by Lost
‘Are you?’ Coco looked at Sophie with renewed respect. ‘That’s brilliant.’
Sophie’s eyes flickered to Raff. Did he think her work was good? He certainly used to. ‘I’m actually more of a photographer these days,’ she said to Coco. ‘But I still paint when I have time.’
‘You must tell me more about this,’ Coco exclaimed excitedly. She straightened in her chair. ‘We must spend some time together. You can tell me all about it: what I need to do, the kind of thing you do. Did you study? Where did you study? Have you brought some of your work with you?’
‘Coco!’ Raff halted her barrage of questions. ‘Take a breath. Give Sophie a chance to think.’
Coco looked contrite and she stuck her bottom lip out. ‘Sorry, Papa. Sorry, Sophie.’ She stood up. ‘But I really would enjoy talking to you if you have some time.’
Sophie caught her breath. How ironic. Raff’s daughter was asking to spend time together, seemingly wanting her advice. When she was actually the reason behind…
‘That would be lovely,’ Sophie said brightly, burying the thought. It wasn’t Coco’s fault – none of it was Coco’s fault. ‘We’ll sort that out.’ Sophie meant it; even if she wasn’t in Paris for long and she found her mum soon, Sophie would spend a bit of time with Coco and give her some advice about her career… if she wanted it.
‘Fantastic,’ Coco said with a wide smile, scooping up her turquoise bag. ‘It was great to meet you, Sophie. Bye, Papa!’ Planting a kiss on Raff’s cheek, Coco cheekily grabbed another macaron and then with a swish of her dark hair, she was gone.
Raff shook his head and turned to Sophie. ‘Don’t worry about the art thing if you don’t have time. Your priority is to find your mum.’
Sophie took off her apron. ‘That’s ok. I’m sure I can spare some time for her, Raff.’ She started to pick up her things. ‘And I don’t even know where to start with mum to be honest.’
‘Yes, I can imagine. Anything I can do to help… ask me anything. Maybe she said something to me that might make sense to you…’ Raff shrugged. ‘I don’t know. But I want to help. In any way I can.’
‘Yes. Yes, I probably will do.’ Sophie decided it was time to leave. ‘Just… later.’
‘Of course.’ Raff nodded. ‘I understand. And thank you for helping me out in here earlier. I really appreciate it.’
Sophie gave him a brief smile. God. How formal they were! How polite. How… awkward. Considering everything they had shared together, everything they had gone through together.
‘No problem,’ she threw back. ‘Any time. Well, while I’m still here anyway.’ She could feel Raff’s eyes on her and it was unbearable. ‘Is it ok if I leave you to it?’ she said. ‘I might get some air. See if I can work out where to start with mum.’
‘Sure.’ Raff looked away and started to tidy up. ‘I can manage here for the rest of the day.’
Sophie walked towards the door.
‘Did you bring your camera?’ Raff asked suddenly. ‘I just wondered.’
She nodded. ‘Yes. I mean… I’m not sure I’ll use it, but my boss at the photographic studio I work at suggested I kill two birds with one stone.’ Sophie raised an eyebrow. ‘But he’s a bit of a sod like that.’
Raff smiled. ‘He probably also knows how good you are. I don’t blame him.’
Sophie felt awkward. She didn’t want to, but Raff had always made her feel that way. Back in the day, it had been that exciting, squirmy, alive kind of discomfort. Today, it was an altogether different kind of discomfort and weirdness.
‘Right. Ok, well I’ll be off then.’ Sophie pulled her jacket on. Leaving Raff in the shop, feeling his eyes burning into her back, she walked out.
Outside, Sophie took in a gulp of fresh air. She wanted to lean against the wall and slide down it, cry into her knees, but she knew she couldn’t do that. She had cried far too many tears over Raff in the last five years, and she wasn’t about to reignite those sad feelings. It was all in the past now. Sophie was in Paris to find her mum and she would just have to deal with the curveball that was Raff being inexplicably right under her nose again.
Raff. Sophie faltered and found herself clutching her chest. She had been so happy… they had been so happy. Sophie had naively imagined that she and Raff would be together for all eternity. She could never have envisaged anything tearing them apart. Until Sophie had found out about Coco.
