by LP Lovell
We’re waved through the gate and out onto the run-down street beyond the confines of the dirty brothel. Everything passes by in a blur; the bright lights of the city as its occupants bathe in debauchery. Hookers stand on street corners wearing almost no clothes. Punters buy drugs from darkened alleyways, and heavily armed tattooed men sip from beer bottles in front of shabby bars. The city is alive and buzzing, continuing on, even as the balance of power subtly shifts at this very moment.
We eventually wind out of the city onto a road I recognize.
“Where are we going?” I ask.
“The boss thinks it’s safe to go home now.”
Home. Such a simple word, but I guess Rafael has been lacking that these past months. Dominges and this war robbed him of it. Of course he would want to go back.
The car rolls to a halt in front of the enormous ten-foot tall metal gates that signal the start of the grounds to Rafael’s mansion. They open and we’re met with another set. It seems he’s been upgrading the security even further. Armed guards flank the car, and Lucas rolls down the window, allowing them to see us. On a stern nod, we’re waved through.
“I feel like a criminal.”
Lucas smiles. “The boss is just paranoid. He trusts very few people, and he’s worried about rats.”
I nod. I know Rafael better than most, and if he’s paranoid, it’s with good reason. I’m not sure if his extra security should make me feel better or worse. The second set of gates open with a groan and we’re allowed through onto the property. The contrast from one side of the gates to the other here always takes my breath away. One side is dusty desert, and on the other, it’s an oasis of green lawns, vibrant roses and the moat that rounds the front of the house. Everything is pristine and perfect, completely untouched by the world outside.
It’s only when I step out of the car and walk up to the front door that I remember the first time I came here. Battered, broken, scared…and Maria was here on this very step, with kind eyes and a warm smile. I didn’t trust her, but it didn’t matter. She was kind to me. Far before even Rafael showed me such warmth. Maria might have been the first person to treat me like a human being since my sister was taken from me.
A wave of sadness hits me like a truck driving into my chest. I choke on the weight of it and throw my hand out against one of the marble pillars to stop myself stumbling. I feel it immediately: her absence. The lack of a mother where there was one, taken for granted and now taken forever. Lucas looks at me, his mouth turned down and his eyes shining with tears. I know he feels it too.
“I haven’t been to the house since she’s been gone.”
“I know.”
“It feels wrong.”
“It is, but you can’t change it, Anna. Only learn to live with it.” I swipe at a stray tear that tracks down my cheek. I barely even knew Maria. But she was like a second mother to the guys. This must have been so hard on them, and on Rafe because he blames himself. And he went through that alone. Without me. All those times he tried to call, and I wouldn’t answer. God, I’m so selfish. “Let’s get some food and go watch a movie,” Lucas says. I numbly follow him into the house that is so familiar to me and yet feels so strange.
He grabs a tub of ice cream from the freezer and two spoons, and we wander down the empty corridors to the home cinema. He picks a movie called Jurassic Park and then we just sit and eat ice cream. It’s so normal it almost feels wrong. My mind is on edge, as though someone is about to jump out from somewhere and shoot at me. That’s been my life for months.
“Where is Una?”
“She’ll be here soon.”
Una will be here. Dominges is dead, and Rafael…well, I don’t even know what we are. Una will be going back to New York, and I know I should go with her, but the thought has my stomach bottoming out. Why is it always so hard?
I wake up at the sound of Lucas choking next to me. The sound cuts off before he starts snoring softly again. The TV screen is black, but emitting enough light to see by. Standing up, I stumble towards the door. The house is quiet, and that immediately has me on edge thinking of the last time I walked out of this room only to be taken by Dominges’ hired men. But Dominges is dead.
Instinctively, I start to search out Rafael. His office door is ajar, but when I pass, I can see that the lights are off. When I reach the bottom of the stairs, I hesitate. I never would have thought twice about walking up here before, but now it feels intrusive because I’m not sure if I’m welcome. Taking a steadying breath, I start up the stairs. I need to talk to him, whether he likes it or not.
