Chapter 3
When I have a major problem to work through, I often talk out loud to Dick, my husband, who has been gone for over thirteen years. I still miss him so much, and at times like this, I talk to him and it doesn’t feel so much like I’m alone. “Well, what am I going to do about this, Dick?” I shoveled some ice cream in my mouth without really tasting it, and continued. “I don’t know what to work on first. Jonathan’s told me he’s gay, and I didn’t know what to say to him about that. It’s not that I haven’t thought he might be, but I didn’t say one word about to him! I know that’s just like me, to go mute at times like this, but it wasn’t fair to him. And Lily practically tried to rape him! Oh, Dick, I have to figure out what to do.”
As so often happened when I spoke to Dick like that, my mind flashed back many years. Dick and I had met in college through a mutual friend, Patrick. Patrick was a drama major, and he was the first person I had ever met who was openly gay. I had never even shared that part of Patrick with Jonathan, although Patrick had stayed in our lives all these years. In college, Dick’s major was accounting and he and Patrick had been floor mates their freshman year. They also were in the same freshman English course, and Patrick had been very willing to help Dick, who wasn’t all that strong in English, in exchange for Dick helping Patrick through his math class. Patrick was also in my Psychology class, and we often worked together in small groups. Sometimes after class, we discussed the lectures or upcoming tests with a few other students. During that first semester, Patrick was in a play at the college. I remember quite a bit of the play, which was called “A Special Way of Talking.” He spoke so enthusiastically about it, and he had invited both Dick and me to attend it, although we didn’t know each other at that time. Coincidentally, we went to the same performance and sat next to each other. Patrick had the lead role in the play, who was an androgynous person, and he was hilarious. Patrick was a handsome guy; in fact, he was very pretty. He had long blonde hair and beautiful, innocent-looking blue eyes. His complexion was impeccable, and I wasn’t sure he ever had to shave. Many of the people in the audience wondered if he was male or female, and the program, by design, didn’t help as it had only listed his first initial, not his first name. Dick and I began a friendly exchange about the androgynous star of the play, but neither of us let on that we knew him. During intermission, we went together to the concession stand and it was then, as we waited for our refreshments, that we discovered we had both come because of Patrick. I felt disappointed about that, because I had found Dick so appealing and handsome, and I immediately assumed that if he was a friend of Patrick’s, then he was gay, too. How wrong I was! And how Dick teased me later on for making such a generalization! Perhaps I should have told Jonathan about that tonight, and I hadn’t...I hadn’t said anything at all. “Dick, I really let our son down, didn’t I?” I said out loud. “So many thoughts were going through my mind that I just followed them, and didn’t say anything to Jonathan. How I wish I had said the right thing…”
Often, when I had a problem and talked to Dick aloud like I was doing tonight, the obvious became clear to me, just as it was right now! I couldn’t wait until Jonathan came home, so we could really talk about this. I would tell him about his dad and me meeting because of Patrick, and I would ask him all the right things. I became consumed with guilt for never having brought it out in the open before. I began to mentally condemn myself; I should have brought the subject up with him before tonight, I should never have waited until he told me. I was anxious for Jonathan to come back home. I had so many questions to ask him. I wondered if he had ever had a special friend, I wondered if his friends knew. As I was thinking all these things, the telephone calls started….
Lily Becker was on the other end of the first call. When I said hello, there was an awkward silence, then she said, “Mara? It’s me, Lily. Is Jonathan at home?” I couldn’t believe she had the audacity to ask for Jonathan! I opened my mouth to tell her exactly that when she continued, “If he is there, just say yes and I’ll call back another time. I’ve done a horrible thing….”
“No, Jonathan isn’t here, Lily, and yes, you have done a horrible thing.” My voice was far from calm, and I was nearly shouting. “He’s eighteen years old, for God’s sake, and you had no right” -
Lily cut into my tirade. “I know, Mara, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what got into me. Well, actually, I do know, but I don’t know how I can ever make this up to Jonathan, and really, I hardly know him. The way I’ve behaved is unforgivable…”
“Lily, I’m not ready to discuss this with you.” I couldn’t believe I was actually telling her how I felt rather than relying on my nature to become mute in the face of a crisis. But this time, fueled by both my self-loathing for failing Jonathan and a mother’s love, I spoke my mind. “I can’t believe what you’ve put Jonathan through today, Lily. There is much more I should say, but I am so upset about it I don’t have the words right now. I will say that hearing you say you’re sorry helps. Give me some time to cool off, and for God’s sake, leave Jonathan alone. I’ll call you when I’m ready to speak to you.” With that, I hung up the phone. I was trembling a bit, but the phone rang again so quickly that I picked it up immediately. “What??” I practically shouted into the phone.
“Mom? Why are you answering that way?” It was Jonathan.