Supressing a rush of emotion, Sophie started walking. Marching, in fact. She marched hard until she reached the Gare de l’Est. Hesitating, Sophie paused to take it in. Officially, Paris-Est, it was one of the six large SNCF termini in Paris. It faced the Boulevard de Strasbourg and it was one of the largest and oldest railway stations in Paris. Its entrance was vast and impressive and Sophie couldn’t help pulling out her camera and taking a few shots. Strolling further, she came across the Gare du Nord and she took some more photos. She wasn’t sure they were the kind of photos Pinter would want in an exhibition, but she didn’t really care. It was like a rite of passage, rediscovering Paris, after so long. Like… coming home, but seeing it through new eyes again.
Realising she would end up in the La Chapelle, in the 18th arrondissement if she carried on walking, Sophie slowed down. Slumping onto a bench near the Gare de Magenta, she caught her breath. There were so many childhood memories here… so many memories of Raff.
Her phone rang and she took it out of her bag. It was Ryan. Sophie hesitated. She could do without another shouty phone call from a Dubai buffet that sounded as though Ryan was partying hard. It rang and rang and Sophie finally answered it.
‘Soph.’
He sounded calm and sober.
‘Hey.’
‘You ok?’
Sophie sat back. ‘Yes, I think so.’
‘What’s up?’
Ryan sounded concerned and Sophie came slightly undone. She couldn’t handle anyone being nice to her right now. It had been bad enough when Raff had sounded all anxious and caring. But somehow, this seemed to be the right moment for Ryan to call.
‘Just… I don’t know where to start with my mum,’ Sophie mumbled.
‘God, yes. It must be a nightmare for you. Sorry, Soph.’
She felt tears pricking her eyelids. ‘It’s ok. I just want to find her.’
‘Of course.’ Ryan made a sympathetic sound. ‘I probably shouldn’t say this, but I do miss you Sophie. I really do’
Sophie wasn’t sure how that made her feel. Confused, that was for sure. But… good, perhaps? Good that he missed her. She was only human. And she felt so alone right now. No Ryan, no mum. And Raff, right here, in her face. Coco, too.
Sophie felt like crying all over again.
‘What can I do to help?’ Ryan said, sounding worried. ‘I want to help, Soph. I could send you some money over if you need it? Hire a private investigator to help you track her down? There must be someone amazing in Paris we could enlist… whatever you need, it’s yours.’
Sophie fell silent. That was the thing about Ryan. He had always made her feel so safe. So well looked-after. He was so practical and maybe that was what she needed right now.
For the first time in the last few weeks, Sophie wondered if she and Ryan might be able to make it back from this enforced separation. If it was maybe just a necessary rite of passage they needed to go through to find one another again. Or maybe she was just feeling vulnerable because Raff was back on the scene.
‘Right. Listen, I have to go,’ Sophie said, feeling that it was time to end the call. ‘Thanks for your support. I’ll keep you posted.’
‘Ok,’ Ryan sounded disappointed. ‘Yes, stay in touch, Soph. I really hope your mum is ok. I meant it about the private investigator and the money, Sophie. Whatever you need. I… still love you and I honestly do miss you.’
Sophie rang off, not sure what to think. Her head felt as though it could explode thinking about Ryan and Raff and Coco and everything else. When really, her focus should be her mum. Finding her mum.
Mum, wher
e on earth are you? Sophie thought desperately. Why on earth have you disappeared like this? Sophie felt nauseous. She had no idea where to even begin searching, and Paris was a huge place. Was Mariele still even in Paris? How was Sophie to know if she had hopped onto a plane and gone somewhere else?
The magnitude of her task dawned on Sophie as she watched tourists and Paris-dwellers walking in different directions. Where on earth did someone start looking for a missing person in a city of this size?
Chapter Eight
The following morning, Sophie woke up feeling groggy and exhausted. She hadn’t slept well and had spent all night tossing and turning, feeling anxious about her mum. And Raff. And Ryan. God, this was all too much to think about. So many conflicting thoughts. It was difficult to make sense of it all.
