I have no clue where that would be.
But Lilith might.
__________
September 25, 2014
I’m in love.
With an art studio. Lil understood that I didn’t want to go to her house, so she explained that it wasn’t really her house, but an art studio, a cottage, really, on her property that she uses for teaching. Mik and I checked it out after practice. It has this wall of windows that overlook a lake and a perennial garden. I could spend all day just looking out that window, or maybe I should bring an easel outside.
Mik—she’s so intuitive—said I should use it. Said she gets to play softball, so I should get to paint. Then everyone will be happy.
Plus, it’ll be Mik’s and my little secret, and that makes her feel special.
__________
September 30, 2014
I practically cried when I touched my brush to the paint-covered palette and began to mix colors. It’s been so long. I didn’t even have a plan, I just let my brush take the lead on the canvas, and then I did cry. I didn’t create a masterpiece. Far from it. And I’m far from done. Not much painting gets done in two hours’ time. But it’s a start. Before Thursday, though, I need to pick up a palette knife, try a new technique that I think will be just right for this piece.
I can’t wait to come back on Thursday!
__________
October 14, 2014
Mik had a family softball picnic last Thursday following her game, so I didn’t paint then, but going to the picnic inspired me. I set aside the painting I’d begun a few weeks ago and began a new one of Mik standing in the batter’s box. She looks so determined and focused, traits she obviously gets from Erin. It felt good sitting beside Erin, both of us cheering our daughter on. We’re getting back on the same page, I think. I hope.
Anyway, while watching Mik, Erin and I shared a bag of popcorn and the bag tore, dumping everything below the bleachers, leaving me with a scrap. I pocketed that scrap, intending to throw it out, but I found it in my pocket today when I got to the studio.
And inspiration hit. The painting focuses on Mik, but in the corner of the painting you see two hands holding onto the same bag of popcorn. I took the scrap from last week, stuck it to the canvas, and then completed that bag with paint, doing my best to make that scrap blend in. Goofy, I know, but I did it, and it filled me with a sense of accomplishment. The rest of the painting will take much longer to complete. It’s important I get Mik at bat just right.
Then hopefully she’ll have a memory from me to cherish.
Chapter Twenty
Erin woke up the next morning having dreamt about popcorn that overtook the house, eventually knocking down the walls and the roof. She’d never dreamed in metaphor before, though that bag of popcorn had been the perfect metaphor for her family. She remembered sharing that bag, being disappointed that it had torn. She’d probably ragged on Corey because of it too because they didn’t have money to waste. It wasn’t long after then that the rift between them had grown. The popcorn bag had ripped apart just like her family, scattering all the kernels on the ground. Unsalvageable like their marriage.
She didn’t know how to feel about a piece of that bag being a remnant in a painting she’d always loved and now hung in Mik’s. room. She had wondered how he’d found the time or place to create it. She’d probably ragged on Corey for that, too. How could she not have noticed the bag scrap before? Once Mik left for school, Erin would give that painting another look.
But Clara awoke crying about two seconds after Mik went out the door to catch the bus. Probably because Mik was in a mood and slammed the front door hard enough to wake everyone on the street.
What was Erin going to do with her?
Erin opened the door to Clara’s room and immediately smelled urine. Wonderful. She lifted the crying child, felt her backside, and sighed. Well today was starting out fabulous. She gave Clara a bath, dressed her, fed her, played with her, read her books, took her to the park, fed her again, and finally Clara laid down for her afternoon nap. Erin prayed that her wet pants this morning had been an anomaly.
At last, Erin went to check out Mik’s painting. She waded through her daughter’s jungle of a bedroom to the painting Corey had given her that Christmas in 2014. If only Erin had known where that artwork had been created, maybe she could have salvaged their marriage. She leaned close to the painting and eyed the popcorn bag in the corner, touching it. There! She felt her eyes pop open. The edges were seamless. How did he do that?
She stepped back and took in the painting as a whole. It was clearly created with love. He’d captured Mik’s determination perfectly, putting the focus on her, with the crowd and field blending in in the background, and a secondary focus on two hands united on a bag of popcorn. Ha! Their marriage had been just as fragile as that bag.
Should she read on in Corey’s journal? Maybe if she read during the day, she wouldn’t have nightmares. She hurried from Mik’s room to her own and checked the time. She had about an hour before Mik got home. Clara would likely wake up around that same time. Not enough time to get any work done. So, she sat on her bed once again, pulled out Corey’s journal, and read.
__________
November 24, 2014
I’ve been coming to Lil’s for almost two months now. Last week I finally finished Mik’s portrait. It’ll be a perfect Christmas gift to her. But how do I explain it to Erin? I can’t very well say I’ve been spending a couple evenings a week at a women’s art studio when I’d said I was taking classes.
After Mik’s softball ended, that was the best I could come up with. And now, I don’t have to worry about Mik tattling on me.
I especially can’t tell Erin what I’m working on now. Lil, as payment for use of her studio, asked if I’d paint her portrait. How could I say ‘no’ after all she’s done for me? To be honest, I can’t wait to arrive at the studio each week.
