“What about Carl Booker?”
Meghan, Carl died we don’t need to worry about him anymore.
“Good!”
I will let you get some rest. Feel better! I love you!
“I love you too and thank you!”
I will see you soon.
“Lily Rose you know none of this is your fault, right?”
No, Meghan I don’t believe that at all.
“Well it is not your fault. I love you and we will get through this!”
I love you too Meghan.
I can hear my Mom yelling up the stairs hello Lily Matt is here. Okay Mom, I will be right down. Hi, Matt, how are you?
“I am good I am so happy to see you.”
Mom, Matt and I are going to hang out in my room for a while.
“Okay, Matt are you hungry?”
No thank you Mrs. Flannery.
“Matt you may call me Patricia.”
Thank you for the offer Patricia. Come on Matt lets go to my room and watch a movie.
So, did you get what I asked for?
“Yes, are you sure about this? You have never used drugs in your life.”
Carl, drugged me on many occasions. What did you get?
“I got Oxycontin, Percocet, Vicodin, Ambien, Xanax Bars, Morphine pills, weed and heroin. I am giving you my pipe to smoke your weed with”
Thank you, Matt, let me get you your money. “Lily are you sure about this?”
Matt I already told you I need them to ease my pain. I need to escape.
“Lily be careful with the Xanax it is strong only take a quarter of it at a time.”
Fine I am starting with the Vicodin I am taking two and a quarter of the Xanax. I just want to go to sleep forever so my agony to goes away.
“Lily this is not you, you can get through this without drugs.”
I have to take them I am weak and I am already a slut, so fuck it.
“That is not true.”
I am taking these pills now. Don’t argue with me Matt!
How long does it take them to kick in? “About 15 to 20 minutes.”
Do you want to hang out and watch a movie?
“Yes, Lily I am so sorry for what happened to you. I am so sorry for Zack I miss him so much.”
I miss him too, and I did not get to mourn his death this is not fair. I want my old life back. I want it all back. I am so fucking angry and nobody understands. Why did this all have to happen? I hate my life! I hate me.
“Lily, you will get through this. I am not going to pretend I know what you are going through. I will however listen to you and help you. I will always be there for you no matter what.”
Thank you, Matt! I am starting to feel really good.
“Lily, please be careful with the pills.”
I will I promise. Let’s watch the movie. I have therapy at 3:30 today and then a support group.
“What is the heroin for?”
Don’t worry Matt it is for a special occasion.
“Lily, are you awake? Someone is knocking on your bedroom door.”
Tell them to come in.
“Come in.”
Hey Lily, we wanted to see how you are doing?
“I am fine my loving family; wow you are all at my door? Matt and I are watching a movie.”
Okay lovey we are flying home tomorrow.
“I want to talk to all of you tonight when I get home from my support group.”
Okay we will sit and have a family meeting and a family meal. Grams will make your favorite Chicken Cordon Bleu.
“I love all of you guys.”
We love you to Lily love bug.
Matt do you think they know I am high?
“No, I do not think they know.”
Okay good. Let’s continue the movie, shall we?
“Sounds good to me. Please be careful with the pills. Do not mix them or take a lot of them at once.”
Matt I will be fine.
“I am worried that you are turning to drugs.” I will be fine I will not over use them I promise. Let’s watch the movie.
“Just so you know me bringing you these drugs is a one-time thing. I will never bring you drugs again. I do not want to see you die from an overdose. Your life is already a mess and taking drugs is not going to help.”
Matt you deal to people all the time! You are being a hypocrite right now and you smoke weed.
“You are right I do deal, but I don’t use any of the drugs I deal. I only smoke weed now and then. I am going to stop dealing I want a future. I do not want to wind up in prison for the rest of my life.”
Fine, if you will not sell to me ever again, I will find someone else who will.
“Please don’t talk like that. I am so worried about you. This is not you!”
Matt this is me whether you like it or not. Learn to deal with it I am not the same person you once knew.
Please let’s just watch the movie. I feel high and it feels good. I feel sleepy if I fall asleep please do not leave.
“Okay I will stay.”
I am drowsy, I am trying to stay awake Matt.
“It is alright, take a nap. I will be here when you wake up.”
Hey, Matt is she sleeping?
“Yes Mrs. Flannery.”
Matt, I told you to call me Patricia. “Sorry!” I need to wake her she has an appointment at 3:30 and its 2:30 we need to get going.
“Lily you need to get up we have to leave.” Mom I am sleeping can’t you cancel it?
