“What do you mean?”
“He’s not himself. He barely looked at me after that, barely touched me. The sex was… I don’t know, angry. Or just intense, I guess. It was good, don’t get me wrong. But…” I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
“Maybe it all reminded him of his wife. You said he lost his spouse?”
“That’s what I thought. But anytime I tried to ask him anything he just shut down.”
“He probably just needs more time. Not everyone grieves the same way.”
I nod. Now it’s my turn to look at my near-empty wine glass in surprise. Stella laughs.
“I think there’s a hole in our glasses, because there’s no way we’re drinking this quickly.”
I smile. I need to change the subject. Worry is starting to weigh me down, so I turn to Stella. “How’s work, anyway?”
“It’s good. Busy—I’m sure you’re the same. It seems like it never stops.”
We move on from the conversation, and the burden on my shoulders seems a little bit lighter. When we finish our third glass of wine, we both stand up and waver.
“That wine went straight to my head.” Stella grabs onto the back of a chair to steady herself.
“Just like the old days.”
We lean on each other and walk out. We share a taxi, since my place is on the way to hers. Before I get out, I wrap my arms around her and squeeze her tight.
“It was really good to see you.”
“You too.” Her voice is muffled in my coat. “We need to hang out more often.”
“Maybe I can help you with the house renovations.”
“Be careful,” she laughs. “I might just take you up on that.”
“I’m pretty good with a hammer.”
“That’s terrifying.”
I laugh and bid her goodbye. This time, when I get inside, I let out a deep breath. I’m a little tipsy, but that’s not why I feel better. I think I’ve gotten too caught up in the whirlwind with Martin. I need to take a step back, to think about what is best for me.
It feels like I’ve moved on from Jack, but that doesn’t mean I need to go all-in with Martin. He’s got just as much baggage as I do, and how can we support each other if we’re both struggling?
I get ready for bed, checking my phone one last time before snuggling into the covers. There’s no message from Martin, and as much as I try to tell myself I don’t care, I know that I’m disappointed.
20
Martin
This time, when I wake up for work, I’m not excited. I’m dreading it. I drag my feet out of bed and stand under the shower, unmoving. I open my mouth and drink a bit of shower water, and then finally start washing myself. By the time I’ve made myself a coffee and had some breakfast, I’m leaving for work a full half hour later than usual.
I avoid Nicole’s desk on the way in, but I can’t avoid Carmen’s. She calls out to me when I walk past her office.
“Martin, so good of you to show up today!”
I poke my head in and see her with one of our biggest clients. Julian is a chart-topping musician, and in his ripped jeans and casual tee-shirt, he looks very out of place in Carmen’s sleek, modern office.
“Julian,” I say, extending my hand. “Good to see you.”
“Not sure I can say the same,” he grimaces. “I’d rather not be in here at all.”
Carmen gives me a look, and gestures to a chair. I take a seat beside Julian, and Carmen explains.
“Julian has gotten himself in a bit of trouble. It shouldn’t be too hard to fight—it’s a DUI.”
“Who’s the judge?”
“Judge Harkin.”
“Fuck,” I say under my breath.
Julian shakes his head. “This guy has it out for me. I didn’t even do anything to him!”
“He has it out for everyone who he thinks could be a bad influence on the ‘youths’, as he calls them,” I explain. “Since you’re in the public eye, and your audience includes lots of young people, I would expect he wants to make an example out of you.”
“He said exactly that,” Carmen answers. “Martin, I’d like you to take the case.”
I nod. “No problem.” Carmen glances at Julian and then back at me. I frown. “Anything I should know?”
Julian sighs. His chin falls to his chest and he runs his fingers through his hair. “I hit someone.”
The wind gets knocked out of me. No. I can’t take this. I can’t have anything to do with this. No, no, no. Nicole would never forgive me. I can’t do that to her.
But I sit there, and don’t say anything. What possible reason could I give to refuse this case? Julian is one of our most famous and richest clients. He pays us a huge retainer to deal with these exact types of situations.
So I just clear my throat. “And this person you hit… are they alive?”
“Yes!” Julian says, whipping his head towards me. “Fuck man, I’m not a killer!”
A knife goes straight through my heart, and I do my best to keep my face blank. “Of course.”
Carmen interjects. “The woman he hit is in the hospital. Her injuries are relatively minor, but her husband is pushing her to press charges.”
“I see.”
“So can you help me out?” Julian stares at me, his eyebrows arched. I can see a hint of desperation in his eyes.
I nod. “Yes.”
Julian blows the air out of his mouth and nods. “Alright.”
“Until then,” Carmen says, “you do as the judge says and you do not drive. Not even once. Not in a deserted parking lot. Not out on country roads. You don’t have a license, and if you’re caught again, you will go to jail.”
Julian grins. “Got it.”
“This is serious.”
“I know.”
By the time I leave Carmen’s office, my head is spinning. I know that I have to take Julian’s case. He’s a huge client for the firm, and Carmen asked me specifically. That’s not the kind of thing I can refuse. Plus, it’s not like I can explain why I don’t want to work on the case.
