by Paul Beatty
Queen of Mean quest for the best Quick Pick quick trick
quiet riot quirky quarky
racket-jacket ragbag Ragin' Cajun ragtag ramble-scramble
Randy Andy rape & scrape
rat-a-tat razzle-dazzle razzmatazz real deal redhead
Reese's Pieces reet pleat
retail detail Rhymin' Simon rich bitch rickety-tickety rickrack
riffraff
ring-a-ding ringer dinger rinky-dink Rin Tin Tin riprap
roach coach
Rock Around the Clock rocket pocket Rolled Gold roly-poly
Ronald McDonald
rooty-tooty rope-a-dope rough & tough rough stuff
rub-a-dub Rufty Tufty rusty dusty
saggy baggy Sally's Alley sandman sassafras scarlet harlot
sci-fi scot & lot
Scrapple from the Apple screen scene screwy Louie screw you
Sea & Ski
seedy tweedy seesaw self help sexy Rexy shady lady
shake it,don't break it
Shake 'n Bake Shedd's Spread shilly-shally shipshape
shirk work shit fit>
shit, grit, motherwit shock jock Shy Di sin-bin Sin Den
singles mingle singsong
skag hag skimble-scamble skinflint skinny mini skunk funk
sky high slammer jammer
Slice o' Rice slice & dice Slick Rick Slim Jim slo-mo
SmarteCarte snack pack
snail mail snail trail Smothers Brothers smut-butt smut slut
sneak peek snowblower
snug as a bug in a rug soap-on-a-rope SoHo space is the place
space race Spamarama
Spam in a can SpecTech speed reader spit-spot splish-splash
spring fling Spruce Goose
squeegee Stan the Man stars & bars steam clean Stinky Pinky
Stix Nix Hix Pix stranger danger
Stormin' Norman street beat stun gun stupid Cupid Style File
suck and tuck Suds Your Duds
sugar booger sump pump super duper Superloopers sure cure
surf & turf Swatch watch sweater weather sweetmeat
Swiss Kriss Swiss Miss
ta-da Tears for Fears tea tree teeny peeny teeny-weeny teepee
teeter-totter telltale Temporary Contemporary tent event
Texas Exes Tex-Mex thigh high think pink thinktank
thin's in, but fat's where it's at
thin skin thrill kill thrills & chills Throat Coat tib-fib Tictac
ticky-tacky
ticktock tie dye tin tan tan tiptop titbit tit for tat tittle-tattle
ton of fun tough enough tough stuff town & gown
Tragic Magic
treat and street Tricky Dicky true blue trust buster
turkey jerky tussy-mussy tutti-frutti
Twine Time
ubble-gubble Ubby Dubby Ugh Bug ugly-mugly
undone unfun urge to purge use it or lose it
Vanessa the Undresser vice price vomit comet voodoo
Wacko Jacko wacky shack wacky tobacky walkie-talkie
Wavy Gravy waylay
wear & tear Weegee Whack Pack whale tale wham bam
whammer-j ammer
wheeler dealer whimwham white flight white knight
Wicked Pickett
weird beard wild child willy-nilly Wilt the Stilt
wining & dining
wingding Winken & Blinken wishy-washy womb to tomb
wonton
Wooly Bully Writing Is Fighting
X-sex
Yak Pak yank the crank Yertle the Turtle ying-yang yoohoo
zero to hero zigzag zip your lip Zoo Doo zoot suit Zulu
kamasutra sutra
1991
This is a story I have heard:
Entwined in a passionate embrace
with his beloved wife,
the holy one exclaimed,
"I have reached enlightenment!"
His devoted partner responded,
"I'm truly happy for you, my love,
and if you can give me another minute,
I believe I'll get there too."
souvenir from anywhere
1991
Peopleofcolor untie-dyed. Got nothing to lose but your CPT-shirts. You're all just a box of crayons. The whole ball of wax would make a lovely decorator candle on a Day of the Dead Santeria Petro Vodou altar. Or how about these yin-yang earrings to balance your energy? This rainbow crystal necklace, so good for unblocking your chi and opening the chakras? Hey, you broke it, you bought it! No checks accepted. Unattended children will be sold as slaves.
SUZAN-LORI PARKS
devotees in the garden of love
1991
The Lovers
LILY
GEORGE, later PATTY
MADAME ODELIA PANDAHR, A PANDERER
A.
A garden on a hilltop. In the middle of nowhere. Lily, a teeny tiny older woman in a wedding dress, sits in an old-time wheelchair. George, a much larger, much younger woman in a wedding dress, sits on a camp stool practicing conversation.
