“You mean romantically?” Amy asked requiring specification.
“Yeah.”
“Oof!” Amy let out a massive sigh which was followed by a chuckle.
“What?” I laughed.
“That’s an intense question.” Amy said.
“I’m sorry. I just want to know if I should expect a hoard of guys coming in and out of our apartment every night and then again the following morning.” I teased.
“Believe me, that will not be happening.” Amy was sure.
“It won’t?”
“Nope. Not for me. I think I’ll… take it easy in that regard. At least for a while.” Amy calmly said.
She was very still as if in deep thought. At that moment, I heard Amy’s phone ring.
“Ah shoot, do you mind if I get this? I’ll be just a moment Dani.”
“It’s all you.” I smiled.
“Hello?” Amy answered her phone.
Amy got up and picked her jeans up a bit. I admired her as she walked a few meters away to speak. Her beautiful natural hair flowed in the subtle wind and the grace of her pose stunned me. She was dressed so casually and yet, the silhouette of a goddess was before me. Even heaven would be jealous of such a glorious angel. As silly and sappy as it sounds, I missed her already. She was just here a second ago, we were roommates and yet, I still missed her!
Before long, she returned and while she fiddled around on her phone, she talked to me, “sorry, sorry.”
“Everything alright?” I asked, afraid that it wasn’t my place to query of anything else that might be perceived as too forward or imposing on her privacy.
“Yeah, everything’s fine. That was one of my close friends Carmen. She’s having a party at her new apartment tonight. I literally haven’t spoken to her in so long!” Amy said with pure excitement.
“Cool! Sounds like you’ll have a good time.”
“Don’t you mean we?” Amy said, demonstrating yet again more enthusiasm.
“We?” I was confused.
“I told Carmen about you and how we live together and she invited you to come along. It’ll be fun!”
“Oh I don’t know if…” I started to say.
“Come on Dani! You never want to party! Time to let your hair down. This might be the last chance we really get before we start our jobs.” Amy said.
“You really want me there?” I asked.
“Of course…but I don’t want Dani to be a grumpy grumpess.” Amy said in a silly voice to provoke some joy into my admittedly dull facial expression.
I laughed, “okay, I’ll come, I’ll come.”
“Yay! Woohoo! Roommates out on the town.”
“We don’t have to dress up do we?” I asked.
“Pfft nah! I never do. Carmen is casual too so we can just go as we are. All that really matters is the music, the drinks and having a good time.”
Amy could tell I was a bit unnerved.
“Look, it’ll go really well and you get to meet some of my closest friends.”
“You mean to say that I’m not your closest friend?” I gasped in a hyperbolic fashion to joke around with her.
Amy stuck her tongue out before saying, “you are but you know what I meant.”
I was grouchy and shrugged like a little kid to play along with this weird humorous role-play we had somehow come up with.
“Don’t give me that!” She said.
Tickling me, she laughed and shouted, “cut it out silly! You’re my favourite!”
We both regained normal composure and behaviour and Amy sat down next to me as we originally were positioned.
“What time do we have to be there?” I asked.
“Probably around six.” Amy answered.
“We have time then! Do you want to get a slice?”
“God, yes please! I’d kill for a slice right now.”
“Is there ever a time that you wouldn’t kill for a slice?”
“Hmm…now that you ask me, I’d have to say…no.”
“Sounds about right.” I teasingly responded.
The rest of day went fairly rapidly. After lunch, we wandered around some shops, aimlessly. Joking and laughing, I bonded so deeply with my new roommate. I really loved Amy and she taught me a kind of friendship that I never thought was really possible. In a bizarre way, it reminded me of the connection I had with my ex boyfriend before we became an item. Looking back over our story, I must admit one thing. That afternoon was the first time I began to realise my feelings for Amy were not typical for two girls claiming to just be friends.
In my head, I remember trying to justify it by telling myself that we were just really close or that we were best friends. However, best friends are meant to be like sisters, right? I didn’t perceive Amy as a sister at all. Not in the slightest. Best friends are still ultimately ‘friends’. Friendship has boundaries and yet, every second spent in Amy’s company made me want to break down every single boundary so I could get to her heart. As an alternative, I tried to convince myself that Amy was like family. But at the end of the day, family is family: stoic in nature and relational.
How was I meant to even begin to search myself when I’d never known anything like this? Even as we went home to prepare for the party, I found myself caught in a mental dilemma. My head was pounding like a black puck and my heart was screaming out the words, “I DON’T KNOW”.
One thing I did know was that somewhere along the way, Amy got under my skin. My feelings for her ran deep. There was love there but it was not romance. At least, I didn’t think it was back then. My heart and head were engaged in a raging battle. Like a bag of skittles, every color of emotion poured out and I was tasting a painful dichotomy.
