by Sabrina Kade
I swallow hard. “S-servitude.”
“Servitude? So, he did want you?”
I let out a bitter chuckle. “He wanted me, all right. Just not in the way I’d hoped. He didn’t want a fuck and done type of deal. He didn’t want twenty-four hours. He didn’t want a day or a week. He didn’t want to be able to do anything he wanted with me for a short amount of time. Believe me, I asked. I offered everything I could. But the thing he wanted was something I couldn’t give him. And that’s my entire being.” I risk another look up at Drozass through my eyelashes. Even though I’m trying so desperately not to relive this specific moment, it’s inescapable.
Soothax sneered at me with guards flanking him on either side while making his demands. Saying Washington could go, but I’d have to stay. I remember asking him, why? Repeatedly, I kept asking him, why, why, why? It always worked like this. If one of my girls got themselves into a jam, I did what I had to get them out of it. But Soothax wouldn’t hear any of it.
“He said I’d grown arrogant. He said he knew that pleasure was easy for me to give and take. And so he wanted more. He wanted to best the great Arizona. He said the term was a joke. Great Arizona? He spat in my face and called me a whore. He said I needed to learn my place. And so he offered me an ultimatum. He was prepared to drop all charges against Washington if I signed papers pronouncing to the entire universe that I was his property. His personal human whore.” I blink back the tears, burying my face in Drozass’ firm chest. “He would do whatever he wanted with me. He said he had plans to tour me around the universe and show he bested the great whore Arizona. He said humiliation would be my life. I deserved it for acting as though my clients and myself were equals. He said, so long as I agreed to his terms, he would set Washington free.”
“And you didn’t sign?”
I shake my head, and finally, the tears fall. “I c-couldn’t do it. My answer was instantaneous. Of course, I wasn’t going to subject myself to that. I wasn’t prepared to live my life that way. It was selfish, but I don’t think anything would have made me change my answer. And even though I knew I would be all right, there was still the shame. Soothax laughed at me. Laughed. Spat and gurgled. He waved his hands around. Hear and see this! The whore who cares for family truly only cares for herself. It is a shameful existence, yes? Today is the day we have shown the whore who is really in charge of Sidetha. Long live the fatherland!” I cough, not wanting to ruin my voice while impersonating him. “He said I could keep the rest of my beloved family with me, but to always remember that it can all be taken away.” I shake my head. “And he’s right, you know? He’s right. This can all be taken away. I’ll be damned if I fuck over one of my sisters again. Don’t you see, Drozass? Why I can’t be with you? I refused to give up my life to be a slave for Soothax, but then taken you? Do you see how horrible that would make me? I’d be a fraud. If I’m ready to stop working, why didn’t I stop working to save her? To make my life worth something? I was selfish once; I can’t bear being selfish again.”
A sob wracks through my body, and all the while Drozass remains silent. Gods. He’s heard it now. Why I can’t Choose him. What if Washington ever found out? Saw me from beyond the grave or something? She probably already knows I betrayed her to save my skin. How would she feel knowing I refused to take Soothax, but happily accepted Drozass? Another Sidyth?
I’m a terrible person. Yes, I kept my family together, but I made the ultimate sacrifice. Worst of all, I didn’t even sacrifice myself. I sacrificed her.
“Maybe it was the right decision.” Drozass’ voice startles me violently, and I push away from his chest, looking up with tears streaming down my cheeks.
“Huh?”
“Maybe it was the right decision.” He shrugs. “You’re the leader, yes?” I nod awkwardly. “It sounds to me like they tried to break up your entire family. You’re at the head. If they took you down, they could have easily split up the rest, right?” I nod shakily, trying to process his words. It feels like empty reasoning, but at least he’s trying to understand. Trying to make excuses for the terrible things I’ve done. “If you would have given yourself to Soothax, what would have happened to the others?”
“The others?” My voice is soft but steady.