I move silently along the corridor until I reach his room. As soon as I open the door, I can hear the shower running. The bathroom door is open just a crack, and steam creeps out.
Crossing the room, I pull open the balcony doors and inhale the scent I’ve missed for months: night jasmine, and the distinctive aromas of the desert: scorched earth and sunshine. I will always associate it with this place, with him, and with my freedom.
I lean on the wide stone balcony ledge and close my eyes, listening to the cicadas chirp happily in the gardens below. Yes, this place is a figurative paradise to me, and I don’t want to leave it. It feels like home in ways that New York never will. But it’s not my home. It’s Rafael’s home. He and I may love each other, but I’m not sure love is enough anymore. I thought it was, perhaps because I’d never felt it. That first sense of it is like a breath of fresh air in a toxic environment. It feels like light and life, and something you can never ever live without again. Love is life-altering. And then you remember that life isn’t fair, and we don’t get to just be blissfully happy.
I sense Rafael behind me long before he speaks. I’m so attuned to him, as though he’s the sun, and I’m just caught in his orbit.
“Your sister is leaving for New York. You should go with her,” he says. For a moment I don’t know what to say.
I finally turn to face him, taking in the sight of him in just a pair of track pants, his massive chest even bigger than I remember. “So that’s it?”
Our eyes lock, and it’s like looking into the deepest recesses of the ocean: dark, cold, and unfathomable. “You’ve made your loyalties very clear.”
“How so?”
“You chose to follow your sister and not tell me what you were doing. In my city. With my enemies. Twice.”
“So it’s you or Una?”
“I asked you to walk away. You wouldn’t.”
“You knew I wanted Dominges!” I shout. “You told me to shoot him yourself.”
His eyes soften, and for the first time since I’ve known him, Rafael looks at me with pity. I hate it. “Yes, but you were once better than that. I hoped you still were.”
“I was weak, Rafael.”
“No, you were strong because somehow you didn’t allow the bitterness and the hate to consume you. Now look at you.”
“I’m still the same person.”
“I thought maybe you were. When you killed that boy, I thought maybe…”
My eyes prickle with tears, and I swallow around the lump in my throat. “I changed to survive.”
“No, Anna. You could have fucking walked away and lived your life. You could have been free of this, but instead, you walked straight into the fire!”
“I had no choice,” I say weakly.
“That’s bullshit.” He turns his back on me, heading towards the bedroom door. He’s walking out. He’s giving up and I panic.
“I had to do it because you left me with nothing else!”
He pauses with his hand on the door handle. “You left me.”
He turns to face me, his face set in a hard mask. “You know why.”
“You broke me where they couldn’t.” I hear his sharp intake of breath, and I know he knows exactly who I’m talking about. Years of rape and abuse didn’t wound me the way his simple rejection did. I lift my gaze to his, and I see the hurt in his eyes. “So I did the only thing I could; I pieced myself back together and mad
e something of myself.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t hate me for surviving.”
He drags a hand down his face. “And what next? When does it stop? Because I know Alexandru and Dominges weren’t enough. I can see it in your eyes.”
He’s right. It doesn’t feel like enough, and I’m not sure what to do about that. “I don’t know.”
He drops his chin to his chest. “This isn’t you. Shooting that boy…” I inwardly flinch. “This revenge path you’re on...I love you too much to watch you do this to yourself. I can’t.”
My heart clenches painfully in my chest. I always knew this was a possibility. I told myself I would walk away when this was done because I didn’t want to need him again. I didn’t want to be weak, but I am weak for him. There’s no denying it. That’s why this hurts so much. We love each other, but the version of me he wants can’t survive his world.
“I understand,” I whisper, moving around him and heading for the door.
