Racing Christmas

by Shanna Hatfield

  She placed a hand on his arm and pushed the words out past the expanding lump in her throat. “She died, Shaun. Five years ago.”

  “Died?” he asked in a ragged whisper. His face wore a mask of misery. “How?”

  Brylee leaned her head back and took a long breath, knowing if she didn’t tell him everything at once, she wouldn’t be able to get through it. “You have to understand we all adored her, even Mom. Birch absolutely doted on her, acting like she was a special gift meant just for him. Michaela was a happy baby, except when her temper got riled. She wasn’t sickly, laughed easily, and filled the house with so much joy.”

  At Shaun’s pleading look, she took another breath and continued. “Right before Christmas, Birch had a special program at school and we all went. I took that photo of her in the Santa hat as we were getting ready to leave the house. Michaela smiled and cooed and charmed everyone at school. After the program, Birch wanted to show her off to his friends. It wasn’t anyone’s fault she got sick, but kids that age share germs. A few days after Christmas, Michaela woke up sneezing and couldn’t stop. Her nose started to run and then she got fussy, which rarely happened. That night, she ran a fever and the next morning she had a horrible, rattling cough. I took her to the doctor and he admitted her to the hospital with a respiratory infection. Normally, it’s not a serious thing for babies her age, but it just knocked her down so quickly. The doctor tried several treatments, but instead of getting better she kept getting worse. She was in the hospital for a week, and then she was just gone.” Brylee sobbed, relieving the excruciating pain of losing her beloved child. “My baby was gone in a blink and there was nothing I could do to save her or bring her back.”

  “How could you keep this from me, Brylee?” Shaun appeared stunned as he gaped at her. He rose, making his way over to the window she’d stared out earlier. “How did you keep from dying right along with our daughter? I just found out and the pain of it is too much to bear.”

  “There were days I didn’t want to go on. Days I couldn’t force myself out of bed. Days that I needed you so badly, I couldn’t breathe.” Brylee inhaled a tattered breath and released it. She stood and picked up one of the discarded napkins on the table, using it to wipe away her tears. “Birch is the only reason I survived.”

  “Birch?” Shaun glanced over his shoulder in confusion.

  “He blamed himself for Michaela getting sick. In those first days after she died, Birch repeatedly said if he hadn’t brought his friends over to see her, she wouldn’t have gotten sick. The truth is, we wanted someone to blame, even if we never said as much to Birch. Mom and I blamed the doctor, the hospital, and the pharmaceutical companies. If there was someone a finger could be pointed at in blame, we did. Birch was so devastated by her death he missed six weeks of school. One cold February day, I looked around me and realized wallowing in the pain and grief wouldn’t bring back Michaela. All it was doing was destroying what was left of my family, especially Birch. He couldn’t eat or sleep, and moved around like a zombie. For his sake, I had to stop. Dad supported me wholeheartedly and by summer, Birch was mostly back to normal. But anytime anyone mentions Michaela, he gets the most haunted look in his eyes and draws back into a place no one can seem to reach him.”

  Shaun studied her a moment. “The hospital bills were why you were in debt. Is that right?”

  She hated to tell him, but she nodded her head. “Yes. I didn't have much insurance and what I had to pay out of pocket was astronomical. Dad helped me so much with the bills, but that's why, when the barn burned and he had to upgrade the irrigation system, he took out a loan. Every extra penny had already gone to paying off the hospital bills.”

  Brylee brushed away more tears. “We don’t keep photos of Michaela in the house and we never talk about her for Birch’s sake, but she’s always in my heart and my thoughts. I’m sorry, Shaun, more sorry than mere words can express, that I didn’t tell you about her, share her with you. If I’d known you wanted her, wanted to be part of my life, I would never have kept her from you. She was an amazing little sweetheart and I’ll always regret that you didn’t have the opportunity to know your daughter.”

  She walked over to him and settled a hand on his back. He didn’t pull away, but he didn’t turn and take her in his arms to offer the comfort she so badly needed.

