Guideline 2: Refusing to dictate to others allows the Lord freedom to direct their lives. I especially appreciate the statement at the end of verse 5: ". . . Let each man be fully convinced in his own mind." Give people room to make up their minds. Do you have a few new converts who are a part of your life and ministry? Do you want to help them grow toward maturity? Here is how: Let them grow up differently. Let them learn at their own pace, just like you had to learn, including failures and mistakes. If you really want grace to awaken, be easier on them than others were on you. Don't make up their minds ... let them! Don't step in and push your weight around . . . give them plenty of space. Whatever you do, don't control and manipulate them to get what you want.
Be an accepting model of grace. Refuse all temptations to be a brother basher or sister smasher. We already have too many of them roaming around the religious landscape. And nothing catches the attention of the unsaved world quicker than those times when we Christians beat up on one another. Don't think the unsaved world doesn't notice our cannibalism.
Leslie Flynn writes about the time when evangelist Jack Van Impe was closing a citywide crusade in Green Bay, Wisconsin. It was to end on a Sunday afternoon. The very same public arena also featured wrestling on Sunday night. Interestingly, on Monday evening (the following day), Rex Humbard was scheduled to begin a new series of evangelistic meetings. One wonders if the man who set up the sign didn't have his tongue in his cheek when he arranged the letters on the marquee,
The Grace to Let Others Be
JACK VAN IMPE
WRESTLING REX HUMBARD 4
Most Christians have a long way to go when it comes to releasing others to the Lord. I love the way Paul provides the right perspective—"We are the Lord's." Few things will keep us from directing others' lives like that reminder. Each one of us belongs to the same Lord. When we stop dictating, it is easier for others to mature as they follow the Lord's directing.
Let's press on to the next four verses in Romans 14:
For to this end Christ died and lived again, that He might be Lord both of the dead and of the living. But you, why do you judge your brother? Or you again, why do you regard your brother with contempt? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of God. For it is written,
"AS I LIVE, SAYS THE LORD, EVERY KNEE SHALL BOW TO ME, AND EVERY TONGUE SHALL GIVE PRAISE TO GOD."
So then each one of us shall give account of himself to God. (vv. 9-12)
Guideline 3: Freeing others means we never assume a position we're not qualified to fill. This, in one sentence, is enough to stop any person from judging another. We're not qualified. We lack full knowledge. How often we have jumped tcfwrong conclusions, made judgmental statements, only to find out later how off base we were . . . then wished we could cut out our tongue.
What keeps us from being qualified to judge?
• We do not know all the facts.
• We are unable to read motives.
• We find it impossible to be totally objective.
The Grace to Let Others Be
• We lack "the big picture."
• We live with blind spots.
• We are prejudiced and have blurred perspective.
• Most of all, we ourselves are imperfect and inconsistent.
In a Connecticut city, fifty-three residents of a certain neighborhood signed a petition to stop reckless driving on their streets. The police set a watch. A few nights later five violators were caught. All five had signed the petition. 5
I will never forget what happened to me several years ago that illustrated how wrong I could be in judging another. I was speaking at a summer Bible conference for a week. Attending the same conference was a couple I had not seen before. We met briefly the first night. Both were friendly and seemed especially glad to be there. I began to notice as the week wore on that the man fell asleep in every one of the meetings. I mean every one. Normally, that doesn't bother me ... I often talk in other people's sleep! But this time, for some strange reason, it began to bug me. By Wednesday I felt feelings of irritation. As I mentioned, that has happened to me numerous times . . . but this guy was out within ten minutes after I started to speak. It made no difference if I spoke in the morning or evening—he slept. By the last meeting on Friday evening (through which he slept, of course) I had become convinced it was she who wanted to be there, not her husband. I sized him up as a fella who talked one way but lived another, "probably a carnal Christian," I mused.
She stayed after the crowd and her husband had left. She asked if she could speak with me for a few minutes. I figured she wanted to talk about how unhappy she was living with a man who didn't have the same interest in spiritual things as she. How wrong I was. She said their being there was his idea. It had been his "final wish." I didn't understand. She informed me he had terminal cancer and had only weeks to live. At his
The Grace to Let Others Be
request they attended the conference where I was speaking even though the medication he was taking for pain made him sleepy—something which greatly embarrassed him. "He loves the Lord," she said, "and you are his favorite Bible teacher. He wanted to be here to meet you and to hear you, no matter what." I was sincerely stunned. She thanked me for the week and left. I stood there, all alone, as deeply rebuked as I have ever been. I had judged my brother, and I was as wrong as I could possibly have been.
Does this guideline mean we must always agree? It does not. That is the subject of my next chapter, so I'll not attempt to address it at length here. There are any number of people with whom you and I may not agree. That's fine ... we can still be civil to each other; instead of spending our time putting their faces on a dart board. I'm a lot happier if I accept the fact that others won't always fall in line with my convictions. That's okay. But the main thing you and I must guard against is judging. I repeat, we are not qualified to fill that role. God alone is to be our Judge and Jury.
