by S M Matthews
I sit straight up, momentarily horrified; “I’ll still be able to go to work?”
He nods and huffs; “I’ll go with you in the morning though, and talk to them. I am not having this go any further than it needs to.”
“Can’t we fight this? Go to court and protest or something? Surely there’s a way.”
“It’s a High Council ruling, so it is unlikely they would ever entertain a complaint against the ruling. There are so few of you that we know of; you’re probably totally insignificant to them.” He chuffs derisively, “They probably just wanted your paperwork off their desk.”
“High Council? What’s that?”
He leans his head back against the sofa again and shuts his eyes, “So you have the regular courts, judged by brother packs, the High Courts above that, which is usually three experienced brother packs sitting in together. Then finally the High Council, a mixture of Royal and Elected Females.”
“If we’re not that important, why was our case decided by them?”
He opens his mouth to answer and then snaps it shut again, sitting up and looking at me again. He does the ears, all the way back Epic Frown. “I don’t actually know, that didn’t even occur to me. I suppose they have taken over with minor things before...we survived because of them. After Kita we, well, we’d had enough. We had no reason for existing. But because it was...just because, they helped us out and got us this position. It’s what we were going to do anyway, but with the kit and everything it was delayed. They saved our lives by giving us purpose again.”
I desperately want to ask: ‘because it was what?’ but I don’t feel quite comfortable with poking around in their grief just yet. I don’t feel like I have that sort of relationship status.
I sit quiet again for a minute; but then find myself getting upset for Maisy; by the sound of it she’s been through a really rough thing. I’m not entirely stupid; if she hadn’t have gone, it would have been me. And I probably would have crumbled.
Micka pulls me closer, and I allow myself to be pulled into his lap.
For the first time I wish I had their ability to cheat and tell how someone's feeling. With the ears and tails they are very expressive, so once you start paying attention you can have a good guess...but Micka has gone still and introspective. It feels like he wanted this closeness for his own benefit. I have a hunch he’s more worried about this than he’s letting on.
“Come on, you’re worried and tired. All looks fresh again after rest.” Micka simply stands with me in his arms as if I weigh nothing and carries me through to my bedroom. I wonder if he’s speaking to me or himself. He puts me on the bed and then crawls over next to me; he curls round me, not bothering with letting me change for the moment. He’s holding me tightly, and I stroke the silky fur along his arm. I get the feeling again that he’s seeking this comfort for his own benefit, so I just let it happen. If this is what he needs then so be it. I’ll comfort him as best I can, even though I’m still not entirely sure what this is about. He’d mentioned Kita, and maybe it’s upset him a little. They have mentioned her, a little, but the baby...or cub...they never ever mention her. They don’t talk about it. Ever.
I don’t even know if they can. Maybe some things just hurt too much.
It doesn’t compare really...and I know it was sort of self-inflicted because I wasn’t talking for so long but...I’ve never told them about home. And now I’ve come this far, I realise I don’t think I want to.
Maybe one day I will, but I’m coming to terms with this being my life now. The old one...although it makes me sad, and of course I miss my family...is passing somehow. Like accepting this one, makes the other one less real. Or maybe I’m just...moving on.
I focus on ruffling Micka’s fur.
“Do you want to get ready for bed?” I nudge him with my shoulder. He yawns hugely and heads out to his own room; I head for the bathroom. I have a pee and brush my teeth. Micka comes in and joins me, we stand in companionable silence, brushing our teeth and watching each other in the mirror. Watching him is fascinating, I realise I’ve never seen this before, and he works his way around all four of the big fangs and then brushes like we do. I spit and rinse; then head back to my room to change into a tunic and get into bed. He’s only a minute or two behind me. He didn’t ask if I wanted him here tonight I realise, but then I did also sort of imply it by asking if he was going to get ready. He’s still feeling extra snugly I guess, because he gets in with me. I don’t get the burrito treatment tonight.
