Don’t Let Me Go
A Lesbian Romance
Megan Jeffery
Copyright © 2019 Megan Jeffery
All rights reserved.
CHAPTER LISTING
1
Big City, Big Dreams
1
2
Roommates
33
3
Parties Like These
63
4
Make or Break
103
5
Don’t Let Me Go
143
Don’t Let Me Go
Big City, Big Dreams
July 28th 2014
We did it. We graduated with a bachelor’s degree from NYU, one of the world’s most renown and prestigious universities. Having consistently made the Dean’s list, we were both ecstatic to move on from the chains of consistent deadlines and assignments to the freedom of living in the big city and progressing in our careers. By we, I mean Amy and I.
We met in our final year at an event organised by the philosophy society: a fantastic group which met up every Tuesday evening. We both loved to engage in deep discussion about existential issues and just about anything profound in the realm of critical thinking. Since we were both liberal arts majors, we had a lot in common when it came to academic interest. But there was so much more to Amy than her brains. We had a connection that went far beyond what we knew intellectually and what we talked about. The old cliché of having a sort of spark works perfectly in this narrative because we were constantly on the same page. She filled a void which no friend before her had ever been able to fill. I still remember when we first met - all eyes were fixed to the door as a tall beautiful woman walked through ten minutes late to our first group meeting. She had an alternative fashion style with blue bangs and a grey beanie. Ripped jeans and perfect bad-girl posture.
Her masculinity was extremely attractive in my eyes as it complemented her feminine glory in a radiant way. She sat three seats away from me in our little circle. It took her a good five minutes before she even noticed me but when she did, her smile captivated me.
I bit my lip but did not realise my attraction was in any way romantic. Not at all actually. The nature of our friendship was always platonic, at least before we became roommates where things developed in a complicated and uncanny way, but one thing at a time.
I was single and assumed that I was straight, at the time. I never looked at women in a sexual way. Amy was no exception when we first met but that didn’t mean that I necessarily felt nothing. It was clear that there was indeed something there. My feelings bewildered me. Why was I so drawn to this girl? Throughout the meeting, my eyes would naturally drift towards her and I couldn’t fight it. Like a sweet spot in a light-salted dessert, my soul sought her out and my eyes focused upon her.
I’m sure she felt uncomfortable, or at the very least confused. I mean let’s be honest here: I’m someone she had never met before who was staring at her impulsively. With beady mesmerised eyes, I’m surprised she didn’t walk away or shoot a look of discontent my way. Maybe she thought I was someone who knew her. She must have scrambled through her memories to find me in there somewhere but undoubtedly without any luck. I do wonder what she was thinking about that very first day. Either way, I got very lucky. At the end of the meeting when everyone escaped quickly to catch the subway or to wander the early evening streets of the Big Apple, Amy stood by the door. She almost anticipated that I was going to approach her. I know this because she wasn’t really doing anything. She fiddled with her bag a little, looked around pretending to be looking for something, but all of this was to no particular end.
In retrospect, it’s evident that she expected me to say something. Instead of being brave and polite enough to introduce myself, I tried to walk past her. I was embarrassed. As my fortune goes, I wasn’t able to get past her and millimetres before our shoulders brushed past each other, her eyes met mine. I stood still like a complete idiot. I had no words. My brain was urging me to say something - absolutely anything. But there were no words that made themselves manifest. Amy laughed in a mixture of bemusement and humour. After all, objectively the situation was pretty hilarious. This weirdo who had been staring at her for an hour or so was now seemingly going out of her way to do the same thing again but this time, more directly- to her face.
“You okay? You’re not blinking.” Amy said.
I cleared my throat as I had clogged myself up a bit. “Yeah, yeah everything is fine. I’m so sorry.”
I made my way towards to door keeping my head down.
“Wait a minute.” Amy stopped me. “Do I know you?”
“I don’t think so, why?” I replied with a dry mouth.
“Why?” Amy chuckled. “Dude, you’ve been eyeballing me the whole session.”
“Oh god, I do apologise. My mind has been all over the place lately. If I did that then please know that it was unintentional.”
My back began to sweat and I was itching to leave.
Amy smiled at me and said, “relax, it’s fine. My name is Amy.”
“Daniella.”
“I like that name. I’ve never met a Daniella before.”
“You’re not the first person to tell me that. I’m usually the first Daniella that most people meet. I guess there’s always a lot of pressure on me then.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well I have to wear the name Daniella in a positive way.”
“I still don’t get you.”