Sophie stretched and sat up in bed. She had no idea where her phone was; she had a feeling she had left it downstairs somewhere. Sophie wasn’t sure she wanted it near her in case Ryan had phoned again. She just wasn’t in the mood to talk to him right now. All that ‘I’m missing you’ nonsense. What was all that about? What was she supposed to think? It was messing with her head and Sophie needed to maintain a clear mind. The engagement hadn’t happened and their relationship was in limbo. Remembering how kind and practical Ryan had been on the phone the day before, Sophie felt flummoxed all over again.
Sophie pulled herself out of bed and had a quick shower. Throwing on a short red dress and grabbing a jacket, she headed downstairs. The cottage was in darkness, calm and quiet, but there was a buzz of low-level noise and activity coming from the macaron shop. Wandering into the kitchen, Sophie felt a prickle of discomfort at the thought of Raff on the other side of the wall, but she squashed it down and searched for her phone. She found it by the coffee machine and she glanced at it briefly, then started in shock: there, on her screen, was a message from her mum. After no contact whatsoever for the past few weeks apart from her cryptic note, up her mum popped with a text! It said:
Sorry I haven’t been in touch, darling – hope you haven’t been worried. Am so glad you are back in Paris… it reminds me of your childhood and all the wonderful things we did together. Speak soon, Mum X
Sophie sat down heavily on a nearby chair, grateful it was there to catch her. She felt ecstatic knowing her mum was fine, but she was also confused. What did it mean? Sophie re-read the message. It was reassuring, but baffling all the same. Yes, it told Sophie that her mum was ok, but it didn’t tell her anything whatsoever about her mum’s whereabouts. Or what had caused her to need space in the first place. And why was she so happy that Sophie was back in Paris? Why had she mentioned all the childhood memories?
Sophie tapped her phone on her knee. Was there a clue there, perhaps? Had her mum revisited some of those places recently? Was it some sort of clue as to where she might be or… maybe one of those places had something to do with what had made her mum leave. That made more sense.
Sophie pondered. She didn’t think her mum wanted her to jet off to Trouville-sur-Mer or anything like that. She had mentioned Paris, so Sophie was going to focus on that. Sophie realised she should tell Eloise about the text and also get her view on what it meant, but she called her sister and got no answer. School run, probably. Damn. Sophie needed to talk to someone about this. She felt happier though. Happier now that her mum had been in touch.
‘Hey.’
Sophie looked up. It was Raff. He looked as though he hadn’t slept well either and Sophie wondered why. Not that it was any of her business.
‘You ok?’ Raff asked, frowning. He looked concerned, and as though he was checking her out in her red dress. Or maybe not. Sophie inwardly shrugged. She used to be able to read Raff’s mind a bit, but there no way she was able to do it now.
‘I’m kind of ok, I suppose.’
Annoyed, Sophie decided that looking tired suited Raff somehow. He wore a brown shirt with the sleeves rolled up and slouchy jeans, but there were heavy bags under his eyes. He always spoke to her in English with the most ridiculous French accent, but his command of the English language was excellent, both in vocabulary and grammar.
‘You look tired,’ Sophie commented, before she could stop herself.
‘Do I?’ Raff rubbed a hand over his eyes. ‘Just… family stuff.’
Sophie couldn’t help wondering what he meant, but she didn’t probe further. Coco presumably? Sophie wasn’t sure what other family Raff still had around him. He had been very close to his parents back in the day, but she had no idea if they were even still around.
‘Busy in there?’ she said, referring to the shop.
‘Kind of.’ Raff half smiled. ‘I’ve put the closed sign on the door. Just for a few minutes. I wanted to see how you were. It goes quiet after the pre-work rush anyway.’
Sophie wasn’t going to read anything into that. Raff was probably just worried about her mum because he was running the shop solo. She held up her phone. ‘I just heard from mum.’
‘Really?’ Raff broke into a proper smile. ‘You must be so relieved. What did she say? Where is she? When is she coming back?’
Sophie opened the message and showed it to Raff.
He read it and looked perplexed. ‘Ok. So we still don’t know what’s going on. Or when she’ll be back. Or where she is.’
‘No,’ Sophie admitted. ‘I was excited to hear from her and reassured that nothing terrible has happened. But then I thought… what does that message even mean? Where the hell is she? And what’s going on?’ She stood up. ‘It’s so frustrating.’
Raff handed her phone back and leant against the door frame. ‘Well. I think it’s great that you’ve had an update. And that Mariele seems alright. Maybe we’re just not meant to know everything yet.’