With something that was so new, it seemed like I was subconsciously trying to push it away. Essentially, I was trying to categorise the relationship of Amy and Dani in a comprehensive manner. Pushing her into a friendship box that she didn’t belong in.
If it were a romantic attraction, it would have been so much simpler but I wasn’t sexually attracted to Amy, I thought. She was a friend but on a profound level. I didn’t want to be were her as such but I didn’t only want to be friends. I wished there was something between best friends and romance.
As with every emotional struggle that I had been exposed to before, I pushed it to the back of my mind. I blamed myself for overthinking everything because ‘we were friends and this is how friends show affection.’ Indoctrinating myself like a Pavlovian dog, I memorised this sentence until it became part of my innermost psyche. At the time, I also assured myself that Amy had no strange feelings towards me and that she would be put off by me if she even knew what was going on in the muddled waters of my brain. We were friends. Nothing more and nothing less. I was happy to accept that.
PARTIES LIKE THESE
“You ready Dani?” Amy shouted at me from her bedroom at 5:37 pm.
“Yep!” I replied from the kitchen. I was wearing the identical clothes from earlier that same day but I did put on a bit of mascara and eyeliner. I usually also wear a light layer of foundation but being atrocious at not making it look cake-y, I skipped it and went for simplicity.
As Amy came out of her room, I noticed that she had put a fair bit more effort into her look. She had straightened her hair and went for dramatic but foxy makeup. Dark grey eyeshadow and a purple shirt. She changed her jeans as well. These ones were black with intentional rips.
“How the hell do you own your look so well?” I asked.
“Aww so sweet of you to say!” Amy politely replied with appreciation.
“I mean it honey. I wish I had a style, you know?”
“You have a style!” Amy responded trying to be supportive.
“Oh please. I just throw on whatever but you on the other hand- you’ve got this awesome iconic thing going on. It’s just you. I’d kill to be iconic!” I said.
“What kind of thing have I got?” Amy laughed.
“It’s like emo but more recent.”
>
“Hey! Emo never died man!” She teased.
I laughed along with her.
“Come on, we should get going.” Amy stated while walking past me to pour herself some water in a hurry.
“Where is Carmen’s place anyway?”
I waited for Amy to finish her drink and putting it down, she told me.
“Oh okay! Not too far. We’ll get a cab. Do you have any cash? I think I’m out.” I said.
Amy ruffled through her back pockets. “I have a ten.”
“That’ll cover it, won’t it?”
“Yeah, you’d hope. It’s only seven minutes according to my phone.”
“Seven minutes? You kidding me? Why don’t we walk?” I suggested.
“Not gonna happen girlfriend.” Amy made clear.
I grinned, taking the hint and said, “alright, let’s head out now then. You got the keys?”
“Yeah, but bring yours just in case.” She said.
“In case of what?”
“You never know Dani. Just please take them with you. This place is new and sometimes we misplace things.”
“I think you’ve misplaced your head.” I joked grabbing the keys.
In direct retort to my snide remark, Amy shoved me and then hugged me as recompense. Our banter was second to none. That’s what made being roommates twice as fun.
We arrived at Carmen’s. Amy buzzed and someone (presumably Carmen herself) let us in. We starting walking up the stairs. Her apartment was on the third floor.
“I swear, every apartment in the area looks identical from the outside.” I noticed.
“You won’t be saying that once we’re inside.” Amy said.
“I won’t?”
“No, believe me. Carmen’s place is huge. It was a gift from her parents when she graduated.”
“Lucky her. She has rich parents.”
“Yeah, but she isn’t arrogant about it. You’ll love her.” Amy said.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of this girl, was she at our school?” I asked.
“No, she went to Arizona State but she’s from Queen’s originally. She’s only just got back to New York and she’s always wanted to live in the city.”
“So how do you know her?”
“We met through a mutual friend and only met in person once or twice. She came to the city when I was a freshman. We stayed in touch through social media and used to talk all the time over Skype.”
“I see!”
Lo and behold, we made it and Amy knocked on the door. I was ultra nervous at that moment. As Amy so delicately reminded me earlier, I rarely party and it’s made even more scary when you know nobody there.
“You excited?” Amy asked but I couldn’t answer because Carmen answered the door almost as the breath escaped my lips.
“AMY!” Exclaimed the girl.
“Oh my gosh, hi!” Amy hugged her.
Carmen was a very tall girl and extremely pretty. As the door opened, a gush of loud stereotypical party music was let out.
I wanted to tell Amy how nervous I was but didn’t want her worrying about me. The last thing I wanted to do was spoil her fun. This was about her and her friends. I was just tagging along really.
“How have you been?” Carmen asked Amy.