“Okay let me give you an example. I used to know someone called Tracy. She was the first and only Tracy that I’d ever met who wasn’t a fictional character on a late night TV show. We hung out, we talked on the phone a lot and got quite close. Then one day, she bad mouths me to a guy I was seeing and he broke up with me. So since she turned out to be a complete b*tch, I now associate the name Tracy with… well b*tches I guess.”
Amy cracked up while breathily saying, “God, I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m also sorry for laughing. Believe me, it’s not at you. It’s just the way you said that.”
I loved Amy’s laugh. It was pure and raw. Full of ejectives, there was nothing fake about it. She just let out her outbursts of amusement. I could tell that she was a real and genuine girl. Something lost among the masses of my generation.
“So you basically are trying to avoid coming across badly so that I don’t think of all future Daniellas as b*tches?” She asked.
“Yep. Pretty much.”
“Well you know being a bitch is a good thing sometimes. Just not in the Tracy kind of way.” Amy teased.
“Who knows, perhaps the Daniella kind of way is more enlightening.” It was at that moment that I realised how weird it is to say your own name out loud as if you’re narrating your own life as it’s happening in the present moment.
“You’re funny.” Amy posited with a cheeky grin.
“So are you.”
We shook hands and I began to feel much more at ease. Looking back, she handled the situation perfectly and in a far more appropriate manner than I would have - had I been in her shoes.
Her hands were so soft but her grip was firm. They were bigger than mine and in the three seconds that our skin touched, I got goosebumps down my left shoulder. The chill was invigorating to the extent that I didn’t want to let her go.
“Anyways, I’m heading to get a slice. You hungry?” She asked.
“Sounds good to me.” I answered.
The connection began then and there. Amy took me to Ben’s Pizzeria which she confessed was her favourite pizza joint. It was right near our campus so we walked there and I learned so much about her that evening. After we had our food, we walked down Waverly Place towards her halls of residence.<
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“So tell me, what do you want to do after you graduate?” I enquired.
“Oof! Isn’t that the question that keeps us all up late at night.”
“Oh sorry, I was just curious.”
“No, it’s all good. I’ve always wanted to be a professional musician but hey, that’s like a one in a million chance.” She said.
“You’re a musician? That’s awesome, what do you play.”
Amy did the air guitar gesture before coming out with the inevitable, “I play guitar. Since I was a young girl, I just wanted to be like Avril Lavigne you know: the next rock star. But in all seriousness, with my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds, I would like to get an office job. It’s not my dream career but it’ll get me on the employment ladder so I can save up for a few years. Maybe then I’ll go into something else. I’m like the wind, I change a lot and have varying interests. How about you?”
“Me? I want to be an author.” I stated.
“You write? That’s so cool, what sort of stuff?”
“Mainly historical fiction. I like to reconstruct stories based on historical figures.”
“Wow, you’ll have to read me a sample sometime.”
“Hah, you got it.”
Amy and I got close pretty darn fast. We were hanging out after class at least three or four times a week and became best friends in no time. We were inseparable. Fast forward a few months to graduation and I was honestly very afraid that after college, we would lose touch. The night after the ceremony, we went to a local bar to celebrate. It was my idea. Celebrations are great and all but I mainly wanted to have a good chat with Amy to know where she was at and what her plans were. I was worried in a way. I really didn’t want to lose her from my life and the God honest truth is that I’d never had such a good friend as her. She was addictive and I couldn’t get enough. I wasn’t prepared to let all the good times slip away and become memories.
We got to the bar at around nine o’clock. The music was loud and the drinks were expensive but I was with Amy, so nothing in my mind could go wrong.
“Well we made it!” I exclaimed.
“Yes we have!” Amy replied taking a sip of her mojito. That was her drink. I swear, I could place a wager that at least sixty to eighty per cent of her blood is mojito.
“You scared?” She continued.
“Scared about what?”
“You kidding? We just finished college, man. We’re out there in the real world now and we got to work our butts off just to survive. I don’t know about you but to me, that’s tricking terrifying.”
“Amy, relax. We’re not homeless. I mean sure, we have to work now and all but it’s a new stage in life. It’s thrilling. It’s exciting. It’s…. god damn terrifying! Jeez, you’re right.”
Amy raised an eyebrow and muttered an “mhm. Told ya.”
“Look, elephant in the room.” I came out with it.
“What?”
“Well we haven’t really spoken about life after university, have we?”
“Is that not what we’re doing now?”