Sophie let out a sigh. Raff had always had this way of looking at things. An almost spiritual perspective that explained or at very least made sense of things on some level. She had no idea why they shouldn’t know the full story – yet – but she supposed Raff had a point. Maybe her mum wasn’t ready to open up about what was going on in her life for whatever reason.
‘Tell me about the shop,’ Sophie said, changing the subject. ‘About… how you’re here.’ She corrected herself; she had been about to ask ‘why’ Raff was here. Which had nothing whatsoever to do with her… because it was none of her business, but also because Raff being back at the macaron shop could not have anything to do with Sophie at all.
‘What about it?’ Raff lead the way back into the shop and fired up the coffee machine. ‘Fancy some breakfast? We should just about have time.’
Sophie glanced at her watch. ‘I need to speak to Eloise but… yes, ok. Thank you.’ She sent Eloise a text telling her the good news, promising to call after breakfast.
Raff headed into the kitchen and Sophie tended to the coffee machine. Raff hadn’t asked what she wanted to eat but she was leaving him to it. He was a great chef in general, not just a great pastry chef; breakfast in bed had been Raff’s favourite thing to cook for her. He’d been pretty inventive back in the day: omelettes with bell peppers, caramelised onions and sour cream, avocado and chilli with scrambled eggs before anyone put chilli on anything; Greek yogurt with stewed figs, pistachios and honeycomb.
Sophie’s hand faltered on the coffee machine. Even the thought of those breakfasts overloaded her mind and body with sensations: the delicious food, what had happened before the breakfast, what would always happen afterwards. Sophie swallowed, feeling herself flush. No. Don’t even think about it. There was no point. Randomly, Sophie thought about Ryan. He wasn’t into cooking. And he didn’t have the rampant sex drive Raff possessed, but he had his own sexily cheeky way of doing things, which Sophie had been grateful for. The more different Ryan had been from Raff the better it was, in her opinion.
‘Coffee ready?’ Raff appeared with two plates.
‘Er, yes.’ Sophie fumbled around with the machine and managed to produce two fairly good coffees. She took the coffees over to a table while Raff
grabbed some cutlery.
Eggs en cocotte’, eggs baked in little ramekins, with a sprinkling of crispy pancetta on top. They looked and smelt amazing.
‘There are mushrooms in there too,’ Raff told her, sitting down. ‘Porcinis and chestnut mushrooms. Your favourites.’ He looked away. ‘Well, maybe they are not these days.’
‘No, they still are my favourites.’ Sophie felt the eggs melt in her mouth and tasted an earthy burst of sautéed, buttery mushrooms. She wasn’t going to read anything into Raff having a good memory. Especially not when it came to food. ‘Wow. So good.’
‘Thanks.’ Raff nodded as he munched thoughtfully on a mouthful, always hyper-critical of his own efforts. ‘Not too bad.’ He eyed her. ‘So, now that we can relax a bit after Mariele’s text, tell me. What’s new with you?’
Sophie carried on eating, giving herself some time. Half of her wanted to open up to Raff and tell him everything because, even though she hadn’t seen him in five years, that closeness between them that had always existed still felt almost tangible, but the other half of her just wanted to shut down and protect herself and not tell Raff a single thing, because anything concerning Sophie had ceased to be his business after Coco arrived and after everything that happened as a consequence of that.
‘Not much,’ she offered finally, closing her feelings off.
Raff lifted an eyebrow and said nothing, as if he realised she had chosen to shut down.
Sophie cast her eyes down. She had always liked the way Raff did his sexy, single eyebrow lift thing, but she wasn’t about to allow it to affect her now. Thank God Pinter wasn’t here; Sophie had no doubt he would make huge things out of the body language between her and Raff, let alone out of anything else he might pick up on. Sophie steeled herself, and remembered exactly why she left Paris – and Raff – in the first place.
Feeling breathless for a moment, Sophie consciously pulled herself together. She wasn’t sure what she would say to Raff about her life anyway. Certainly nothing about her relationship stuff at any rate. Sophie didn’t exactly want to admit that her boyfriend of two years had ended their relationship and jetted off to Dubai instead of proposing to her. Even if that might not completely spell the end of them.