And let’s face it, Lil is hot. She’s young. Sexy. Smart. Lil gets me. She doesn’t nag. She applauds. She encourages. I need that positive energy in my life.
Erin just drags me down, always reminding me of my responsibilities to my job, to her, to Mik. I get it! I should be responsible, and I am. I support the family. But shouldn’t marriage have a little fun now and then too? I mean, Erin and I rarely make love anymore.
I don’t remember marriage being this difficult for Mom and Pop.
This Thursday is Thanksgiving, and we’re spending it at the folks’ place. I feel I should talk to them, ask them how they made it through tough times.
__________
November 27, 2014
I never did get Mom and Pop alone today. Zax is in town, so he got all the attention, of course. Jon joined the family, too, and he told me he noticed something was off between Erin and me. We’re still friends, but I don’t think he ever forgave me for being the first to ask Erin out. Not like he hadn’t had the opportunity. He asked what was up with me and Erin. I told him we’re going through a rough patch.
He said, “That better be it” as if he knew I wasn’t taking an accounting class and was painting instead. Regardless, what happens between me and my wife is none of his business, and I told him so.
Sometimes I wonder how different life would have turned out if Jon had been the first to ask out Erin. Would I be stuck doing bookkeeping during the day? Would I be a dad? Maybe I’d be flying around the world like Zax, leaving a trail of broken hearts.
Nah. I’m a one-woman man. Sure, I’m attracted to Lil. I mean, what red-blooded man wouldn’t be? I mean, she’s hot. She’s eight years younger than I am, has long, muscular legs she shows off with her short skirts. I don’t mind that one bit. Her blonde curls make me want to wrap my fingers around them. And those lips. Man, they were made to be kissed. We haven’t talked about it, but I’ll bet she’s got a horde of boyfriends. So, am I attracted? I’m alive, aren’t I?
__________
December 16, 2014
I’m despica
ble.
I don’t know how it happened. One second I was working on Lil’s portrait, the next we were lip locked.
I was just painting, then Lil got up to see my progress. She loved it. Do you know how good it feels to have someone appreciate you? Appreciate your gifts?
So, she was there. Her hand was on my back, and I turned to her. I don’t even know who started it, all I know was that I liked it. A lot. I mean, in that moment I was ready and willing to forget my marriage vows.
Thankfully, my phone rang preventing me from making the worst mistake of my life.
The kiss was bad enough.
So, I told Lil I couldn’t do it anymore. I can’t trust myself around her, and she apologized.
But she promised it wouldn’t happen again. Besides, I have to finish her portrait so she can give it to her parents for Christmas. A couple more visits to her art studio should do it. We both got caught up in the moment. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.
__________
December 18, 2014
Okay, that was a lie about not letting it happen again. Or not really a lie because I really had no intentions of kissing her again, but I couldn’t help myself. It’s like she has me under a spell, and all of a sudden, we’re having a make-out session. We stopped before going all the way, I mean, I’m not that type of guy. I won’t cheat on Erin.
But I finally get my brother. There’s an adrenaline rush when you’re doing something dangerous, something you shouldn’t be doing.
As long as we don’t have sex, I’m not hurting anyone. I even read an article yesterday that said a little fling is healthy for a marriage. I get certain needs met from Lil and that takes the pressure off Erin.
Pretty soon, Erin and I will be back to where we were.
__________
December 23, 2014
I’ve been found out.
Jon was standing outside, in the freezing cold, when I stepped out of Lil’s cottage. Said someone called him with an anonymous tip. I’ve never seen him so angry. I thought he was going to punch me. Instead he pointed to my lips, said I better wipe them off if I didn’t want Erin to find out. I begged him not to tell her. I said I messed up big time and promised it wouldn’t happen again, that we just got carried away in the moment.
He said the only reason he wouldn’t tell Erin was because he loved her too much to hurt her, and he’d seen too many marriages ripped apart by affairs. I insisted we weren’t having an affair. It hadn’t gone that far. I don’t think he believed me.
Still, it’s a good thing I finished Lil’s portrait tonight. What I told Jon was true—we hadn’t had sex, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to. Especially when Lil started reaching for my zipper. Oh, man I wanted to make love to her.
I couldn’t do that to Erin. To Mik. I’m not an adulterer.
I know I can’t ever go back, because I can’t promise myself I won’t cross the line. After all, I’m only human.
__________
Only human? Erin slammed shut the journal and tried to calm the shakes overwhelming her body.
That despicable, good-for-nothing pig! Convincing himself in a matter of days that it was okay to kiss another woman? Good for their marriage, even? What she’d give to drag him from the grave and send him right back in.
She had appreciated him, but he was gone so much that fall, he wasn’t around to notice how much she needed him. Now she finally knew where he’d disappeared to. How had she been so clueless?
And to think Jon had known about the affair—yes, even without sex, the jerk had been cheating on her—and hadn’t said anything. The rat. When she saw Jon again, she’d give him a piece of her mind.
Maybe that was why he’d stayed away from her. He probably felt guilty for being complicit with Corey’s affair, and he couldn’t face her. Now that his co-conspirators, the only ones with evidence were gone, he was no longer afraid of being found out. Oh, now it all made sense. She didn’t need him around anymore. The problem was, how would she let Mik know that she’d chased another man from their life?
