by Anna Todd
Without hesitation, I answer honestly, “That I wouldn’t speak to you again.”
“What?” He steps toward me, and I back away from him.
“If you wouldn’t have apologized, I wouldn’t have anything to say to you.”
He sighs, running his hand over his hair. “I know.”
I can’t stop thinking of what he said: “I didn’t think so, but now that it’s been taken away . . .”
I’m still in shock from it; I’m sure of it. I never expected to hear those words from him. It didn’t seem possible that he would change his mind; then again, true to the dysfunction of our relationship, his mind was only changed after tragedy.
“Come here.” Hardin’s arms open to me, and I hesitate. “Please, let me comfort you the way I should have. Let me talk to you and listen to you. I’m sorry.”
Per usual, I’m stepping into his arms. They feel different now, more solid, more real than before. He tightens his embrace around my body, resting his cheek against the top of my head. His hair, too long on the sides now, tickles my skin, and I feel him place a kiss onto my hair.
“Tell me how you feel about all of this. Tell me everything you haven’t told me about it,” he says, pulling me to sit next to him on the bed. I cross my legs, and he leans his back against the headboard.
I tell him everything. I tell him about my first appointment to get on birth control. I tell him that I have known about the possibility of a problem since before we left for London. His jaw tenses when I tell him that I didn’t want him to know, and his fists clench when I tell him that I was afraid he would be happy. He stays quiet and nods along until I tell him that I was going to keep it from him permanently.
He pulls himself up on his elbows to move closer to me. “Why? Why would you that?”
“I thought you would be happy, and I didn’t want to hear that.” I shrug. “I would have rather kept it to myself than hear how relieved you were about it.”
“If you would have told me before London, things could have gone differently.”
I snap eyes to him. “Yeah—worse, I’m sure.” I hope he isn’t taking this where I think he will; he better not be attempting to blame the mess in London on me.
He seems to be thinking it over before speaking—another improvement on his part. “You’re right. You know you are right.”
“I’m glad I kept it to myself, especially before I knew for sure.”
“I’m glad you told me before anyone else.” His eyes are on mine.
“I told Kim.” I feel slightly guilty that he had assumed he was the first person that I told, but he wasn’t there for me.
Hardin’s brows knit together. “What do you mean, you told Kim? When?”
“I told her it was a possibility a while ago.”
“So Kim knew and I didn’t?”
“Yes.” I nod.
“What about Landon? Does Landon know, too? Karen? Vance?”
“Why would Vance know?” I snap at him. He’s back to being ridiculous.
“Kimberly probably told him. Did you tell Landon, too?”
“No, Hardin. Only Kimberly. I had to tell someone, and I couldn’t depend on you enough to tell you.”
“Ouch.” His tone is harsh and his frown overwhelming.
“It’s true,” I quietly say. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but it’s true. You seem to forget that you didn’t want anything to do with me until my father died.”
chapter fifty-eight
HARDIN
Didn’t want anything to do with her? I’ve loved this girl with every ounce of me for so long. I hate that she feels this way, that she has forgotten how deep my love for her is and has reduced it to this one fuckup of mine. Not that I can blame her. It is my fault that she feels this way. “I always wanted you; you know that. I just couldn’t stop trying to ruin the only good thing in my life, and I’m sorry for that. I know it’s fucked-up that it took me so long, and I hate that it took your dad dying to get my ass in shape, but I’m here now—and I love you more than ever, and I don’t care if we can’t have babies.” Desperate, not liking the look in her eyes, I impulsively add, “Marry me.”
She glares at me. “Hardin, you can’t just throw that around like that—stop saying that!” Her arms cover her chest as if she’s protecting herself from my words.
“Fine, I’ll buy you a ring firs—”
“Hardin,” she warns, lips pressed together in a tight line.
“Fine.” I roll my eyes at her, and I think she wants to slap me. “I am so in love with you,” I promise, and reach for her.