There is one more guideline that grows out of verses 13-18 in Romans 14:
Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this—not to put an obstacle or a stumbling block in a brother's way. I know and am convinced in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself; but to him who thinks anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean. For if because of food your brother is hurt, you are no longer walking according to love. Do not destroy with your food him for whom Christ died. Therefore do not let what is for you a good thing be spoken of as evil; for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. For he who in this way serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men.
Guideline 4: Loving others requires us to express our liberty wisely. In other words, love must rule. I'm not my own, I'm
The Grace to Let Others Be
bought with a price. My goal is not to please me, it is to please my Lord Jesus, my God. It is not to please you, it is to please my Lord. The same is true for you. So the bottom line is this: I don't adapt my life according to what you may say, I adapt my life according to the basis of my love for you because I answer to Christ. And so do you.
To paraphrase those verses we just read from Romans: "Nothing that is not specifically designated as evil in Scripture is evil—but rather a matter of one's personal preference or taste. So let it be. Even if you personally would not do what another is doing, let it be. And you who feel the freedom to do so, don't flaunt it or mock those who disagree. We are in the construction business, not destruction. And let's all remember that God's big-picture kingdom plan is not being shaped by small things like what one person prefers over another, but by large things, like righteousness and peace and joy."
One of the marks of maturity is the ability to handle liberty without flaunting it. Mature folks don't flaunt their privileges. They enjoy them fully, yet quietly . . . privately . . . with those of like mind, who aren't offended by the liberty.
When our children began to grow up, we (like you) increased their privil
eges. One of the first privileges our oldest child enjoyed was not having to take a nap and not having to go to bed so early. He could miss his afternoon nap, and he could stay up later with his mom and dad. The problem was, the other three weren't old enough to have the same privilege. So he had to be mature about handling this new freedom. If he flaunted it, chaos would break out. In other words, he couldn't walk by their closed bedroom door and taunt them by shouting, "Na-na-na-na-na ... I don't have to take a na-ap" Or "Ha! You've got to go to bed early—not me. I'm free to stay up reeeel late!" We warned him about staying quiet and handling his liberty very wisely. Paul cautions you and me to do the same. Otherwise, the grace killers will get ammunition and have reason to load up and fire in our direction. Grace never gives us the right to rub anyone's nose in our liberty. When I
The Grace to Let Others Be
see that happening, I realize I'm watching religious childishness in action.
A FEW ACTIONS THAT SIGNIFY GRACE
I want to close this chapter by focusing our final attention on the concluding verses in Romans 14. Read verse 19 slowly and thoughtfully. "So then let us pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another." On the basis of that great statement, consider the first of four action steps.
1. Concentrate on things that encourage peace and assist others' growth. An idea that works for me is to filter whatever I do through a twofold "grid"—two questions that keep me focused: (a) Is this going to make a lot of waves, or will it encourage peace? (b) Is this going to hurt and offend, or will it help and strengthen my brother or sister? Let's commit ourselves anew to encouragement and affirmation.
2. Remember that sabotaging saints hurts the work of God. "Don't tear down the work of God for the sake of food . . ." (v. 20). You sabotage the saints when you flaunt your liberty, knowing that they have convictions against it. That is not fair. Frankly, that is fighting dirty. Scripture calls it "regarding with contempt," and counsels us against it. Enjoy your liberty with discretion.
3. Exercise your liberty only with those who can enjoy it with you. I repeat, that means to keep it private and personal. Remember my story about our oldest child. What others don't know can't hurt them. That's not deception, it's wise and necessary restraint. It isn't prompted by hypocrisy but by love.
4. Determine where you stand and refuse to play God in anyone else's life. That may sound simple and easy, but it is tougher than it may seem. Be absolutely sure you are right, then press on, regardless. By letting others be, you free yourself to give full attention to what God is trying to make of you. You
The Grace to Let Others Be
have neither the time nor the energy to keep holding on. Love demands that you let go.
Some time ago The American Scholar magazine included a piece by Wyatt Prunty that illustrates rather well what I've been attempting to write in this chapter.
LEARNING THE BICYCLE (for Heather)
The older children pedal past
Stable as little gyros, spinning hard
To supper, bath, and bed, until at last
We also quit, silent and tired
Beside the darkening yard where trees
Now shadow up instead of down.
Their predictable lengths can only tease
Her as, head lowered, she walks her bike alone
Somewhere between her wanting to ride
And her certainty she will always fall.
Tomorrow, though I will run behind,
Arms out to catch her, she'll tilt then balance wide
Of my reach, till distance makes her small,
Smaller, beyond the place I stop and know
That to teach her I had to follow
And when she learned I had to let her go. 6
9
Graciously
Disagreeing and
Pressing On
*
Q
ne of the marks of maturity is the ability to disagree without becoming disagreeable. It takes grace. In fact, handling disagreements with tact is one of the crowning achievements of grace.
