Chapter 9
It was the first time I had spoken to Marshall without Bob present, and I quickly learned that he was a man with an interesting life story. As we toured my home, he told me about his childhood. He had been born in Jamaica, but had moved to the United States when he was in grade school. Now I understood where his slight accent was from. His mother had died shortly after his family came here, and his father had not stayed in his life regularly after that. His mother’s sister, who was married to an African American, took him in. They already had a large family, five children, but they took in Marshall anyway. He missed his mother terribly, but it was a relief not to see his father any more. He had been a very cruel man and Marshall had memories of his violence against his mother.
His uncle was a hard-working man, and while he didn’t have a lot of time for Marshall or his own children, he was kind and encouraging to each of them. Marshall had always done extremely well in school, and he continued to work hard. His uncle told him if he had good enough grades, he would be able to go college, and he wouldn’t have to make a living doing physical work like he did. Marshall got along well enough with his girl cousins, but the boys teased him endlessly about being a bookworm.
Marshall earned excellent grades and a scholarship to college, and he shyly told me it was in college that he had first experienced an intimate relationship. He had realized he was attracted to his own sex in high school, but he never acted on it then. He knew his uncle would never understand, nor would his male cousins, who already gave him a hard time. When his uncle finally found out, just after he graduated, he never spoke to Marshall again. Marshall occasionally saw his aunt and his two female cousins, but because his uncle and male cousins wouldn’t accept him any longer, he slowly lost touch with his family. He shook his head wistfully as he said, “I’m not going to tell you about the day he found out right now, Mara. Maybe some day. But you are probably wondering why I am telling you this story at all.”
“No, it’s been fascinating…” I said honestly. “No one has ever shared coming out with me before, and it means a lot that you have. And there’s something about listening to your lovely accent – it makes hearing your story even more interesting.”
I looked at him, and softly said, “I am so sorry you have lost your family, Marshall. That’s just not fair. And I am so happy that you aren’t angry with me about inviting you tonight.”
“Well, the reason I am telling you all this is because I really understand what you tried to do for your son tonight, by inviting us and showing him you accept him. I never had that. Many gay men never do. He’s very lucky.”
“At this moment, he doesn’t feel that way! He figured out about you and Bob before you even arrived and became quite angry with me – that’s why I invited Lily. I knew if she came, he’d leave. Plus, Patrick showed up and he thought the three of you would be too much for him.” What had I meant by ‘the three of you?’ I wondered if he would take offense, but he didn’t.
“Bob won’t easily handle parts of this evening either – I know that. He will be insulted that we were invited because we are gay. Personally, though, I’m flattered, and I know you tried to do something very special for your son, even though I agree with Patrick that it could have been a disaster. I’ll work on Bob, and he’ll see it that way after a bit.”
“Do you really want to see the upstairs, too? Or were you just making an excuse to get away from the conversation at the table? It sounds like the conversation is pretty congenial now.” We couldn’t really hear the words they were saying, but there were pleasant chuckles and earnest tones.
“Actually, I really do want to see upstairs, although I was just making an excuse to get out away from the table. That Lily – she has lots to work out in her life, doesn’t she?”
“I’ll be honest, Marshall. I really don’t know much about Lily. We’ve been acquaintances for nearly ten years, but I really wouldn’t call her a friend. Her behavior toward my Jon makes me want to hate her, but that’s not really how God wants us to treat others, is it?”
I hesitated, not knowing where to go from that statement, but Marshall easily picked up that thought. “You are right, Mara. We are to reach out to others in love.” The smile on his face, the warmth of his words…My heart swelled with gratitude toward everything. Before I responded, he abruptly changed the subject.
“From what you’ve shown me of this house, I can see it’s much better than any we’ve seen so far…and you know that’s true! Please, show me the rest! I wish Bob was seeing it with me, but it’s good to just leave him on his own for a little while.”
Marshall and I went through the entire house. He was quite taken by Jonathan’s room – made a big deal about his track trophies and medals. He said his room showed a lot of personality and that he couldn’t wait to meet him. Eventually, I had nothing left to show him, and we went back to the dining room. We found Patrick, Lily, and Bob a little on the sloppy side as Patrick had obviously kept the wine glasses full during our absence. Lily was in the worst shape; she was practically crying as she pleaded with both of them to try to make her understand how her ex-husband could have been gay all along without her realizing it. Both of them took the point of view, though, that it wasn’t her ex-husband’s fault, and together, they tried to make her understand how wrong it was that society had tried to make him think he could be straight or should try to act straight when he wasn’t. Marshall and I sat back down at the table, but none of them really acknowledged us.
