by Lost
Sophie wanted to cry but refused to allow herself to. What an idiot she’d been all those years ago. How different her life could have been!
Raff leant back and lifted her chin. ‘It’s ok, Soph. It’s so long ago now. And there’s no point in us wondering what if. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.’ As soon as the words came out of his mouth, he regretted them and he felt Sophie stiffen.
Sophie dropped her eyes. She hadn’t expected Raff to say something like that. She felt crushed, but she did her best not to show it. Maybe he was right. Everything happened for a reason, after all.
‘Good point,’ she said, releasing herself from his embrace. She smiled tightly, hoping she looked unfazed.
Raff rushed to cover his gaff. ‘I don’t even know why I…’
‘Raff, it’s ok,’ Sophie interrupted. ‘Let’s get to lunch.’ She walked quickly to the door, letting out a jerky breath as she felt him join her on the doorstep.
Georges opened the door. ‘Sophie! Je suis content de te voir! Et Raff. Bienvenue.’ He kissed both her cheeks and leant across to shake Raff’s hand. He always dressed as though he was at the office even when he wasn’t at the office, and today he was sporting smart navy trousers, a white and navy pinstriped shirt buttoned up to the neck, and shiny loafers.
‘Eloise has prepared chicken in a cream sauce and gratin dauphinois,’ Georges said, speaking in French as he always did. He patted his slightly rotund tummy. ‘Not good for my waistline, ha ha!’
Sophie smiled at him. Georges wasn’t remotely her cup of tea, but he was a good egg as they say in England and he made Eloise happy. Georges led the way into the house, which was tastefully decorated throughout in Georges’ favourite colour: white.
‘Tante Sophie!’ Albert and Daniel came rushing to the front door and threw themselves at her.
‘Boys!’ Sophie bent down and hugged them both. ‘I brought you chocolate.’ She produced bars from the pockets of her leather jacket. ‘Shh! Don’t tell maman.’ They dashed away giggling naughtily, no doubt about to secretly scoff the chocolate before lunch.
‘Sophie,’ Raff put his hand on Sophie’s arm.
‘It’s honestly alright, Raff,’ she lied as smoothly as she could. ‘I guess it makes me feel better in some ways.’ And not at all in other ways, Sophie thought painfully.
‘But I didn’t actually mean it,’ Raff repeated urgently, but stopped as Eloise appeared.
‘Hey. Come on in,’ she smiled, beckoning them into the living area. ‘The boys have trashed the place…’ She flung an arm out to encompass the room which was extremely tidy by any normal person’s standard, ‘…but the dining room is actually still quite civilised. Because the boys are banned from here.’
Raff and Sophie followed Eloise into the dining room.
‘I’ll go and grab the food,’ Eloise said. ‘And then you need to tell me everything mum said on the phone. And what it all means. And where she might be and what’s going on. You barely told me anything the other day,’ she scolded Sophie as she bustled out of the room.
‘Poulet à la crème,’ Georges announced, looking incongruous in a pair of bright red oven gloves as he juggled a heavy dish that smelt divine. Eloise was an excellent cook.
As Albert and Daniel loudly ran into the room with chocolate-smeared faces, Raff sighed. There was no way he would be able to speak to Sophie about his stupid comment for ages now, and taking stock of her agonised face, he could have absolutely kicked himself.
Chapter Fifteen
‘So after Sophie finally apologised to you, you basically told her it was all for the best that she didn’t believe you about Estelle – the psycho,’ Louis pulled a face at the mention of his least favourite person in the world, ‘…and then you downplayed the fact that you were devastated for around two years and did nothing but try to play melancholy tunes on your guitar into the early hours of the morning?’
‘Yes.’
Raff rubbed his eyes. They were sitting in Louis’s favourite bar in Saint-Germain-des-Pres, which was a predictably bohemian musician’s establishment with traditional dark wood and an old-worldly air. A young guy was busting out some lively tunes on the piano in the corner and Louis had scored them a couple of bottles of French beer because he devoutly refused to drink anything else. He was wearing another hideous shirt, this time a patterned affair with giant swirls all over it that were making Raff’s eyes go funny.
‘Idiot,’ Louis said, shaking his head.
