When his eyes see us sitting down a smile creeps over his face and pain gripes me for this wasn’t the happy family picnic it looked like.
It was far from it.
It was just a friend’s thing and that embarrassed me even though he didn’t know that. They walked closer to us where the playground was and his little girl slid down and ran to the swings and the boy took off to the slide with the puppy scooped in his arms. He didn’t even come over to see them while his other kids played, no, he just pulled her tighter into him. My heart did more than just break at that moment it fucking exploded for my children as my youngest son got up to go over to his father, I pulled him back into me shaking my head. “Who are those kids with dad, mum?” his voice broke. “It’s, um it’s…” my own voice trailed off as our beautiful little girl cried out, “Daddy, hey daddy.” She speeds towards him I tried to reach out for her, but she was too fast, Garry looked at her running towards him and just turned his back, walking over to push the little girl on the swing. My rage filled my steps as I walked over to my little girl falling to her knees tears rolling down her cheeks. “Daddy!” She cries out as her big brother [RC3]comes over and scoops her up in his arms. “It’s okay we don’t need him Lacey[RC4].” His tone is breaking as he tries to be strong for his sister. Tears roll down my cheeks the chill in the air cooling them to ice as they trail down falling to my chin. I feel Brax next to me, so I reached out for his hand, my body needing his touch, the contact from him to quell the beast inside me as the anger began to take over. I needed him to hold onto me to help with the pain that was jolting through me. Needing his fingers to link with mine and show that we were a solid unit and all the children needed was us even if they didn’t know we were an us. The lie and façade meant more in that instant than reality for me at least. He didn’t though he pulled away from me stopping and shaking his head as my eyes searched his, fear in them, it pained me but gave me the answers that I knew I needed but refused to listen to.
Stepping from his side I scooped my children’s hands into mine and lifted my head high walking past Garry and his new family, a smile placed high on my face we walked from them all Brax and Garry, Sherry and the two kids included in that equation.
***
Pizza and movies with my children that night is blissful. After an afternoon of tears and questions. I gave them the answers not once hiding the truth from them it, was a bitter pill to swallow. I tried to hug their pain from them as I wiped their tears. I promised them that I would never leave, and I would love them enough that they didn’t need the love from a man who could throw them away. That it’s okay to be mad and sad, they don’t have to forgive him yet but it’s okay to later for they are more than him and they have hearts of gold with so much love to give. That they didn’t need to think about adult things just to enjoy being children. They asked me to promise them that I would never make them go to their dad’s, that they didn’t want to see him or even be a part of his new family and I said that was okay, they didn’t have to. So, after a massive bowl of chocolate ice cream and then pizza they were content with that and it warmed my heart it was just us four in this world now and that is okay.
***
Tucking them in and placing small kisses to their sweet heads I vowed to just love them and myself to do what’s best for us as a family. Running around in secret with someone much younger than me was definitely not what was best. He didn’t want to grow up, he doesn’t want the responsibility of three children, me and the baggage that comes with that. He doesn’t want late nights with sick children, hospital visits or parent teacher interviews. He wants the wild sex and fun, the game and chase the both worlds of having cake and eating it too. And I couldn’t be that anymore, I will not be a doormat for any man, even if I loved him more than I ever thought was possible. I can’t do the white lies and searing midnight kisses.
Mind made up.
I will not reach out to him and just see what comes from it.
***
Two days later while I was writing in my new office, I had taken the plunge and decided to make something of all the sweet voices inside my head. I received a text, opening my phone I see that it is from Brax, well surprise, surprise.
Brax- Hey…. have you checked your voicemail babe? I haven’t heard from you.
Odd I thought I hadn’t heard my phone ring nor did I get a text saying I had a voicemail message.