LILY: Ooooohlukater. Huh. Thuh huzzy.
GEORGE: Oooooh. Mon nom? Ah, Monsieur, je m'appelle—George.
Jooooorrrrge.
LILY: Who does she think she is. Bein down there.
GEORGE: Et vous? Comment vous appelez-vous?
LILY: Down there amongst thuh action.
GEORGE: Monsieur Amour? Oooh la la, Monsieur Amour! "Monsieur
Amour"—tres romantique, n'est-ce pas?
LILY: Down there amongst thuh action where she do not belong.
GEORGE: L'amour est tres romantique. La romance est la nature de Vamour.
Et vous, Monsieur Amour, vous etes le roi d'amour.
LILY: In my day uh woman spoke of her table. And that was all.
GEORGE: Est-ce que vous etes le roi d'amour?
LILY: We did things thuh old-fashioned way. In my day. Thuh old-fashioned way was even "old-fashioned" back then. I go way back. Huh. Who thuh hell is she pretendin tuh be way down there in thuh thick of it.
GEORGE: Vous etes le roi d'amour, et je serai votre reine.
LILY: Upstart, George girl. At high noon.
GEORGE: Oooh la la Monsieur Amour! Oui oui! Oui oui!
LILY: Look at that upstart! George! Uh upstart. In white even. At high noon. Huh. Thuh huzzy. Huh. Thuh upstart.
GEORGE: Starting up?! Not without my say so they dont!
LILY: Huh?
GEORGE: Start up?! Not without my say so!
LILY: Upstart. Uh huzzy.
GEORGE: Oh.
LILY: See?
GEORGE: Oui oui! Oui oui!
LILY: See?!
GEORGE: Oui. I see. In my heart. Madame Odelia Pandahr says that because all the eyes of the world are on the heart of the bride-who'll-be's heart thuh bride-who'll-be's heart thus turns inward, is given to reflection and in that way becomes an eye itself. Seeing inward to examine her most deepest thoughts and feelings andseeing outward too tuh give her form and grace thatll guide her in her most natural selection, that is, her choice of suitors.
LILY: Drop that lorgnette girl and use thuh bo-nocks. See?
GEORGE: Oui!
LILY: BO—NOCKS!
GEORGE: Oh.
LILY: HIGH NOON!
GEORGE: High noon?
LILY: HIGH NOON!
GEORGE: High noon.
LILY: Not your time! My time! High noon my time my time! George girl get over here and—ooooooooooh! Thuh huzzy. Right in thuh thick of it.
GEORGE: Thuh woman?
LILY: Thuh huzzy.
GEORGE: In white?
LILY: In white.
GEORGE: Mama Lily?
LILY: Right in thuh thick of it.
GEORGE: Mama Lily thats Madame Odelia Pandahr Mama. Ooohhooo, Madame! C'est moil Jooooooooorge! Oooh hoo! Oooh hooo!
LILY: Gimmieuhminute. Wheremy specs.—.Huh. Huh.—.Well.
GEORGE: Madame Odelia Pandahr ssgonna be monitoring thuh situation play by p
lay.
LILY: Play by play.
GEORGE: Madame Odelia Pandahr says that thuh ultimate battle of love requires uh good go between. In thuh old days Madame Odelia
Pandahr says they had matchmakers and messengers—
LILY: Them old days was my days.
GEORGE: Madame Odelia Pandahr says that our new days require thuh kind of reportage that shes doing. "Reportage." Ha! Madame
Odelia Pandahr, you know, shes French.
LILY: I guess they just do things different.
GEORGE: They do. Enchante defaire votre connaissance, Monsieur.
LILY: Look. They all lookin at us. Look.
GEORGE: You think they can see us way up here?
LILY: They all lookin our way.
GEORGE: Oooooh! Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour!
LILY: Honey?
GEORGE: Huh?
LILY: Theyre waitin for your signal.
GEORGE: Thuh hankie?
LILY: Thuh hankie GEORGE: Oui oui! Oui oui!
LILY: Let it drop like we talked uhbout.
GEORGE: Madame Odelia Pandahr says that uh hankie should be dropped—LILY: Go on then.
GEORGE: Comme ca!
(The battle begins)
LILY: Thatll do. (Pause) And it's begun. (Pause) See? See?
GEORGE: You may, now, Sir, return my handkerchief to my hand now Sir.
LILY: See?
GEORGE: In my heart. Madame Odelia Pandahr says that—
LILY: Out there. Look.
GEORGE: In my heart—
LILY: Take uh look see through this. Go on. Lookie. Use your right eye. Put your hand over your left. Thats it. Figet thuh focus. Thats it. Now look-see. See!? See?!
