by J. L. Beck
Vance is already standing at the bottom of the stairs, chatting with our parents when I appear at the top of the stairs. Neither one of them notices how tense he is. How hard he’s trying to make polite small talk when all he probably wants to do is confront them. I don’t know why he hasn’t said something yet, if I was him, I would be coming unglued, bursting at the seams for answers. Not Vance, he’s cool, casual, acting as if he didn’t just find out the most tragic lie of all.
It might be pitiful, but even after all my mom has done, I still want her to spend time with me without fighting. All I want is my mom back, and bringing up what happened five years ago is not going to be pleasant for any of us right now, so even though I know Vance is dying for answers, I hope at the very least he waits until we leave.
“We didn’t know you guys were going to be here today.” I force a smile, even though I feel more like crying.
“It wouldn’t have been a surprise if we would have called in advance, would it?” My mom beams at me. “And for you, young lady, I have one more surprise.”
“You do?” I perk up even though I feel shameful about it.
“Yup, we are going to the spa! Just the two of us for the rest of the day. I felt bad leaving as soon as you got here, so I thought we could spend the day together.”
My mom gives me a genuine smile and now I feel like crying for an entirely different reason. This entire thing is a shit show. It’s hard to hate someone that gave you life, but it’s even harder to know that your life would probably be as it was supposed to be had that person not made a selfish choice.
“Yes, that sounds… it sounds great,” I tell her, but I can’t help it when my gaze moves to Vance. His body language all but screams the pain he’s feeling on the inside and the people that are the cause of that pain are right in front of him, and sadly they don’t even notice.
“I’m guessing you kids got along just fine while we were gone? Seeing as we got no phone calls, and you both are alive and well?” Henry jokes, slapping a hand to Vance’s back.
“Yeah, everything was great,” Vance grinds out.
“Good, good. Well, the ladies are going to the spa, we should go play some golf. What do ya say, son?” Henry asks.
Vance shrugs. “I don’t golf, but if you want me to go…”
“Perfect. I’ve got some calls to make, but we can meet up after lunch.” Henry turns to my mother and presses a kiss to her cheek. “I’ll be seeing you later,” he whispers, and then his eyes flick to mine. “Have fun, ladies.”
I stand motionlessly as my mother looks between Vance and me as if she’s trying to fit the missing pieces back into place to solve the puzzle.
Finally, after she’s flicked her gaze between us twice, she says, “I’m going to go and change really quick and then we can head out.”
I nod my head and watch as she walks away, leaving Vance and I alone all over again. That seems to be a reoccurring thing in this house.
Staring at him, I feel the need to reach out to him, to soothe him, so I do. I place my hand on his shoulder and let his warmth seep into me. It’s a simple touch, but it feels like I’m sticking my hand into the sun.
“I don’t know what to say,” he admits.
“You don’t need to say anything. I’m just glad you know the truth now.” I still want to ask him what he thought I lied about, but seeing how troubled he is already, I decide to bite my tongue. I can always ask him later.
His eyes are transfixed on mine for a minute, and a regretful shadow cloaks his face. Somehow, I get the feeling he wants to tell me that he’s sorry, but the words never come. I’m hyper-aware of him now, my body buzzing when in his presence. Having sex changed something between us, but it wasn’t just the sex, it was the truth coming out too.
“I’ll talk to you tonight, okay?” he finally says.
“Okay.” I smile. Giving in to the need to hug him, I throw my arms around him and pull him into my chest. He’s a good foot taller than me, but I make it work. He dips his head down and lets it rest on my shoulder, his arms snaking around my middle and coming to rest on my lower back. He’s holding me to him, hugging me back, and after that first night at the wedding, I was sure this would never happen.
We don’t hug for long, or at least it doesn’t feel like a long time, because I want to keep holding onto him. When we break apart, he looks a little calmer, some of the tension in his gorgeous face fading.
“Have fun with your mom,” he tells me. “I’m going on a drive to clear my head before going golfing with my dad.” Pulling out a pair of keys from his pocket, he heads for the door just as my mother calls out for me.
“You ready to go, Ava?”
With one last fleeting glance, he walks away.
“Yeah, let’s go.”
◆◆◆
Spas are not my thing, let’s be real. Getting dolled up, doing my hair and makeup, also not my thing, but spending time with my mother is more important to me than my sanity for lack of girliness and since I’m desperate for even a little bit of interaction, I let her drag me along.
We do a full body massage that makes my body feel like goop, and get our hair cut and colored. By the time we’re finished at the salon I’ve got a growling belly and look and feel like a million bucks.
“Let’s go to lunch, and then we can do a little shopping. I want to get some stuff for your bedroom. Add some personal touches to it.” I smile, but can’t help but feel guilty. While I’m having a great time with my mother, Vance is stuck in the presence of his father, dealing with a truth that was hidden from him for five years.
Five years, he blamed me. Five long years.
We head into an Italian bistro at the mall, the hostess seating us right away.
