by Gerri Hill
"I know. But I am hungry."
"Good. Why don't you call the hospital and I'll start on the eggs."
"Okay." The reality of the day was catching up to her.
"Over easy," Jo requested and walked into the living room.
She found the number to the hospital and waited for the nurse in Intensive Care to pick up.
"I'm Johanna Marshall, Harry Marshall's granddaugh-ter. Has there been any change?" she asked, holding her breath.
"No. I'm sorry, Ms. Marshall. There's no change."
"Okay. Thanks. I'll be there later this morning."
Kelly stuck her head in. "Well?" she asked.
"No change," she said, holding her gaze.
Kelly walked over and held her. "No change is better than a change for the worse," she said, and Jo nodded.
Jo really wasn't hungry anymore, but she forced down the bacon, eggs and toast Kelly had made. She hadn't eaten since breakfast the day before, and she knew she needed more than just coffee.
"I need to call Betsy," Jo said. "And Susan."
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"Don't worry about it. I'll call them," Kelly offered.
"Thanks, that would help."
"Do you want me to take you to the hospital?"
"Oh, no. I'll be fine," she said. "You've done enough."
Then she remembered the friend Kelly had staying with her. "Do you have company?" Jo asked her.
Kelly nodded. "Yeah, I do."
"Now? At your place?"
"Yeah. But I called her this morning."
"Oh," Jo said quietly.
"Jo, she's an old friend from college."
"You don't have to explain to me," Jo said.
"I do have to explain. I can see what you're thinking.
Kim and I roomed together in the dorm our freshman year and have been friends ever since. Just friends. She's got a girlfriend, they've been together ten years or more.” Kelly met her eyes. "She just came to visit, honest."
"I believe you," Jo said and she did.
"I'm not like what you think," Kelly said softly.
"No, I don't think you are. You came to me last night without a question. I needed you so much," she admitted.
"I'm glad it was me you needed."
They smiled across the table as Kelly took her hand.
"Everything will be fine."
Jo was at the hospital at just a few minutes past nine.
Harry looked the same as when she had left him, pale and still. Her chair had been moved against the wall, and she pulled it over by his side and took his cool hand in hers.
"Good morning, Harry," she whispered. "It's a beautiful day out. Perfect for boat riding.” She willed her tears away and continued. "You know, you promised me a boat ride yesterday."
He was perfectly still, his hand limp in hers.
"Oh, Harry. I need to talk to you," she said, wiping at 148
a tear that had escaped. "Remember I told you about Kelly?
How she was no good for me? Well, I'm not so sure anymore. She was with me last night when I needed her, and this morning. I like her a lot, Harry. More than I should, I know. And, God, I think she's in love with me.
"She didn't say it, thank goodness, because I don't know what I would have done. I'm certainly not ready for that.”
She reached up and touched his face, ignoring the tubes attached to him. "You always said that you didn't want to leave me alone. I wish you could meet her. You've always been such a good judge of character. I know you’d be able to tell me if she's the one for me, Harry. I just don't know.
I don't know if I can let her get close, though. If something happened, I would need you there to help me get through it."
She let her tears come. She couldn't fight them anymore. "Oh, Harry, please don't leave me," she pleaded. "I need you."
She held his hand tightly, then brought her face to rest in his palm. "I love you."
Betsy and Janis came before lunch and stayed with her for an hour.
"We can stay longer," Betsy insisted.
"No, there's nothing for you to do here. I'll call if there's any change," Jo assured them.
A group from the Senior Center came, too, and Jo thanked them. It was nice to know he had friends there. At two, she walked to the cafeteria to get a sandwich, which she had to force down. She couldn't seem to think of anything except Harry, and she felt so helpless. And hopeless.
Later that afternoon, while she sat with him, she felt his hand twitch in hers, and she looked closely at him, praying that his eyes would open and he would smile at her and call her Jo-Jo.
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"Harry?” She gripped his hand tightly, wanting to feel him move again, but then she noticed the monitor over his head. His even heartbeat was no longer showing. Instead, one steady line ran across the screen.
"Oh, no!" she cried. "No, Harry!” She held his hand to her face and cried, her shoulders shaking with sobs.
She was shoved out of the way as the doctors went to him and a nurse ushered her out of his room. "Ms. Marshall, please, let us take care of him," she said gently.
Jo couldn't move. Tears streamed down her face, and she couldn't pull her eyes away. She knew that if she did, she would never see him again.
No," she cried, shaking her head.
"Come, you must.” The nurse insisted, and Jo turned slowly away, sobs coming with great force, shaking her slender shoulders.
"Good-bye, Harry," she whispered and covered her face with her hands. She left without looking back. She didn't want to see what they did to him. She walked blindly out the door and to her car, where she sat and cried.
Without thinking, she drove to his house. She wanted to be close to him and this was where he was. She walked down to the dock and started the boat, unmindful of the cool evening approaching. Speeding along the lake, she let the wind dry her tears as fast as they fell. She eased up on the throttle when she came upon a flock of ducks, then idled slowly as the waves rocked the boat. The coots had returned, she noted, seeing several mixed in with the ducks. Harry used to curse the coots, or mud hens, as he called them. He claimed they would come by the hundreds and rob his birdfeeders. She teased that he never should have started feeding them. She knew he secretly enjoyed watching them, the way they seemed to run across the water when startled.
