by Gerri Hill
"No, I didn't spend the night with her."
"Did you spend part of the night with her?"
"Jo, don't do this," she warned.
"Oh, God. You slept with her, didn't you?” Jo closed her eyes and pictured them together, and she thought she was going to be sick.
"I was drunk enough to, I guess, but no, I didn't sleep with her. I left alone."
"You hurt me," Jo whispered.
"I don't mean to," Kelly whispered back.
"Why won't you talk to me anymore?"
"You don't think it hurts me to be with you? To feel the way I do about you and know that nothing can come of it?"
"I'm so sorry," Jo cried. "I miss you."
"Jo, what do you want from me?" Kelly asked. "You don't want my love. Do you just want sex?"
"Please, don't."
"Goddamn it, Jo.” She hung up.
Jo replaced the phone gently, rolled over and cried.
Jo didn't leave the house on Sunday, and she didn't answer the phone. The weather matched her mood, cold and 220
rainy all day long. She forced herself to read, and she forced herself to cook dinner, although she ended up throwing most of it away.
Betsy and Janis called and invited her to a movie, but she didn't return their call. Kelly called, too. Twice. But Jo didn't return her calls, either.
Monday morning, Kelly was waiting beside her office door. Jo wouldn't meet her eyes and Kelly followed her inside and closed the door behind her.
"You didn't return my calls," she accused.
"You hung up on me," Jo shot back.
"I'm in love with you," Kelly said.
Jo closed her eyes and turned away. She didn't need this so early in the morning.
"But I think I can get past that," Kelly said.
Jo turned back to her. "What?"
"I also need you. And I think you need me," she continued. "I know you don't love me. You may never love me."
Jo saw the hurt in her eyes.
"But that's okay. I did a lot of thinking yesterday. I'd rather be with you the way things were then to not be with you at all.”
"Kelly," Jo whispered. She felt tears sting her eyes again, and she moved to turn away. Kelly grabbed her arm and turned her around.
"Don’t you even want that anymore?" Kelly demanded.
"Yes, I want that. You're right. I do need you," she whispered. "It's just that I'm so mixed up, and I’ve been so goddamned miserable.”
Kelly took her in her arms, and Jo held on tightly. Yes, she needed Kelly. She had been so afraid she would never 221
know her arms again. She closed her eyes, laid her head on Kelly’s shoulder and cried.
"Shhh. I'm sorry," Kelly whispered. "I won't say it again, I promise. Who knows, maybe it will go away.”
Jo nodded and held her and wished she had called her back yesterday.
"Can I come over tonight?" Kelly asked.
Jo nodded and pulled out of her arms.
"I'll bring a pizza.”
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Chapter Twenty-Eight They made love that night with as much intensity as they ever had. Jo cried afterward and Kelly held her, wiping her tears as they fell.
"What is it?" Kelly asked.
"I've missed you so much," Jo said. "I just couldn't bear to think that you were making love to Lucy."
"Lucy?"
"Thursday night. Friday night. I was so alone Friday night. I just knew that you were with her. And you were."
"I wasn't with her, Jo. She and Deb were at the bar. I danced with her. I danced with Deb, too."
"Did Deb kiss you, too?" Jo asked, and she smiled.
"No."
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"Did you dance with Lucy like you dance with me?" she asked seriously.
Kelly pushed her down and pinned Jo with her leg. "And just how do I dance with you?"
"Like you can’t wait to take me home and make love to me."
"Oh.” Kelly kissed her gently. "Then, no, I didn't dance with Lucy like that.” She smiled against Jo’s lips. "In fact, there was at least two feet between us at all times."
"I just bet. How did she get close enough to kiss you then?"
"Well, she held me against that back wall. It's very dark back there and before I knew what was happening. . . ."
"Don't," Jo said and covered Kelly’s mouth with her own. "I don't want to hear it."
"Then why did you ask?"
"You kissed her back, didn't you?"
"What if I told you I was pretending it was you?"
"Were you?"
"Yes. Only she doesn't kiss nearly as well as you do."
"I don't like to think of you kissing her," Jo said.