Judge Harkin is tough, but I think we can settle this with no jail time, and hopefully not much press. Carmen is an expert at making these kinds of things go away, and I expect she’ll be pulling as many strings as possible. Maybe Nicole doesn’t even have to find out. I could try to keep her out of it.
It doesn’t feel right. That’s just lying to her… again.
I slump down on my office chair and stare at my blank computer screen. I sigh, and finally turn on my computer. Might as well get to work.
It’s almost eleven am when my office door flies open. I hear my assistant Kelly protesting, but Nicole comes storming through the door anyways.
“A DUI case? With a woman in the hospital?”
I stare at her without speaking. My cock throbs under my desk at the sight of her, marching in here guns blazing. It’s wrong, but her anger is so fucking hot. Her dark hair is falling out of her bun, and her cheeks have a spot of red on them.
But it’s her eyes that are striking. They’re blazing, burning through me as she leans her knuckles on my desk. I’d love to bend her over this desk and fuck the anger right out of her.
“You don’t have anything to say for yourself?” Her voice is calm, steady, but it has an undercurrent of tension. I hold her gaze for a few moments and then shrug.
“I didn’t have a choice.”
“You always have a choice, Martin!”
“That’s not how life works.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“This is my job, Nicole.”
“Yes, and you’ve been fucking me for weeks, making me feel like I mean something to you. I just showed you where my husband died, for Christ’s sake! Probably exactly like this poor woman—hit by a drunkard on her way home.”
“You weren’t hit by a drunk driver.”
She frowns. “How the fuck would you know?”
“I… there’s no evidence,” I stammer.
I sigh, waving her away. “Look, Carmen gave me the case. Julian is one of the firm’s biggest clients.”
Her face crumples and she shakes her head. She opens her mouth, but just keeps shaking her head. When she finally does speak, her voice is nothing more than a strained whisper.
“Why are you doing this?”
My heart hardens and my blood turns to ice. All the places where Nicole has softened me start to harden again. I shake my head.
“I have to do my job.”
“You’ve always chosen your cases. What about the medical misconduct case?”
“Nicole, grow up!” I explode. “These cases—Julian’s DUI—these are the cases that allow me to take on the ones that actually make a difference. This is about more than justice. It’s about money.”
She snorts, nodding her head. “It’s always about money, isn’t it? That’s what it all comes down to, in the end.”
She stares at me for a long moment, and then turns around and walks out. Kelly is standing just outside the door, wide-eyed. I wave to the door.
“Close that fucking door, will you?”
She nods without a word and closes me into my office. I exhale loudly, dropping my forehead into my hands. I’ve fucked up.
Who am I kidding? Taking the case isn’t fucking up. Doing a hit and run was a fuck up! Lying to Nicole by not telling her right away was a fuck up!
Now what am I supposed to do? If I come clean, I’ll lose everything. I’ll lose my job—I won’t be the youngest partner at the firm anymore, I’ll be the youngest partner to ever get fired. I’ll lose my reputation. I might even get disbarred.
I’ll lose Nicole.
What difference would that make? I’m pretty sure I’ve already lost her.
21
Nicole
I’m fuming when I sit back down at my desk. Clarissa, the other paralegal, slides her chair over towards me.
“You okay?”
“No.”
She puts her hand on my shoulder. “Want to go out for a coffee and a talk?”
I look at her and take a deep, shuddering breath. “No, thanks Clarissa. I… I don’t know what I need right now.”
She nods. “Okay, well, let me know.”
I turn back to my computer to try to hide the tears in my eyes. She gets the hint and backs away towards her desk. I sniffle, wiping my eyes. The screen blurs, and I take a deep breath. This is torture. I head for the bathrooms and lock the door. Then, I splash water on my face and take deep, gulping breaths.
Staring at myself in the mirror for a few seconds, I prepare myself for what I’m about to do. A thousand thoughts fly around my head.
I need this job—it’s the only reason I can still afford physio. I’m pain-free most days now, and if I give up the job, I might have to give up physio, too.
I won’t be able to make payments on my bills. I’ll struggle to make rent again. I’ll go back to how life was before, when I was in a deep, dark hole with no way out.
Taking a deep breath, I square my shoulders. I can find a new job. I turn away from the mirror and lean against the counter. I stare at the tiles on the floor, my eyes travelling up and down the lines of grout.
If I get angry about Martin taking this case but I keep working here, then I’m a hypocrite.
There’s no other choice.
I have to quit.
I can’t reasonably keep working here, when I’ll be working for the people who defend the scumbag that killed Jack. Well, not the exact scumbag, but it might as well be the same thing. People shouldn’t be able to get away with these things.
A woman is in hospital, and my husband is dead. All because of people like Julian, who thinks he’s above the law.
My hands shake as I pull out my phone. I dial Jenna and breathe a sigh of relief when she answers.
“Jenna, I think I need to quit.”
She’s silent for a beat, and then takes a deep breath. “Okay. Are you sure?”
“One of their famous clients—Julian, the singer. You know him?”
“Doesn’t he sing ‘If You Want Me’? I didn’t know he was your client”
“Yeah, that one. He hit a woman in a DUI. They’re going to defend him and try to get the charges dropped. I just…” My voice cracks. “I can’t be a part of that.”
