by LM Terry
I don’t want Dylan in here for this. He couldn’t handle seeing the lash marks on my back, how would he handle this? I lie down on the table and focus on the light above me. Then I slowly close my eyes. Mark rattles the tray towards my feet. He understands my silent answer to his question.
“Anna, where are you Anna?” Sarah calls. I push my way through the fog to my friend. She runs up the beach and hugs me tightly against her. “It’s okay, I told you they were coming.”
∞∞∞
Dylan
It’s been three weeks since finding Anna. She still hasn’t spoken a single word, except for when she is sleeping. Then the nightmares take over. She screams, often it’s her safe word, over and over. I saw the video of Brian, whipping her. If the guy wasn’t already dead, I would whip him until every inch of him was covered, then I would let him bleed out.
He kept apologizing to her. Never once did he lighten up or hesitate. She screamed her safe word seventeen times, I counted. She was so out of it I think the word just came to her, she wanted it to stop, not knowing how to make it end. There was no way to stop him. He wasn’t going to until he was done. Twenty bloodletting lashes over her backside. I flex my fists as I reach for my glass and down it, slamming it on the table.
I put Anna in a guest room, not sure if she could handle being in the master bedroom or her old pink room. I wasn’t certain she would want me to stay with her but the first night she clung to me, giving me the answer I had wished for.
I felt awful walking out of that exam room after seeing her back. She didn’t need to see or hear my grief. Liam took my place by her side until I cooled off. It was for the best, after I left she let Mark exam her further, my brave, brave girl. They hurt her. Mark says she will heal. Her bruises and the lash marks have almost faded. I can still spot where every wound on her body was, but to someone who didn’t know where to look they might miss them.
The guys are all here for a meeting of the minds. I am so thankful for my brothers. It has been good to be home.
“So, what are we going to do?” Anthony speaks up first, not shy in the slightest.
“I don’t know,” I reply exasperated. “She follows our directions. She gets up every morning, eats but then it’s back to that damn bed.”
Liam drums his fingers on the table, appearing like he wants to say something.
“What is it Liam?” I ask.
“Ah, I don’t know Dylan.” He runs his hands through his hair and gazes over at his dad. He nods in encouragement to his son. Liam continues, “We have all been tiptoeing around her for the last three weeks, which is fine, she needed to rest. But, she is pretty healed up right now from my understanding?” he looks at Mark.
Mark responds, “Yes, she has improved nicely. I don’t think she will have any permanent scarring, except a little on the inside of her wrists.”
“That is great news. But anyhow, my point is maybe us tip toeing isn’t doing her any favors. Forgive me for being so blunt here Dylan but Anna seemed to respond to your more, how should I say, dominant side,” Liam says. He leans back in his chair and takes a long sip of his drink looking at me like he is hoping I don’t get up and punch him.
I watch as all the guys tense, waiting for my response. They know I will kill anyone that ever hurts her again. But, what he is saying makes sense. I glance at Luis. “So, I assume you both have already discussed this?” I say with my glass in hand pointing my finger between the two.
“Yes, I haven’t been able to get her to respond. She listens politely but only nods or looks away if I ask her questions. She needs to talk Dylan. The longer she lets herself drift the harder it will be for her to function in the real world,” Luis says.
I lean back in my chair and lock my fingers together behind my head. “I don’t know if I can push her, I’m afraid she will break.”
“She is strong she will not break,” Liam says. “I caught her watching you yesterday. I went to her room for a visit. I was talking to her, but she wasn’t there with me. She wasn’t off in the sky either. Her eyes were intent on you. You were by her window planting flowers. Do you remember?”
I nod my head at him. I had taken the afternoon to plant the brightest flowers I could find outside of her bedroom window. She spent hours looking out. I wanted something cheerful for her to stare at. I even added little birdhouses to the mix. I looked up once and caught her staring at me. She gave me a shy smile before she turned away.