"Then don't. I didn't really kiss her, you know. We were dancing. A little closer than the two feet that I mentioned,"
she admitted, laying her head on Jo's shoulder. "She am-bushed me, really. I was drinking too much and my mind was wandering. I was thinking about you and how I should be with you."
"Were you really?"
"Really. Anyway, before I knew it, she was trying to shove her tongue down my throat."
"Oh, Kelly," Jo groaned.
Kelly laughed. "I shouldn't have even been there. I don’t even know why I went out."
“Why did you?” Jo asked.
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Kelly stared into her eyes. “I was trying to get you out of my mind. The bar seemed like a good place to start.”
Jo touched Kelly’s face lightly. “And Lucy was there.”
“I shouldn’t have danced with her. It’s unfair to her, you know. I don’t like to think that I was leading her on.”
"Were you?"
"No. I wasn't. You're the only one I want to be with, Jo."
Jo kissed her full on the mouth. "I want to be with you, too.” Jo pulled Kelly on top of her. "Make love to me again,"
she whispered.
Kelly spent nearly every night with Jo from then on.
Sometimes, she would bring clothes for the next day, and sometimes she would leave early and go to her apartment to shower and change. She never again told Jo that she loved her, and her eyes never told Jo either. When they made love, Jo had to initiate it. Even then, Kelly felt distant from her, her mind elsewhere. They never spoke of the pleasure that they gave each other and Jo was very conscious that things had changed between them. Many nights, Kelly fell asleep almost instantly, barely kissing Jo good night. Jo would wake in her arms, though, having moved to her in the darkness.
During the day, they were just friends. They had lunch together often, sometimes out, or sometimes Kelly would pick up sandwiches to eat in Jo's office. They both worked late most nights. Papers needed grading and finals needed to be written.
And this was the way Jo wanted it, she told herself. No words of love were spoken between them, and they had no commitment. Just a physical relationship, just like Jo had requested. It was all she needed, she insisted.
But was it really?
One night, in the middle of December, they sat on the floor beside the fire and held hands, their dinner plates 225
pushed aside. Jo caressed Kelly's palm with her thumb, moving it slowly, gently against her. Kelly made no move to touch her, instead, her hand remained still, her fingers limp.
Jo stopped and looked at her. Kelly was staring into the fire, her thoughts far away.
"What's wrong?" Jo finally asked.
Kelly turned to her, her eyes veiled. "Nothing."
"You haven't wanted me for awhile now," Jo said.
"Why?"
"Is that what you think?"
Jo nodded and looked away. "It's my fault, I know.”
"Please don't think that. I want you more than I ever have," Kelly insisted.
"It hasn't been the same."
"The same as when?"
"Before," Jo said simply.
"I made you a promise," Kelly said quietly. "When I'm with you like that, I have a hard time keeping that promise."
&
nbsp; Jo went to her and kissed her on the mouth. "You've been so far away from me."
"I've been right here," Kelly said and touched Jo's breast, over her heart.
"Make love to me like before," Jo pleaded, her eyes looking into Kelly's, searching for the love that had once been there.
"You said that you. . . ."
"Shhh," Jo whispered, her fingers covering Kelly's mouth. "Just make love to me."
Kelly kissed her gently, her lips soft and slow. She raised her eyes and Jo melted under their power. They hid nothing.
Kelly pulled her to her feet and led her into the bedroom. She undressed Jo slowly, her hands warm where they touched. She bent her head and touched her lips to Jo's breast, then found her mouth waiting. Jo urgently pulled at 226
Kelly's clothes and soon they were naked, their eyes traveling over each other.
Kelly moved to turn the light out, but Jo stopped her.
"No, leave it on. I want to see you.”
Kelly laid down and pulled Jo after her, and their mouths met, not gently, but with a hunger that had been missing for so long. Jo thrilled to the touch of Kelly’s hands again as they held her possessively. Jo's tongue pushed into Kelly's mouth, and she tasted every part of her, pulling out slowly, only to go back for more.
Kelly's hands moved over Jo, pulling her snugly against her, her legs opening as Jo's hips pushed against her. They lay together, their breasts touching, and Jo rubbed against her.
"I want you so much," Jo breathed into her mouth, her voice husky with desire.