We snuggle up in the dim light and I realise this means I can really feel the purring vibration from his chest.
This also means I can actually touch him, and where he has his arm across me I go back to investigatory stroking. He has his right arm slung round me, so it’s easy for me to reach up with my left. The fur’s quite a bit longer at the elbow I realise, now I’m stroking through it.
He nuzzles into the crook of my neck, and I immediately think of what I did with Acer. I can feel Micka’s cold nose and warm breath against my neck, and I close my eyes and I try to focus on that for a moment.
It’s me just being human, I decide. It just feels wrong to think about being with Acer last night whilst I’m lying in bed with his brother. That doesn’t mean that it is wrong. Necessarily.
As soon as I finish the thought, the image of my fingers being in his mouth comes back as clearly as if it was happening now. The feel of his sharp teeth and rough tongue, the sucking sensation and then the licking. Even the post orgasm tingle I had at the time seems to return and my pussy clenches in response. The purring becomes a deeper rumble, and Micka sniffs so deeply at my neck it tickles and makes me giggle. I don’t have the blanket barrier to stop me tonight, so when I wriggle back against him and I feel his hardness against my butt, I really feel it. He nips along what he can of my neck before he hits the collar of my tunic, and then works his way back up again.
It’s excruciating, and I’m practically panting and wriggling against him just from this.
He pulls his arm out from under mine and reaches down to pull up my tunic, I oblige and lift my hips a little to make it easier. He reaches back up for my hand and starts to guide it...but I pull it away. I’m not doing that again… did they talk about this? I roll onto my back so I can look up at him and we have a silent standoff. I’m so riled up I can feel how wet I am, but I only want this if they do.
And I know he can smell just how badly I do want it. I get a full on flappy eared head shake, and then he throws off the covers and climbs off the bed. I think for a moment I’ve pissed him off and it’s over, but he moves to the bottom of the bed, grabs me by the ankles and pulls. I slide down the bed, my already rucked up tunic now only just covering my breasts. Micka kneels on the floor and as he does he guides my ankles over his shoulders and lets them fall against his back. I realise what’s about to happen. Oh My God. I’m absolutely mortified, I slap my hands over my face. He’s probably...well, he must be looking at it. I can’t watch. I feel his breath chuff over my wet pussy and the needy little noise that comes out of me is terrible. He hasn’t even touched me yet.
I’m so embarrassed I can’t function; he’s going to lick me.
But then...absolutely nothing happens. I dare to peek at him. He’s looking at my face, watching. Waiting.
I make myself put my hands down to my sides and take a steadying breath. It seems to be what he was waiting for. He reaches up with his left hand and takes my right, locking our fingers together and letting them rest on the bed next to me.
He nods once. I take another steadying breath and nod back. His eyes are completely locked on mine as he dips his head.
He gives the top half of my slit one long, flat-tongued lick. I feel my mouth drop open as I gasp, my hips lift completely on their own. I feel my heels dig into his shoulders, trying desperately to either bring my hips to his face or force his face to my hips. I honestly don’t know.
He slides his right hand onto my lower stomach and once I've
relaxed back onto the bed, he pins me.
I’ve gone from being too embarrassed to look to not being able to look away. I grip his hand tightly, the other gripping a handful of bed covers.
His large hand pinning my lower stomach, firmly enough that there’s just the suggestion of pinpricks from his claws. Those eyes, so bright in the dimness of the room, look like they are almost shining. He lowers his head again a little and…sniffs. It’s so loud in the silence that I'm startled by it. The way that his eyes slowly close is...just so, so...I don’t even know...it’s so erotic.
His eyes open, and he holds my eye contact now as he lowers his head...and presses his tongue flat against the top of my slit, bathing my clit. It’s warm, and he holds it there for a moment before he finally licks upwards. My hips try desperately to lift again, but I am so firmly pinned I don't move at all. I think all I succeed in doing is digging my heels into his back. If he’s bothered by it, it doesn’t show. He licks again, the same firm flat tongue, tortuously slow against my clit. He moves lower, exploring the very edges of my opening with the very tip of his tongue. I had no idea the edges of it were that sensitive, and I can’t control the keening noise that he’s eliciting from me.