“She is in there Dylan. She isn’t as far gone as we all think. She is right on the other side of her silence. I watched her lick her lips when you took your shirt off.” Liam laughs as he relays the events for all of us.
“I had to leave, I felt like I was a third wheel. But, that wouldn’t be the first time, would it Dylan?” He snickers. He isn’t stupid, he knew what was going on in the kitchen at the cabin. I made Anna come while he was watching tv.
“Fuck you,” I say as I chuckle. It’s good to laugh. I haven’t done that in a while. I think about it for a minute, yes, I have let Anna have her peace long enough. The beast has been at bay, if Liam thinks Anna is ready, then I can pull up anchor.
“Okay, but you pricks can’t go around behind my back giving in to her. We all have to be on the same page, you will all follow my lead.” I point to each one of my friends, they all nod in agreement.
“Good, it is settled. Now let’s all have another drink. I think I am going to need it,” I say. I am going to push her. I can’t wait until she finds the courage to come back out and play.
Chapter Thirty-Three
∞∞∞
Anna
After breakfast I walk back to my room. Dining room, bedroom, eat, sleep…my new life. I go down for meals but that is as far as I venture. I spend my days talking to Sarah in my head. It helps keep everything else out. The guys have been very nice, they come and visit me, and they don’t expect me to talk. Sometimes I listen to what they are saying but most of the time I’m with Sarah.
I turn down the hall, my door is closed. Mrs. Cortez must have accidently shut it after she came in to tidy up this morning. She is a chubby woman with a hearty laugh. She bustles around each day speaking half Spanish half English sentences. When the guys upset her, the words literally fly out of her mouth. I don’t understand what she is saying but I like it. She always puts them in their place and it usually ends with them kissing her on the cheek.
I get to my door, it’s locked. I glance around, this is a big house, but this is the room I have been sleeping in. My sanctuary. I jiggle the handle again, it’s fucking locked. I slide to the floor. What do I do now? I could find Mrs. Cortez and ask her to unlock it, that is if I was speaking.
My silence is probably to the point of ridiculous, but I don’t want to talk. If I do, it will make it all real and pull me back to reality. They will ask me questions about what happened. If I speak I will cry, I don’t want to cry. I have this fear of not being able to stop.
I sit there waiting outside the door, reaching up to shake it a few more times, like doing it more than once will magically unlock it. Fuck.
Speak of the devil, here comes Mrs. Cortez now. I wave to her and point to my door knob hoping she will understand my plight.
“Oh, mija, dear, I am sorry, but Mr. Lorenz told me to lock your door and not to unlock it until he tells me to,” she says.
I stand there with my mouth hanging open, he what? I place my hands together as if in prayer, pleading with her.
“I’m sorry mija, Mr. Lorenz is the boss. It is such a beautiful day why don’t you get some fresh air.” She pats my arm as she scoots off.
Why, why would he tell her to lock my door? I stand there waiting for an answer that doesn’t come. Is he angry at me for something? Fuck him, this is my house. I will give him a piece of my mind. I walk down the hall and go straight for my father’s office.
I pause outside and press my ear to the wood, I can hear him and Liam talking. I shove the door open without thinking and push i
nside. I stop with my hands on my hips. Shit, I’m not speaking, fuck, now what, I didn’t think past the stomping in part.
Dylan leans back in his chair and places his feet up on the desk in front of him. Liam quickly retreats to the far side of the room.
“Anna, it’s nice to see you outside of your suite,” Dylan purrs.
I stomp my foot, hoping he can read my body language…fuck you.
“What can I do for you?” He laughs lightly and smiles at me.
What the fuck, where is nice Dylan? The guy who has been giving me my space all the while tending to my every need. I walk over to his desk and hold out my hand out for the keys.
He takes my hand and turns it over placing a kiss on the top. He tilts his head and throws me that smoldering serious look of his.
Flip-flop.
I pull my arm away acting like he just stung me. He smiles and settles back in his chair.