  “I knew from the moment I saw you this summer that I had to tell you, but I dreaded it. Perhaps I knew all along it would be the thing that kept us apart. If you think you can someday forgive me, I’ll be waiting for you. No matter what you might be thinking, I do love you, Shaun, with all that I have to give. I’ll always love you, only you. But if you aren’t going to love me in return and move past the mistakes we both made, then let me go.”

  Brylee didn’t wait for him to speak. She turned and fled to her room where she cried until no more tears could be shed.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Numb.

  Shaun felt numb inside.

  Numb from the pain. Numb from the loss. Numb from the devastation of finding out he’d had a daughter then losing her in the same unbelievably excruciating moment.

  He wanted to despise Brylee for what she’d done. She’d kept something from him that he had every right to know. She could have told him back in July when they reconnected, but she hadn’t. She had so many opportunities to tell him the truth, to tell him he was a father, but she’d remained silent until he’d professed his undying love to her.

  It would be so easy to hate her, but he couldn’t. How could he blame Brylee when it was his fault. All his fault.

  If he’d never been such a cowardly idiot and run away from her six years ago, none of this would have happened. If he’d stayed with her, it was possible they would have a happy, bubbly five-year-old daughter they both adored.

  He glanced at the first image of the baby again, cradling his phone on his palm as though he could cradle her. His baby.

  Michaela Jo.

  With the immediate bond of affection from parent to child that defies explanation or reason, he loved the name just like he loved the baby he’d never know.

  Michaela looked so much like Dani did as a baby it was easy to see how he’d mistaken the identity. He thought back to the day Brylee had been at the Circle P with them. She’d been so good with Dani, seemed so attached to her, now he knew why. His niece could easily pass as a sister to his daughter.

  Shaun scrolled through the images, grateful Brylee had taken so many. He stopped when he came across a photo of her standing out in the pasture. The trees framing the image hadn’t quite changed into the vivid colors of fall. Brylee leaned against a wooden fence with Rocket in the background while she glanced down at the blanket-wrapped baby in her arms. Love unlike anything he’d ever seen glowed on her face.

  Brylee looked so beautiful and happy, so content and full of love. And if he’d made one different choice, just one, he could have been beside her, basking in her love, pouring out his own for her and their child.

  A father.

  Shaun could have been a father. He could have bought Michaela her first pony. He could have taught her how to throw a rope or whistle for the dogs. As though he could picture every milestone of her life, he envisioned her first day of school, her first dance, the day she got her driver’s license, and walking her down the aisle at her wedding.

  Overcome with guilt and grief, Shaun sank onto the couch, buried his face in his hands and wept. He hadn’t cried since the day they buried his mother, grandmother, and little sister, but he couldn’t hold back the tears now if he tried.

  Brylee wasn’t to blame for the life-altering mistakes he’d made. She’d been wrong to ask for his forgiveness because he was the one who needed to plead for hers, again. How she must have hurt and grieved, and gone through it all alone while feeling completely unwanted and unloved.

  He jerked when a hand settled on his shoulder. Through the tears clinging to his lashes, he looked up at his dad’s concerned face.

  �
��What in thunderation happened?” Jason asked, sinking down beside Shaun. “I dropped Birch off in Brylee’s room, and she’s sobbing like the world just ended instead of the fact she won the championship title tonight. I thought you were gonna propose?” Jason’s face paled. “Did she turn you down?”

  Shaun took the handkerchief his father held out to him and wiped his face and nose. “She agreed to marry me, but said she had to tell me something first. She indicated I might not want to marry her after I heard what she had to say.”

  “Well, what did she tell you?”

  Shaun didn’t even know where to start, how to begin, so he picked up his phone from where it had fallen on the couch beside him and scrolled back to the first photo of Michaela. He handed the phone to his dad.

  “I don’t remember seeing this photo of Dani. She sure was a cute lil’ bug, though.” Jason glanced from the photo to Shaun. “What’s this got to do with the two of you acting heartbroken, though? It has to be something bad to have you this upset, son.”