Voicemail message Received yesterday at 2.10AM - Babe, my heart is beating out of control and I can’t deny it anymore. I'm in love with you also, so don’t apologize for falling in love with me baby, honest it’s algoods, we knew this was never going to be just a friend with benefits thing. I just freaked the other day, it’s a lot this us: kids, them, him. They need me to be a dad and I just don’t know if I am ready. I want just you, like I don’t wanna share y____.
Hitting delete on the message not even wanting to listen to the rest I don’t need to. I don’t even bother answering him back. Annoyance rips through me, annoyed at myself for allowing my body to fall for a boy who would never know what it’s like to be a man. I feel so damn fucking foolish.
Taking a deep breath and closing my eyes. My mind runs wild with the thought of, yes this is true, and he made falling in love with him so easy.
My mind plays games one me as I slip back into memories of him and how his hands would slide gently down my arms and to my thighs, how his fingers felt digging into my soft skin. A small teasing smile creeps over my face as goose bumps line my skin. Not the kind you get in the cold, but the kind you get when nothing else matters except right here, right now in this moment. And then all reality slaps me in the face as I open my eyes and I am bought back to the now. My body hums from the intrusion of sensual memories and then saddened at the thought of it, for he fit me so well, like my favorite sweater. I loved him more than all the hoes before and after me. You see when perfect love is imperfect, it’s beautiful but painful.
Some mistakes are just that but then some are fucking beautiful and this one is... it’s raw and beautiful. It’s real and it’s insane.
I had a man who set my fucking soul on fire and made me fall apart. I will now spend the rest of this life thanking him for waking me up and allowing me to see the difference between perfect and imperfect, mistake and promise. I remember one night when he asked me to take off my wedding rings and he would show me just how much he loved me, and those rings are now off and he couldn’t even rise to his promise.
***
It’s been four weeks since Brax sent me that text message and it’s been four weeks of thinking and wishing. My will power wavers at times like tonight while I sit outside and watch the night roll in, the kids are watching a movie and I am having a vodka or four on the deck. I have since taken up smoking, the smell reminds me of him and the taste takes my mind to all the bad intentions we had for each other with each other. I didn’t want him to stop wanting me, but he did. Reality set in a week later when I still hadn’t heard from him and I became a wasted mess on the bathroom floor with drink in hand, for that took the pain away. Washed the shame down into my soul. Bree came and wiped the running mascara from my cheeks and pulled me up, slapping me with the reality that a boy could never have been a man and I was a game. I have to get my shit together and be present for the kids. So, I sucked up the pain and said to my puffy eyed self, ‘That it’s okay, me and our heart will make it through this!’. And I spent the next three weeks throwing us into this new life.
It’s in the dark time hours where the sky is inky black and the white mist of a new day is rising that I am lonely, longing for his touch. I need him, beg for him, as my fingers hover over the call button. He inspired me to love harder, to see past my insecurities and self-hate and body image. He inspired me when I couldn’t inspire myself, he made me feel like someone else, not this washed up ex-housewife. He woke up the devil in me and woke me up to come back to this thing we call life. He laid me down and loved me in the dark, he allowed me to speak my m
ind and be free. He didn’t stop me from being insane and unruly, he nourished my crazy and matched my love with an iron grip. He touched my spirit when he laid down over me, his eyes meeting mine taking my soul in one kiss and replacing my tears with a smile. I loved it when he laid me down and made love to my mind before he even entered my body.
He healed me, god did he heal me, he knows me better than I know myself. He stole me from my thoughts, and he cherished the crazy parts of my brain and took us both on a ride to the heavens with one stolen look, one small grin, one wink.
He doused me with energy and he left his soul inside of me while he took mine and kept it safe; he was the gate keeper of my body. He cooled me down when I was on fire and he calmed me when I was crazy. He used to ring me to tell me he loved me, and he would text to say he missed me.
He wants the freedom, but he says he wants me- so he wants to play but still tap my ass in the dark, in secret at the river on his lunch break or at the rugby field in the bathroom. My loneliness feels like a broken heart beat as the memories of what we had drag me further down into the dark. These memories are so violent they burn my skin.