He grabs my arm and tugs me back. Our eyes lock, and this painful longing wraps around me until it feels as though I can’t breathe. His eyes drop to my mouth, and then he’s gripping my jaw and slamming his lips over mine. This kiss is sweet torture, and I never want him to let me go, but of course, he does.
“I love you.”
I stroke my fingers over the stubble of his jaw. “I love you too.” I place a gentle kiss against his lips, and it’s then that I taste my tears on my own lips. “But love isn’t enough.” We slowly pull apart, my fingers lingering on his skin until the very last second. And then I yank the door open and bolt from the room.
I thought walking away from him a second time would hurt less, but how can it? He’s a fundamental part of me. I’m just not an essential part of him. I accept every facet of him: the good, the bad, and the monstrous. He can’t do the same for me, and honestly, it breaks my heart.
I rush through the house, seeking out the one place that brought me peace amongst my chaos. Bursting out of the back door, I pass the pool deck and move into the gardens beyond. I’m no longer a young girl in a white dress walking barefoot amongst the roses. I’m now a killer, dressed all in black, disappearing amongst the shadows. I can barely remember that girl, and yet, I feel every bit as fractured and fragile as her. The irony is not lost on me. I finally move past the tall circular hedges that enclose the pond. This place; it’s as though it’s perfectly preserved and untouched. It’s always felt magical to me at nighttime. The glassy surface of the water reflects the orb of the moon perfectly. Little orange goldfish move like ghosts in the night, silent and graceful. Sitting on the edge of the low wall that surrounds the water, I brush my fingertips over the cool liquid. The fish rush over, their little mouths sucking on my fingers. The tranquility of this place seeps into my bones until the crippling pain feels like a dull ache, but it’s the kind of ache you know will never ever truly disappear.
Maybe it never left. Being around Rafael simply masked it long enough to allow me to hope. To hope for a fairytale ending like I used to read in storybooks when I was a little girl. But my life has always been nothing but tragedy. That destiny was never meant for me.
Standing up, I find myself drifting through the gardens, out into the long grass that stretches across the property to the horse paddocks at the furthest reaches. I walk until I reach the fence line, trying to allow the fresh air to cleanse me. I wonder if Sky is still here.
Slipping through the fence, I make my way towards the stables. The floodlights outside the barns light the way, and I cross to the stables, sliding the barn door open and going inside. The scent of sweet meadow hay greets me and I find Sky at the end of the barn in the same stable as before. She immediately pops her head over the door, the brilliant white of her coat standing out in the darkness.
“Hey, you.” I place my hand on her head, and she lowers it, greeting me like a long-lost friend. She quietly consoles me, as though she can sense my pain. I don’t know how long I stay there with her, but I finally move when I hear the low hum of an engine start up just outside the barn. Who would be here at this time of night? I follow the sound to the back of the barn and peer through the gap in the doors. A minibus moves off around the corner of the second barn. Curious, I slip through the gap and walk over to the second barn. I freeze when two armed men whirl to face me, guns raised. They quickly lower them.
“Senorita,” one of them nods at me, and I frown.
“What’s going on here?”
“We are to protect these women. Boss’s orders.” The second says.
Women? I move past them, and neither tries to stop me. When I step inside the barn, it’s carnage. The stables that once housed Rafael’s horses have been converted to a temporary camp of sorts. Each stall has three or four camp beds in it, each housing a girl. A slave.
He’s saving them, all of them. I walk slowly down the barn, glancing through the open doorways at the girls, most of them sleeping. It’s late, and the eerie silence seems so at odds with the sheer volume of people here. I exit the barn at the other end, and for a moment, I just stand there, inhaling the fresh air. He’s saving them, and that makes things just a little bit brighter. My actions may have torn us apart, but they helped these girls. That has to mean something.
Tilting my head back, I look up at the stars scattered across the darkness, and I smile. I remember Rafael once asked me why I like the dark so much. I told him that you can’t see the stars without the dark. Never has that been truer. He’s managed to find some good in the horror of war, a silver lining to our heartbreak, and I can’t help but love him all the more for it.