"I'm all yours," Kelly whispered.
Jo captured Kelly's hands and moved them above her head, holding them there on the pillow. Her tongue snaked into Kelly’s ear, wetting it, then moved over her neck, kissing her throat where the pulse beat rapidly. Jo paused for a moment and looked at Kelly, so desirable, her eyes shut, her lips slightly parted as her breath came quickly.
Jo lay on her side, one leg pressed hard between Kelly's thighs, her mouth settled over one of Kelly’s breasts, her tongue touching the nipple, feeling it swell against her lips.
Kelly moaned softly and tried to free her hands, but Jo held them tight, her mouth hungrily sucking at Kelly’s breast.
"I want to touch you," Kelly pleaded.
“No,” Jo murmured. “Let me have my way with you.”
Kelly groaned as Jo moved to her other breast, then back to her lips. Jo know she would never tire of making love to this woman who was so responsive to her touch. She drew back and their eyes met. Kelly closed hers slowly as Jo 227
reached up and caressed her face, thumbs gently touching Kelly’s lips.
"It's never been like this before. No one's ever made me feel the way you do," Kelly whispered and opened her eyes, and Jo acknowledged the love that she saw there.
"For me either," Jo admitted, and she kissed Kelly’s mouth again.
Then she straddled Kelly, letting Kelly feel her wetness as she kept Kelly’s arms pinned above her head. She dipped her head, teasing Kelly’s nipples with her tongue, causing Kelly to squirm under her. She moved down Kelly’s body.
She could wait no longer.
Jo pushed Kelly's legs apart gently with her hands, and she could see how ready Kelly was for her. She wanted her mouth there. Her tongue reached out and touched Kelly, sliding through her wetness, tasting her, and Kelly let her breath out, a low moan escaping her.
"Oh, Jo," she breathed, and Jo saw her hands reach for the headboard.
Jo's breath came fast, and she pushed Kelly's thighs up with her shoulders, and her mouth covered her, her tongue sliding into her, warm and soft and wet. She could love her this way all night, she thought, and her eyes closed as she moved over her, into her, her tongue moving fast against her.
Much too soon, Kelly's hips rose, and Jo moved even faster until Kelly cried out, her legs trembling with orgasm.
Kelly's legs fell limp to the bed, and Jo kissed her thighs gently, then kissed her soft mound of hair again and crawled up beside her. She gathered Kelly in her arms and held her, her own eyes closed as her heart slowed.
"Jo, I love you so much," Kelly whispered. "I ache from it."
"I don't want to hurt you," Jo said. She opened her eyes and watched Kelly, her eyes still shut.
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"I wish you could trust me."
Jo felt her own heart ache. Kelly's brow was drawn, and Jo saw her squeeze her eyes tighter, saw the tears that escaped anyway. Tears she had caused. She reached up and kissed them away, her tongue drying them as they fell.
"Please don't cry," Jo whispered.
"I love you."
"I know you do," she said gently.
Jo wanted to say the words back to her, though she dared not. She surely felt like her own heart would burst if she didn't, for she knew she was in love with Kelly. She had been for a very long time, she admitted now. But saying the words out loud was more than she could allow. Admitting them to herself was scary enough. Saying them to Kelly would change everything. It would make their relationship real. It would mean commitment.
Kelly opened her eyes and stared into Jo's for a very long time. Jo didn't look away. Kelly finally drew her down to kiss her.
“I'm sorry."
"Please don't say you're sorry," Jo whispered. "I...”
She stopped before the words rushed out and she closed her eyes, so afraid Kelly would see the love there.
"Let me make love to you," Kelly said as she rolled over, pinning Jo beneath her.
Jo smiled and guided Kelly’s mouth to hers. Yes, she could show her love that way. She could tell Kelly she loved her by her actions, if not by her words.
Kelly's mouth slowly assaulted her, and Jo lay back, her eyes closed to the light as the feel of Kelly's tongue and mouth dissolved her. Her own tongue drew Kelly's into her mouth, and she held her near, her hands on her face holding her close. She had never wanted another person as much as 229
she wanted Kelly. She was consumed with desire for her.
