by M J Marstens
Ra’s beak snaps at Khepri but Khepri fills it with shit before shoving it to one side and punching Ra in the neck. In response, Ra sweeps a leg across Khepri’s legs. Khepri falls to the ground but raises his hand and I see a huge lump form in the back of Ra’s pants as the sun god gives a shriek.
I’m guessing that shit hurt. Literally.
Thankfully, Bi-Polar seems to be holding his own better this time. They tussle for a bit longer before Ra pulls out his death dagger and lunges for my shit god. Khepri twirls away, but Ra just dances closer.
That ratchets up my fear. I can’t let that dagger touch my Khepri.
Raiden and I up our attacks, shooting lightning at the crazed animals, but also attempting to get closer to Ra.
Ra is solely focused on Khepri. That is, until a rock slams into the side of his right temple with a sickening crack. It makes the sun god’s bird head twist to an unnatural angle.
Startled, everyone stops fighting and looks over to see ... Dev, standing in the middle of Tupac’s ring of fire with a handful of stones and a mean fucking glare stamped on his face.
What a total badass, I think. No! Focus, Val!
I turn my attention back to Ra, who has already recovered. He sends out a pulse of fire that makes all the guys duck and I have to pump my wings hard to escape it. I feel the flames licking at my webbed feet and singing my tail feathers. That both scares me and pisses me the fuck off. I push harder to get out of range and then renew my fighting attempts.
I send orange lightning at the sun fucker but that round disk on his head acts as a lightning rod and attracts my bolt. It doesn’t even seem to faze the asshole.
In fact, it feels like we all double our efforts, but the harder we fight, the more crazed the cows get. Several end up standing on their hind legs and barrelling right through Tupac’s ring of fire.
“Holy shit! Talk about mad cows!” he exclaims. “Come on, Bessie! Bring it on!” Tupac seems to relish the challenge.
I rip my eyes away from them. They can handle some heifers, but Ra is the true threat.
I turn back to Ra and Khepri. That’s when I see Ra stagger. Khepri kicks at the sun god’s hand, trying to dislodge the dagger. That brilliant piece of shit succeeds—Ra’s fingers bend backward and the weapon goes flying.
“Raiden! Quick, blow the dagger to me!” I honk, belatedly realizing that all I’m doing is sending lightning into the air because I’m a swan and can’t talk—but I can bark electricity; so, there’s that, I guess.
Ra shoves Khepri away and dives for his precious death dagger, but Khep isn’t going down without a fight. He yanks Ra’s ankle and the sun god goes down—straight into a steamy pile of dung that Khepri conjures up out of nowhere. Ra’s inhuman screech makes me cringe. I think he just got a mouthful of crap.
Ew. But totally well-deserved.
“Eat shit!” my shit-god yells.
Unfortunately, Khepri hid the dagger under said pile of poop and Ra is over Khep’s bullshit. He ignores his beakful of dung, shoves a hand right in the middle of the impressive fecal mass and triumphantly pulls the death dagger free.
My wings hold me aloft but my heart plummets when I see the weapon in his hand. Khepri doesn’t see it yet. And I can’t warn him in my swan form. I can’t talk.
I open my beak and shoot impotent lighting at Ra, knowing it won’t hurt him, but unable to just watch.
Viciously, Ra stabs the death-infused tip into the side of my god of bowel movements.
Ra might as well have stabbed me because my heart rips painfully knowing how vulnerable Khepri is now. I watch the transformation come over Khepri as he changes from god to mortal. There’s a glow under his skin that fades. The confident smirk he normally wears turns into thin-lipped desperation.
“NO!” I scream mentally.
Khepri swivels out of Ra’s grasp, dislodging the blade from his side, even though the weapon remains in the tight grip of our enemy.
I see a thin stream of blood well up and spill over from Khepri’s wound and tears prick my eyes as the reality is driven home—Khepri’s no longer immortal. The dagger in Ra’s hand worries me. My second worry is that Ra isn’t even going to have to stab him again to kill him—the man’s going to die of infection from being punctured by a dagger covered in shit!
All that worry churns in my stomach like sewage and I feel sick.