Then Lily became even more surprising. She started insisting she knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of prejudice, just like gays and lesbians.
“How on earth could you say that?” Bob seemed offended, but this time it was not like his statement about being invited to an all gay night. “What in your life could compare to people turning their back on you when they discover the love of your life is the same sex?”
“I do know what prejudice is like,” Lily repeated. All eyes were on her to explain. She remained silent for a few moments, debating whether to go on. Finally, she blurted out, “I never talk about this…I have been ignoring the truth since I married. But I do know prejudice. You see, I’m black! My father was darker than you, Marshall!”
Her statement was met with total silence. In my mind, I was wondering if the two types of prejudice could be compared, and realized I had no reference point. I really didn’t care what her race was, but that didn’t mean I could understand what she was saying. Patrick was the first to speak, but as soon as he started, Bob chimed in. They both felt the two issues could not compare, but Marshall, who had not said anything to the group since before we left for our house tour, spoke up with conviction.
“I think the lady may know prejudice indeed.” He said it softly, but he looked at her straight in the eyes, as he continued, “I do not know your experiences of prejudice as a black woman, Lily. I have never been taken as anything but a black man, but perhaps that’s not the same experience you’ve had. If you know prejudice because of your race, I cannot comprehend how you could possibly feel the anger you clearly still feel toward your ex-husband because of his sexuality! And if you can really understand this awful thing called prejudice, Lily, how could you have put young Jonathan through such a terrible situation?”
The air in the room became heavy, like humidity just before a summer rain. Although he spoke gently, Marshall’s words were full of challenge. Lily let a tear fall, followed by many more. As she wept, she began confessing her desire to understand herself, change her actions, for both her problems with homosexuality and with her feelings about her race. She finished by asking us all to help her. Each of us tried to offer her solace, but I can’t recall any of our words. I was mainly aware of what a strange path we had all traveled over the past couple of hours, particularly regarding all of our feelings toward Lily Becker. We were all aware of her appalling behavior toward Jonathan, and now we all knew she had tried to fak
e being in a relationship with me and that she had denied her race for years. Even after all of that, Lily then managed to invoke our empathy. She was definitely more complicated than I ever realized.
It didn’t take long for the atmosphere change from accusatory to exchanges of ideas as I watched my guests discuss racial prejudice and discrimination against homosexuality. I listened carefully but as I sat there, I realized I had a lot to learn, and these guests were excellent teachers. They were open and willing to share ideas. I brought out the lemon cake I had bought for dessert, along with some coffee, and I think we all enjoyed the end of my dinner party, although the conversation was unlike any I had been privy to in the past.
When the conversation finally dwindled, Marshall and Bob said it was time to leave. Quite sober, Marshall promised to drive. Bob, who was probably feeling the effects of all the wine, actually gave me a big hug and said he’d enjoyed the evening, even though he had been highly insulted when he found out the reason I’d invited them. Yes, he actually said both things to me. After they left, I gave Lily more coffee as she helped me clean up. As we worked, she talked about all she had dealt with during the evening: her coming on to my son, pretending to be my partner, her problems with her ex, and her feelings of shame that she rarely told people her race. She had a lot on her mind, and she talked a long time with little need or opportunity for me to respond. She apologized for pretending we were a couple, insisting she truly thought it was the way to fit in, and realized now it was just foolish. Patrick joined us for a bit at first, but he was tired and a little drunk, and finally excused himself since he had to drive back to Boston fairly early in the morning. Lily continued talking about what insight she now had into Grant – her ex – after hearing the views of Bob and Patrick. She’d never had such an open exchange about anything, she told me as she continued to put my dining room and kitchen back together. She really was a big help in that role; she worked harder than me. I wasn’t sure I had done the right thing in inviting her tonight but at the moment, it seemed to be helping her more than anything. Between what she had done to my son, and her effort to make us look like a couple, I had a lot of reason to feel offended by Lily Becker. But the evening had turned out all right, and it seemed she had been enlightened by it, I realized as I listened to her chatting on as we worked. Finally, we were done cleaning up, and she had sobered up and was able to drive home. After quite an evening, I was able to go upstairs to bed. I was shocked when I saw the time – 1:30, and relieved as I heard Jonathan come in just before I fell asleep.
Mom, I'm Gay Page 9
