by LJ Evans
“My pleasure,” I responded.
There was silence.
“Claire?” you asked as if you’d lost the signal.
“Sorry…was actually speechless for a moment,” Claire said, and I could hear the smile in her voice even though I’d never met her.
“I’ll talk to you once I’m at the hospital,” you told her with a quick, sideways look at me.
“Okay. But you know I’m going to want details. Yes, DEEETAAAILS, Seth, so it better all be good!”
“You’re so embarrassing,” you said, shaking your head in misery.
“Everything embarrasses you.”
“Love you,” you responded.
“Love you too. Call me later.” You hung up.
“Sorry about that,” you said as you bent to put your phone away. I knew it was so you didn’t have to look at me.
“I think I like this Claire person,” I responded.
Your head swung up, and you eyed me thoughtfully. “You would. Everyone does. In fact, she’s way more your type than I am.”
That made my stomach twist because I could hear the worry in your voice. “That’s not possible. I’m only interested in fiery fairies.”
You acted like you hadn’t heard me, but you had. Instead, you futzed with your messy bun, trying to tighten it into submission. I know how worried you were for me to meet Claire. You thought her fun, outgoing beauty was going to captivate me. And I won’t lie to you because you know I don’t lie, Claire is gorgeous, but there is no way she can compete with you.
When we got to the hospital, we headed straight for the maternity ward’s waiting room. There, you flew into the arms of a man who, other than being quite a lot taller than you, resembled you in frame and hair and eyes. I could clearly see that you were related, and that was the only thing that saved me from wanting to pound him into the ground. That was possessive. That was me wanting to keep you as my own. I do recognize it for what it is most of the time.
“Justice!” You hugged him tightly. “Have you heard anything?”
“Not yet.” His voice was muffled in your hair. You squeezed his t-shirt in your hands, holding on to him tightly.
Locke appeared at the door with water bottles in hand. He gave me a nasty look and then joined you and Justice. “Is everything…” Locke’s voice choked up.
“Just glad to see S&M,” Justice said, pulling away, but keeping you at his side.
I found myself grimacing at the nickname that had easily slipped from his lips. I wasn’t happy with it. I’m still not. To the outsider, it makes you sound like something you’re not. I know I was glowering by the time your sinewy brother turned his attention to me, which wasn’t the best first impression. But as you know by now, I don’t give a rat’s ass about first impressions. Or second. Or third. At the time, I didn’t care if he had raised you, I wasn’t going to let him talk to you like that.
“So, you’re Seth,” Justice said, eyeing me warily.
“What kind of brother calls his kid sister something like that?” I stepped towards the group, ready to go if needed.
“Seth. Stop. No. It’s just a nickname.” You intervened with a wave of your hand.
“That’s not a nickname,” I snapped back.
“It just means small and mighty, dipshit.” Locke stepped between Justice and I. “You can’t come in to a situation you know nothing about and start throwing punches.”
I didn’t respond, but my look said, “Wanna bet?”
“No, no. It’s okay,” Justice said, stepping around Locke and assessing me from head to toe. “It’s good that he’s defending her. If he wasn’t, I’d show him the door.”
“I’d like to see you try,” I growled. I didn’t mean to upset you. I was being ridiculously protective. I know.
“Stop!” You came out from behind the men and tugged at my tense arms. I looked down at your heart-shaped face, realizing I was upsetting you more than you already were, so I tried to let go of the anger. You were already good for me in that way. I was already trying to be a better person for you. My palm caressed your cheek like it had always belonged there.
“This isn’t the time or place for any of this,” you said, pleading softly.
“She’s right,” Locke agreed.
I could think of a million shitty things to say in response, but I focused instead on my desire to keep you calm.
The doctor entered the room, and all our eyes swung to his face. He was smiling, and I knew that was good. Grim-faced doctors are not ones you want to encounter.
“Sorry we had to kick you out of the room there. But Liv’s fine. The baby is fine. You have a brand-new baby boy. Six pounds, five ounces. Seventeen inches.”
“Thank God!” Justice exclaimed, and you were at his side, hugging him tightly again. You were both crying, tears of relief and joy.
Locke wrapped his arms around the two of you, and you all shared a moment that made me feel like a foreigner and left me aching for something I’d never had: family that cared deeply about each other.
Justice broke away first. “Can we see them?”
“The baby is being cleaned up in the nursery. You can come on over there. Liv is coming out of the delivery room. We’ll have her in the new room in a few minutes,” the doctor said.
You and your family followed the doctor, and I only hesitated a moment before I followed too. I was enticed by all of you. The doctor led us down a hallway where he swiped a card to get into the maternity ward. “Justice can come on back, but everyone else will have to wait here.” The doctor pointed to the window of the nursery where a tiny little baby was being wrapped in a blue blanket.
Justice squeezed your hand and then followed the doctor into the nursery. You stood with Locke at the window, watching the baby. I thought you’d forgotten me. You probably had. I was the two-minute acquaintance in a lifetime of family. I fucking hated it. I didn’t want to be on the outside of your circle. I eased up next to you, grabbed your hand, and squeezed. You looked up at me with tears in your eyes. Even though I knew they were happy tears, I still didn’t want to see you that way.