GEORGE: Uh—
LILY: Try these. Go on. Both eyes on um. I used this pair tuh watch your daddy triumph over his rival. Ah—ooooooooooooooh!
GEORGE: Oooh la la!
LILY: KEBJ3LAM! Sweet Bejesus! Scuze my French! Sweet Bejesusanswer my prayers looks like ThatOne done sunked ThisOnesbattleship rockum sockum rockum sockum—ONE OCLOCK love of uh girl! ONE OCLOCK!
GEORGE: One oclock.
LILY: My time!
GEORGE: Your time.
LILY: Off lookin at nothin at 19:45. They say love makes yuh blind.Only ever made me sweat. In my day my motherud say 16:15 and there wernt no question that it was 16:15 her time. Thuh timehelpin tuh tell you where you oughta be where you oughta belookin and whatcha oughta be lookin at. Frenchiz in uh differenttime zone. Seems tuh me. Must be. Huh. All that français. Dontbelong on uh field uh battle. Tuck it outa sight. For now. We got our own lingo and what we cant say with our own—hometownlingo just wont get said. For thuh time being. Go on. Tuck thuhfrancais away—WOOOOOOOOOOH! And there it all is. Raging.2 O CLOCK LOVE OF UH GIRL! KERBLAM! See?! SEE?!
GEORGE: Ooooooh—LILY: Impressive. Impressed?
GEORGE: Rockets red blare at 2 oclock, Mama Lily. Makes my heart sing.
LILY: Thats my girl!
GEORGE: Our word is "Devotion." My match was made in heaven.
LILY: Thats my George!
GEORGE: We will hold fast unto thuh death. We will not come all asunder. We wont flinch.
LILY: Thats my George! Lookie lookie lookie: bombs bursting in air at 10:25. Just like thuh ditty.
GEORGE: Ooooooooooh!
LILY: KEPJ3LAM! Direct hit! Makes it all worthwhile.
GEORGE: Mama?
LILY: AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AH. RAT-TA-TAT-TAT.
GEORGE: Mama Lily? At 9 oclock?—My time. I think I see an instance of uh bodily harm.
LILY: You crossed your legs before you held your head up. First steps you took you took with uh board on your head balanced there asan insurance of premiere posture. Preschool charm school with allthe trimmings we couldn't afford it so, thats my girl, thats myGeorge, bless your sweet heart, sweetheart I taught you your basics.How tuh lay uh table. How tuh greet uh guest. Thuh importanceof uh centerpiece. How tuh fix uh "mess." Thuh differencebetween "mess" and "messy."
GEORGE: "Mess" means food and should be plentiful. "Messy" meanssloppy and should be scarce.
LILY: HOW, if you went tuh uh party and arrived early, how not tuhgo in and catch thuh hostess unawares but tuh walk up and downthuh sidewalk until 20 minutes after thuh affair had begun.
GEORGE: The importance of being fashionably late.
LILY: Every affair is uh battle—
GEORGE AND LILY: And every battle ssgot tuh have uh battle-plan.
LILY: Even learned you uh little bit uh fan work. Then it was off tuh Madame Odelia Pandahrs. On full scholarship!
GEORGE: C'etait magnifique!—It was wonderful!
LILY: My George finishes Madame Odelia Pandahrs Finishing Academy at thuh top of her class! Planning dinner parties for uh hundred and forty! Knowed thuh places for settings I'll never lay eyes on. Didnt have them places back then. Au courant we calls her. Thats my George. Thats my girl.
GEORGE: 9 oclock. Mama Lily. Looks like weve got ourselves uh premiere example of uh decapitation.
LILY: So it is. So it is.
GEORGE: Major dismemberment at 9:05.
LILY: SO it is. So it is.
GEORGE: Blood. Blood. Blood. Dust. Ashes. Thick smoke.—Carnage.
LILY: Conclusion, Miss George?
GEORGE: In conclusion, Mama Lily, I'd say that the fighting is well underway.
LILY: Further?
GEORGE: Further, Mama Lily? If I'd go further I'd say "fierce."
LILY: Prognosis, Miss George?
GEORGE: Prognosis, Mama Lily? Well—looks like I just may be married in thuh mornin, Mama.
LILY: Makes my heart sing.
GEORGE: Mon coeur est plein d'amour!
LILY: Hold off until thuh peace talks please love of uh girl.