You see thunder only happens when it's raining boys, they will come, and they will go but I am a woman and I want to stay! I wanted to love him but his love for me isn’t the same.
Heading into my dimly lit kitchen grabbing the bottle of vodka and a four pack of red bull I take then back out to the deck my quite place, my haven. Lighting the few citronella candles that are placed around, I watch as the flame sends a beautiful amber hue to dance around against the inky night surrounding us.
My mind can’t seem to shake him from it as more of him and us assault my mind. Filling the walls of my brain with more doubt as I always find myself wanting, needing, loving, longing for him more than I should, more than he does me. My dreams are full of him, where his are of the next tap, the next chick to suck his dick and the next drunk boys night out. While I sit in the dark a lot of the time in the rain waiting for it to wash away the feelings for him, my love and desire.
Fuck I thought I had got rid of dead weight. My ex was just this way, playing with me, living with him was volatile. Sex with Brax is explosive and he knows I'm hungry for it all the time, that my appetite for him will never quit. He knows he always pulls me back in with his words, charm and sex. His touch makes me weak and it’s fucking with me.
So, I try to drink it away. Drown myself in children’s activities and writing but all my stories are about alpha males that oozes Braxton.
Looking at my phone, as I light another smoke and skull down the rest of my fourth vodka I see Snapchat blinking. As I said he hasn’t reached out to me via text or phone calls but Snapchat? Yes, he likes to torment me with Snapchat stories.
Pouring myself another vodka and pulling my body into the blanket, the cool air kissing my skin, I watch stories of him, of with his mates dancing and drinking singing and smoking. I see the girls fall at him, his hand’s snake around them as they are grinding against him. His eyes burn into mine as the song Gorilla from Bruno Mars blasts out and he sings it into the screen at me. Laughing I just watch him as his fingers snake around her cheeks, squeezes and pulls her in close as he bites her bottom lip. She mewls out and my mind snaps in that moment I snapped and for the first time since this started I actually see it without the love haze, the rose-colored glasses. He says he can't live without me so why isn't he dead yet? Why is he still breathing? Coz he's not here with me as I listen to the kids watch the movie, my skin getting kissed by the evening air as I gulp down my vodka.
Watching his endless Snap stories, I question myself.
So, ask yourself and tell me have you ever wished for anything more than what you were getting?
Did you ever hold your breath and ask yourself to do you deserve better than this?
There was a time when he was in my mind's eye holding his hand out to me. He wanted me, pulled me down into him and he made me wish for endless days and nights.
So, I could just lay with him, holding my breath while my mind danced in the afterglow. Knowing my heart has found what it was missing, young unconditional love.
He made me feel alive, he took me all the way, he pushed me and brought out the other side of me that I actually didn’t think I had. The way he looked at me set fire to my soul, the way he touched me made me want to never leave. He made me want to stay with him and he made me want to push him to stay with me. But he couldn’t, he wouldn’t.
I was so blinded though, I allowed him to have the best of both worlds; his cake and he was eating it. Because life with him was better than life without.
***
The movie finished and I put the kids to bed. Taking a shower, I let the hot water cascade down my body as I ran my hands over my skin, I let my mind roll over the last month of dancing around. I can’t help watching his stories and stalking his Facebook. I have tried so hard to build a life after my husband and the earthquake of destruction he left in his wake.
Pulling a towel around my body I walk into my room and slip my warmed skin into my silk pajamas and robe. Letting my hair fall from the towel, combing my hair with my fingers as I walk from my room into the kitchen, enough vodka for the night I make a coffee and step back out to the deck, the moon is high as night has settled in dark and beautiful. The air out here is the best feeling against my heated skin. I really love being out here, it is my favorite place in the world. My haven, my home, my place in this world. The coffee tickles my nose as I sip the hot liquid down. My phone vibrates in my hands, the caller ID says Brax. Sighing and letting out my breath as I fall softly down into the overly soft outside lounge chair, wrapping a blanket over my feet and placing my coffee on my knee. Swiping the screen, I answer the phone.