I stalk away, slamming the door behind me. What was that? What should I do? I stand in the hallway and glance each direction not knowing which way to turn. I slump down to the floor, shit.
The door opens and Liam slides down the wall and sits next to me. He tugs something out of his pocket, pulls my hand over to his lap, prys open my fingers and places the object in my palm. He closes my fist around it then stands to walk away.
I peer down and open my hand slowly. It is the heart-shaped rock from the stream at the cabin. The one Liam found the day that Dylan whisked me to San Diego. I run my thumb over it. He said it was a sign that love was in the air. Then magically the helicopter with Dylan in it appeared. I smile remembering how the irony made Liam laugh.
Is this his way of reminding me that Dylan loves me? He says it all the time, he whispers it in the dark at night when I wake up from my nightmares. Or is it a reminder that I am alive and more good times could happen…if I let them.
I get up and walk down the hall to my room, my old room. Of course, this door wouldn’t be locked. I push it open, everything is exactly as I left it. I cover my mouth with the back of my hand to stifle a sob. I reach in and close it. Can’t hide here, maybe I will go outside.
It is a cool morning, Mrs. Cortez is right. It is a beautiful day. I make my way up the hill to my favorite spot on the whole estate, you can see almost everything from there. As I climb I watch the tire swing sway from the tree. When I reach the top of the hill, I nudge the swing gently, Sophia used to push me on it.
From here I can see the main house, a few storage buildings, the lake where Sarah drowned and the little cemetery. I sit down in the grass by the swing and listen to the leaves bristle in the breeze above me. Mrs. Cortez was right, this was what I needed.
My mother always used to shoo me outside, she would say Anna go out and let the wind blow the stink off you. I remember once asking her if I really stunk, and she laughed and told me she meant I had been inside for too long. Yes, I need fresh air, I had probably been inside long enough.
I catch Dylan and Liam walk down by the lake with their fishing poles. Dylan looks up at me several times. I smile, he is checking up on me, they might have planned to fish today but I doubt it. He is always near.
Could it be time to move forward? I want to. I have been thinking about Brian and Addison. I need to help her. I can’t imagine where she is at. It can’t be a good place. The thought of her being with a man like Oliver or Derrick makes my stomach hurt. If I wish to find her that means I will have to talk to the guys about it. Which also means I will have to be honest with them about what happened to me. Am I ready for that?
I haven’t followed my motto as of late. One foot in front of the other hasn’t seemed possible. Maybe it’s time, Dylan has proved he isn’t going anywhere. Today was his way of letting me know he thinks it is time…he pushed me.
When he gave me that look this morning it made my stomach do a somersault, that hasn’t happened in a long while. I feel it again just thinking about him, that bit of coiled excitement in the pit of my tummy.
This is the perfect place for a new beginning, a chance to say goodbye to the past, to bury the hurt and to make a fresh start. I survived, I don’t have to hide anymore. I glance over to where the cemetery lies. It is bigger than when I was little, it also has a new black wrought-iron fence surrounding it. One foot in front of the other, time to put the pieces of my soul back together, to find myself yet again.
I walk down the hill towards the cemetery. I laugh as I notice Liam and Dylan crane their necks to watch me. I love them. I run my hand over the cold iron of the fence and stare at the stones cradled within. I push down on the latch to release the door and step inside, closing it behind me. I used to come here to visit my grandparents with my father, Manuel. They once were the only people I knew here. Now I look around and spot many familiar names.
Oliver did this, I don’t regret once what Dylan did to him. He deserved it. I walk over to where my grandparents are buried. I see a larger stone beside theirs, as I approach the name on it stands out, it’s mine. I wander over to it and run my hand over the letters. Off to the side of my stone is a joint one for my parents. I swallow down the lump in my throat.
I sit on my grave, Sarah’s grave. I should speak to Dylan about getting it changed for her. She deserves her own stone. I need to give her back her name. It is time for me to let her go…to grant her peace.