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They were as familiar during the winter months as the robins that returned each fall.
She leaned against the side of the boat and waved her hands wildly over her head. On cue, the coots took off, their feet striking the water as they ran out of harm’s way. The mallards simply cocked their heads, dismissing her crazy antics.
“That was for Harry!” she yelled at the coots. Then, feeling foolish, she turned the boat around. The sun had set, but she wasn’t worried. She knew the lake like the back of her hand and followed the shoreline home.
She was chilled when she got back. Dusk was upon her and she made her way to the dark house, following the familiar path she and Harry had walked for years.
Taking down his bottle of scotch, she poured herself a liberal amount and sat in his chair in the living room, sipping slowly. She felt numb. She had cried herself dry. Staring out over the lake, she watched the water ripple in the glare of the boathouse light. Occasionally, a boat sped past, and she watched its lights fade in the darkness.
Finally, she made herself get up and go home. Tomorrow, she would have to be strong. Tomorrow, she would have to make arrangements for Harry, and she dreaded it. She had done it all when Beth had died, Harry had been too distraught. Now, there was no one to take care of the details for her, however distraught she may be.
Her answering machine was blinking when she walked into the living room, and she pushed the “play” button as she walked past.
"Jo? Are you there?" Kelly's soft voice sounded urgent to her ears. "I called the hospital. I'm so sorry, honey. Please, call me when you get home."
She felt her heart tighten at Kelly’s word
s, and she bit her lip.
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The next message was from Betsy. "Kelly just called us.
Where are you? Do you need us to come over? Why don't you come stay with us tonight? Call me, please."
Jo nodded to the machine and listened to the next message. It was from Kelly again. "Jo, where are you? Please call me. I'm worried about you."
Jo walked to the phone and dialed Kelly's number as another message from her played. "Jo, goddamn it, if you're there, pick up the phone. Don't shut me out, please."
Kelly answered on the first ring.
"It's me," Jo said quietly.
"Where have you been?"
"At the lake.”
"I'm coming over," Kelly insisted.
"Yes, please," Jo said, and Kelly hung up without saying good-bye.
Next, she called Betsy. "Yes, I'm okay.”
"Do you want to come over?"
"No. Kelly's coming here."
"Good. You don't need to be alone, Jo. God, I'm so sorry, honey. I know how close you were."
"Yes, I'll miss him," she whispered.
"What can we do?" Betsy asked.
"I don't know yet. Tomorrow I'll think about the funeral.
Tonight, I just want to forget.”
"I understand. I'll come over tomorrow, okay?" Betsy asked.
"Yes, I'd be grateful," Jo sighed.
She was making herself a drink when Kelly drove up.
She walked in without knocking.
"Jo?" she called.
"I'm in the kitchen," Jo called back.
Kelly walked in, took her in her arms and held her close.
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"I was so worried about you," she whispered. "Why didn't you call someone?"
"I just didn't think, I guess.” Jo felt the tears forming again. "I can't believe he's gone," she cried.
"Shhh. I know, honey. I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone. I wish I could have been there for you."
Jo was touched by her words and sobbed on Kelly’s shoulder. It felt so good to be held, so good to feel loved.
She pulled away and raised red, tired eyes to Kelly. "Please, will you stay with me tonight?"
"Of course," Kelly said gently. "I'll take care of you."
Jo remembered Harry hoping that she’d have someone to take care of her, and she wished now that he could know she did have someone.
Jo slept soundly that night in Kelly's arms and didn't wake until nearly seven. Kelly was still with her, though awake and watching her.
"How long have you been awake?" Jo asked, her voice hoarse from crying.
"Just a little while," she said softly.
"You've got to get to school," Jo said.
"Yeah, I know. I hate to leave you, though."
"I'll be okay. I've done this before," she said flatly.
"You shouldn't have to do it alone," Kelly pulled Jo near.
"I'll be okay," she repeated.
Kelly kissed her tenderly. "I've got to get going. I have to go by my place for clothes."
"It's okay. Go," Jo said. "You called Susan?"
"Yes. She's got your classes covered."
"Thank you."
"They're going to want to know when the funeral will be," she said gently.
Jo took a deep breath. "I guess tomorrow or Wednesday.
There's no reason to wait longer. It's not like there are 153
relatives to notify.” She rolled away from Kelly, feeling tears coming again.
"Jo, I wish there was something I could do."
"You have. You've been here for me," she whispered.
"Don't push me away again," Kelly pleaded.
Jo turned back to her, reached up and touched her face.
"I won't. I promise."
Kelly kissed her palm, then wiped her tears away.
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Chapter Twenty-One
The whole day was a blur to Jo. Friends came and went.
Betsy took off work and stayed with her. Jo called the same funeral home they had used when Beth died. The reality of Harry's death hit hard. She started crying, and Betsy took the phone from her and talked to the funeral director, finishing the arrangements. The funeral would be Wednesday.
"You've got to pick out a casket," Betsy said gently.
