by Aaron Levy
When a critical conversation becomes necessary, there is often an inciting incident, something that sparks the need for the critical conversation to occur. It might be an employee showing up late to meetings over and over again, or it might be the way a colleague treated you in front of a client. In my scenario, it was the fight with Kevin. Whatever the incident is, something sparks your response. This is where we will magnify human behavior, specifically looking at the incident and response.
Here’s how we tend to look at the human reaction: There is an incident, and then there is a reaction. That’s how human behavior works, right? The incident causes the reaction to happen.
We are often unaware of the many other steps that occur instantaneously following the incident. Let’s pull back the curtain to see how human behavior works here. To truly understand how we as humans act, we must first realize that each person sees the world through their own filter—in essence altering the way they see the world around them. It’s why you and a friend may watch a movie and end up having very different interpretations and takeaways. Each of us has this filter through which we see the world. Our filters are made up of our personal values, our beliefs of right and wrong, what we expect from others, and all of our past experiences. No two filters are alike, just as no two people are the same. Your filter impacts the way you see and experience the world around you. In real time, the incident you were a part of is instantaneously received through your filter and triggers an automatic physical, emotional, and intellectual reaction.
Imagine for a moment that you are walking through a dark alley at night and you hear a loud bang. Cortisol and adrenaline immediately surge through your body, activating your physical fight-or-flight response, and as all of your muscles tense in your neck, you clench your fists and get ready to bolt. You’re afraid (your emotional response), thinking a gun was just fired and you’re in danger (your intellectual response). Your filter tells you darkness plus loud bang equals danger. All of this happens in a split second.
Now, imagine a waiter who works at a restaurant on the same block. He frequently leaves work through the back entrance so he doesn’t have to pass by any diners, choosing instead to walk through the alley after his shift is over. He’s walking home in the dark down the alley and hears the same bang you just heard. However, for the waiter, there’s no adrenaline or cortisol rush through his body; there’s no fight-or-flight response, no fear, and no worry of danger. Why? Because he’s used to walking through the alley and knows the sound of trash being thrown into the dumpster outside his restaurant and the bang that comes with it. His reaction is completely different from yours because of his filter, because of the way he views the world. It’s been colored by his past experiences of walking down the alley at night, of knowing what to expect, so he’s not immediately stressed. His filter is different from yours.
This isn’t the end of the story, though. Our filter only explains our instantaneous reaction, clenching our fists and preparing to run; it doesn’t explain the actions in the subsequent minutes. Do we call the police? Do we move out to the street? Do we hide?
These actions come as a result of our core desires as human beings. If there is one thing that’s true about all humans, it is that we have two desires: the desire to avoid pain and the desire to seek pleasure. It’s pretty basic, and if you look at why people do what they do, it explains most human behaviors. It doesn’t mean that people are logical in seeking pleasure or avoiding pain; it simply means they act most often out of the avoidance of something painful, like having a critical conversation, and toward something pleasurable in the short term, like eating a piece of chocolate. This desire leads us to make a choice about what to do; this choice is often not a conscious one.
The following visual shows the multitude of steps that happen automatically and often without our awareness following an incident.
How does this relate to critical conversations?
I was sitting down for a session with Miguel as he started to complain about a coworker, Rabia, who kept interrupting him with urgent issues she needed his expertise in solving. The problem was that most of these issues weren’t urgent at all and could easily be solved by Rabia on her own or by a simple Google search. Instead of addressing the issue directly, Miguel stewed in his frustration at Rabia. He wasn’t conscious of it, but his desire to avoid the pain of having a critical conversation led him to make a choice. His choice was avoidance. Instead of addressing the issue head on, Miguel let it stew, with each new incident building his frustration, eventually leading to a blowup and a fracture of his working relationship with Rabia.
When a conflict happens, it’s extremely difficult to see it objectively. We see it through our own filter, with our biases and expectations wrapped into the situation. We tend to connect what we see and hear to what we already know, our past experiences, and our deep-rooted values and beliefs. We then act in order to protect ourselves from pain or to seek pleasure in the moment, which often goes against the long-term outcome we are looking to achieve. This lack of awareness of how and why we act is our blind spot. Not being aware holds us back from moving forward and making effective progress as a leader. Now that you’re aware of it, you can do something about it, and you can choose to act differently. Once we see the filter and the process and become aware of our blind spot, we create the space for choice to occur.