“Yes. The two yellow-haired ones. The one with dirt on her face. Would they have been willing to do what you do to keep the family together? Or would they have allowed themselves to be split apart? Without you, they probably would have gotten away with anything. But with you as the leader, there was still power. Strength. Recognition. You may have lost one of your members, but you saved the other three, Ari.” He shrugs. “That’s how I see it, anyway.”
His words wash over me. Really? Is that what he thinks? He’s completely wrong, but maybe there’s some truth to his speculation. Soothax probably would have tried to split everyone up.
I can only imagine the reputation he would have created for himself. The Sidyth who proved not only their females are weak, but human females as well. He would have been famous. Because as much as I love and care for my girls, I can’t see Kansas or Alaska making the sacrifices I did. They want to stay alive, sure. But without me, would they see the point of staying together?
Is some part of what Drozass said, true? Did I keep the State Girls together?
It’s such a pleasant thought, but it doesn’t mean I feel any better about Washington’s fate. She’s dead because of me. Maybe if I’d signed the paper, we’d both still be alive. I shudder to think what Soothax would have put me through at this point, but it’s not a reality. This is — the alien laying in the bed beside me, trying to make my selfishness come across as a great sacrifice.
“That’s a nice thought,” I say quietly. “But Washington is still gone because of me.”
“She was sent to the hunt,” Drozass corrects. “She might have survived.”
“No human could have survived it.” He hums, not entirely agreeing with me, but being polite enough not to say it out loud. “She’s dead. And though it’s great that I’m not and the other girls are—”
“Being a leader isn’t easy.”
I dare to snort. “No. It’s not. But at least now you know why I can’t be with you.”
“I see.” His terse response forces me to lift my chin and cock my head to the side in question. “So you can’t be with me because you don’t want to be happy? You would rather spend the rest of your life punishing yourself?”
“N-no,” I say, though my voice is shaking. “It’s more than that. You heard what I did. I refused to be with Soothax—”
“He didn’t want a mate. He wanted a slave. He wanted to ruin you. That’s not the same.”
“Damn right! And that’s why I was too cowardly to accept his terms.”
“All right, you didn’t accept his terms. The highers sent Wash-ein-tun to the hunt. She may still be alive—”
“She’s not!” I push hard against his chest, wanting to beat him with my fists, but there’s no point. He’s too strong. “She’s dead. She’s dead because of me.”
“So, because of that, you’re not allowed to be happy? Are you not allowed to take a mate? You won’t Choose me because you saved three other females?”
I shake my head. “You’re not understanding. You don’t understand.”
“I think I understand perfectly. You’re afraid of happiness. You think you don’t deserve it.”
My heart thuds heavily against my chest, and I manage to free myself from Drozass’ grip. I need space. I need room to breathe. “You don’t understand. It’s something that’s been eating away at me. Killing me on the inside. You don’t know how much—”
“How much, what? How much you need to punish yourself?” He stands, but I back away to the opposite side of the room. I want him to touch me. To comfort me. But I can’t let it happen. “Arizona, you asked me to hear your secrets, and then you would let me decide what to do with them. Is that everything?” When I don’t answer, he steps closer, falling t
o his knees before me. “Is that everything you have to tell me?”
“Yes.” I stare down at him, fighting so hard not to cry as he stares up at me.
“Did we not say that it would be up to me what to do with that information?”
“Y-yes.” I hate how my voice shakes. “But—”
“But nothing,” he hisses. “I’ve heard your secrets. Now I have my answer.”
I feel like I’m going to vomit. So soon? He’s ready to give his answer? I thought he would want to think it over, but Drozass looks so sure as he slowly rises to his full height. “You do? You don’t have to answer me now. I can go. You should think about this, Drozass. I’m not only damaged goods, but I’m also not a good person.”
“Sounds like you think you already know my answer.”
I lift my chin. “I… I don’t know. You’re so difficult to read. I can’t tell—”
“I still want you.” Startled, I stumble back a few inches, but he’s quick to capture my hips with his enormous hands. “You can pretend to be shocked all you want, but you know you expected this all along, Arizona.”