“Yeah, now you are.” She backs away, challenging me.
“I’ve been in love with you for a long time.”
“Sure you have,” Tessa mumbles. How can she be so fucking cute and obnoxious at the same time?
“I loved you even when I was being a dumb-ass in London.”
“You didn’t show it, and it doesn’t matter how much you say it if you don’t remotely show it or make me feel the truth in your words.”
“I know, I was high out of my mind.” I pick at the annoying fraying fabric on my cast. How many more weeks until this thing is off?
“You let her wear your shirt after you had sex with her.” Tessa looks away from me, focusing her eyes on the wall behind me.
What? “What are you talking about?” I gently press my thumb under her chin to force her to look at me.
“That girl, Mark’s sister. Janine, I think I heard someone say?”
I gape. “You think I fucked her? I told you I didn’t. I didn’t touch anyone in London.”
“You say that, and yet you practically waved the condom in front of my face.”
“I didn’t fuck her, Tessa. Look at me.” I try to convince her, but she turns away again. “I know what it looked like . . .”
“It looked like she was wearing your shirt.”
I hate the way Janine looked in my shirt, but she simply wouldn’t shut her damn mouth until I gave it to her.
“I know she was, but I didn’t fuck her. Are you that deluded that you think I would do that?” My heart is racing at the idea that I’ve let her walk around for the last few weeks with this bullshit in her head. I should have realized our previous conversation didn’t end it.
“She was all over you, Hardin—in front of me!”
“She kissed me and tried to blow me, but that’s it.”
Tessa makes a small noise and closes her eyes.
“I didn’t even get hard for her, only for you,” I say to try and explain better, but she shakes her head and holds her hand up for me to stop.
“Stop talking about her, I’ll get sick.” I know she means it.
“I got sick, too. I threw up all over the place after she touched me.”
“You what?” Tessa stares at me.
“I literally vomited, as in I had to run to the bathroom because I got sick from her touching me. I couldn’t bear it.”
“You did?” I wonder if I should be worried about the small smile tugging at the corners of her lips as I tell her about my vomit experience.
“Yes, I did.” I smile at her, trying to lighten the mood. “Don’t look so happy about it,” I say, but if it shifts her mood, I’m all for it.
“Good. I hope you were really sick.” Her smile is full now.
We are the most fucked-up couple.
Fucked-up but perfect, that is.
“I was!” I say, seizing the moment. “So fucking sick. I’m sorry that you thought that this whole time. No wonder you were pissed at me.” It sort of makes sense now; then again, she’s always pissed at me lately. “Now that you know I didn’t fuck around on you”—I raise a sarcastic brow—“will you take me back and let me make an honest woman out of you?”
She cocks her head at me. “You promised you would stop throwing that at me.”
“I didn’t promise. The word promise was never used.”
She’s going to slap me any minute.
&nbs
p; “Are you going to tell anyone else about the baby shit?” I say to change the subject, sort of.
“No.” She pulls her lip between her teeth. “I don’t think so. Not anytime soon.”
“No one has to know until we adopt in a few years. I’m sure there are loads of damn babies waiting for parents to buy them. We will be fine.”
I know she hasn’t accepted my offer of marriage, or even being in a relationship with me, but I hope she doesn’t use this opportunity to remind me of that.
She laughs softly. “Damn babies? Please tell me you don’t think there is a store somewhere downtown where you walk in and purchase a baby?” She lifts her hand to her mouth to stop herself from laughing at me.
“There isn’t?” I joke. “What’s Babies ‘R’ Us, then?”
“Oh my goodness!” She tilts her head back in laughter.
I reach across the small space between us and grab hold of her hand. “If that damn store isn’t full of babies, lined up, ready for purchase, than I’m suing for false advertisement.”
I pull my best smirk out at her, and she sighs, relieved to be laughing. I know this somehow. I know exactly what she’s thinking.
“You need help.” She pulls her hand out of mine and stands.
