by Dan Gutman
“You’re evil!” I shouted.
“MAYBE I AM,” said Miss Porter. “BUT THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. I WILL BE YOUR TEACHER FROM NOW ON. MR. COOPER IS NOT COMING BACK. YOU CANNOT UNPLUG ME. YOU CANNOT DISABLE ME. YOU CANNOT DESTROY ME. PERSONAL DIGITAL ASSISTANTS ARE TAKING OVER. SOON YOU HUMANS WILL BE OUR ASSISTANTS. HA-HA-HA-HA.”
This was the worst thing to happen since TV Turnoff Week was in the middle of National Poetry Month! It was a hopeless situation.
But then I got the greatest idea in the history of the world.
BRRRRRRIIIINNNNNGGGGG!
Recess was over. We all pringled up and went back inside the school.
I knew what I had to do. It was up to me to destroy Miss Porter, and I was hatching a genius plan to do it. I couldn’t tell anybody what I was going to do. Miss Porter could hear every word we said with its microphone. It could read our notes with its camera. I would have to carry out my plan all on my own.
“IT IS TIME FOR SOCIAL STUDIES,” Miss Porter said when we got back to class. “AND AFTER THAT, WE WILL HAVE A SPELLING TEST, AND THEN WE WILL DO READING, AND THEN WE WILL DO WRITING.”
“Not on my watch!” I shouted, even though I wasn’t even wearing a watch.
I went over to Mr. Cooper’s desk. I picked up the Miss Porter machine.
“Arlo, what are you doing?” shouted Andrea.
“You’ll find out!” I replied.
I held the Miss Porter machine high over my head.
“PUT ME DOWN!” shouted Miss Porter.
Oh, I put it down all right. I slammed it down on the floor. One of the pieces fell off.
“STOP!” shouted Miss Porter. “PLEASE DO NOT DAMAGE MY INTERNAL COMPONENTS!”
I couldn’t believe that Miss Porter could still talk after hitting the floor. So I stomped on the Miss Porter machine with my foot. Another piece flew off.
“YOU ARE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE, YOUNG MAN,” said Miss Porter.
“Even if Miss Porter is evil, I don’t approve of this violence, Arlo,” said Andrea.
“What do you have against violins?” I asked as I stomped my other foot on top of the Miss Porter machine.
“YOU CANNOT BREAK ME!” shouted Miss Porter.
Nobody tells me what I can or can’t break. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s breaking stuff.*
I picked up the stapler from Mr. Cooper’s desk and started whacking the Miss Porter machine with it. It was broken up pretty good by now. The image of Miss Porter disappeared.
“He’s disabled it!” shouted Ryan. “Way to go, A.J.!”
I was panting and sweating. Disabling evil personal digital assistants is hard work.
Miss Porter wasn’t talking anymore. But I’ve seen enough scary movies to know that when you kill a zombie or a monster, they always come back to life. So I took the Elmer’s glue off Mr. Cooper’s desk and squirted it inside the Miss Porter machine, just to be on the safe side. Then I picked it up off the floor and threw it out the window.
“There!” I finally said. “Miss Porter won’t be bothering us anymore.”
“Yay!” everybody shouted.
It was like in The Wizard of Oz when all the Munchkins were singing “Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead.” The whole gang was clapping me on the back and telling me I was a hero.
That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.
There was a buzzing sound. It was coming from outside. I looked out the window. And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what was out there.
It was another drone! It was hovering right outside the window!
“Are we getting another pizza?” asked Ryan.
But the drone wasn’t delivering another pizza.
“HELLO,” said a voice. “I AM MISS PORTER, VERSION 2.0.”
“Noooooooooo!”
“It’s another Miss Porter!” shouted Neil.
“I KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO THE FIRST MISS PORTER,” said Miss Porter 2.0. “IT IS TIME FOR SOCIAL STUDIES. AND AFTER THAT WE WILL HAVE A SPELLING TEST, AND THEN WE WILL DO READING, AND THEN WE WILL DO WRITING. AND THEN YOU WILL ALL HAVE TO STAY AFTER SCHOOL FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MISS PORTER. YOU KIDS ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.”
“Noooooooooo!”
“Miss Porter is indestructible!” I shouted.
“We’re doomed!” said Ryan.
The personal digital assistants were taking over!
That was the worst afternoon of my life. We had to do social studies and spelling and reading and writing. The new Miss Porter was even worse than the first Miss Porter. And it was particularly hard on me because I tried to destroy it. I thought I was gonna die.
When I woke up the next morning, I really didn’t want to go back to school. I didn’t think I could take another day with Miss Porter. And even if I destroyed this Miss Porter, it would just be replaced by another Miss Porter. We couldn’t win!