“But,” I stammer, searching for words and excuses that I’m sure I’m not going to find. I try to move out from his grip, but it only tightens, securing me in front of him. “Everything I told you… you can’t…”
“It is your past.” He leans down closer, brushing his lips against mine. “Why won’t you focus on your future?”
“Drozass—”
“Let me be your future, I mean.”
My eyes pop open when he seals his words with a kiss, claiming my mouth with the same ferocity he had even before I told him everything. And though my brain screams that this isn’t the right decision, my body will hear nothing of it. I snake my arms around Drozass’ strong, defined shoulders and stand on my tiptoes to deepen the kiss. And Gods, it feels so good.
He knows what I’ve done. The things I’ve done. And he’s still here. Kissing, claiming me and wanting me. It all feels so good.
So why does it feel like it’s not over yet?
Chapter Eight
Drozass
The following planetary rotations fill me with mixed emotions. I’ve managed to keep Arizona from crawling back into her guilt, but I’ve also kept her away from her female companions. I know she thinks about them, but I’m worried that if she sees them, she will regret sharing her past with me. Allowing me to accept that past, and by extension, her. And though I am relieved she has given me a part of herself, she still has not Chosen me as a mate. She says this is something she could never do. She thinks it would not be fair to that female she left behind on the fatherland. I don’t understand, but I must, because otherwise, I fear she will not stay by my side otherwise.
Staring at the back of her head while still lying in bed, I lean over her. “What are you thinking about?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“But I do.” Gently, I seize her shoulder and pull her, so she’s on her other side, facing me. “You miss the other females, yes? The yellow-haired ones? The dirty-faced one?” She smirks. “What? Why do you laugh?”
“The way you categorize them. We’ve been here over a year. Haven’t you bothered learning their names? The yellow-haired ones, as you call them, are Alaska and Dakota. And the dirt-faced one is Kansas. And that isn’t dirt. They’re freckles.” She snickers, and it’s such a beautiful sound that my cock hardens without permission. “You can’t honestly say you don’t know their names.”
“Their names don’t matter to me.”
“Why?”
“Because they’re not my mate.”
She frowns, stiffening. “You know my name. But I’m not your mate.”
I return the frown, barely fighting off my frustration. “I suppose that is true.” I pull her closer, and though she struggles, I make sure she cannot escape. “I must ask you, are we never to speak of Wash-ein-tun again?” Her eyes widen. “Do not think I will ever go back on my word. I only wish to know if the conversation topic is still open between us.”
Her dark eyes dart to the side and then back at me. “I don’t know what else there is to talk about…”
“So, we can speak about it?”
She nods, though she doesn’t quite look sure. I hate how she’s still so uncomfortable speaking about the lost human female. Does she not understand that her past does not matter to me? Does she not realize that fighting to remain unhappy is not the answer? My brother Glykoran did not believe he deserved happiness after the highers killed his mate and sprog, but he managed to get through it with a new mate. Doesn’t Arizona see the connection? We could have that as well. I could help her. Heal her. Give her happiness even if she thinks she does not deserve it. If only she would let me. “Does it make you uncomfortable?”
“Of course it makes me uncomfortable, Drozass,” she says, sitting up in bed with her back to me. She throws her legs over the edge as she shoulders bunch together. “I’m all about protecting my family. That’s who I am. It’s all I am. It’s the only thing I have. I couldn’t even keep it together. I only cared about myself, just like Soothax said I would.” She shakes her head. “I didn’t even get to tell Washington what happened. I don’t know if anyone told her. She probably thinks I didn’t care. She probably thinks I betrayed her. And if by some small chance she’s alive and could see what I’m doing now, I wouldn’t blame her for wanting to kill me.”
“Don’t say that,” I snarl. “You kept your family together because of that sacrifice. And that has nothing to do with what’s happening now.”
“It doesn’t?”