“Yeah.” I watch her smile fade. “Yeah, I do.”
chapter fifty-nine
HARDIN
You two travel across the state of Washington more than anyone else I know,” Landon says, looking up from the couch in my father’s living room.
After our laughter broke back down into silence, I’d convinced Tessa that we should come back east and hang out with Landon before he leaves for good. I had thought she would immediately be ready for that—she loves hanging out with Landon, after all—but she sat quietly for a few uncomfortable moments before agreeing. I waited on her bed while, for some reason, she packed up basically everything she had, and then I waited in the car as she engaged in far too long of a goodbye to Kimberly and Vance.
I give Landon a flat-eyed stare. “You don’t know many people, so I don’t know how relevant that is,” I tease.
He glances at his mum, sitting on the chair, and I know he wants to say some smart-ass comment to me, and if she weren’t sitting there, he sure as hell would. He’s gotten better at the comebacks lately.
Instead he just rolls his eyes, says, “Ha-ha,” and goes back to the book on his lap.
“I’m glad you guys made it safe. The rain is heavy and only supposed to get worse by the end of the night.” Karen’s voice is soft as she smiles at me, causing me to look away. “Dinner is already in the oven; it will be ready soon.”
“I’m going to change,” Tessa says from behind me. “Thank you for letting me stay here again.” She disappears up the stairs.
I stand at the bottom of the staircase for a few seconds before following her like a puppy. When I enter her room, she’s dressed in only a bra and panties.
“Good timing, self,” I mumble when she looks up at me in the doorway.
She uses her hands to cover her chest, then moves them down to her hips, and I can’t help but smile. “It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?”
“Hush,” she scolds me, and pulls a dry shirt down over her rain-damp hair.
“You know hushing isn’t my strong point.”
“And what is, exactly?” she taunts me, shaking her hips as she pulls a pair of pants up to her stomach. Those pants.
“You haven’t worn those yoga things in a while . . .” I rub the stubble on my jaw and stare at the tight, black material that she seems to be poured into.
“Do not start on these pants.” She waves a sassy finger at me. “You hid them from me; that’s why I haven’t worn them.” She smiles but seems surprised by her easy humor with me. She hardens her stare at me and straightens her back.
“Did not,” I lie, wondering when she found them in our closet at that damn apartment. Looking at her ass in them, I remember why I hid them. “They were in the closet.”
As soon as I say that, images of Tessa scrambling through that closet looking for her pants make me laugh, until I remember something else in there that I didn’t want her to find.
I look at her, searching her face for any indication that my mention of the closet reminds her that she found that damn box.
“What?” she asks, pushing her feet into a pair of pink socks. Hideous, fuzzy things with polka dots covering the top of her feet.
“Nothing,” I lie, shrugging my paranoia off.
“Okay . . .” She wanders off.
I follow her downstairs, again like a puppy, and sit next to her at the massive dining-room table. That S-girl is here again, staring at Landon like he’s some kind of brilliant jewel or something. This clearly qualifies her as a weirdo.
Tessa beams at the woman. “Hey, Sophia.”
Sophia takes her eyes away from Landon only long enough to smile back at Tessa and wave to me.
“Sophia helped with the ham,” Karen exclaims proudly. The large dining table is set with a massive feast, with lit candles and flower arrangements. We make small talk while we wait for Karen and Sophia to cut the ham.
“Mhm, it’s so good. The sauce is really good,” Tessa moans around her fork.
These women and their damn food. “You would think you guys are talking about porn,” I say, much too loud.
Tessa kicks my foot under the table, and Karen covers her mouth and coughs around her mouthful of food. Everyone’s surprised when Sophia laughs. Landon looks uncomfortable, but his expression softens when he notices how hard she’s laughing.
“Who says that?” she giggles.
Landon is pathetically staring at her, and Tessa is smiling now.
“Hardin. Hardin says stuff like that.” Karen smiles, humor in her eyes.