Ra swipes at Khepri, who dodges but groans in pain. I honk and shoot lightning at the few remaining crazed cows to vent my fury because I feel like my wings are tied, my power is useless to hurt the sun god.
How the hell are we going to kill him?
My despair turns to hope when I see Raiden stealthily come up behind Ra and hook his left arm across the sun god’s throat.
Fucking yes! I want to fist pump but end up doing an awkward aerial flip that makes me dizzy.
Ra’s falcon head squawks in protest as he fights against the strong Japanese god. Raiden uses a series of body blows and then a flying kick to send Ra sprawling limply. As the sun god screeches and climbs to his feet, Khepri uses Ra’s distraction to yank the death dagger out of the sun god’s hand. He flips it over and quickly pierces Ra in his big toe.
Haha yes! Now the motherfucker has one foot in the grave!
If we ever make it out of this alive, I’m sure we’ll all give Khep hell for where he finally managed to stab Ra but, right now, I’m just grateful that he succeeded.
We did it—we stripped Ra of his immortality!
Now, the bastard is just as vulnerable as the rest of us.
The anger and fear simmering on his bird face confirms that Ra knows this, too. With a vicious squawk he runs forward and head-butts my weather god in the forehead—hard. Raiden sways, but manages to stay on his feet—a testimony to how hard-headed the god is.
In a move almost too swift for my eyes to perceive, Ra reaches down and removes the dagger from his toe. Apparently, he can move at the speed of light even as a mortal.
Khepri hurtles toward Ra from behind, ready to kick him in the ass—literally—but Ra swiftly rises and pivots in one smooth movement ...
And shoves the blade deep into Khepri’s heart.
No!
I gasp in shock and denial, dropping from the sky to land on my ass in human form. The meadow grass and a cow separate me from him, so I struggle to my feet, tears already forming in my now-human eyes.
“Khepri!” I cry.
His eyes lock on mine, showing the same surprise and, then, POOF—motherfucking poof—he’s gone. The death dagger in his side disappears with him.
I start to shake in rage and utter desolation.
“You bastard,” I seethe at Ra, not caring a whit about his powers as I stomp over to the short Egyptian, who’s wearing a triumphant smile on his face. My vision goes red and my breathing speeds up. Adrenaline courses through me and my pulse pounds in my ears.
No. Ra won’t win today. I won’t allow it.
I plan on killing the fucker with my bare hands, when I hear Dev shout my name. I turn to look at him before I get within Ra’s reach. My bestie is running full speed at me—with an odd and deadly-looking arrow in his hand.
“Now, Val! Now!”
It takes me a second to realize what he wants, but when he launches himself in the air in an impressive acrobatic feat, I realize his intent—as does Ra.
Dev’s gonna use that motherfucker to cut the bitch.
Something stirs within me. The inklings that I’ve had before, about death, play through my mind in a flash, fanning out like playing cards so that I can see each one. And I realize something about myself that I never knew. Those inklings are possibilities, options, just like cards in one’s hand. And I get to choose to put them into play.
I get to choose who lives or dies.
All this flashes through me in less than a moment as Dev ninjas his way through the air. I lift my hands and I pour my soul into that arrow, infusing it with the age-old death powers of my Valkyrie roots and a pray
er of retribution for my shit god; then, I watch that arrow find its home exactly where Ra deserves—in his black heart, in the same spot that he stabbed Khepri.
Ra screams and convulses, his falcon head shifting back into his human one. He drops to his knees, blood pouring copiously from his chest. His glassy eyes glare at Dev and me, and he attempts to garble out—what I assume is—a curse. But, before he exact his revenge and Egyptian-style voodoo, Raiden leans up and grasps the side of Ra’s head, twisting it to the side in a move I swear I’ve only seen in movies.
With a sickening crunch, Raiden snaps Ra’s neck and the sun god goes down, down, down ...
As does the sun.
The eclipse stops. But not because the sun has moved past the moon. Because the sun is sinking below it.
My stomach drops as the familiar form in the sky literally plummets toward the Earth. I glance back at Ra and see a rope, which had been invisible while he was alive. Now, as the sun falls, the rope is rapidly coiling up beside him, as though Ra had been dragging the sun through the sky like a helium balloon.