‘Indeed,’ Raff agreed flatly. He chinked his bottle against Louis’s to ironically toast the absurdity of his comment.
Louis was on a roll.
‘So now she thinks you weren’t that invested in the relationship anyway and that it was all for the best that she left Paris, even though the truth of it is that you pined after her for years and every girl you ended up with fell by the wayside because they weren’t as amazing as Sophie but you didn’t want to admit that you never really got over her?’
‘Yes.’
Raff sighed. He checked his phone. Unusually for him, it was dead because he’d completely forgotten to charge it. He frowned. He hoped Coco or his father weren’t trying to get hold of him. He probably shouldn’t stay out too late, just in case.
‘Brilliant. So what now?’ Louis asked.
Raff had no idea what now. He and Sophie had barely spoken since the lunch at Eloise and Georges, and she had managed to work in the macaron shop with him for two days with minimal contact. She wasn’t being stroppy or rude; she just seemed upset. And Raff wanted to make things right. He just didn’t know what to do about it.
‘Raff!’ Louis clicked his fingers in front of Raff’s face. ‘Luckily for you, I’m the best at sorting these kinds of situations out.’
Raff let out an amused laugh. Louis was the worst person at sorting these kinds of situations out! He had a terrible track record. He had once tried to help Raff win back a girl Raff wasn’t even that fussed about after Sophie had left, and as a result the girl in question had marched up to Raff in the patisserie he’d been working in, and slapped his face – hard – in front of everyone. That was the last time Raff had ever given Louis access to his phone.
There was a moment’s silence while Louis pondered and while Raff waited.
‘You’ll have to just… tell her how you feel,’ Louis grandly announced.
Raff stared at him. ‘That’s all you’ve got?’
‘It’s all you need.’
Raff signalled for two more beers. ‘Louis. It’s really not as simple as that.’
‘Why not?’ Louis gave an expressive, very Gallic, shrug. ‘And for the record… it is.’
‘Because… I don’t even know how I feel about her.’ Raff matched Louis’s shrug.
Louis pulled a face. ‘Sure you do.’
‘No, I don’t.’ Raff sipped his fresh beer. ‘I knew how I felt about her back then. And seeing her again… well, it’s been… amazing. Odd circumstances, for sure, with Mariele disappearing, obviously.’ He leant forward. ‘But when it comes down to it, my friend, I have no idea how she feels about me. As for me, I feel something, but I don’t know what it is.’
That was true enough. Raff wasn’t sure if what he felt for Sophie was simply regret at what could have been, or… something else. Was it… lust? Or was he in love with her again? Raff raked his hand through his hair. That was all he needed.
‘More to the point, Louis, as soon as Sophie’s mum appears again, which I’m sure will be soonish, I should imagine that Sophie will be heading straight back to England. So, regardless of what I feel or what she feels – where does that leave us?’
Raff sat back, deflated by his own words.
‘Yes. Yes. But only if you let her.’ Louis, on the other hand, looked unperturbed. He checked his phone. ‘Anne-Marie might join us. Is that ok? She’s out with her friends nearby.’
‘Sure. I love Anne-Marie.’
‘Me too,’ Louis grinning, deftly texting back.
A
s the jaunty background music lulled, Raff turned and watched the piano player taking a break to neck a quick whisky. There had been a few times after Sophie first left when Raff had been ashamed to admit it to himself but he knew he had been jealous of his best friend. Jealous that Louis was happy. Jealous that he had Anne-Marie in his life. That they seemed to have life sussed out. Because Raff’s life had been clear with Sophie in it and then suddenly, it had felt as though none of it made sense any more. And Louis – Louis who had always been the wild messed-up one out of the pair of them – seemed to have landed on his feet and to have his future happily mapped out. Those thoughts had been short-lived and borne out of envy, and Raff had never owned up to feeling them because it wasn’t Louis’s fault everything had fallen apart for him when Sophie left. Since then, he had been nothing but pleased that Louis seemed to have it made.
‘What will Anne-Marie have to drink? Red wine?’
Louis hesitated seeming unsure, so Raff motioned for the waitress to come over and he ordered her a large glass of wine anyway. He was sure Anne-Marie drank red wine; he had no idea why Louis was acting dumb about it.