“I’m sorry, honey. It’s just that. …Well, Lily just called and I thought she was calling again. I’m glad you called, Jonathan. What time are you coming home?”
“If you don’t mind, Mom, I’d like to camp out tonight at Janey’s. Actually, there’s a whole group of us going to set up a couple of tents outside….”
I really did mind, because I wanted to talk to him, but I knew if he was asking to stay out, he didn’t want to come home and he didn’t want to talk. So I told him, “Fine, but do you need to come home for some clothes or anything?
“No, if I need anything, Janey’s brother will loan it to me. He’s going to camp out with us, too. I’ll see you tomorrow for dinner, okay?”
I hadn’t had a chance to say any of the things I wanted to say to him, and as soon as I hung up, it wasn’t ten seconds before the phone rang again. I answered it more calmly, and this time it was Patrick, whom I hadn’t heard from in several months.
“Patrick? I was just thinking about you!”
“I just had a sudden urge to talk with you, Mara.” This didn’t surprise me; Patrick often called at just the right time. “Are you all right? Your voice sounds a bit shaky, old girl. And why were you thinking about me, pray tell?”
“Patrick, Jonathan’s just come out.”
“To you?”
“Yes, to me, what a strange thing for you to say, Patrick.” I was silent for a few minutes until it dawned on me what Patrick meant. “Patrick, how long have you known?”
“Now, Mara, wouldn’t you rather talk that over with Jonathan, not me?” Since our introductory psychology class together, Patrick had continued to study it, and had minored in it, along with his fine arts degree in acting. In dealing with others, he used psychology a bit more than I did, and he had a way of trying to get people to talk things through between themselves, rather than get involved. I can’t say his way worked all the time, but it was his way, and I wasn’t surprised when he suggested Jonathan and I talk about it.
“Don’t pull that psychological bullshit with me at a time like this, Patrick. I’m a mess over this, Jonathan has had a horrible time today, and I’ve just been awful about never discussing this with him before today, when I’ve thought it for a while now. How long have you known? Why have we never talked about this before?”
“I can tell you are pretty wired, Mara. I thought you had that saying, ‘Some of my favorite people are gay’? I wouldn’t have thought this would have you so upset…. In any event, yes, I know. I’ve known for about a year now, actually since the last time I was out there. You remember Jonat
han and I went on a few runs together, and the topic came up several times. Finally, he came out and told me, but he made me swear to let him tell you himself. Of course, I would have let that happen any way, but it was important to him to be the one to tell you. I gave him a few website addresses for support. I assured him that you’d handle it just fine, but from your voice right now, it doesn’t sound like you have.”
“So that’s where he found the Internet support from. Really, believe me, Patrick; it’s not hearing him tell me he’s gay that has me so upset. Wait until you hear what he’s been through today. I think I’m handling him coming out fine, although I went mute when he told me, so he can’t begin to know it’s not a big deal for me. We’ve never even talked about you! Suddenly, I feel so inadequate, like such a failure, Patrick! When I tell you what he’s been through today, you won’t believe it. I’m so mad at myself for never trying to broach this subject with him, when I’ve had the feeling for some time now. I’m really glad he had you to tell. Thank you.”
It was nearly two hours later that we finally said good night, after making plans for Patrick to fly out to visit us as soon as possible. Patrick was really wonderfully helpful to me. During our conversation, we talked about so many different things, including my natural concern about AIDS. He assured me that was definitely something he and Jonathan had discussed, and it was part of many of the support websites he had given Jonathan. But before I hung up with Patrick, I blurted out, “Patrick, please don’t be offended by this question. Jonathan’s…Jonathan…” I searched for the right words to ask the question, but couldn’t find them.
“You can ask me anything, Mara. What is it?”
“All right, I will. When Jon was little, he wanted a bike. Remember when he was six?…I gave him Gabby’s. It was pink”
“Old girl, don’t you even go there!” Patrick interrupted me, didn’t let me finish. I thought he might be smiling, but he stayed serious as he said, “You know better than to even think that, Mara. Seriously, when you think about the way they’re designed, I personally never understood why it’s the boys’ bicycles that have the bar and the girls don’t. It seems like it should be the other way around to me. I am sure you agree, and that it only made sense to give him Gabby’s anyway. One thing I don’t want you to do, Mara, is try to figure out the reason or look back on every part of his childhood to try to find a connection. It’s nothing you’ve done; it’s nothing that can be changed. Jonathan is who is he, just the way God made him.”
Trying not feel too silly, I said, “Thanks, Patrick. I’m sorry for even thinking like that. But I can’t promise something else won’t come up.” That made him chuckle and assure me once again that I could ask him anything.
We said goodnight after that. I looked at the clock and was shocked to see that it was already past midnight. I had an 8 a.m. showing the next morning, and I realized that I was mentally and physically exhausted. I went to sleep thanking God for Patrick, and praying for all of us.
Mom, I'm Gay Page 3