GEORGE: They may not be peacing by morning though. My match by morning may not be made. Madame Odelia Pandahr says there arent 2 suitors alive more well matched than ThisOne and ThatOne. While any other suitor in thuh area of conflict would be smote right down for dead ThisOne has uh move which ThatOne counters and ThatOne has uh counter to which ThisOne always gives reply. From what Madame Odelia Pandahr says ThisOne and ThatOne are even Steven one for one move for move uh perfect match.
LILY: Keep your eyes stuckd inside them bo-nocks my sweet thing. Down theres where thuh action is.
GEORGE: It could be uh protracted engagement down there. I may be sittin uhround protractedly engaged up here. — .But I think thingsll wrap theirselves up nicely.
LILY: And how come?
GEORGE: How come cuz thuh cause of Love thats how come. L-O-VE. ThatOne could start uh charge on ThisOne and ThisOne would rally back. Cuz thuh cause of Love. ThisOne may sever thuh arms and legs off uh all uh ThatOnes troops and those maimed and mismangled arms and legs would riiiise up uhgain and return to their trunks like uh child coming home for supper when thuh triangle bell was rung. Cuz thuh cause of Love. Guns with them knives on thuh ends may run through lines and lines of thuh faithful piercing through and through and through and fingers and toes may travel to foreign countries where we aint never been, Mama Lily, puss green-slimed bile and contagion may grow from thuh wounds of thuh wounded seep intuh thuh ground and kill and kill and kill and kill and kill and kill and kill and kill and thuh cannons may roar thuh wind may moan thuh sky may shake and spit fire and crack open and swallow um all up but itll all end nicely. Our word is "devotion." My match was made in heaven.We will hold fast. Unto thuh death. We will not come out all asunder. We wont flinch. How come? Cuz thuh cause of Love.
LILY: Seems all quiet now. Must be taking uh lunchtime. Nobody down theres movin. Huh. In my day things were just as interesting.Dont think twice uhbout that. Thuh lucky ones were pursued.Thuh unlucky ones had tuh make do. Ssallways been like that. My suitor fought for me and its only right that you oughta be so sought after. If I havent given you you nothin else at least I've made sure uh that. George? GEORGE!? Where you gone off to? Thuh gettin was just gettin good. Theys takin uh break
we kin sit here in watch em lick their wounds. Shoot. Uh dogs lickin on that one. Werent no dogs uhllowed on thuh field uh battle in my day. Everythings gone tuh pot. De-volution. Huh. Where you been?
GEORGE: Had tuh get my hope chest.
LILY: Had tuh get your hope chest. Thats my George.
GEORGE: As uh bride-who'll-be I'm waiting at thuh ready. Ready foruh inspection. As bride I expect my groomll inspect me. Maybe you could inspection my wares while theyre getting reinforcements.
LILY: Could do. Go on—lounge uhround like you didnt know it wascoming. Lounge girl, go on. Madame Odelia Pandahr didnt cover lounging?
GEORGE: Given thuh ensuing conflict she questioned its ethical nature.
LILY: Huh.—.Sit on thuh grass pick daisies look right on off intuhthuh 3 oclock. Smoke uh cigarette. Sing.
GEORGE: Sing?
LILY: La de de la de dah and et cetera.
GEORGE: La de de la de dah la de de la de dah.
LILY: La de de la de dah la de de la de dah ssjust uh normal day whoknows what may be up next.
GEORGE: La de de la de dah la de dah dah le deee—LILY: SPEC-SHUN!
GEORGE: YES, MAAM.
LILY: Gimmie gimmie gimmie. Bring it over here lets see whatcha got. 2 tablecloths: Irish linen. 1 tablecloth: fancy lace. Napkins tuh match. Place settings for—40-42—.
GEORGE: Some may break.
LILY: Thats my George! Thats thuh battleplan! Ah ha: uh brown sac uh peppermint candies. For fresh breath?
GEORGE: For fresh breath.
LILY: Reason bein?
GEORGE: Reason bein cuz after battle my suitor may be uh little in need of refreshin. Madame Odelia Pandahr says that theres only one thing staler than thuh mouth of uh suitor—ha—and thats thuh mouth of thuh one that lost thuh fight. Ha ha ha ha. Aaah.
LILY: Yummy. Dont mind if I inspect thuh taste of thuh brown sacked mints for fresh breath do you Miss George. Uh set of informal nap-pi-kans. Everyday serviettes. Matchin everyday tablecloth. Plenty of sheets: handsewn. Doilies hand done. Extra bedsprings for thuh—wedding night. Bloomers xtra large hand sewn. Only one pair. Practicin economy. Brassieres galore tuh match. Why you got so many uh these things I will never know. You only got 2 tits girl.