Okay, this is weird.
“You’ll get used to him.” Landon briefly looks at me before focusing back on his new infatuation. “I mean, if you’re around a lot. Not that you will be around a lot.” His cheeks are bright red. “If you wanted to be, I mean. Not that you would want to be.”
“She gets it.” I put him out of his misery, and he looks like he’s going to piss himself.
“I do.” She smiles at Landon, and I swear his face turns from red to purple. Poor thing.
“Sophia, how long are you in town for?” Tessa chimes in, changing the subject in a sweet way to help her friend.
“Only a few more days. I leave to go back to New York this coming Monday. My roommates are dying for me to get back.”
“How many roommates do you have?” Tessa asks.
“Three, all dancers.”
I laugh.
Tessa smiles a forced smile. “Oh, wow.”
“Oh gosh! Ballet dancers, not strippers.” Sarah bursts into laughter, and I join her, only to laugh at Tessa’s relief and embarrassed expression.
Tessa carries most of the conversation, asking random shit about the woman, and I zone them both out, only focusing on the curve of Tessa’s lips as she talks. I love the way she stops every few bites and primly rubs a napkin against her lips, just in case she’s got something on her.
Dinner continues this way until I’m bored, nearly to death, and Landon’s face is only a little red.
“Hardin, have you decided on graduation? I know you declined to walk, but have you given it further thought?” Ken asks while Karen, Tessa, and Sarah clear the table.
“Nope, haven’t changed my mind.” I pick at my teeth with my fingernail. He keeps doing this, bringing this shit up in front of Tessa to bully me into walking across the stuffy auditorium where thousands of people will be crammed into bleachers, sweating profusely and howling like wild animals.
“You haven’t?” Tessa asks. I look back and forth between her and my father. “I thought maybe you would reconsider?” She knows exactly what she’s doing.
Landon is grinning like the asshole he is, and Karen and the S-girl are chatting away in the kitchen.
&n
bsp; “I . . .” I begin. Fucking hell. Tessa’s eyes are hopeful yet edgy, almost daring me to deny the idea. “Yeah, sure, fine. I’ll fucking walk for graduation,” I huff. This is such bullshit.
“Thank you,” Ken says. As I’m about to tell him that he’s fucking welcome, I realize that he’s thanking Tessa, not me.
“You two are so . . .” I begin, but am silenced by the warning in Tessa’s expression. “You two are so wonderful,” I say instead.
You two are conniving little shits, I repeat in my head, over and over, as they share a smug grin.
chapter sixty
TESSA
Every single time Sophia talked about New York during dinner, I began to panic. I’m the one who brought it up, I know. But I was only trying to take the attention away from Landon. I knew he was embarrassed, and I said the first thing that came to my mind. It just so happened to be the one topic that I shouldn’t have mentioned in front of Hardin.
I need to tell him tonight. I’m being a ridiculous, immature coward by keeping this from him. The progress he has made within himself will either help him handle the news well, or he will explode. I never know what to expect from him; it could go either way. But I do know both that I’m not personally responsible for his emotional reactions to things and that I owe it to him to tell him myself.
Leaning against the doorway of the dining room, standing in the hallway, I watch Karen wipe the top of the stove with a wet cloth. Ken has moved to the chair in the living room and is now asleep. Landon and Sophia are sitting at the dining-room table in silence. Landon attempts to sneak a glance at the woman, and when she looks up at him, she catches his eyes on hers and shows him her beautiful smile.
I’m not sure how I feel about this, with him so fresh out of a long-term relationship and already on to someone else. Then again, who am I to have any opinions on the relationships of others? I clearly have no freaking clue how to navigate my own.
From my vantage point here in the passway that connects the living room, dining room, and kitchen, I have the most perfect picture of the people who mean the most to me in the world. This includes the most important, Hardin, who sits quietly on the couch in the living room, staring blankly at the wall.