He’s curled his tongue, and ever so gently he enters me, I can feel it’s only shallowly but it still makes me cry out.
I’m so worked up I swear I can feel my heartbeat in my clit.
I feel his tongue move inside me, and he drags his tongue along the roof of my entrance as he withdraws it. He carries on, licking all the way back up to my throbbing clit in one stroke. Teasingly, feather-light, he traces the top of my clit with the tip of his tongue. My inside clench desperately, I need to come so badly it’s almost painful, but he’s not giving me what I need to push me over the edge.
I get one firm lick of my clit, and my thighs start to tremble. I’m so close I think I’ll come either way now, if he’s touching me or not. But I don’t, and he goes back to feather-light touches. He’s not touching my clit but very carefully tracing around it, soft touches with just the tip of his tongue. The occasional light brush from the side of his tongue makes contact with my clit and every time it happens my insides clench and I can feel wetness seeping from me.
He goes back there, rolling his tongue again, but this time when he presses into me it feels like he goes as deep as he is able to. I have never had anything inside me like this before, and it awakes a whole new dimension to this. I am desperate to wriggle against him, desperate to make friction against his tongue whilst it’s inside me.
Slowly, painfully slowly, as if to deliberately deny me that friction, he withdraws from me. It leaves me feeling so empty. He lifts his head so we have clear eye contact and he swallows. Loudly. Then he grins at me, and it’s absolutely shameless.
He dips his head again, licking firmly all round my opening, just dipping inside a little. He’s licking at me like he’s cleaning me up, or like I’m an ice-cream. I don’t care, it’s sending me straight back up, I feel my insides clench, my toes curl. My thighs tense again on his shoulders. He licks up to my clit again, and I think I can’t take another round of torture; I’ll actually die.
He presses his tongue flat against my clit, and finally he rubs me there. Exactly right, just what I need. It feels like he only does it for a few seconds and the dam breaks.
I swear my eyes roll back in my head, my thighs desperately try to close on his head. The wave of pleasure starts with my harshly clenching opening, rolling up through my clit and crashing through my whole body. I stop breathing, I think. I’m not aware of anything, all the build-up leading to something all consuming. Another wave follows and I slowly start to come down, I realise he’s still licking. Gently though. He gives one final lick from my opening right the way up my slit, and my whole body twitches as he passes over my super swollen clit.
He lets me lie there a moment, I’m panting loudly I realise. I feel like every muscle in my body had been straining as I’d come.
He gently tugs my tunic back down. I lie there, limp and panting and not a little bit sweaty. He gives the inside of my thigh a nip and a lick as he disentangles himself from my legs. I just let them flop, my feet hitting the floor. I feel like I’ve turned into a jelly.
“I’ll be right back.” He says quietly, then leaves.
I lie there for a few minutes more, staring at door. So, it’s going to be this again. I roll onto my stomach, still not trusting my legs, and crawl back up the bed. I’m just settling in as he comes back; he climbs in next to me.
I wait a minute before I ask him.
“Uhm...are you okay?”
He makes an agreeable noise, like ‘Uh hu’ but with purring.
“You don’t...need anything?”
He’s quiet for a moment, thinking. “No…I’m okay, if you are?” He snuggles down and seems to get comfortable for the night.
Right. Right.
I am struck by a pretty horrible thought...they don’t want me. What if this is like...pity? They are just...relieving me. Doing me a favour because they feel beholden to me now? Could that be it? They are making it pretty clear that they would rather go off and…touch themselves than do it with me.
But...Micka had looked so into it.