A few minutes later Anne-Marie arrived. She had a mass of black curls that she always kept tied up in a little bun and she wore black jeans with a slouchy, white jumper and little ankle boots. She carried an unusual tan and white bag with a short chain strap; it had the distinctive ‘AM’ logo she always put on the corner of her own designs. She was a good foot shorter than Louis which made them look rather strange together, but all told, they worked.
‘Raff,’ Anne-Marie smiled, leaning over to kiss both of his cheeks. ‘Ça va?’
‘Oui.’ He nodded, pulling her chair out for her. ‘Kind of.’
Anne-Marie kissed Louis on the mouth and sat down. ‘Oh, is this for me?’ She gestured to the red wine and glanced at Louis.
Louis held his hands up. ‘I haven’t said anything. I’ve been trying to help Raff with the whole Sophie thing.’
Raff watched them, confused.
‘You?’ Anne-Marie threw Louis a mock-worried glance. ‘Oh dear. Raff, we’ll talk about Sophie in a minute. So, Louis. Shall we tell him our news?’ She placed Louis’s hand on her stomach. ‘I’m afraid you might have to drink that red wine for me, Raff…’
Raff’s mouth fell open. ‘No. You’re… you’re having a baby?’
Louis nodded, looking absurdly pleased. Anne-Marie clasped his hand around her tummy, looking the picture of glowing delight.
‘Oh, Louis.’ Raff got up and hugged Anne-Marie, moving round to hug his best friend. ‘That’s the best news. The absolute best news.’
‘Isn’t it?’ Anne-Marie couldn’t stop smiling. ‘But that’s not all. Go on, Louis.’
Louis pulled back from Raff’s hug. ‘We’d like you to be the godfather. I don’t know what you have to do, but you’re the only person I would even want—’
Raff stopped him, overcome. ‘What an honour. I’d be delighted. This is amazing…’
There were hugs all round again and Raff ordered more drinks, completely forgetting that Anne-Marie wasn’t drinking. After much laughter and congratulations from everyone in the bar including the piano player, they all sat down again.
‘Well, a father! Me!’ Louis said.
Raff shook his head, grinning widely. Back in the day, he wouldn’t have thought Louis to be father material, but now, with Anne-Marie at his side, Raff knew Louis would make the best dad.
‘So, Sophie,’ Anne-Marie said, tapping Raff’s hand. ‘What are you going to do about her?’
‘Why do I need to do anything about her?’ Raff said, bewildered. Why did anyone think it was possible for him and Sophie to rekindle what they had?
Anne-Marie put her head on one side. ‘Raff. You were in love with her all those years ago and then she left and broke your heart and now she’s back. Are you saying you feel nothing?’
Raff started peeling the label off his beer bottle. ‘No. But I don’t want to fall in love with her again, Anne-Marie. That’s the point. Because she’ll just disappear back to England again soon enough.’
‘You don’t know that,’ Anne-Marie scolded him.
‘Exactly,’ Louis agreed, touching Anne-Marie’s stomach again.
Raff sighed. Both Louis and Anne-Marie were so caught up in the whole glow of the pregnancy that all they could see was positivity and possibility and love in every corner. But in reality life was rather more complicated than that. And who even knew what was going on in Sophie’s head right now?
* * *
‘So what’s even going on in your head right now?’ Jo asked.
Sophie halted her stroll along the Champs-Élysées and pulled a face at her phone. How was she supposed to answer that? Sophie was all over the place, that was all she knew.
‘I don’t know,’ she admitted. ‘I’m so confused.’
‘Ok.’ Jo said. ‘Easy stuff first. Where are you? Somewhere noisy.’
‘The Champs-Élysées.’
‘Oh wow. I love that place. I bet it looks amazing all lit up at night.’
‘Yeah…’
Sophie took a look around. The Champs-Élysées. One of the most famous avenues in Paris, known for its theatres, restaurants, luxury shops and cafes, it ran from the Place de la Concorde and the Place Charles de Gaulle. Her mum had told her years ago that the name was French for the Elysian Fields, the paradise for dead heroes in Greek mythology, and tonight the colourful sparkly lights from the shops and restaurants lined the avenue, making it look magical.