I brushed gently at one that dared to hit your cheek. When I looked up, I found Locke watching us closely. His face tightened into something not quite a frown, but he didn’t say anything. I was glad. I didn’t want to start something again outside the baby ward.
Inside the nursery, Justice was holding the baby. He brought him to the window. The baby was so small that I wondered how it could possibly be a living creature. It looked like a doll.
Justice was beaming and you beamed back at him. You put a hand to the window, and Justice moved the tiny hand to the window too. I watched with a flood of emotions as you and the baby’s hand touched on opposite sides of glass.
You’d be shocked at the number of images that filled my head then. I saw images that I could bang out of steel and glass, but I was also, unexpectedly, seized with an image of you holding your own baby in your arms and smiling at me with tears of joy. And I knew for a fact that I wanted that image to someday be a reality which socked me in the stomach so hard I couldn’t breathe.
At the moment, with you and the baby’s hands touching through glass, I realized you had turned my whole goddamn world upside down. And you’d done it in mere hours. So little time that it could be measured in seconds.
All those emotions that I had long lived without were filling me so tightly that I couldn’t let go of your hand. It felt right to me, holding your tiny frame in my oversized, rough one. I held it like a lifeline. I don’t know what you thought. Was that when you started thinking I was overbearing and possessive?
I was still holding it when we walked down the hallway to the room that Liv and the baby had been wheeled into. Inside, we found Liv with her laughing brown eyes and brown hair. She was a natural beauty even through her hospital hair and tired eyes. She lit up on seeing you. I was tortured again with how close you all were.
; “PJ! Come meet baby Cole.”
You dropped my hand, and the absence hit me hard.
You sat on the bed with Liv, hugging her and making googly eyes at the baby. Justice was standing next to you both, smiling a huge smile. Locke was on the other side of the bed, smiling too, and I instantly loved how your little group had found a way to be a family in this crazy world.
I knew that I was going to have to prove myself to these people who so obviously adored you. Prove that I deserved you. And I knew, even then, that I didn’t. But I can’t help being honest too. I didn’t want to share you with them. It was a weird dichotomy. I ached to be a part of that family, and I was so glad that you had them in your life, but at that same time, it meant there would be less room for me. Less need for me. I had thought earlier that maybe you needed me as much as I needed you, and this proved it wasn’t true.
I walked out. I was trying to gain control of my emotions. I had to pinch the inside of my palm in a way I hadn’t since my mom died. I left, made a call, and then couldn’t help but be drawn back to you and your family.
I leaned up against the doorframe, watching for a while. You were all happy, passing the little bundle around with lighthearted teasing. Liv finally looked up and noticed me. She smiled, a tired but real smile.
“You must be Seth?”
I didn’t respond.
“You must have been keeping our PJ awfully busy if she didn’t answer Justice’s call.” She said it with a wink and barely concealed laughter. She’d just been through excruciating hours of labor to deliver a baby and yet was still able to tease. It made me understand that Liv was pretty amazing too.
“Liv!” You swatted at her playful banter. I kept my arms crossed against my chest with my hands tucked carefully under my armpits so I wouldn’t be tempted to touch you and those pink cheeks.
Justice’s smile disappeared at Liv’s comment, and Locke’s face returned to the glower from earlier. The men in your family did not like the idea of us tangled in my sheets. “What’s this?” Justice asked, his arms rising up to cross his chest in a stance not unlike my own.
You were up out of the bed in a flash. “God, Justice, don’t act like I’m some saint.”
“You might as well be,” Justice said.
“How can you even say that?”
You had your hand on your hip, scowling, and I couldn’t help but grin at you, all fiery again. I was relieved that it wasn’t directed at me. But then, it made me think about what I’d do if I was on the receiving end. How I could certainly take your breath away. And that wasn’t a good thing because it made me tighten in areas that were not appropriate for the maternity ward with your brother and family.
“You’ve been living like one,” Justice said, frowning.
“Please. Don’t. Go there.” That wiped my smile away because there was so much self-loathing in your voice that it ripped yet another hole in my soul.
“You’ve lived like a nun for four years and now after one date with…” Justice waved his hand at me lounging in the door. “This…”
“Yes?” I offered, moving in a quick step toward you, placing my hands on your shoulders. Possessive? Staking my claim? I can see that’s what I was doing. But I’m learning. I won’t ever be good at people doubting us. I can’t say I blame Justice. I wouldn’t like me with you either if I was him. That’s pretty fucked up, but true.
“Asshole?” Locke offered up to Justice, continuing his own glare.
You shrugged my hands off your shoulders, stepped away from me, and shook a finger at the two men.
“Both of you stay out of this. I’m old enough to make my own choices.”
“And mistakes,” Liv countered, smiling, enjoying our banter. I knew for sure that I liked her. Both Liv and Claire seemed good for you. They are good for you even though I want to hate them both for telling you to go. I can’t hate them because they know how to take care of you.