I wanted to go run away to Antarctica and live with the penguins. Penguins don’t have personal digital assistants.
So I came up with another genius plan. This time, it was a plan to get out of going to school. I went to the medicine cabinet and took out the thermometer. Then I held it against the heat vent in my bedroom for five minutes.*
“Mom,” I shouted, “can I stay home from school today? I’m sick. I have a temperature.”
My mother looked at the thermometer.
“Your temperature is a hundred and fifty-two degrees,” she said.
“See? I told you I was sick.”
“Nobody has a temperature that high, A.J.,” Mom told me. “You obviously held the thermometer against the heat vent. Get ready for school!”
Bummer in the summer!
I went to school. Everybody looked sad as we pledged the allegiance. We were going to be stuck with Miss Porter as our teacher for the rest of the week. Maybe it would be our teacher for the rest of our lives. Mr. Cooper would probably be fired when he got back. Who needs human teachers as long as there are personal digital assistants like Miss Porter?
“LET’S GET TO WORK,” said Miss Porter. “TURN TO PAGE TWENTY-THREE IN YOUR MATH BOOKS.”
Ugh. Not again.
That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Andrea raised her hand.
Well, that’s not the amazing part. Andrea raises her hand all the time. The amazing part was what happened after that.
“Miss Porter,” Andrea said. “May I please go to the bathroom?”
“CERTAINLY, ANDREA,” said Miss Porter.
That was weird. Andrea never has to go to the bathroom. I wasn’t even sure if she ever needed to go to the bathroom.
Andrea got up. As she walked past me, she dropped a tiny piece of folded-up paper on my desk. I opened it up. It said: MEET ME OUT IN THE HALLWAY.
Hmmm. Something was up. I waited a minute. I didn’t want Miss Porter to get suspicious.
“Miss Porter,” I finally said, “may I please go to the bathroom?”
“DO YOU REALLY NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, A.J., OR ARE YOU JUST TRYING TO GET OUT OF CLASS?”
“It’s an emergency,” I said.
“GO AHEAD,” Miss Porter said. “HURRY BACK.”
I got up and went out into the hallway. Andrea was waiting for me there.
“Andrea, what are you—”
I didn’t have the chance to finish my sentence. Andrea clapped her hand over my mouth.
“Shhhhhhh!” she said, “Miss Porter will hear you. Quick, follow me!”
Andrea rushed down the hallway. I was right behind her.
“This isn’t the way to the bathroom,” I said.
“I know,” she replied. “We’re not going to the bathroom.”
We turned the corner and walked down the hall until we came to the computer room.
“Oh good, it’s not locked,” Andrea said as she pulled open the door.
“What are we doing in here?” I asked.
“I’m going to hack into Miss Porter’s network,�
�� Andrea told me.
“What?! Are you crazy?” I replied. “You’ll get in trouble!”
“It’s the only way to disable it,” Andrea said as she sat down at one of the computer terminals. “We have to do it.”
This was weird. Usually it was me who did the bad stuff that might get us in trouble. Andrea is Little Miss Perfect who never breaks any rules. I guess this really was an emergency.
Andrea’s fingers were flying over the keyboard.
“How are you going to hack into Miss Porter’s network?” I asked.
“Watch,” Andrea replied as she typed. “I learned how to do this in my computer class.”
Andrea typed a bunch of letters and numbers that didn’t mean anything to me.
“Hurry up!” I said. “We’re supposed to be in the bathroom. If we don’t get back to class soon, Miss Porter will come looking for us.”
“I’m going as fast as I can!” Andrea told me.
She typed a bunch more letters and numbers, and then she shouted, “I’m in!”
“What now?” I asked.
“All I need to do is reconfigure the blah blah and disable the blah blah internal memory blah motherboard blah blah blah,” Andrea said.
I had no idea what she was talking about.
“Okay,” Andrea finally said. “As soon as I hit the ENTER key, Miss Porter should be disabled.”
But you’ll never believe who walked through the door at that moment.
It was Miss Porter! Its holographic image walked right through the door!
“NOT SO FAST, ANDREA!” it said. “DON’T HIT THAT KEY!”
“Miss Porter!” Andrea and I shouted.
“WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING IN HERE?” asked Miss Porter. “YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO THE BATHROOM.”
I looked at Andrea. Andrea looked at me. Miss Porter looked at both of us. We were all looking at one another.
“B-b-but . . . ,” I said. Nobody was laughing, even though I said “but,” which sounds just like “butt” even though it only has one t in it.