“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,” I moan. This is exactly what we feared—exactly what Tupac practiced for—but that practice had been disastrous.
“Tupac’s got this,” Dev whispers, and I pray that he’s right.
I know that all of humanity only has seconds left to live and I send my love to my dad, to Raiden, to Dev, to Lover, and especially to my brave shithead, Khepri, who gave everything for us.
As the sun’s heat surrounds me, my hope fades and this final thought flickers through my head: I’m finally going to join my mom and Dot but, honestly, I want more time with my men.
The world goes dark and I close my eyes, but instead of imminent death, there’s ... nothing.
Wow.
The afterlife is super shitty.
Then, everything grows bright again and I realize that I’m not dead, nor is the Earth destroyed—because Tupac is holding the sun between his shoulders much like Atlas holds the world!
That sweet, sweet horndog has quadrupled in size to hold the massive ball of fire. I watch in awe, amazed that he can shoulder the weight and not get burnt to a sexy-ass crisp.
“Hold on—I’m going to get Atum,” Raiden announces, and before I can protest, he winks out of existence.
“Who’s Atum?” I wonder.
Dev tiredly pulls his phone from his back pocket and looks it up. “Another Egyptian sun god.”
“Fuck—how many are there?!” I roll my eyes. Dev shrugs, clearly exhausted.
I can only imagine what it was like for Khepri, being one of many, when gods are supposed to be so fucking special. He was special … to me. My throat closes up and I have to change the direction of my thoughts. I ask, “Dev, where’d you get that arrow?”
The sweetest man that I know turns beet red and looks away, but not before I catch the look of shame on his face.
“Dev?” I prod when he maintains his silence.
He heaves a heavy sigh.
“It’s ... from Aphrodite’s demigod son,” he confesses.
“The Greek god of love?” I clarify.
Dev nods. “It’s a love arrow.”
“Why would you need a love arrow?!” I ask incredulously. Jealousy starts to eat away at the sadness inside. Who was he going to use that arrow on?
“Because. . . I thought it would be the only way you would ever, ah, love me, I guess,” he answers uncomfortably, running a hand across his beard.
I blink at the man—how could he be so blind and clueless?
I lean over and kiss Dev with all the love I have for him in my heart—he returns it tenfold and I feel like the luckiest woman in the universe.
Suddenly, Raiden reappears out of thin air, pop up storm clouds surrounding him. Next to him is a man who could be Ra’s twin.
I recoil, but Raiden rushes to explain,“This is Atum. He’s a good guy—another deity whose powers were consumed by Ra’s greed. He’s willing to take back on his solar duties and alleviate Tupac of the chore.”
“Heck yeah, get this sweaty galactical ballsac off my back,” Tupac booms.
Atum snorts, “It is not a chore, but a great honor!”
Raiden rolls his eyes at me and winks. “That’s what I meant, sorry.”
A chuckle wells up inside of me at the Japanese god’s words and antics because he knows that he used to sound just like Atum!
The Egyptian god disappears to—I assume—take the sun
It lurches in the sky, rays burning brighter for a moment.
Seconds later, Tupac slowly shrinks back down to normal size and joins us in a heap on the ground. I straddle him, hugging him fiercely.
“Woah—are we having our orgy now that I’m not hung like a fucking giant?” he jokes.
Unexpectedly, instead of laughing, like his words intended, I burst into tears. “Khepri’s dead!” I wail inconsolably. My heart feels like someone’s taken Mjoli to it and pounded relentlessly, like they were tenderizing meat. I’m smooshed inside.
And nothing can undo a smooshed heart.
As if the heavens feel my pain, rain begins to fall from the sky—except, I realize that there are no clouds and it’s not rain, but ...
Pieces of shit.
One particular clump lands in my hands. I squeal in disgust and drop it, but Raiden scoops it up without hesitation. He digs inside of the little ball of dung until he pulls out ...
“A worm?” I say with a cringe.
Gross. Shit worms. Maggots. I’m about to gag. I cover my mouth in disgust. Now, I’ve seen it all, but Dev gets a big, excited smile on his face.