Jo nodded.
"Janis and I could do that for you, honey," Betsy offered.
"Would you really?” She knew she should have the strength to do this herself, but she just didn't.
"Yes. Don't worry about it, okay. We'll take care of it."
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"I love you guys," she whispered.
Kelly came over at three, after her last class. She walked in, unmindful of the others there and took Jo in her arms.
"How are you holding up?" she said into her ear.
"Not too good," she admitted, though she felt better now that Kelly had arrived.
Kay came by after work, as did Deb, and Jo was touched.
Everyone seemed to think that she would be in the mood to eat, as they all brought something.
"You need to eat something," Betsy insisted.
"I'm not really hungry," Jo said.
"Of course you're not, but you've got to eat.” She went into the kitchen to make her a plate, and Jo looked wearily at Kelly.
"They're just trying to help," she said.
Jo nodded. "I know."
"Do you want everyone to leave?"
"I don't want you to leave," Jo said.
"No. I’m not leaving you," she whispered.
Jo forced down nearly half of what Betsy had piled on her plate and soon everyone was leaving.
"I'll come by tomorrow," Betsy said at the door.
"No. I'll be fine," Jo insisted.
"I'll be with her, Betsy," Kelly said.
"You will?" Jo asked, surprised. She had not expected her to miss school.
"I've cleared it with Susan."
When they were alone, Jo settled on the sofa and laid her head back.
"What can I get you?" Kelly asked.
"A drink," she said. "Strong."
"Coming right up."
Jo closed her eyes, thankful for the friends who had come today. They had meant well, even if it was exhausting 156
for her. The only one she really wanted was Kelly, and she was here now, without question. Tomorrow would be difficult, probably more so than Wednesday. Tomorrow, she would say good-bye to Harry in private, at the lake.
"Here you go," Kelly said, handing her the drink.
"Thanks. And thanks for tomorrow, too."
Kelly looked at her with soft brown eyes, then took her hand and held it gently. "You've never told me about him.”
Jo closed her eyes and laid her head back. "I never knew my father. He left before I was born," she said. "Though Harry was never a father. He spoiled me too much for that.”
She smiled.
"My mother was killed when I was twelve and I went to live with Harry and Beth. Whatever Beth said I couldn't do, Harry said I could."
"You've always called them by their first names?"
"Yes, as long as I can remember. Harry said it made him old before his time to call him grandfather. I think Beth preferred the more formal name, though I seldom called her that."
"What happened to your mother?" she asked.
"Car accident.” Jo looked at her then. "She was an elementary school teacher."
"So you followed in her footsteps?"
"I think that's the main reason I became a teacher. I needed to connect to her, somehow. That seemed the only way. I hated it at first, though it sort of grew on me."
"You must be good," Kelly said.
Jo laughed. "I don't know. I sometimes think my classes are so very boring."
"Well, English. What do you expect?" Kelly teased.
Jo smiled at her and took her hand. "Thank you for being here."
"I want to take care of you," Kelly said softly.
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&nb
sp; Jo brought her hand up and kissed it. "Harry has been telling me for the last few months that I needed somebody.
I told him that I was fine being alone.” She shook her head.
"But I was wrong."
"Do you want me to stay the night?" Kelly asked.
"What about your friend?"
"She left today."
Jo nodded. "Yes. I want you to stay with me. But only if you want to. Not because you feel you have to."
"I want to be with you. I like waking up with you," Kelly said softly.
Jo looked into her eyes and was frightened by what she saw there. Kelly didn't try to hide her feelings and Jo quickly looked away. She wasn't ready for that.
"I'm sorry," Kelly whispered. "Come here,” and she pulled Jo into her arms.
Jo rested her head on Kelly's shoulder and closed her eyes. It would be so easy to love her, she thought. But she couldn't allow it. Not yet.
They went to bed a short time later. Jo closed her eyes, her hand curled around Kelly's breast, and felt safe. Kelly held her until she fell asleep.
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Chapter Twenty-Two
They had a casserole for breakfast, one of the three that was in her refrigerator, and ate out on the deck, enjoying the warm November weather. It was another clear day, the sky blue and cloudless. They watched Bull Creek rush by as they ate in silence.
They had slept late, nearly until eight. Jo was still in Kelly's arms when the sun woke her, and she had watched for long moments while Kelly still slept. They had slept naked but they had not made love during the night, just like they had not the night before. As much as Jo wanted her, as much as she was attracted to her, she also just needed Kelly to be there for her. And Kelly was. Kelly seemed perfectly content to hold her during the night. Jo was convinced that what Kelly felt for her was more than just 159
sexual attraction and it scared her. Maybe if they had made love, she could have believed it was all just physical, that Kelly was only hanging around for sex. But Kelly hadn't even tried. She had simply held Jo until she fell asleep and had still been holding her when she woke up. Jo didn't know which frightened her more.
"I think I want to take the boat out today, if that's okay,"
Jo said.
"Sure. Whatever you want."
"Harry loved the lake."
"Would you rather be alone out there, Jo?"
"No. I want you with me," she answered.
Kelly nodded and took their plates inside, leaving Jo alone with her thoughts.