  “It is bad. The worst kind of bad,” Shaun said, pointing to the phone Jason still held. “That picture isn't of Dani. That’s my daughter.”

  Jason’s face went from pale to completely white as he gaped at the image of the newborn. “Your what?”

  “Apparently, our wedding night was all it took for Brylee to get pregnant. She had no idea I’d tried to get in touch with her, thanks to her meddling mother. Honestly, I should have tried harder. For all she knew, I wanted nothing to do with her and had truly abandoned her. So she kept the baby a secret.”

  Jason sat up and a smile wreathed his face. “I have another grandbaby? What’s her name? I reckon she’d be about five now, right? Has Brylee been hiding her from you the last few months when you’ve been at their ranch? How could she not tell us about her?”

  Slowly, Shaun shook his head and had to swallow three times to dislodge the emotion threatening to choke him. “The baby would have been five in September. Her name was Michaela Jo.”

  “Would have been? Was?” Jason appeared stricken. “You don’t mean…”

  “She died, Dad. She died right after Christmas when she was three months old.”

  “Died?” Jason rasped, leaning back and clutching a hand to his chest, as though it could lessen the pain.

  “Brylee said she got a respiratory infection and didn’t make it.”

  “Why didn’t Brylee take her to the doctor? Why didn’t…”

  Shaun held up a hand. “She died in the hospital, Dad. Brylee took her the morning after she got sick. In spite of the doctor doing his best to save her, Michaela died. Brylee said it almost killed her, and Birch, too. It seems Birch blamed himself for wanting her to be at a school program where germs always abound. They think that’s where she caught something. According to Brylee, Birch missed weeks of school and it took months for him to get back to normal.”

  “What about Brylee? I know how hard it is to lose a child, to lose someone you love.”

  “She said she wanted to die then, too. Then she lost her Dad on top of everything else.”

  Jason snuffled, looking through the images of Michaela. “She’s sure a sweet little thing. At least you know now why Brylee disappeared from rodeo. She couldn’t have competed while she was expecting then she wouldn’t have wanted to be gone with Michaela to care for.” He glanced over at Shaun as he brushed a lone tear from his weathered cheek. “She still should have told you, let you have the chance to know your baby.”

  “She should have, but I can’t exactly blame her, Dad. She didn’t know I cared. Didn’t know I loved her. I’m as mad at myself as I am her.”

  “Don’t be too hard on either one of you, Shaun. Both of you were young and foolish and made some horrible mistakes. You’re just gonna have to decide if you can forgive each other and move on, or if you’re finally gonna let that girl go.”

  Jason handed Shaun the phone then rose and shuffled to his bedroom like an old, weary man. Like the way Shaun’s soul felt; tired and worn beyond endurance.

  Instead of sleeping, Shaun spent the night alternating between prayers and despair. The next morning, his dad took one look at him and pulled him into a hug, patting his back without saying a word.

  Jason got them both some breakfast and bracing cups of black coffee. Shaun couldn’t eat a bite, but he drank the coffee then silently packed his things and followed his dad outside to hail a cab to take them to the airport. When they landed in Boise several hours later, Shaun still felt as though someone had shoved his emotions through a shredder, leaving them blunt, raw, and frayed.

  “Let’s go home, son,” Jason said as they climbed in the pickup they’d left parked at the airport. Shaun was grateful his dad didn’t ask anything of him. He didn’t think he had enough functioning brain cells left to make the two-hour drive to their ranch.

  An hour out of Boise, snow began to fall. The freeway grew icier the closer they got to Baker City. They both breathed a sigh of relief when they reached their exit. Soon, they pulled up the lane to the ranch. Lisa, Galen, and Pops had decorated the house both inside and out for Christmas, but Shaun barely noticed. He just felt lost and alone, and empty. So empty.

  The only thing that gave him any peace in the following days was holding Dani. He’d clung to her so much, she’d taken a wide berth around him, afraid he wouldn’t let her go.