“No, your appointment is in an hour.”
Fine I am up Matt I will call you later.
“Okay, you will get through this I will help you in every way I can.”
Thanks Matt! Bye Matt!
“Bye Patricia and Lily, I will see myself out.”
Mom I am wearing what I have on.
“That’s fine Lily grab some shoes we need to leave there is intake paperwork that needs to be filled out.” Okay I am ready.
The drive to see my therapist seemed like it took forever. I am not looking forward to this but everyone says she is excellent. I guess we will see. I believe she is going to judge me, and will not understand me at all. What if she thinks I am lying about what happened? What if she does not want to really help me and just wants my parent’s money?
We arrive at the office.
Hi, how are you?
“I am good thank you, how can I help you?”
I have Lily Rose Flannery here to see Dr. Chang.
“I need her to fill out this paperwork and bring back to the desk when she is done.”
Okay thank you. My mom hands me the paperwork and I ask my mom “will you fill this out for me? I will sign everything.”
“Yes, I will fill out the paperwork.”
Lily Rose Flannery?
Yes, right here.
Hi am Dr. Chang please follow me. You may have a seat wherever you like. I specialize in rape trauma, trauma and girls who have been sold as sex slaves. I want you to know that with the right tools and support you can get through this. I am here to listen to you, and to help you. I will not ask you how you are doing.
“Thank Dr. Chang I appreciate that.”
Lily, have you considered journaling? Writing down exactly how you feel?
“No, I have not thought about that.”
I suggest you do it. It can be very therapeutic and you can say things that you cannot tell anyone else.
“I do not know how to cope with the loss of Zack I never got to mourn him. He was killed in front of me, and I was taken and held captive for seven months. I was raped and beaten over and over again. This happened every day I do not know where to begin. I am so pissed off, heartbroken, confused, emotionally drained, angry at the world and I am snapping at my family. I was a virgin before I was taken and some fat old man took that from me. What do I do?”
Lily, these are all normal reactions. You need to mourn Zack; you take it one step at a time. This is not going to be an easy process. You will need
a ton of support. Your family seems very supportive.
“I think they are ashamed of me because of what happened.”
Lily you need to know that is not true, I think you are ashamed and it is not your shame to carry. I want to help you heal and process all of this in a healthy way.
“How do I do that?”
Start by talking, getting into a regular routine, finding hobbies, being present and not denying what happened to you. You need to face this head on and acknowledge it. Do you play any instruments?
“I play piano and I sing but I have not wanted to since I got home.”
When you are ready you should get back into playing. Music soothes the soul. Read books, go out for walks get fresh air and help others.
“I tremble and shake now I never did that before. I always feel choked up like there is something stuck in my throat. I have all these thoughts in my head it is like they are racing. My stomach always hurts it feels like it is churning. My heart is always racing sometimes I feel like it is going to pound right out of my chest. I have panic attacks and I feel like I cannot breathe. I have the worst nightmares and I wake up in a cold sweat.”
Lily, there is no right or wrong way to respond to this. Thinking about it obsessively will overwhelm your nervous system and make it hard to think clearly. Read a book, play your piano, cook, clean or take a walk. Do not ignore your feelings that will only slow your recovery. Those feelings will pass if you acknowledge how you feel. Get back into your routine set time for things to get done. Go back and finish high school, spend time with friends and family go out to dinners.
Don’t watch the news and limit your time with the media. If you talk to them you control the interview. Just avoid the news all together and online. Accept your feelings, all the anger, guilt, shock and loss of sense of security are normal. Do not force the healing process give yourself time to heal. Be prepared for difficult and volatile emotions. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is your feeling without guilt or judgement. Volunteer your time, connect with other who have been through traumatic events. Exercise try yoga, dancing, meditation, get moving if you have no energy. Reach out to your friends and family you do not have to talk about what happened. Reduce your stress by breathing exercises take in breaths focus on breathing in and out. Listen to uplifting music and do activities that you enjoy.
“So, if I start doing all of these things you just told me about, it will help?”
Yes, but it is going to take time and a lot of hard work and commitment on your part. With the right tools you can overcome this and have a normal life again.
“Okay, Dr. Chang you have given me a lot to think about. Thank you!”
Lily, I will see you next week call me if you need to talk about anything. I am on your side and I want to see you get better.
“Thank you Dr. Chang I will see you next week. I am going to a support group next.”
Lily, that is good, you do not need to open up right away my advice sit and listen. Are you scheduled for next week?
“Yes, my Mom booked appointments for the next 4 weeks.”