You just shook your head at your sister-in-law. “You’re all impossible.”
You turned on your heel, grabbed my hand, and tugged me toward the door. “I’ll see you all later. Get some rest!”
“Good luck trying to do the same,” Liv chuckled.
You turned, let go of my hand, and rushed back to Justice. You hugged him tightly. “Love you from the top of my aorta to the bottom of my posterior vena cava.”
“Right back at you, S&M,” Justice said, squeezing you.
You grabbed my hand again as we left, and you held it all the way to the parking garage. I don’t think it was until we were at the car that you realized how tightly you held on. You looked down at our hands entwined and went to let go, but I gripped it harder, bringing your palm up to my mouth and kissing the silky flesh. It wasn’t meant to be sexual. It was meant to make you feel at ease.
“I’m sorry for all that. You must think…”
“That they care about you?”
“That I’m a freak.”
I pulled you to me and kissed your forehead. “No. You’re amazing. They’re amazing.”
You rested your head on my chest.
“How can you think that? You’ve known me like…What? Forty-eight hours at most.”
“It didn’t take one.”
I meant it, but you just shook your head against my chest in disbelief. I reached up and undid the messy bun, letting your curls swirl around your shoulders where I could wrap my hand in them, forcing you to look up at me. I captured your gorgeous lips in my own. I couldn’t help it. You were so strong and beautiful and yet so full of self-hatred and I didn’t know how or why, but I did know that I wanted to prove to you just how stunning and sexy you were.
You returned my kiss with as much fervor as you had the very first time our lips met. With just as much passion as you had in my studio.
It took everything I had not to pull you into the seat of the Porsche and make love to you in the hospital parking lot. I dragged myself away from your sweetness. “You must be exhausted. And hungry. It’s been a long day.”
You smiled up at me with a look that said you were neither tired nor hungry. Not for food anyway, and I couldn’t help but devour you again.
You pulled back that time with a shaky smile. “I could use a good burger.”
“Burger?”
“Yep. Burger.”
“Okay, but we go to the place I know. The meat is grass fed, with no antibiotics or hormones.”
You looked at me with surprise. “You’re a food snob?”
“No. I’m just careful about what I put into my body.”
I opened your door and you got in. I could tell you were tired. Your eyes looked slightly bruised and almost haunted even though you were still smiling.
I decided right then that we’d get the burgers to go and end up back at my place where I could ensure you got a good night’s sleep. I swear that was my intention. But you. You are just irresistible.
PJ After Letter Four
LAY YOUR HANDS ON ME
“You’re mine and I’m yours for the taking.
Right now the rules we’ve made are meant for breaking.”
-Bon Jovi & Sambora
Pj puts down the letter. So many feelings wash over her thinking about those first intense twenty-four hours together. Seth had been possessive and protective almost immediately. At the time, she’d loved the feeling of being desired. She’d never had someone drawn to her so relentlessly from the first kiss. She’d never had someone ready to go to blows with her brother for calling her S&M.
The mess they’ve made is partly her fault. She knows that now with space and therapy. She’d let Seth direct the path of their relationship from the start. At first, when he couldn’t let her out of his sight, it had felt intoxicating not unhealthy. After the incident at the bar and the awful texts, it had accumulated into one big pile of insanity.
But that first night, after seeing Liv at the hospital, she’d just gone with it all. She’d walke
d away from four years of abstinence and solitude and gone full speed into a relationship with Seth that had absorbed her whole world.
♫ ♫ ♫
They got the burgers to go at a hole-in-the-wall restaurant that was strictly farm-to-market before going back to his place. It wasn’t that she hadn’t expected that. Her car was there, for God’s sake, but her stomach still flipped over as they drove into his garage. He grabbed the passenger door even as she tried to open it herself.
He took her hand, making her skin tingle as it had every time he’d touched her, and led her into his living room. They ate the burgers on his couch with the sound of the waves welcoming them through the open windows. She felt more relaxed at his house than she had anywhere in a very long time. It was difficult to believe she’d only entered his home a few hours ago.
“I feel bad about your ajiaco. Is it ruined?”
“Nah, I called Becca at the hospital. She came and cleaned up for us.”
The “us” hit her in the chest. She put down the sweet potato fry that was in her hand and looked at him. He had his feet on the coffee table, one hand behind her on the couch. She was sitting cross-legged a couple inches from him.
“What?” he asked. His hand behind her reached over to twirl through her curls, making her feel beautiful and adored.
She shook her head, unable to say what she was feeling. That the “us” sounded so right. She thought she was losing it. Maybe she was just overly tired. How else could she be thinking about an “us” after one brief day of sex and emotion? Real life wasn’t like that. Real life was either a one-night stand or dating someone for weeks before committing to anything more. Before committing to emotions. Before committing to an “us”. But emotions still filled her. Hope that she had long ago pushed aside and forced dormant came awake. Hope that there might be someone who could want her for more than the body she showed the world.
His hand reached the base of her neck, rubbing it gently. Her body responded with wave upon wave of sensory overload.