  With unwavering clarity, Shaun fully understood the breadth and depth of consequences. He and Brylee were drowning in them and the worst part was that he had no idea how to make it better, to fix what was broken. Nights were spent wide-awake, staring at the ceiling and contemplating his future, reliving his past.

  As he forced himself out of bed one morning, he knew he had to forgive Brylee for keeping his daughter a secret and seek her forgiveness for his choices that created the chasm between the two of them in the first place. If he didn’t, the pain of it would consume him.

  No matter how upset he was with her, no matter how bitter he felt that he’d been cheated out of a chance to hold his child and love her as a daddy would, he still loved Brylee. He always would. It was what he intended to do about that love that left him caught between his anger toward her and his soul-deep love for her.

  Since he’d been home, everyone had tiptoed around him like one wrong word would break him. Even little Dani had been subdued by the tension he carried on his shoulders like a self-righteous cloak.

  In need of an escape from his thoughts and the strain he’d inadvertently placed over the entire household, he saddled Lucky and went out to check fences. The day was beautiful with the sun glistening on fields of snow like thousands of diamonds had dropped down from heaven. Overhead, the sky was a vibrant shade of blue. As Lucky meandered through the snow along the fence, Shaun realized Christmas was only a few days away.

  For the sake of his family, especially Dani, he needed to pull himself together. It wasn’t fair to any of them for him to be a wet blanket on the Christmas festivities.

  Shaun finished checking the fence then rode out to the hilltop where he'd always dreamed of building a home. A home he wanted to share with Brylee. He could even picture a red-haired little girl with bright blue eyes helping him build a snowman while Brylee sat on the porch, laughing and sipping hot chocolate. For several minutes, Shaun sat on Lucky just soaking up the sunshine and the quiet of the snow-covered hills around him.

  When his phone buzzed, his first inclination was to ignore it, like he’d ignored most calls for the last week. Determined to do better, he pulled it out of his coat pocket and answered it without glancing at the screen.

  “This is Shaun.”

  “Well, who else would it be, you idiot,” Cooper joked.

  “Hey, man,” Shaun said, genuinely glad to hear from his friend. “Are you and Paige all ready for the holidays?”

  “Yep. The halls are decked and Paige’s sister is here helping her bake cookies today.” Cooper chuckled. “Gramps and I are doing our best to eat them as fast as they com
e out of the oven, but I think we’re falling behind.”

  Shaun smiled for the first time since Brylee had told him about their daughter. He envisioned Cooper and his grandfather harassing the two women as they tried to bake. “Tell Paige I give her permission to take back your Christmas present, then.”

  “Shoot! You know what she got me?”

  “I’m not saying a word,” Shaun said in a teasing tone.

  “Listen, Shaun, I… um… I talked to your dad. He mentioned you’re having a hard time right now. You know if there’s anything I can do, just tell me.”

  “I appreciate that, Cooper. I’ll be okay, eventually.” Shaun realized he would. There might always be a gaping hole in his heart and life from losing his daughter, but he would be okay. He’d learn to live again, no matter how painful the process might be.

  “I know you will be, but just take all the time you need to work through this. Your dad didn’t give me the details and I don’t need them, but if you ever want to talk, I can shut up once in a while and listen.”

  “Thanks, Coop. I really do appreciate the offer.” Shaun released a sigh, released some of the weight that had made his chest feel like one of Kash’s bulls sat on top of it. “So what’s up?”

  “Well, the reason I called your dad is because you haven’t answered your phone lately and someone has been trying to get in touch with you. They finally called me since they know we’re friends.”

  “Who?” Shaun asked, wondering if it was Brylee. Surely, if she wanted to talk to him that badly, she would have just called the house.

  “Will Johnson. You remember him, don’t you?” Cooper asked.

  “Of course. His brother is the one who filled out the annulment or divorce papers or whatever it was when Brylee and I…” Shaun couldn’t force himself to say the rest.

  “Right. Well, he’s been trying to get in touch with you. He finally tracked me down and asked if I’d reach out to you. Will didn’t say what was going on but he said it was a very important matter you needed to know about immediately if not sooner.”