“Are you okay? You seem…worried,” my mom asks, and for the first time in three years, I see my mom look at me with genuine concern. She’s not looking through me, she’s looking at me, and it feels too real, too much.
“I missed you,” I blurt out. “I really missed you.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” Her eyes fill with tears and I have to bite my bottom lip to keep myself from crying. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I missed you too. I’d have called more often…and visited you. And the worst part is that my excuse for not doing so, is selfish. I’ve made many mistakes in my life, I’m not too proud to admit that, but not being there for you for the last three years was the biggest mistake of all.” She pauses to wipe an escaped tear away with her finger.
“Every time I did call you, I was reminded of everything I’ve lost, and that hurt. It was easier not to call altogether. I told myself that it would be easier for you too, but obviously I was wrong, and for that, I am very sorry.”
I didn’t even know that I needed to hear her say those words until she said them. For so long, I was wondering why she didn’t call me, why she left without coming back. I often thought to myself that it was me, that she didn’t want me. So many times, I asked myself what I could have done wrong, so to hear her say that I didn’t do anything wrong at all, it took a huge weight off my shoulders.
Fidgeting with the napkin in my hands, I say, “I thought maybe it had something to do with me so—”
My mother cuts me off, “God, no honey. It had nothing to do with you. I know what I did was selfish and I’m sorry for that, truly I am.” And for a moment I wonder which part she’s admitting to being selfish about...having an affair or being a shit mom.
“Now tell me, how are classes going. Did you and Vance really get along while we were gone?” she asks while clasping her hands under her chin.
“Classes are good, and everything was fine. No fights, nothing.” I don’t dare mention the fact that we fucked in my bedroom just moments before they came home. Somehow I don’t think my mom would enjoy hearing that little tidbit. And I don’t tell her about Vance’s house party or any of the petty things he did like share my cell phone number with the entire campus.
“Good, good. I know the situatio
n wasn’t ideal.” She frowns. “And that I had to bribe you a little to get you out here, but I hope it hasn’t been too bad.”
Thinking about it, it could be worse. I could be homeless, living in my car, while looking for work instead of going to college. Dealing with Vance’s taunts, and verbal bullshit was something I could handle, as long as I had somewhere to rest my head at night. The only person I worried about now was my father.
“It wasn’t that bad, and I’m enjoying being here with you even though we haven’t been able to spend much time together.”
She smiles, her eyes getting misty. “Awe, honey I don’t deserve a daughter like you.”
No, you don’t, I want to say, but don’t. Then the waitress comes by the table and takes our orders. We make small talk about the design of my bedroom and how she wants us to do something together each week to make up for lost time. And because I’m desperate for her affection and love, I agree.
Once our stomachs are filled with more carbs than a human should be allowed to consume, she calls for the check. Our day together is coming to an end and the reality of what awaits me once we get home falls heavily on my shoulders. Being with my mom was an easy distraction from the chaos, but I know once we get home, shit is going to hit the fan.
I bite my tongue, stopping myself from asking her anything about it. Maybe she doesn’t know that they told Vance something different than what happened. She probably wouldn’t care anyway, and only tell me to move on, to get over it, that it’s in the past and can’t be rewritten.
But is it really the past if it’s affecting your future?
“You look lost in thought, is something bothering you?” My mother’s voice rings in my ears and for a moment, I forgot where I was, becoming so wrapped up in my thoughts.
I clear my throat drawing myself back to the present. “I was just wondering why Vance’s parents got a divorce.” I try not to sound too eager, mainly just curious.
“Why…” My mother blinks slowly. “Why would you ask something like that?” Suddenly she seems nervous.
“Oh, no reason really. Just looking for something else to bond with Vance over. He’s a hard nut to crack.” I smile, but it’s forced, and I hope she can’t tell.
“Ahh, well truthfully...I do not know. Henry and I never talk about his and Meg’s marriage. We’re beyond in love. Why worry about the past anyway?”
I want to scream at her...to tell her that Vance and I are currently living in the past because of her and Henry’s selfishness, but I don’t. What’s the point? She doesn’t care, and if she does know something, it’s obvious she isn’t going to tell me. The only way to get the answers that I want and need is to go to Vance.
“You’re right. Let the past be the past, right?”
My mother smiles, and it’s dazzling, happiness filling her eyes. “That’s right. Continue forward, not backward.”
I can’t help but think about the fact that both of them got what they wanted, they ruined two families, and still ended up happily together and that’s the lesson here, I suppose. If you shit on enough people, you’ll always find a way to come out on top.
What kind of person shits on their family though?
Chapter Fourteen
Vance
Somehow we make it through a whole game of golf without really speaking. I mean it’s not like we just stare at each other or anything, but he doesn’t ask me how I’m doing, or how it’s been with him gone.
He’s changed.
It wasn’t really noticeable before, but since Laura came into his life, he’s almost pushed me out of the picture, only dealing with me when he feels he has to. All my life, I’ve looked up to him, wanting to be like him, but now it feels like I’ve lost my compass, and I don’t know which way to go. I can’t look up to a man that’s lied to me for years, that’s responsible for my anger, my pain. Fuck, I can’t even imagine how Ava must feel right now. She knows now that I had no idea, but that doesn’t mean I can take anything back.