“No! It’s a dung beetle larvae!”
“What?” I ask in confusion but Raiden and Tupac seem to understand what Dev is trying to say.
Their faces split into huge grins.
“What is going on?” I cry out.
“My best friend came back,” Raiden answers, in his mock-concussed voice and holding up the wriggling little worm.
Though we became mortal, we didn’t lose our powers. Khepri created himself out of nothing. He can recreate himself out of nothing.
My hand falls away from my mouth and my jaw drops. Just like that, my world is right again.
My crappy god has reincarnated himself!
24
Tupac
Twenty-Four Hours, Eight Minutes, and Seventeen Seconds Later …
Yes—motherfucking orgy time!
I slap my hands and rub them together in glee. "This is gonna be so dope!"
I bob my head side to side to music only I can hear—the lyrics of I Wanna Sex You Up making my hips pump to the rhythm.
"We need candles," Raiden insists as he helps me pick up a cooler and take it outside, but I shake my head.
"No way, man. Val, Dev, and Khep are mortal. If this gets wild like I'm hoping, we'll totally ruin the mood if one of them gets burnt. Khepri can regenerate, but the others can’t."
The shithead went from a larva to an adult dung beetle to a full-grown man in less than twelve hours. I was impressed, but also slightly jealous because once he’d switched from bug form to human, Val had cuddled him the entire time in her lap as he grew—lucky bastard.
I want to grow on her lap. Or, at least, let certain parts of me grow on her lap.
Raiden grunts, "Well, how do you set the mood?"
"Easy peasy, lemon squeezy," I tell him as we set the cooler down in the burnt dirt.
I had to scorch a good chunk of the meadow after yesterday’s fight to clean up. So, now, while our tiny home isn’t in the most scenic of spots, at least we aren’t staring at zombie cow carcasses all over the place.
It’s clean, which was one of Val’s prerequisites, and that means it’s a go for sexy times.
Genius that I am, I know exactly what we need to do to tickle her feathers. I grab a white plastic bag out from beside the hot tub. I unzip it and pull out four adult-male swan costumes.
"Try one on," I command to the upti
ght former guard.
Raiden's jaw predictably drops.
"You're not serious."
"No waves, no glory," I tell him—I watched like ten epic surf shows on Netflix my last week in prison and I'm totally rocking the lingo.
He shakes his head.
"You wanna see that long, curved neck of Val's? You want to trace those tiny black marks on her beak with your tongue?"
He shudders and gets a stiffie, though he tries to hide it with his hand. ”That’s just Aphrodite’s curse.”
I stride over and check the temperature on the hot tub I got delivered this morning from a grateful Chubby, who's hiding out somewhere in the stars and whose mother—apparently—is a human who owns a hot tub store. The water's bubbling and it's perfect.
"Your loss," I tell him as I struggle into the pants of my own costume. As a rule, I don’t like pants, but this is a special occasion. The pants sag a bit because the tail feathers are pretty heavy, so I tuck them into the seam of my undies, hoping that will help. I leave off the wings for a moment and put on the head next, just like the costume shop attendant recommended. The neck and head of the swan costume are full of foam and I have to put an elastic strap under my chin to hold it on. Even with the strap, the stuffed swan head is about three feet above my own and it wobbles when I move.
"You look ridiculous! Take that off!" Raiden growls, his eyes narrowing to slits.
I just flex my pecs at him and then move side to side. Then I practice nodding my head, like I saw those swans do on that YouTube mating video Dev showed me.
Khepri walks out of our tiny house to see what the disturbance is.
He stops dead at the sight of my epic costume as I pause my mating dance practice to shrug on the wings. I’m supposed to flap them along with the head bobbing.
"What the Duat ..." His face curls up in confusion.
"This idiot thinks we're going to seduce Val with swan costumes." Raiden jabs a very rude finger at me.
I defend myself. "Dude, our lady love transforms into a swan. She deserves to be courted in a way that appeals—" Logic does nothing for the lightning god, who rolls his eyes, so I cut myself off. Why bother with him? He’ll regret it when Val sees what I’ve done.
