were looking for arm candy,” he said, his voice as quiet and calm as the lake in front of us.
“I was,” I admitted, kicking a rock off the dock. “But I had no idea I would meet you. Or that I would love swimming so much.”
“And Mitch?” asked Gray, turning to look at me. “Are things different with him now?”
I felt a blush rising from my neck to the tips of my ears. Of course he would ask about Mitch. I felt so stupid knowing I’d even for a second questioned whether or not Mitch and Cassie breaking up mattered. Ridiculous that I’d looked at Mitch with anything other than disgust, when Gray was right there, being the opposite of him all along.
“Oh, he’s such a tool!” I cried, tossing the blanket on the dock.
“Yeah but, a tool that you care about enough to be angry?” I wasn’t angry at Mitch anymore. I was angry at myself. But how was I supposed to explain that to Gray? I racked my brain for ways to tell Gray what it was like to live inside my head these last few weeks before deciding to just take the risk and be real.
“He hurt me,” I blurted, aware that Gray was a second away from turning away and leaving me standing on that dock, my stomach a hard ball of regret. “And I wrote those goals when the hurt was fresh.”
Gray nodded, encouraging me to go on.
“And it felt good,” I admitted. “At his Halloween Party, when he looked at me as if it finally dawned on him that he had made a mistake.”
Gray shook his head, a small twitch ticking away at his jaw. He wanted to say something. Something angry if I had to guess, but he let me keep going, so I did.
“But that is all that felt good. I didn’t suddenly want to be with him. I wasn’t spending time with you to manipulate how he felt, though I sure as heck didn’t mind that seeing you and I together made him feel crappy. Every minute I’ve spent with you has been because I wanted to be with you.” I said, surprised at my own boldness.
“I still want to be with you...for as long as I can,” I continued when he didn’t reply. “Even if you go to California. Or Russia. Possibly College of the Ozarks.”
Finally, Gray cracked a smile.
“Even if I go to College of the Ozarks?”
“Even!” I cried, so happy to hear his voice, without that edge attached to it. “Gray Turner, I…”
Only all the words I meant to say flew from my brain because Gray had wrapped one arm around my waist and was pulling me toward him.
“You can stop apologizing now, Addy.” His hand reached up to cradle my cheek. “I forgave you eons ago.”
“What?” I gasped, “Then why did you let me go on and on?”
Gray grinned, tipping his face until our foreheads rested on one another. “I liked listening to you say you want me, even if it is just because I make such great arm candy.”
“I’ve always wanted you,” I whispered, ignoring his remark about arm candy.
Gray tilted his head, inching closer until I wasn’t sure it was humanly possible to be closer to another person.
“I’m gonna kiss you now,” he breathed, lowering his lips to mine, as an owl swooped past us in the twilight.
Epilogue
Gray
“Are you sure we’ll all fit in Addy’s car?” Simon asked from where he sat at my kitchen counter.
“Yeah...if you don’t mind squeezing in the back with the girls,” I answered, reading a text from Addy that they were on their way to pick us up. Now that swim season was basically over, we had the weekends to actually do fun, laid back stuff, and this weekend, Addy talked us all into going to see the newest superhero flick.
“By girls you mean…” Simon had a hesitant expression on his face. He normally didn't mind hanging out with Addy’s friends with me. We sat in the same group every day, but with the exception of my girlfriend, he didn’t really interact with the girls. I made a mental note to bug Addy about this later.
“Lucy and Nora, yeah. Why?” I asked, getting nosey.
“I’ll drive myself,” he interjected, grabbing his car keys from the counter.
“Come on. It’s a short drive,” I pushed. “I’m starting to think there’s some history between you and those girls.”
“Long story.” He rolled his eyes, and I had to hold back a laugh.
A minute later, the front door inched open as Addy peeked her head in. “Knock knock,” she announced. My mom had been bugging her lately to stop using the doorbell, but I could tell Addy was still uncomfortable with just walking into my house.
The three girls burst through the door a minute later. Addy was across the room in half a second as she jumped into my arms and locked her lips on mine. I love when she acted like we hadn’t seen each other in days when we were just together last night and on the phone all morning.
“Gray, where’s your bathroom? I drank too much coffee,” Nora whined from the entryway.
Addy and I both gestured toward the hallway without pulling apart.
“You guys are going to do that through the whole movie, aren’t you?” Simon groaned as he moved across the room, probably putting us out of his line of sight.
I felt Addy smile against my lips before we finally pulled apart. Then, it was like we both noticed how awkward the air in
the room became, like someone turned the thermostat to zero. We both flipped around to see Simon and Lucy standing in silence, obviously avoiding looking at the other.
Addy gave me a pained expression as she pulled me toward the door. Nora appeared from the hallway and made a quick announcement about not being late since she already bought the tickets.
Lucy was the last one out the door, and with one look, I remembered something I had to give to her.
“Wait here one sec!” I said as I ran back into the house and straight to my bedroom. She cocked an eyebrow at me as I returned with the glittery blue book that I never gave back to Addy.
“I believe this is for you,” I said as I handed her the book.
Her eyes were as wide as saucers when she clutched it against her chest. Without a word, she turned on her heels and dashed toward the car.
“What was that all about?” Simon asked from the bottom step. He watched Lucy run by and had to be just as intrigued as I was.
I let out a snicker as I locked the front door. “Bro, you don’t wanna know.”
Squad Goals: Nerdy by New Year
The sequel to Hot by Halloween coming November 1, 2019!
Preorder now!
Also by M.F. Lorson
Sway
Off Center
Stage Kiss
The Exchange
The Hunter’s Daughter
Also by Jessica Bucher
The Hereafter
Notes of Magic
Grains of Fire
Twelfth Knight
About M.F. Lorson
M.F. Lorson is the Director of a public library in eastern Oregon. When she isn’t writing, she’s reading, mostly The Wheels On the Bus, over and over again to her two littles.
Hot by Halloween Page 15