All the things I’ve said and done to her. Just thinking about it, and knowing that I placed the blame on the wrong person this whole time it makes me sick, physically and emotionally. There’s no amount of pleading and begging, there are no words I can say to make her forgive me.
The question I want to ask has been sitting impatiently on the tip of my tongue for the last three hours, but I can’t bring myself to actually ask him. I’ve analyzed every way this could go, and I still don’t have the balls to ask him.
Mainly because I’m not ready to admit it to myself... but the truth is... I’m scared. Afraid to hear my father’s answer. Sure there isn’t shit he could say that would make any of this better or change the damage that’s been done, but I need this, to hear him, to hear the truth spoken out loud, because right now all this feels like is a nightmare I’m never going to wake up from.
After three hours of painful silence while hitting balls around with a bunch of other rich fuckers, we walk back to the clubhouse and load up the clubs into the trunk. I know time is running out. If I want to ask him when it’s just us, I’ll need to do so now.
Knowing that, I mentally prepare myself for what’s to come. I lock down my emotions, sliding a mask onto my face. No matter what he says, at least I’m getting the truth, right? Wrong is wrong, but I don’t focus on that. My stomach knots with dread as we both get into the car. The engine roars to life and fills the empty space inside the car with a dull hum.
Sucking in a deep breath, I blow it out and ask, “Did you and Laura have an affair five years ago?”
“What?”
The shock in his voice surprises me, probably because I was expecting him to say yes.
“Did you?” No way am I repeating that question again, and especially not when I know he heard me the first time.
He gives me a befuddled expression, his brows pinching together. “Why would you ask me something like that?”
No, yes or no answer, just another question on top of all the others.
“Did you?” I repeat more urgently. I need him to say it. Yes or no. My knee starts to bounce up and down, nervous anxiety vibrating off of me.
“Of course not, Vance. What the hell? I loved your mother very much when we were married and never would have done such a horrendous thing.”
My knee stops mid-bounce, and my gaze drops to the floor. No?
“No?” I croak. There’s a terrible feeling inside my chest. It feels like my heart’s being ripped in two, a spasm of pain shooting through me, almost like a bullet has lodged itself deep inside. My lungs burn, needing air, but I can’t even perform the simplest of functions.
“No, of course not, son. Why would you even ask me a question like that?”
He said no.
He said no.
Which means…
“Vance, did something happen? Talk to me, son.” My father’s voice draws me back.
“A...Ava…” I stutter. A hundred things running through my head all at once. Ava’s smile, her laughter, her sweet floral scent, her soft curves, her pink lips.
Everything…everything is a lie. Why can’t I see her for what she is? Why did I let what she said to me affect me in such a way? I should’ve expected this, expected her manipulation. She lied then, and she’s continuing to lie. A cheetah never changes its spots. The pain inside gives way to anger, and it floods my veins, fueling me with red-hot rage like I’ve never felt before.
She manipulated me.
Lied to me…again.
She made me think it was all real. Her tears, her pain.
“What happened? Did something happen when we were gone?” Concern overtakes his confused expression. “I tried to tell Laura it was a bad idea to let her come and live with us. I’m sorry if she upset you.”
Clenching and unclenching my fists to gain some type of composure, I say, “Why? Why was it a bad idea for her to come and live with us?” I could name ten reasons off the top of my head right this second, but I want to know why he thin
ks it was a bad idea.
Maybe I can get him to ship her off somewhere, obviously not until I get done with her, but nonetheless, I’ll get rid of her even if I have to send her back to her piece of shit father, crying.
“Her mother told me she’s got a serious problem with lying. I guess it’s something she’s developed over the years, or should I say gotten better at. She’s a master manipulator, Vance. She can’t be trusted, not at all.”
Ain’t that the fucking truth. I should’ve seen this coming, but I was caught up in the glamour of who she was, thinking maybe beneath it all she was an actual fucking human, the friend I had cared for so much. But if there is anything this teaches me, it’s that if someone does something once, and gets away with it, they’ll do it again, and I guess that’s what Ava was doing. Trying to gain some hold over me.
“She lied, right to my fucking face. I swear I thought she was telling the truth. She looked so genuine. She was even crying… real tears, real fucking tears,” I whisper, talking more to myself than my father.
He shakes his head in disappointment. “It makes sense, she’s been making up things since she was an early teen, fabricating stories so well it was hard not to believe them. Remember when she told her father you threatened her? That you wanted her to steal some jewelry so you could sell it? Seems she’s only gotten worse over time. Don’t feel bad for believing her, son. She’s been practicing this lying gig for so long, its second nature to her. I’ll have Laura talk to her, let her know that if she does something again, she’s out. I wouldn't subject you to that again. My son isn’t a liar, and you’ve never done anything to anyone.”
Every muscle in my body tightens…I’m strung so tight that once I snap, I worry there may not be any coming back from the things I’ll do.