THE STEPS OF HAVING A CRITICAL CONVERSATION
Some years ago, I read the book Nonviolent Communication, which forever changed the way I look at and communicate with others. In the 1960s, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg developed a method of communication and conflict resolution called nonviolent communication. What drew me to it was its belief that all humans are inherently good, but we resort to harmful behavior as a means to meet our needs as humans, often to seek pleasure or avoid pain. Dr. Rosenberg offered this form of communication as a tool to help resolve conflicts between coworkers, parents, couples, political leaders, and even opposing nations at war.1
The nine-step model we’ll go through together was born out of this idea. If we can express our needs more clearly and seek to understand others, we’ll be better equipped to resolve conflict and drive productive outcomes. The steps are designed to help you avoid your blind spot by bringing an awareness of yourself, your needs, and the situation to the forefront so you can focus on having critical conversations more often, more efficiently, and more effectively. As we go through the steps, use the critical conversation you identified earlier as your example to follow along with. Let’s dive into it together.
Part 1: Take a step back
In order to avoid our natural reactions and to compensate for our filter, critical conversations require some emotional distance. Taking a step back allows us to avoid the fight-or-flight response and to focus on what really matters: open, honest, and direct communication. In order to do this, you’ll need to first articulate why you need the critical conversation: What outcome do you need it to achieve? You’ll need to keep the conversation in the realm of fact, not emotion. You’ll have to control your own reactions to keep the conversation on track. Finally, you’ll need to commit to your values—and stand by that commitment.
The first part of the nine steps is all about you. It’s about assessing the situation, focusing your awareness, and preparing yourself to have the conversation. You’ll notice each step in this part is focused inward and often serves as a checklist of sorts. If, after going through these steps, you find you don’t have a strong answer to one or more of them, it might be because the conversation you thought was critical is actually not critical and simply requires delivering direct feedback. There may even be no feedback to give at all; you might discover that the situation stemmed from the stories you created and not the person in question.
Step 1: Identify the purpose
Often, we think we need to have a conversation with someone else but don’t have a clear desired outcome of the conversation. We really just want to be heard. A critical conversation
is not simply about having your side heard; it’s about altering the dynamic of a relationship or making a change that impacts your performance, the performance of another, your business, or all of the above. Achieving this goal requires clarity about the outcome you’re aiming to get from the conversation.
Looking back to my heated argument with Kevin, it was clear that what I wanted to get out of the critical conversation was a way for us to better communicate disagreements with each other.
ACTIVITY: IDENTIFY THE PURPOSE
• Document the purpose of the conversation you need to have.
• What are you hoping will be different as a result of having the conversation?
It is crucial to be clear about what you are looking to get out of the conversation—to give the other person clarity on the discussion from the start. It helps you avoid blindsiding them and provides you a clear path for the conversation.
Step 2: Focus on the facts
Your conversation should be based strictly on facts—only the information you can gather through observation. Think about it as if a hidden camera captured the event. What does the camera see or hear?
This step is hard. We tend to add in our evaluations to create a story around an event. These stories are often created from our past experiences with the person or of a similar event, and they create a bias around the situation. Each story and inference we make about the situation comes from our filter and view of the world. Although it may feel like truth to us, it’s our personal, biased assessment of the truth.
Three things usually happen when we judge: The other person gets defensive, they shut down and disengage, or they go on the offensive. None of these outcomes supports moving the conversation forward. Even if your assessment is correct, a critical conversation is not about proving yourself right; it’s about getting to a better outcome.
Focusing on the facts requires us to let go of our assessment and look only at the facts—what actually happened, devoid of personal judgments. It’s hard to detach our assessment of the truth from the truth itself. That’s why taking the time to step back and focus on the facts is so important.
With Kevin, I had a lot of stories I’d built up about him in my head. I believed he didn’t care about the business as much as he cared about being right. I didn’t think he respected me as a leader, and he thought I was too young and arrogant to be in my role. He didn’t think I had what it took to lead the team, and so he shut down all of my ideas, good and bad, before he could even hear them—shutting down disagreements right at the start.
But when I looked back at the incident as if I were watching it recorded by a hidden camera, I didn’t see any of that. I actually saw very little. I saw Kevin raise his voice and ask me if I cared about the business and then leave the room. That was it. Those were the facts; the rest was my reaction to it.
ACTIVITY: FOCUS ON THE FACTS
• Document the facts of your situation—and only the facts.
• What would the hidden camera see or hear?
Although there are many evaluations that seem to us to be obvious facts, it’s important to remember that we each have our own filter of the world and our own definitions of annoyance, integrity, the right way to do things, and beliefs of right and wrong. When we focus on the facts, we are better able to remove judgment from the situation and then focus clearly on what happened and how to resolve it.
Step 3: Own your reactions
When an inciting incident happens, you have an initial reaction in three ways. There is a physical reaction, a rush of emotion or several emotions, and an intellectual reaction (a set of thoughts).
When Kevin yelled at me, questioned me, and left the room, I thought he was being shortsighted and didn’t respect or value my opinion. I got mad, clenched my fists, and felt the muscles in my neck stiffen.