“Oh, Nicole,” Jenna sighs. “I’m so sorry.”
“I just keep thinking about Jack, you know? I drove by the place where he died on Saturday, and I don’t know, maybe it’s just all fresh in my mind. But this Julian prick could have killed the woman! He could have done exactly what happened to me. And he could get away with it! Just like the guy who killed Jack got away with it.”
“Oh, Nicole,” Jenna says again. “Oh, babe.”
I sniffle, covering my eyes with my hand.
Jenna sighs. “But Nic, if you quit, it doesn’t stop them defending him. It’ll only hurt you.”
“I know.”
“This job has been the best thing that’s happened to you in a year.”
“I’m not so sure about that anymore.”
“What are you going to do after? Would you find another job? It’s not like law firms aren’t going to take questionable cases.”
I sigh. “I know, I know. It’s just… Jenna, I’ve been seeing one of the partners. Dating. Or… sleeping with him. I don’t know what it’s been.”
“Oh, gosh.”
“Yeah. And I told him about Jack. I showed him the spot where he died, and he still took the case! How am I supposed to work alongside him now? I just…” I sob.
Jenna sighs over the phone. “Just do what you have to do, Nicole. I’ll always be here for you.”
I sniffle, nodding. “Yeah. Thanks, Jen.”
“I’m not asking you right now, because I’m aware of how upset you are, but I’m expecting more details later.”
I snort-laugh and shake my head. “I don’t want to talk about it. It’s too embarrassing. God, I was so stupid! I actually thought that he cared about me. He reminded me of Jack, and…”
“Don’t beat yourself up about it, Nicole.”
“Easier said than done.”
“I hope you gave him shit for taking the case.”
“I marched into his office and yelled at him. I was so close to slapping him across the face.”
“Good. Take the rest of the day off and come over here. I’ll make you some chocolate chip cookies.”
“You’re such a mom,” I say, shaking my head. “You used to hate baking.”
“Well, having two kids does, in fact, turn you into a mom.”
I chew my lip and sigh. “Cookies sound nice.”
“Come on. I hate hearing you like this. Just leave that horrible place and come here. We can write your letter of resignation together, and then you can give it to your boss tomorrow. Everything will work out.”
“That sounds good.”
We hang up the phone and I take a deep breath. Jenna is right. I just need to get out of here today, and then I can sort my head out. I glance at myself in the mirror and smooth my hair, and then I take a deep breath. I walk back to my desk and nod to Clarissa.
“I’m taking the afternoon off.”
Her eyebrows lift up. “Yeah?”
I nod. “Not feeling well. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you tomorrow.” She smiles at me and gives me a small nod. It almost feels like she’s saying good for you. I gather my things and walk out of the office with my head held high.
When I get to Jenna’s house, she already has a batch of chocolate chip cookies in the oven, and water boiled for tea. I sit down on one of her creaky kitchen chairs and she puts a steaming mug of tea in front of me. She pours one for herself and takes a deep breath, shaking her head as she looks at me.
“You sure do know how to get yourself into trouble.”
I grin. “Those cookies smell good.”
“Don’t change the subject,” she laughs. “Even when you and Jack started dating.
Do you remember how angry Dad was when you moved in together?”
“He didn’t speak to me for five months,” I laugh. “But he got over it.”
“I think he met Jack properly and figured out he was the best thing for you.”
My chest tightens and I nod. “He kept me grounded. I wasn’t so impulsive when he was around.”
Jenna takes a deep breath and smiles at me. “I don’t know, I think it’s good to see a bit of the old you again.”
“What do you mean?”
“You were still impulsive and a bit reckless with Jack. But then, when he died, that all went away. You were so… empty. It’s like you lost your personality.” Her eyes mist up, and she shakes her head. “I thought I’d lost you.”
A lump forms in my throat, and then Jenna laughs through her tears.
“But now, I mean, sleeping with a coworker and causing a scene at the office… that’s the Nicole I know and love. That’s my shit-head little sister.”
We laugh until the buzzer on the oven goes off, and then we eat warm chocolate chip cookies and talk and talk until her kids come home from school.
This time, I stay over for dinner. The pain I used to feel being around her happy family is gone. This is my family, and they’ve always been here for me.
22
Martin
After an hour or so, I work up the courage to walk over to Nicole’s desk. I need to make her understand that I get how she’s feeling, but I have no choice.
You always have a choice, she said.
It’s easy to say that, but how much choice do I really have? Maybe if I just explain that this is my job—she should know that already! She’s worked in law long enough.
I take a deep breath and turn the corner, but I frown when I see her desk empty. Her computer is off, too, which means…
“Is Nicole gone?”
Clarissa glances at me and nods. Her stare is cold. “Yep.”
“Is she coming back?”
“She wasn’t feeling well, so no, I don’t think so.”
“She was fine this morning.”
Clarissa’s eyebrow rises in a slow arch, and she stares at me for a few seconds. I try not to squirm where I stand, and anger flares up inside me.
Guilty: Confessions Series: Book 1 Page 10