“Hello.” My voice soft
“Sup.” He answers cool and confident and slightly slurring.
“What’s up Brax?” I question him. Knowing he’s drunk I have watched him slowly wipe himself out for most of the night.
“I see you watched my Snapchats.” His voice edged with a cockiness that has my blood boiling. He’s rang to just be an asshole. The girls must be gone for him to be wanting to talk to me. His distraction of drinking and sex no longer working.
“You want what?” I snap out to him really not interested in wasting more time with him.
“You.” He slurs into the phone. I choke on my coffee and look down at the phone as I pulled it away from my ear. Yep still reads Brax.
“You’re kidding, right?” I laugh out to his bullshit.
“No Miley, I want you.” Shaking my head. As he falls over the you stuttering.
“No Brax you don’t. You never did. You wanted the game, the illusion, the fun.” Tears prick at my eyes.
“You changed Brax, once you could have me, you changed.” Reality sets in and I know that this is the night I finally say goodbye.
“I didn’t change Miley; I don’t know what you want from me.” He says as the music gets quieter. He’s leaving the club the skank must have been a two-minute wonder.
I shudder at the words leaving his mouth.
“Brax listen and listen like really listen to me. I stopped hassling you, I stopped messaging you about hooking up, I stopped asking to see you, I stopped talking and calling. I stepped into this new phase of life without you, I chose to do it for me and my kids. Not once over the last four weeks have you even tried to call, text or reach out. All you have done is send me Snapchats, what to make me jealous?” Taking a breath, I go to carry on but his voice holts me.
“Did it work?” he asks, and I seethe at that remark.
“Jealous of what Brax? Those little sluts that probs have more STDS than the actual pamphlet on STDs?” laughing out I’m starting to find this comical.
“Whatever.” His voice dripping drunken slurs, his mind can’t even form a sentence.
“You only want me when they don’t.” Taking a sip from my coffee and lighting a smoke my phone pressed into my shoulder
.
“No, not at all.” He’s fighting now trying to reel me back. His mind must be catching up to what’s actually happening.
“You know it is Brax. You only need me or want me when you need something.” Closing my eyes, this is so repetitive it's tiring.
“Babe how can I prove to you that’s not how it is.” He’s begging now and its pathetic reality has set in and he’s lost me.
“Nothing, you have already done enough.” I breathe out ready to end the call.
“Babe, Miley.” I’m quiet on the end of the line just breathing and listening to see what he has to say but nothing comes.
“Brax you know what hurts the most is we almost had it, we were almost there. That’s what hurts the most is being so close; we were so close to having the happy we wanted.” My voice cracking, tears fall down my cheeks looking out up to the sky taking in some deep soul-searching breaths.
“Falling in love was never on the list for me but you Miley, fuck you changed the game.” My eyes fall to my hand and the bare finger where my rings sat, I risked and I loved and I got hurt.
“I gave you my heart Brax and in turn I gave you power, power to ruin me and that you did.” My hands shake as the last few whole pieces of my heart shatter.
“Someone will love you Brax, but that someone can no longer be me.” Closing my eyes my wet lashes touching my cheeks.
“Good Bye Braxton, I will always be thankful for what you taught me.”
With shaking hands, I pull the phone from my ear and hit end.
With that, it’s done, over.
My happy ever after will come, just not right now and I’m okay with that.
The End...
(That’s all folks)
Acknowledgements
To my husband with you by my side I am forever warm, I am always loved, and you always allow me to be me, crazy and all.
God, I love you.
To my children thank you for loving me when I'm knees deep in writing, for allowing me to be your mum and live my dream, which is writing. Your love keeps me going and your fighting makes me pull my hair out!
Unexpected Attention Page 12