“I’ll be honest. Really, really great!” Amy answered with keenness.
“Yeah?” Carmen reacted, almost with a hint of surprise as if she wasn’t expecting that response.
“Absolutely” Amy carried on. “I have a wonderful apartment with my best friend.”
When Amy said this, she turned with her hand out to present me to her friend.
“Carmen, I’d like you to meet the girl I’ve been telling you about. This is Daniella.”
“Well it’s certainly a pleasure to you Daniella.” Carmen shook my hand.
“Nice to meet you too and thanks so much for inviting me. You really didn’t have to!” I replied trying my best to be humble.
“Nonsense. After all Amy has told me about you, how could I not invite you. Anyways, what are you two ladies still doing out here? Come in, come in!” Carmen insisted.
She seemed like such a pleasant girl. As Amy and I walked into her massive apartment, I tugged on Amy’s sleeve. She turned to face me.
“You okay babe?” She asked.
“Yeah” I replied with a grin.
This stopped Amy in her tracks.
“Let me get you guys a drink. What are you having?” Carmen interceded as she was in front of us.
“Oh umm. I’ll just have a beer please.” Amy said.
“How about you Daniella?”
“Same for me.” I replied.
Carmen walked off into the kitchen and as she did, a few people distracted her so I assumed that we’d be waiting a little bit for our drinks.
“What is it then?” Amy interrogated.
“Hmm?” I said unsuspectingly.
“You pulled on my sleeve just now?”
“Oh yeah! Right! Carmen just said twice that you’d been telling her all about me?” I said, well and truly pleased.
Amy blushed. “You may have come up.”
I gently pinched her cheek because of how adorable she was being. I didn’t think much more of it but I was absolutely privileged to have been spoken about in a positive light by my bestie.
We walked further into the apartment where there were about twenty other people. Some were clumped into groups of two or three while others were drinking in random locations. The latter were most likely getting very tipsy.
“Do you know any of these other people?” I asked Amy.
“I think I might know one or two.” She said scanning the room for familiar faces. One did prop up. A girl called Sam, and the two started chatting away. I kind of just stood there. After a few seconds, Carmen returned with two bottled beers that had just been cracked open. I had no intention of drinking a lot and I wasn’t sure about Amy’s intentions.
When Carmen departed, Sam joined her.
“I’m so sorry about that darling.” Amy said to me, stroking my arm.
“For what?” I asked.
“I’ve been ignoring you like an idiot and talking to everyone else.”
“Don’t fret! This is your thing, you talk to anyone you want.”
“I don’t want you to feel as though you’re missing out!”
“I’m not!” I said, but Amy wasn’t accepting of that answer and in that moment, she called to someone who was standing next to Carmen’s TV.
“Jacob!” She yelled.
The young guy looked over at us, “Amy! Hi!”
He walked over. This dude was pretty handsome by my standards and he had a big smile. I assumed Amy was quite tight with him.
“I want you to meet my friend and roommate Dani.” She said.
I went in for a hug while he had his hand out. Great first impression. We quickly moved past it though and began talking.
“You two get to know each other.” Amy said with a wink.
I appreciated what she had just done for me but in a way, I didn’t like it. I had grievances with the fact that she had left me with a stranger. My anger wasn’t caused by this seemingly very friendly fella but rather, the reality that Amy had left. It was a combination of jealousy and need. I really wanted her to stay with me. I knew she had all these other friends but I wished I could be by her side.
Subconsciously, one of the primary reasons that I tagged along was to get to know the other sides to Amy’s personality and past. I was looking forward to learning about her from the perspectives of other people that knew her, even if it was several years ago.
Yet there I found myself with a guy who was a hundred times more interested in talking to me than I was with him. Nevertheless, I wanted to be polite so I stood there and listened to him. While I tried my very hardest to fully engage myself in the conversation, my heart wasn’t in it. Instead, I caught myself eye-balling around the room to check where Amy was every few minutes. She was
my only friend and the only girl I knew at that party. In doing this, I noticed that Amy was drinking progressively more and more. In turn, her personality was increasingly outgoing too. She was already on her third beer! I was happy she was having fun but I wished that it was with me instead.
These thoughts seemed awful to me at the time. I didn’t want to be that clingy friend but can you really stop yourself from feeling how you feel? Is there a remedy? I abstained from these thoughts by focusing on Jacob but then another realisation came to mind. I could only recall three occasions in my head of times where I had a drink with Amy. We had spent so much together doing all kinds of nonsense but drinking wasn’t really ever involved - unless it was a special occasion. I’ve never been a big drinker myself but I never explicitly asked Amy if she was. I figured that maybe she was being considerate because she knowingly had always been aware of my alcohol habits, or lack thereof.
Don't Let Me Go Page 3