There are wilted flowers lying on a cement box in front of the grave tied together with a ribbon. I study it. It looks like someone could open the box. I lean over and pick up the flowers laying them off to the side in the grass. The top of the box has a silver plate engraved with the words Letters to Anna.
It is filled with personal messages, I shouldn’t read them, but they are addressed to me aren’t they? I lift off the heavy lid and set it down beside the flowers, peeking in. There are many letters inside, I can tell some are older than others, some have yellowed with time. A more recent looking one is on top. I pluck it out, it is addressed to Sarah. I consider the flowers, this is from the Madronos. I fold it up and place it off to the side. They would visit their daughter, it makes sense. I’m happy that they visited her here.
I pull out a few more. I sift through them, most are from my mom. I read a few. They all tell me about her life, her dreams for me, none indicating that I am alive and not buried here. I guess anyone could have opened it, Oliver could have opened it, I shudder at the thought. I spot one from Sophia, Sophia’s mother and then I find one in the bottom from my dad.
I draw it out and unfold it. I read it several times. He knew he was not my father, the confession in black and white. Oliver and William did not lie, but what they didn’t know was that Manuel had adopted me at birth, it says so in the letter. My heart swells, Manuel was my father, not by blood but he was by all other ways.
Manuel wrote of his love for my mother and I. It describes how he fell in love with me and my blue eyes the minute they placed me in his arms. He told me how he was sorry for not spending enough time with me. How he worked hard to look out for me. How important it was to him to save lives, my mothers included. His work was paramount to him, it made a significant impact and Dylan and the others continue his legacy to this day.
I wish I would have known all this before, but I was young, my parents thought they needed to protect me. Unfortunately, I know all too well why they did what they did. They tried but the ugliness of the world finally caught up. I put Sarah’s letter back in the box and tuck the other letters under my leg. I am keeping them. They are mine after all.
A peace settles over me. The wind whistles in the trees, birds sing. I am alive. I am alive I repeat over and over. I allow my mind to think about all that has happened. I wouldn’t change it, it all brought me back here. Here with Dylan and the others.
If my mother hadn’t hidden me away where would I be? Oliver would have come either way. If I would have been here when the attack came, he would have taken me at eleven years of age. I stop myself, I can’t think beyond that, it wouldn’t have bee
n good.
I stand and gather my letters. I must start somewhere, I can’t do it alone…I don’t have to do it alone. I walk to the house stopping near the lake to wave at Liam and Dylan, giving them a small smile to let them know I am okay. I see Dylan’s shoulders drop as he relaxes. He smiles back.
Liam’s father, Luis, has parked himself outside my window on a bench each morning with a novel, sometimes a newspaper. I appreciate he does this in hope that I will come and talk to him. Today he will get his wish.
Luis smiles warmly at me as I approach. He folds the corner of his page down and closes his book, patting the seat beside him. I accept the offer, looking over at the window to my room, my locked one. No more hiding, Dylan is making sure of that.
He looks so much like Liam. When he grins his eyes crinkle in the corners, he is kind. He told me at lunch one day he had worked with some of the girls that my dad rescued. Most of them went home, a few had no family and nowhere to go so my father took them in until they got on their feet. He also said he helped my mother after they freed her.
Suddenly, I feel a little uncomfortable. I don’t know where to start, what I really want to say. I hand him the letter from my father. He takes it, quietly reading it to himself. “Manuel loved you very much, Anna. Did you doubt this?” he asks.
I shake my head yes still not able to form any words.
“He did, he loved you and your mother more than anything. He was a hard worker, he never stopped. It consumed him almost to a fault, but he saved a lot of lives.” He stares at me, trying to get a read on my thoughts.
“Do you want to talk about what happened to you Anna?” he asks gently.
I shake my head yes, I need to try. It will make it real, but it will also get it out. If I don’t, it will eat me alive. “Yes,” I whisper peering down at my lap.
He places his hand over mine. “That was the first step Anna, it will only get easier from here on out, I promise. What you say to me stops here, I will share none of what you say unless you ask me to.”