A movement to my left has me whipping around and reaching for my gun. A girl freezes, her face only just illuminated by the low light cast through the open doors of the barn. I relax and release my gun, holding my hands out to her to show I mean no harm.
“Sorry, you startled me.”
She says nothing for long moments, simply watches me. “I won’t hurt you,” I say.
“I know.” She moves closer, and I can clearly see her long dark hair and her tanned skin. Green eyes watch me carefully from beneath long lashes. She’s beautiful, and I know that beauty will have been her curse in the Sinaloa. There’s a sadness that clings to her, and I know it well.
“What’s your name?” I ask.
“Bella.”
“Bella. I’m Anna.”
“You work for them?” She jerks her chin in the direction of the other end of the barn where the guards stand.
“No. I’m...” What am I? “A friend of Rafael D’Cruze.” She frowns and wraps her arms around herself. “He helped me. Just like he’s helping you.” Her eyes slowly meet mine, and I see the suspicion in them, the utter lack of trust. Sweeping my hair away from my neck, I tilt my head to the side and show her the tattoo just behind my ear. The coiled snake with a slave number imprinted on its scales. “You have nothing to fear. I promise no one will touch you here.”
“Why? Why would he save girls like us?”
“Because he’s a good man,” I say quietly. “One of the best.”
“He’s a cartel boss…”
“I didn’t say he wasn’t a bad man as well. You’ll be fine here, but I have to go,” I whisper, knowing I can’t delay the inevitable for much longer.
“Please don’t,” she says in a rush. “Don’t…don’t leave us with them.” Again, she glances sheepishly towards the guards.
“Have they hurt you?”
She looks at me with sad, resigned eyes. “No, but you know it’s just a matter of time.”
My heart hurts for her, and so without thought, I grab her and pull her into a hug. Slowly, she winds her arms around my back, before her shoulders sag. I can’t explain it, this feeling, this bond, but we are undoubtedly sisters. Bound not in blood, but in suffering and understanding. Me, her, little Zara; all survivors of some of the greatest horrors imaginable. I don’t need to know her because I know her soul. I know what it takes to surv
ive the places we’ve been. When she finally pulls back, she swipes at tears on her face.
“Look, I have to go back to New York with my sister…” She drops her gaze to the ground and nods.
“Of course. I’m sorry.”
“Hold on.” I walk back inside the barn and jog to the other end, approaching the guards. “I need a phone,” I say to one of them. He glances at his friend but doesn’t move. “Just a burner. I know you probably have ten in the car.” I jerk my thumb towards the Hummer parked up a few feet away.
“I’ll have to ask the boss…”
I roll my eyes. “Do you know who I am?”
“Angel De La Muerte,” the other one says. They think I’m Una. I glance down at my black jeans and tank, the two guns fastened to my chest. I guess I do look like her. I’ll take it.
“Don’t make me shoot you,” I say because it’s exactly the kind of arrogant threat my sister would make. The difference being she can back it up.
They glance at each other again, and then one of them walks over to the car. “They say that you can make a shot from over a mile away,” the remaining guard says to me.
I smirk. “They do?”
“That true?”
“Sure. Why not?” I shrug, and he frowns.
His friend comes back and hands me a cheap plastic burner phone. “Thank you.”
I can feel their eyes on me as I walk back down the length of the barn. I find Bella exactly where I left her. I turn on the phone and put my number in it. “Here.” I hand it to her. “My phone number is on that phone. You call me. Anytime. I will pick up. You need me, and I will come back to Mexico for you.”
She frowns. “Why?”
“Because if our roles were reversed, and you had been rescued first, I think you’d do the same for me.”
“Thank you.” She hugs me once more and then slips back inside the barn, clutching the phone as though it’s her most precious possession.
I’ve done all I can here. I trust Rafe to look after these girls, as well as any more he might find. It’s time to rip the scab off. I need to find my sister and go back to New York.