Wrapping her arms around her, she held her tightly.
Kelly pulled away and watched her. Jo closed her eyes again, afraid of what they might reveal. Her hands slowly moved over Kelly’s back and she pulled Kelly to her breast.
Kelly's mouth found her, sucking her nipple, causing Jo to rise up to meet her mouth. Kelly's mouth opened, and her hand squeezed Jo’s breast, and Jo let her breath out slowly as Kelly's tongue licked at her nipple.
"Oh, yes," she breathed and held Kelly there for a long time.
Kelly moved her hand down between them, her fingers searching for Jo’s wetness, and she glided into her, her fingers moving over her.
"Tell me what you want," Kelly whispered.
"I want to feel your mouth on me," Jo sighed.
Kelly covered Jo's mouth with her own and slowly slipped her tongue inside. "Like this?" she asked.
"Yes, just like that."
Kelly pushed Jo’s legs apart with her thighs and pressed her hips into her, and Jo rose to meet her, wanting to touch her. Kelly slowly slid down her body, her tongue stroking as she went, wetting her. Jo waited patiently, her breast heaving with each breath she took as Kelly's mouth went lower.
"Please," she begged, when Kelly paused to kiss her hips.
Jo opened her legs, longing for Kelly to settle between them, and her hands pushed Kelly’s shoulders, urging her to hurry. She couldn't stand another moment of this sweet torment.
Kelly continued to make her wait though, her lips moving over Jo’s thighs and down her legs.
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"Kelly, I'm dying," she moaned.
"We can't have that.” Kelly spread Jo’s legs even farther apart.
Jo's eyes squeezed shut when finally, finally, she felt Kelly touch her with her tongue, lightly, teasing.
"God, you're driving me insane," Jo breathed.
Kelly's hands circled Jo's thighs, and Jo held her breath as Kelly finally took her. Kelly’s mouth opened over her, and her tongue moved insi
de of her, and Jo pressed back into the bed, then rose up to meet her, feeling Kelly’s tongue move in and out. God, yes, this was what she wanted. This was what she needed.
Kelly's lips moved over her, her mouth and tongue stroking her as Jo writhed beneath her, her hips moving frantically as her orgasm threatened, but it was too soon. She wasn't nearly ready for this to end, and she held her breath, wanting it to last for hours, but she felt the first wave of orgasm swallow her, and her hips stilled, her feet pushed hard into the bed as she cried out, her hands clutching Kelly's shoulders, pressing her hard against her.
Oh, I do love you, she thought. She laid back, spent, and her arms dropped to her sides. She felt Kelly move beside her, and she turned her head and looked into her eyes.
"Oh, honey, that was wonderful," Jo whispered.
Kelly's eyes darkened at the endearment, and Jo closed her own and smiled.
Their lovemaking was like before. Long into the early morning hours, they touched. Sleep claimed them briefly, but they woke and made love again and again, until the sun rose, casting shadows around them as they held each other.
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Chapter Twenty-Nine Kelly left for San Francisco on the twenty-second. Jo cried when she dropped her off at the airport, as much for her being gone as for the words she said. And those that Jo did not say.
"I wish we could be together," Kelly said, as they sat quietly in Jo's car.
"I'll miss you.”
Kelly cupped Jo’s face and rubbed her lips gently with her thumb and smiled so sweetly that Jo was certain she would burst into tears right there.
"I really love you, Jo."
"I know," Jo acknowledged.
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Kelly simply nodded and was gone, and Jo was left staring after her, wishing she had told her, but still so afraid.
Afraid of what? It wasn't like it wasn't true. It wasn't like it would hurt any less if they ended their relationship, just because she had not said the words. What she had felt for Nancy couldn't even compare with what she felt for Kelly.
After all these years, she finally knew what Harry and Beth had had together. A love so powerful that it consumed you, brought you to your knees with its strength, scared you.
She drove back to her empty house, wiping the occasional tear from her cheek. Kelly had asked Jo to go to California with her, but she wasn't ready to meet her family, so she had accepted Betsy's invitation to spend Christmas with them. Now, she wished she had been stronger, wished she had agreed to go with Kelly.