Unfortunately, the older we get the more brittle we become in our reactions, the more tedious and stubborn and fragile. For some strange reason, this is especially true among evangelical Christians. You would think that the church would be the one place where we could find tolerance, tact, plenty of room for disagreement, and open discussion. Not so! It is a rare delight to come across those in the family of God who have grown old in grace as well as in knowledge.
A friend told me of a beautiful example of this—a true story. The minister of a church of a different denomination contacted the pastor of a large downtown Baptist church and made an unusual request. He had several folks who had recently joined his church who preferred to be baptized by immersion rather than by sprinkling, the church's normal mode of baptism. The minister requested not only the use of their baptistry but that the Baptist pastor himself baptize those who came. This posed a dilemma—what if those being baptized weren't born again? Since it was the pastor's conviction that only Christians should be baptized, he realized he couldn't with good conscience cooperate with the plan, but he wished to
Graciously Disagreeing and Pressing On
handle his answer with tact so as not to offend the other minister. I understand that he wrote a letter, a masterpiece of grace, in which he included this humorous statement: "We don't take in laundry, but we'll be happy to loan you our tub." Would that all issues of that nature were handled that graciously.
Many a ministry lives on the edge of upheaval and borderline controversy, simply because there is no room for disagreement ... no freedom to negotiate ... no open ear to those who hold to a different opinion. I know of some ministers who never read critical mail; it's all screened by their secretaries and quickly discarded. Another has publicly stated that he would have no one on his board who says "No." When I heard that, I couldn't help but wonder about two things: How in the world could he find enough people like that to form his board and how does his wife handle her disagreements? Maybe she mails them in anonymously. Just kidding.
The other side of this matter of criticism needs to be addressed with equal vigor, namely, the importance of stating our disagreements graciously. Because I happen to read most of my critical mail, I am continually aware of how people declare their disagreements. There are a few beautiful exceptions, but the general rule is that criticisms are tactless, blunt, accusatory, and sometimes sarcastic. The most offensive ones are usually left unsigned (a cowardly act) and lack much truth, if any. Talk about grace killers!
I've said for years that people should not read unsigned mail. My problem is that I usually do. I also have said people should not pay any attention to it—"toss it in the trash!" My problem is that I usually memorize it. I know, I know, it isn't healthy, but since when am I a model of perfection? Oh, to practice what one preaches!
All this is to say that I have read enough "hate mail" (strong term but occasionally true) to make this suggestion: Think before you write your disagreements. I have found that it helps to pause and put myself in the other person's place and imagine myself opening the letter and feeling the sting of those words.
Graciously Disagreeing and Pressing On
As a result of that little exercise, I have usually torn up my letter of criticism and never sent it.
Trust me, bitter and harsh words stick like pieces of shrapnel in one's brain, even in those you might think of as strong and able to handle it. The critic may soon forget them, but seldom will the one being verbally assaulted. I love the old saying, "Write your criticisms in dust, your compliments in marble."
The last four verses of Ephesians 4 come to mind:
Let no unwholesome words proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath an
d anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (w. 29-32)
No one could say it more succinctly than that. Just be nice, my Christian friend, in whatever you say or write. It costs no more, and it takes only a little more time to express your disagreements in tactful and gracious ways . . . when you don't get your way or when someone holds a different opinion, or even when a correction should be made and reproof is in order. Rudeness is never appropriate. Without exception, kindness is.
THINGS WE AGREE ON REGARDING DISAGREEMENTS
As much as we may pursue peace, and as positive and tactful as we may be, there will still be occasions when disagreements arise. As one wag put it, "Life ain't no exact science," which brings me to the first of four facts with which everyone (well, most of us) would agree.
Graciously Disagreeing and Pressing On
1. Disagreements are inevitable. Throughout this book, I have emphasized the value of variety and the importance of individuality. The downside of that is it leaves the door open for differing opinions. I say "downside" only because those inevitable differences can lead to strong disagreements. There will be opposing viewpoints and a variety of perspectives on most subjects. Tastes differ as well as preferences. That is why they make vanilla and chocolate and strawberry ice cream, why they build Fords and Chevys, Chryslers and Cadillacs, Hondas and Toyotas. That is why our nation has room for Democrats and Republicans, conservatives and liberals—and moderates. The tension is built into our system. It is what freedom is all about, including religious freedom. I am fairly firm in my theological convictions, but that doesn't mean you (or anyone) must agree with me. All this explains why I place so much importance on leaving "wobble room" in our relationships. One's theological persuasion may not bend, but one's involvements with others must. Leaders are especially in need of leaving "wobble room" if they hope to relieve steam from inevitable tensions.
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