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“Sam do you want to play house with me?” Kathy asked.
I loved this memory, it was the first time I ever felt right, and Kathy accepted me for who I was not who she thought I should be.
“Can I be the mommy?” I begged.
“You have to dress like a mommy if you want to be a mommy,” she said.
I smiled I thought she had the prettiest clothes and maybe she would let me wear one of her pretty dresses.
“But I don't have any mommy clothes. Can I wear one of yours?” I asked.
“Sure you have mommy clothes Sam, I'll show you,” she said.
I didn't get to wear one of her beautiful dresses, instead she told me to get the biggest tee shirt I had and she would help me make it pretty. I had one tee shirt that had been washed with something red and was now pink. Mom wanted to throw it away, but I liked it more then any other tee shirt I had. Dad told mom if I wanted to wear it he didn't see why there was any problem since it also gave me more growing room than any of my other tee shirt did.
I came running back in to Kathy with my pink tee shirt in hand. She said I needed to put it on and take off my jeans if I was going to dress like a mommy. I stripped and pulled on the tee shirt and realized it came down to my knees and would work great for a dress. I wondered if it would hide my shorts if I left it untucked and decided I would find out, but not now. Now Kathy was going to help me make it pretty so I could be a mommy, and any worries about what mom would say went straight out the window.
Kathy took one of her scarfs that was big enough to go around my waist and tied it making a belt pulling the top tight and leaving the bottom more like a skirt. She gave me her Barbie shoes. I stood there in her room feelings so pretty, the only thing missing was the make-up that mommies got to wear, and my hair was so short. I hated that mom insisted I had to have short hair. It wasn't fair even dad had longer hair than I did.
Sarah came over with her make-up and said I needed to wear make-up if I hoped to be a mommy, and started putting make-up on me. I sat there feeling like I had just been changed to be who I felt I was, as Sarah finished mom walked in on us. Standing behind mom was dad with the camera.
“What do you kids think you're doing? Samuel you get in that bathroom now and wash that stuff off your face, then get your clothes on.”
I looked at the floor, what had I done wrong? Why was mom so mad? I knew she wasn't mad at Kathy and Sarah, just me, it was always me she was mad at.
Dad helped me wash off the make-up Sarah put on my face, then helped me get dressed finding the jeans I had taken off and helping me pull them up and tuck the tee shirt into them.
“Daddy why is mom so mad at me?” I asked.
“I don't know Sam, I thought you looked really pretty and I did get a few pictures, that I'm sure we'll all enjoy when we're older,” Dad said.
Dad always told me I could be anything I wanted, and all I wanted was to be a girl like Kathy and Sarah, and that was the one thing mom wouldn't let me be.
Everything changed I still wasn't very old so it couldn't have been more than a couple years later.
“The doctors say it's another boy Norman,” Mom said.
“Just what do the doctors know Ellen? Just how much can they tell from those tests they do?” Dad asked.
“You don't want me to have this baby do you? You don't like the fact that your brother is twice the man you ever thought to be,” Mom said, doing her best to make dad feel like less than he was.
“Ellen isn't it bad enough you let them tell us who to sleep with? Do you really like the clothes they want you to wear?” Dad asked.
“Are you telling me you don't? I saw how you paraded around in that little number they gave you to wear last week. Maybe if you didn't enjoy it so much when you're filling in for me while I'm pregnant...” Mom stopped mid sentence as she became aware I was close enough to hear what they were saying.
“What do you want, Sam? You know better than to listen in when your father and I are having an adult discussion,” Mom said.
I looked over at dad and saw how sad he looked. I wanted to run up to him and give him a hug and let him know I wouldn't let anyone, or anything hurt him anymore, but I was just a kid.
“I'll get Sam back in bed, and be right back so we can finish this,” Dad said.
“Just don't take all night Norman, this conversation isn't even close to over yet,” Mom said the anger from seeing me still heavy in her words.
“Why is mom so mad this time? I just wanted a drink,” I said.
“Sam I don't think a drink is a good idea this late. You know you should be in bed fast asleep,” Dad said.
“You didn't tuck me in though. I was waiting and got thirsty,” I said.
“I'm sorry Sam. How about if I tuck you in now?” I hopped in bed and dad tucked the covers around me. “Sleep tight Sam, I love you always.” he gave me a kiss on the cheek and I was gone into dreams before he was out of the door.
“You have a little brother Sam,” Dad said.
I didn't care about having a brother, it wasn't what I had wanted. If anything I wanted another sister.
“Why couldn't it be a sister instead?” I asked.
“Sam I have to go out tonight can you be good for Kathy, or do I need to get someone to baby sit?” Dad asked.
“You won't be home before it's bed time will you?” I asked.
“I'm sorry Sam. I know you like when I tuck you in,” Dad said.
“You could tuck me in when you get back,” I said.
“It will almost be time for you to get up when I get back, but I promise I'll look in on you,” Dad offered in consolation.
I wanted to ask what dad would be wearing, but didn't want him to get mad at me the way mom always did. I knew what he would be wearing when he got home. I knew because every time he had to go out like this he always came back wearing a dress that barely covered his bottom, along with high heels that made him look a lot taller. And there was always the wig and make-up that softened his male features.
The Hidden Rose Page 37