Maybe they just can’t bring themselves to go the whole way with me. So then I’m back to ‘they don’t want me’, really? Maybe they can’t get over the alien thing either. And who am I to judge that?
I’ll have to move out. Now that is a terrifying thought, but I can’t live with this...half of a thing, if it’s all it’ll ever be.
And there’s the snuffling. Dammit. There’s no such thing as being alone with your thoughts anymore.
“Okay?” Micka asks, he sounds so sleepy, and my turmoil is probably keeping him awake. Neither of us can help that though. And him going back to his own room...well, it just doesn’t feel like an option.
“I’m worried about work tomorrow,” I congratulate myself. That is not, technically, a lie. I’ve already created an imaginary scenario where they won’t have me back at Hydroponics at all, and it has been happily festering away at the back of my mind.
He hugs me tightly to him, “Try not to worry, I’ll order them if I have to.”
I sigh, “That would be worse though...they’d all hate me because you’d used your position to...to force them.” Not to mention absolutely mortifying.
I can’t help but cringe internally, my imaginary scenario getting even worse as Micka orders everyone in Hydroponics to ‘be nice’ to me.
“I’m sure it won’t come to it, try not to worry,” I get a quick sniff at my hair, “try to sleep.”
I wake to a gentle snuffling in the hollow of my neck. The fur’s tickling me and I push Micka’s great head away. He sits up and gives one of those massive yawns before sliding off the bed and leaving.
I lie there still a minute longer; I know I need to get up because he’s walking me to work today. I can’t stop my feelings though, and my brain goes back to pick over the events of the last couple of nights. What do they want?
It’s like a painful little scab that I can’t leave alone. A gnawing insecurity.
I finally try to brush it aside; I have to move.
One problem at a time, let’s get this morning out the way first.
Micka puts his hand out to me when we walk to work, and he ear frowns at me when I hesitate for a moment before taking it.
They are just giving me such mixed signals.
When we arrive, I go about my usual routine while Micka heads off to speak to a head gardener; I can’t bear to go with him. I feel like I’m tempting fate by just being there and visually reminding them as to what I am.
It doesn’t take long before Micka seeks me out, he looks bemused. I let out a sigh of relief. “They are pretty sure they can handle you if you turn into a crazed killing machine.” He laughs.
“Oh. They aren't bothered then?”
“Not only not bothered, they don’t seem to be ta
king it seriously at all. Hopefully that will be the case all over.”
I nod, this is the best possible outcome as far as I’m concerned. Micka gives me the head sniff and goes to work himself.
I watch him as he leaves, his broad muscular back and those expressive tails swinging. The uniform looks really good on him.
Well, one problem being solved leaves me all day to gnaw at the other problem I have.
And gnaw at it I do. Like a dog with a bone, I don’t stray far from it. And all day I come back to the same horrible conclusion.
I’ve started to fall a little bit in love with them, and they don’t want me.
Which means I can’t stay with them. I’ll have to move out. That is an absolutely terrifying prospect and obviously not what I want at all. But I don’t know what else to do, I can’t stay with them in this limbo. I also don’t know how to navigate their...anything. How do I even go about getting my own place? Can I because I’ll be all alone? Do I need an alien bank account? I don’t even have I.D.; do they have that? Do they pay bills? Where do I buy food? I hadn’t even moved out of my parents’ house. I put my dirty gloved hands over my face before I start crying.
I force myself to take some deep breaths. I can’t do this. I can’t live in this halfway house forever, but likewise I don’t see any way out of it.
It’s home time, and I drag my feet. I take forever to put my things away and tidy up, delaying leaving for as long as I can. I don’t want to face them.
I walk back as slowly as I can, and I realise...I don’t have anywhere else to go even if I wanted to. I don’t know anywhere else. I’ve just doodled along in my happy safe little bubble and not even tried.
This life is enough for me.
I have them, I have my job, and I’m content. So why don’t I just leave it at that? Why can’t I just exist in the halfway house?