Chapter Twenty-One
Erin stopped at the nursery door and blew Clara a kiss. “Goodnight, Lolli.”
“Night-night, Auntie.” Clara cuddled her pet crocodile, Chomper, and rolled over on her side. She’d acclimated to the toddler bed very quickly. Was this house becoming too familiar to her as well?
Erin shut the door, leaned against it, and slowly breathed out, helping to erase stress. Quiet permeated the house. Today was filled with another client rejection. More arguments from Mik, this time over a boy. Why couldn’t she get it through her head that a thirteen-year-old was too young to date? All she needed to do was look at Erin and her father. And even her grandmother, who Mik had never met, thank goodness. Not a tear had been shed when Erin’s mom passed away shortly after she and Corey got married. Instead they’d been relieved.
As for Clara, she didn’t have an icy vein in her entire body. She effused joy, especially when painting out in the garage. Living here would only rob her of that joy. Especially without Jon around.
Nope. Not thinking about him tonight. She strode to the kitchen and pulled out a pint of German chocolate ice cream. That, along with a non-romance movie would be the perfect way to spend the evening.
She sorted through her DVDs and finally found one that always made her laugh: Galaxy Quest. Yeah, she used to watch it with Jon and Corey when they were teens, but that was a long time ago. One thing she’d learned to do—mostly—was separate good movies from the people she’d enjoyed them with.
The phone rang as she sat down with her pint and spoon.
Jon again. He’d called a lot, and she hadn’t answered, though she wanted to tell him what she thought of their so-called friendship and him keeping Corey’s affair a secret. Her finger hovered over the green phone symbol, but then she swiped the red phone to the left, rejecting his call. Someday he’d get the hint and leave her alone.
Apparently, he caught the hint as she watched the rest of the movie in peace.
When it was over, she turned off the television and sat in darkness in the living room. She’d barely laughed tonight. In the olden days, she and Corey and Jon knew the movie so well, they’d laugh well before the punch line.
Now the movie made her feel . . . she processed what was going on with her body. Her shoulders felt heavy, her back slouched. Sadness. That was it. And nostalgic for the good times. She, Corey, and Jon had had a lot of good times. And she and Jon had found a real family with the Beldens. They weren’t perfect, but they’d been close knit and faith filled. They’d shown Christ to Jon and Erin through their actions, through their love, which made Corey’s behavior all the more perplexing and hurtful.
He’d not only cheated on her and Mik, he’d hurt his family, and turned his back on God.
How?
She had to know what happened with Corey, why he turned his back on God and family. There was one way.
Like a bee to a flower, she returned to her bedroom and dug out Corey’s journal.
__________
December 25, 2014
I’ve never had such a stressful Christmas Eve. I spent the evening afraid Jon had told Erin about Lilith, or that she’d find out some other way.
This morning as we sat in church, singing traditional Christmas songs that usually connect me with God, I felt as if he’d cut our connection. I guess I haven’t experienced that connection in a long time, though. He’s abandoned me.
I look at Mom and Pop and see what a great marriage they have, and I want the same thing. I just don’t know how to get it.
On the plus side, I gave Mik the painting as her gift this morning. She LOVED it. Erin, as expected, was skeptical. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t have to. I could read it in her body language, and the way she turned away from me tonight when I needed a little Christmas lovemaking . . . I couldn’t stay in our bedroom after the rejection. It hurt too much. It’s like she knows I’ve been unfaithful.<
br />
I needed to know she still cares for me.
I need to know if I still love her.
__________
Erin slapped the journal shut. Her rejection hurt him too much? Please!
She remembered that Christmas, how he’d given Mik that beautiful painting, and his gift to her was a bottle of expensive perfume that she’d never use. Now she understood that he was trying to buy her affection. But perfume? When had she ever asked for or wanted perfume? And then he’d wanted to fool around? Ha!
Maybe that was her first hint that their marriage was irreparably broken. Her gut had probably known it, but hadn’t conveyed the message to her brain.
The perfume was possibly Lilith’s favorite. Or maybe he’d even purchased it for her, then thought better of it and gave it to Erin. Jerk!
She raised her arm, planning to hurl the book across the room, but that would wake Clara, and probably draw Mik. What she should do is burn it. This stupid book was making her crazy, yet she was drawn to it like a stressed-out woman to chocolate, somehow hoping for a happy ending which no one would get.
Rather than put the book away, she opened it up planning to read just one more entry.
__________
January 1, 2015
A new year. A fresh start. That’s what I’d planned.
I woke up this morning frustrated from a New Year’s Eve of Erin and I avoiding each other, and that’s hard to do in our little house, especially with Mik staying at a friend’s place overnight. I decided saving our marriage was up to me, no matter what it takes. And that means breaking off all contact with Lil, and no more trips to the art gallery. Both will be hard, but if Jon keeps dogging me like he has this past week, it’ll be easy to stay away. The guy’s threatened to introduce his fist to my nose if I don’t straighten up. As buff as he’s gotten, I don’t dare mess with him.
A Beautiful Mess Page 17