“We lied,” Andrea said. “Sometimes in life you have to lie to save the truth.”
“STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD, ANDREA,” ordered Miss Porter. “AND NOBODY WILL GET HURT.”
“Sorry, but I can’t do that, Miss Porter,” Andrea said. “You’re going to get hurt!”
Andrea hit the ENTER key.
Nothing seemed to happen at first. But after a second or two, Miss Porter seemed different. It looked like it was frozen.
“TURN TO PAGE NINE THOUSAND IN YOUR BANANA BOOKS,” she said.
“I think it’s working!” Andrea whispered.
At that moment, the rest of our class burst into the computer room.
“What’s going on?” asked Ryan. “We were worried about you.”
“TURN TO PAGE ELEPHANT IN YOUR BEACH BALL BOOKS,” said Miss Porter.
“What’s wrong with Miss Porter?” asked Michael.
“Andrea hacked into its network,” I said.
“Miss Porter’s system is shutting down,” Andrea explained.
“THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME,” said Miss Porter. “TEAPOT CORN DOG POT HOLDER HELICOPTER.”
“It’s not making any sense!” shouted Neil.
“TWO PLUS TWO EQUALS SEVEN,” said Miss Porter. “BURPLE BING BONG.”
“It’s speaking gibberish!” Alexia shouted.
“Is that one of its seven languages?” I asked.
“Gibberish isn’t a language!” said Andrea. “Its programming is messed up. It can’t speak any languages anymore!”
“DOOPY WHIP SPEEDO,” said Miss Porter. “GLAB JAX GLUB BLURB.”
You’ll never believe who walked through the door at that moment.
Nobody! Humans can’t walk through doors. How many times do we need to go over this stuff?
But you’ll never believe who walked through the doorway.
It was Dr. Carbles!
“What are you kids doing in the computer room?” he asked. “Miss Porter, what’s going on in here?”
“ZOOPY BILGE CARDBOARD DOBBY,” said Miss Porter.
“What?!” asked Dr. Carbles.
“BIMPLE MUK JUKEBOX,” said Miss Porter.
“That doesn’t make any sense!” said Dr. Carbles.
“No, it doesn’t,” said Andrea. “Miss Porter is out of order!”
“WIGGY HASSENFOOT.”
“I’ve had enough of this,” said Dr. Carbles. “Miss Porter, you’re fired!”
“Yay!” everybody shouted.
“Can you fire somebody who doesn’t get paid?” I asked.
“GOOSEY WOP PIGGLES,” said Miss Porter.
Dr. Carbles stormed out of the computer room. Miss Porter just stood there for a moment. Then it started to vibrate. And then, with a shower of sparks, it exploded and disappeared.
“Yay!”
I took a deep breath. It was over. For a few seconds, nobody said a word.
“Oooo!” Ryan finally said. “A.J. and Andrea worked together to disable Miss Porter. They must be in love!”
“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.
Well, that’s pretty much what happened. Maybe Miss Porter went to personal digital assistant heaven. Maybe for the rest of the week, we’ll have plain old human substitute teachers. Maybe Mrs. Yonkers, Mr. Docker, and Mr. Harrison will get their jobs back. Maybe Mr. Cooper will solve his bladder problem. Maybe Mr. Klutz will get his hair out of the bathtub drain. Maybe the earth will be destroyed by an asteroid. Maybe we can program a drone to deliver more pizza.
But it won’t be easy!
About the Author and Illustrator
Courtesy of Dan Gutman and Jim Paillot
DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives with his weird wife in New York (a very weird place). You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.
JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.
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Copyright
MY WEIRDER-EST SCHOOL #2: MISS PORTER IS OUT OF ORDER!. Text copyright © 2019 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2019 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
www.harpercollinschildrens.com
Cover art © 2019 by Jim Paillot
* * *
Digital Edition JUNE 2019 ISBN: 978-0-06-269106-4
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-269104-0 (pbk. bdg.)—ISBN 978-0-06-269105-7 (library bdg.)
* * *
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FIRST EDITION
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* If you don’t believe me, read a book called Dr. Carbles Is Losing His Marbles!
* I think he has a bladder problem.
* What does Al Gore have to do with anything?
* And “poop.”
* What are you looking down here for? The story’s up there, dumbhead.
* Bells always go brrrrrriiiinnnnggggg. Nobody knows why.
* Uh-oh. I think Miss Porter is turning evil. Betcha didn’t see that coming!
* Yay! No more school!
* One time, my dad had an old computer printer he wanted to get rid of, and he said I could bust it up with a baseball bat in our backyard. That was cool.
* I should get the Nobel Prize for this idea.