Alright I will see you next week. “Bye Dr. Chang.” Bye Lily.
I walk into the lobby and see my mother waiting for me.
Are you all done?
“Yes, Mom can we skip group I am mentally exhausted.”
Sure, thing honey.
We begin to drive home and I am feeling numb.
Thank God we are home! I am hungry mom and I want to talk to everyone. Hello family I spoke with Detective Everly and an FBI agent today. They want me to file a suit for restitution and I am going to do it. Mom can explain it to you.
“Lily we are so proud of you.”
I would like to eat and go to bed.
“Grams made dinner it is ready we will all sit down and eat together.”
Okay sounds good to me. Grams, Gramps, Uncle Mike and Aunt Dee thank you for coming out. I am going to miss you when you leave tomorrow.
Wow that was so good Grams.
“Thank you, Lily!” Let’s watch a movie I want to cuddle up with Daddy.
“Okay sure.”
I watch the movie in its entirety and I am snuggling with my Daddy. He strokes my hair the entire time and I missed when he used to do that to me as a child. I begin to cry and become emotionally drained. I excuse myself for the night. I let my family know that I love them all I am going to rest now. They all tell me they love me too and we all hug and say our goodnights. I take 2 Vicodin a quarter of Xanax and an Ambien just so I can sleep and ease my emotional pain. The following morning my family wakes me up to say Goodbye.
10
The Aftermath
After six months of therapy and support groups. After attending narcotics anonymous meetings. I have been thinking a lot. I am burden is not fair to place on my family. I never wanted to be a burden to them. My parents are constantly arguing because of me and my drug use. It is like they have forgotten all about Gabriel. I do not know myself anymore. A year ago, I was a happy teenage girl with her whole life in front of her. I am sick and tired of sharing my story over and over again. It has not changed anything. Everything that happened to me is still there. I am still using drugs pills mainly. I am a waste of life, and I believe I deserved everything that happened to me. I barely talk to my friends, and I am guilty because I am alive and Zack isn’t. How dare those mother fuckers kill him! Who the fuck do they think they are?
Sure, Meghan and I settled on a settlement from Saul Mathis and Terry Gillis of $15 million dollars each. That does not change what happened to me. Saul and Terry only got a sentence of ten years in prison because they turned in other pedophiles. They took a plea deal to save their own asses. The prosecutor says that they will be on the sex offender registry. I know they will go back to their old ways. I don’t think they should be allowed to have computers. They told Meghan, and I that they did not think they were hurting us. They did not see us as real victims because they were watching from their computers. I told them I was a real victim and I was being hurt. I saw no remorse from either one of them.
I made a will and set it up so my brother Gabriel gets all my settlement money when I die. Of course, I added stipulations that he needs to graduate college with a four-year degree before he sees a penny. If he does not graduate than he will get the money when he turns 28. All the voyeurs that Carl knew are all taking plea deals at least it will save Meghan, and I the pain from having to go to court. They will be in prison for a very long time.
Before everything that happened to me, I was a great girl. I was close to my family, and friends. Now I feel like nobody cares about a slut as myself. I will never be the same. My life is completely different now. I hate the same activities I used to do. I do not want to go out and enjoy what I once knew.
My life is no longer worth living. I will not be missed, I tried everything the therapist told me to do. I got hobbies, I made new friends, I exercise, I spend time with family and friends. I play my piano, I sing, I go out and help others. I went back to school, and graduated they actually let me test out. I would have graduated in 2017 anyhow.
I was taken two months before graduation. I have tried the journaling, talking and acknowledging this happened to me. I have acknowledged my feelings, and I have not denied them. Nothing is working I have listened to uplifting music. I act happy around my family, Meghan, James Allard, Brett, Emily Everly and Johnny. They all think I am getting better, and in reality, I am not. Rationally I know they all love me. I get it in my head that they think I am worthless.
I have nightmares of what happened. I had multiple sexually transmitted diseases I. I am HIV positive and I have to take medication the rest of my life. I am angry I take it out on the wrong people. I cannot live like this anymore. I was told talking would help. Talking has not done shit for me! My faith in humanity is lost and I lost the most important person in my life Zack. He did not deserve to die. Why did that scumbag shoot him in the head? Why not let him go? They both had masks on
. Zack could not even see either one of them. He was shot in the back of the head and only a coward would do something so horrific. God, I hate those two pieces of shit.
Trafficking the Disappearance of Lily Rose Flannery: Based on Many True Stories Page 11