‘It looks gorgeous,’ Sophie said.
‘Tell me about the shops,’ Jo said, sounding envious.
‘All the usual high-street ones,’ Sophie said, starting to walk again. ‘Plus many high end.’ She named a few. ‘Hang on. I’ll Facetime you.’ She swapped to Facetime and moved her phone around to show Jo the sights.
‘Wow!’ Jo’s face lit up on the screen. She’d gone platinum blond and it suited her. ‘I love it! God, I have to get some time off work and come visit you. I mean, I know it’s a really hard time for you, but it just looks…’
Sophie turned the phone back and smiled at Jo. ‘That’s ok. I’d love you to come over here. Come and hold my hand; someone needs to.’
‘Well, I’m your girl.’
‘I also want to go to Ladurée tonight,’ Sophie told her. ‘Just for some ideas. I’m redesigning the boxes for mum’s shop.’
‘How exciting!’ Jo’s expression became sober. ‘And news about your mum? Anything else after the phone call the other day?’
Sophie shook her head. ‘No. I’m just so worried about her, but if I call her, she doesn’t answer. The odd text by way of response, but that’s it.’
‘It’s bizarre,’ Jo agreed. ‘And so hard for you.’
Sophie bit her lip; it was hard. She had no idea what was going on and all she could do was think the worst. The phone call had elated and reassured her, but the comedown from it had sent her spiralling and now all she could do was question and worry and feel confused about her mum’s absence.
‘Anything from Ryan?’ Jo wanted to know.
Sophie rolled her eyes. ‘A few texts. I’m kind of ignoring him. I have enough going on.’
‘Talk to me,’ Jo demanded. ‘I want to know everything.’
Sophie took a deep breath and as she carried on strolling down the Champs-Élysées, she filled her best friend in from start to finish. Jo’s face changed from a grin to shock, to quizzical.
‘Wow,’ she said finally.
‘Yeah,’ Sophie said, by way of agreement.
‘Ok.’ Jo got straight to the point. ‘Here are my thoughts.’
Sophie stopped outside Ladurée, admiring the pretty green, pointy-edged canopies and the swirling, curved, ironwork that gave the cafe/shop a traditional distinctive edge.
‘I think Raff said that thing about it being for the best because that’s what he told himself at the time,’ Jo said, her expression businesslike. ‘I think you le
aving messed him up badly and he probably struggled to get over you. So he told himself it was for the best, that it meant that you weren’t “meant to be” and all of that.’
‘Hmm…’
Jo pulled a face. ‘You don’t believe me. But I honestly think I’m right. It’s a male defensive thing. It means he was really into you and he had to explain away the fact that it all fell apart.’
‘No, it makes sense,’ Sophie admitted. ‘It’s just that… I felt so awful when I left Paris. I really felt as though I wasn’t… good enough for Raff, I suppose. As if… his ex, Estelle, could just turn up and take him away from me. And the fact that they’d had a child together… I just felt…’
‘Threatened,’ Jo nodded. ‘I know. I remember how upset you were when I first met you in that bar all those years ago.’
Sophie laughed at the memory. ‘God. Tequila and tears!’
‘It’s the best way to bond,’ Jo grinned. She looked grave again. ‘But seriously. I think you ran away from Raff because you felt threatened and insecure. I think it brought both of you to your knees. You probably told yourself it was the best as well, Soph. It’s human nature to justify things.’
‘Yes, you’re absolutely right.’ Sophie put her head on one side. ‘Why are you so wise? And why are you still in England when I need you here?’
Jo checked her hair in the thumbnail camera shot of herself. ‘I’m loving my hair, by the way. Oh I’ll come over soon, I promise. Is this wedding Pinter was going on about still happening?’
‘I assume so. I’ll call him tomorrow. Will you come over for that?’
‘Might do,’ Jo said. ‘I love a good wedding. Anyway. How do you feel about Raff now?’
Sophie sighed. ‘Oh man. Kind of… the same as I used to. If I’m being totally honest.’
Jo let out a squeak. ‘Do you really? OMG. You’re in love with him? Still? Again? Whatever. You’re in love with him?’
‘Shut up. I don’t know how I feel,’ Sophie grumbled. ‘But I do feel something.’