“Yeah, it is I guess. I’m just going to come out and say it.”
Amy waited as I took in a deep breath.
“You’re my best friend Amy, I always want to hang out and I’m scared that now college is over, we won’t…you know…see each other as much, if at all.”
Amy took on a more serious and disheartened expression. “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been thinking the same thing.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. I’ve never had the connection I have with you before. You make me so happy and…” Amy couldn’t finish her sentence and began tearing up.
“Oh for the love of God babe, you’re going to make me cry too.” I couldn’t hold back my own waterworks. We hugged passionately as I felt her head press warmly against my should. There was something that I didn’t fully understand at the time. A spark, a light, a connection. It was a deep feeling that passed the boundaries of mere friendship.
After the moment of soppiness passed and the tears had been wiped dry, I tried to lighten the mood. I asked her, “so Amy, a lot of cute guys here tonight. You fancy talking to them.”
Amy’s response was telling of something which I only found out later. She shrugged and said, “no, not tonight. Not in the mood.”
“Oh okay, you sure?”
Amy replied, “yes.” I’d never seen her so deeply uncomfortable. I assumed she was still upset about our previous conversation but in reality, I was being naive.
“Is everything alright?” I asked to be sure.
“Everything’s just dandy” she answered.
I was about to speak but she interrupted, “well…it’s just…”
“Yeah..?” I made the presumption that there would be more.
“Never mind.” She said bluntly anticlimactically.
“Come on Amy, please tell me. Is it something I said?”
“Seriously Dani, forget about it.”
So I let it go. An awkwardness emerged and I really had nothing to say. I truly do despise those moments in life where you want to come out with words but no words come to mind. Just like when someone asks you what your favourite song is and in that moment, you forget every single song you’ve ever heard.
Thank goodness Amy found some material to speak about as she said, “so going back to what we were talking about earlier about missing each other and not being able to spend much time with each other once all this is said and done and we move on with our lives.”
“Yeah, what about it?” I asked.
“Well… what are your plans?”
“I think I’m going to try and find a job in the city. What about you?”
Amy responded, “I was thinking about moving back to Ohio with my family for a while. I kind of miss my dogs and my siblings. But at the same time, a lot is holding me back.”
I thought for a second. “What’s holding you back? Don’t you miss your parents too?”
“Well that’s just the thing. They’re precisely what I don’t miss!”
She seemed genuinely distraught of a sudden and I was concerned.
“Amy. Honey, you’ve never brought this up.” I compassionately added.
She sighed with slight annoyance. “Yeah.” She huffed. “Well it’s not exactly a nice topic to bring up.”
I placed my hand on her lap. “You know you can tell me anything, right? I’m always going to be here for you.”
I had of course seen Amy upset before but this time was different. She was really cold towards me and I’d not seen her reject my affection before. I sensed the tone and tried to back off.
She said, “I suppose it’s just not something I like to talk about. Can we just drop it?”
“Yes. Yes of course. But…”
“But what?” She snapped.
I moved in closer to look into her eyes as if to assure her that it was me, her best friend that she was talking to. I was under the impression that she was lobbying resentful feelings onto me and all I wanted to do was make her feel comfortable. Her beautiful eyes were watering up and slightly bloodshot.
“Amy, you never answered my question. What are you going to do?”
She finished her drink in one quick motion as if to inebriate herself as much as possible to numb whatever repressed feelings lurked beneath the surface of her regard.
“I’m going to stay. I can’t be dealing with any crap right now. It’ll destroy my mental health.”
“Stay?” I was confused. “Here in the city?”
“Yes, here in the city. Why is that so surprising?”
“I mean I knew there was a chance you wouldn’t be going back home home but I figured that you being you, you’d want to fly your wings elsewhere.” I said.
“Well I sure as hell wanted to but I like the city.” Amy tapped her empty glass on the countertop. This gained the attention of the bartender.
He approached, “you ladies want something else?�
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Amy looked at me as if to seek my permission.
“Go for it. If you want something else” I told her.
Amy raised an eyebrow, “I’ll only order another if you get something as well. I don’t want to be drinking alone.”
I’m not a huge drinker but this conversation sure was deep and I could tell that the alcohol was somewhat going to help Amy relax.
“Sure, I’ll have a cranberry daiquiri and she’ll have a…”
Amy butted in, “mojito please.”
The bartender nodded in acknowledgment of our beverage order.
“Right, where were we?” I asked trying to get back on course with our conversation.
Don't Let Me Go Page 1