“No,” I hiss. “It doesn’t. Punishing yourself doesn’t change anything. You think I like seeing you punish yourself over things that cannot be changed? Would you want Uh-las-kah to do that? Or Kansas?” I make sure to say the names to prove I have been paying attention. “Don’t you think they think you deserve to be happy? For everything you’ve done for them over the galaxies? Don’t you think they want you to be happy?”
“No,” she grumbles. “I don’t think that.”
Her answer startles me. She’s so wrong. I’ve spoken to some of the other females, and they want Arizona to be happy. They know they can’t keep traveling together for much longer. Aliens don’t like it. They’re looking for ways to break them apart and what happened with Soothax is only the beginning. Ari needs to find safety. Security. She needs to stop working while she can end her career peacefully. The next male who offers may not have as good of intentions as I, but she fights so hard. She is so convinced that she doesn’t deserve anything other than punishment and humiliation. It makes me so frustrated that I curl my hand into a fist.
“You don’t know them,” Arizona says. “Alaska doesn’t care about anything. She’s like a robot. I think she only agreed to come with me because she was too lazy to fight me about it. She agrees to everything I say and does it without complaint.”
“Maybe it’s because she respects you.”
She snorts. “Maybe. Anyway, Dakota is sweet, but I know I’ve all but lost her. She’s happy here. She’s afraid to admit it to me, but she’s happy with Cade. Even if I were to leave, I bet she’d fight to stay here. And Kansas…” she trails off, and I find myself sliding closer to her at the edge of the bed. I itch to touch her skin, but she probably wouldn’t like it. “Kansas will think I’m weak.”
“Weak?” I’m shocked by her concern. “Why would you—”
“I met her when she was convinced she was in love with another alien – an Entla. I saved her, but she doesn’t see it that way. She thinks he loved her. I’m sure she believes that even now. She thinks I’m cold as ice, and she’s waiting for a chance to prove I have feelings too. She knows about Washington, and she would probably hate me for it if she didn’t have such a problem with Washington in the first place. But whatever. She’ll laugh at me if I Choose a mate.”
“Why?” I hiss.
“Because when this all ends, I’ll have nothing but wea
kness. We’ll leave, and you’ll be here, and I’ll be with Kansas who would never let me live this down. She’d be able to say I’m just like everyone else. My strength is all I have left to hold on to, Drozass. My ability to shut off my emotions. I think it’s the only reason she respects me at all. If I give my heart to an alien only to have it pulled out from under me—”
“Who says this has to end?” Unable to control myself any longer, I rise and sit beside her on the bed. She’s trembling, and I wrap an arm around her shoulders. “This doesn’t have to end. I don’t know why you keep saying that. It’s been an Earth year, Arizona. You must come to believe this isn’t going to end. You’re safe. You’re allowed to be happy. You’re allowed to Choose a mate.”
She’s quiet, only shaking her head as though refusing to allow herself to process the words.
“Yes, Ari,” I whisper. “You’re allowed. You’re allowed.”
“No.” She’s all but whimpering. “She’d… she’d never let me live it down.”
“Who cares what she thinks? Especially when it’s not going to happen?”
“It’ll happen. It always happens. Happiness. Comfort. Safety. It’s all only temporary.”
I low hiss escapes my throat without permission, but her words nearly shatter me. Is this how all females live, or is this a human female thing? I don’t know, but it leaves me so angry that I just about have to leave so I can spar one of my brothers to release some frustration.
I cannot stand that this is how she feels.
Happiness is temporary. Comfort is temporary. She doesn’t deserve love.
Arizona’s sadness radiates from her skin like a rotting tarba fruit. It’s awful, and yet, I cannot pull away from her. She needs me. I need to find a way to break through her beliefs. I refuse to think her companions will laugh at her. That is certainly not the indication I received when I spoke with any of them. Do the females on my planet feel the same as Arizona? I know they are not whores, but they don’t have rights. Perhaps the feelings are similar. I feel ashamed not only for my people but my homeworld as I pull the shaky female into my lap.