ACTIVITY: OWN YOUR REACTIONS
• Go back to your situation, replay the inciting incident in your mind, and notice how it felt.
• What thought(s) crossed your mind?
• What emotions came over you?
• How did it feel in your body? Did the muscles in your neck tense, or was it a pain in your stomach?
By understanding your reaction, you can then own it. By noticing all the areas in which you react—by noticing your physical body, your emotions, and your thoughts—you open yourself to being aware. You break down your blind spot. You give yourself the space to choose a different response.
Viktor Frankl was a world-famous neurologist and psychiatrist before World War II broke out. As a Jew, he was stripped of his ability to continue his work and lost his job. Although he had an opportunity to flee to the United States to continue his work, he instead chose to remain in Austria. He just couldn’t leave his parents behind.
As the war continued, the danger for the Jewish people intensified. Viktor, his wife, Tilly, and parents were deported to the Theresienstadt ghetto, where he lost his father to starvation due to the desperate living conditions. From there, Viktor and his family were shipped on cattle cars to the Auschwitz death camp, where he would eventually lose his brother, mother, and wife.
Viktor lost seemingly everything important in his life—his home, his work, his family, and his freedom. As a psychiatrist, he started to look at the human condition in these death camps, at this profound experience, with a humanistic curiosity. He explored existentially why some people in the camps died and others survived. He could tell which of his friends would not wake up in the morning and which ones would persist despite the gloom ahead of them. He noted his findings in his book Man’s Search for Meaning, where he shared, “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”2 The people who held on to a purpose, a reason for life, who could find meaning in getting up in the morning, were more likely to get up and push on.
What Viktor realized was that, however difficult the situation, however hard the Nazis worked to strip him of his dignity, energy, and life, they could not take his mind, his thoughts, and his why. These were under his control. In his book, Viktor determined that “everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Viktor chose to focus on what he could control rather than what he couldn’t. He tapped into the meaning in his life and made a choice to survive and persevere.
I share this story to highlight how, even in life’s worst imaginable circumstances, there is still choice. Focusing on what is within your control empowers you.
You might look at your situation and think, I have a right to be mad. And you do. The point of owning your feelings is not to dismiss them or deny that an event had an effect on you. Your needs are real, and the event sparked a real feeling. However, as soon as we begin to believe others ultimately have the power to control how we feel and whether our needs are met, we become the victim. If we take responsibility for our feelings and thoughts, we have the power to feel better by seeking ways to get our needs met. If you don’t see yourself as part of the problem, you can’t be part of the solution. Even in the worst possible situation, Viktor focused on what he could control.
Others may be the stimulus for your behavior, but they are not the cause. Believing that puts others in control of your actions, and you become a victim in your own life. Stop playing the role of the victim; start owning your reactions. Once you decide, once you make the conscious choice to no longer be the victim, to own your reactions, you create an opening to a more productive conversation and better outcomes.
Step 4: Stand in your commitment
What are you committed to as a leader? What is the bigger impact you are looking to have? Instead of focusing on what you don’t want to happen anymore, committing to your values and goals as a leader serves as a path to productive action.
My commitment as a leader and in life is to help people unlock their potential. It’s what I stand for. As I mentioned earlier, I use this as my North Star, my guiding light to help me
approach any critical conversation from this place of helping others rather than of getting what I want or being right.
The focus of this step is setting the intention for the conversation. Even if you don’t share the intention with anyone else, it will be felt. By aligning your intention for the conversation with your commitment as a leader, you give yourself a powerful purpose—a why with which to approach the conversation from a place of productivity.
ACTIVITY: STAND IN YOUR COMMITMENT
• What is your commitment as a leader?
• Are you upholding that commitment in this conversation?
Up until now, we’ve really just been having a conversation with ourselves. The point of the two-part process is to force us to take a step back, to give more space between incident and response. Doing so will make it easier for us to choose the most effective response, giving us the highest likelihood of success in the conversation.
Before you jump into having a critical conversation, make sure to step back. In doing this work with leaders, I’ve noticed the conversation breaks down when you skip a step, when you’re convinced you know what you want to say, but you’ve not focused on the facts or thought it necessary to own your reactions. In taking a shortcut, you shortchange your self-awareness and often miss the root cause of the conversation.
Part 2: Have the conversation
Let’s assume you’ve taken the time to step back, reflected on the purpose of the conversation, focused on the facts, owned your reactions, and taken a stand in your commitment to others. Now it’s time to have the conversation. This part of the critical conversation process is much more tactical. As I share the steps with you, I’ll continue to prompt you through application activities to prepare the conversation you’re looking to have while also giving practical best bets of what to include and what to avoid.
